Hey, hey, my Lovelies! Apparently, I can’t walk, talk, and chew bubble gum at the same time because I’ve not kept up this end of my New Year’s goals by being more present here while attempting to work a full-time job and start a baking business. While I am enjoying the baking part of the business and seeing the smiles on the faces of those who purchase my products, attempting to run the business side sucks ass for me but I have loved ones working with me where I lack and, for that, I’m grateful that I’m able to continue the legacy of my Nana thru baking. I ask that you show me a little grace while I balance out the baking and connecting with y’all, I’ll get it together soon.
We’ve had a few holidays/dedicated months, hell, I’ve even had a birthday since I’ve last posted and I will not even attempt to squeeze all of them into this one blog, you already know that’s not my style. With Mother’s Day having recently passed, that is where my focus will be today, not the day itself but the beings who are celebrated. Grab your beverage of choice, relax, and let’s get the convo started, shall we?
As a mother of two beautiful daughters who are, literally, the reasons I breathe, I’ve come to realize how selfish I was when I chose to bring them into this world. Yes, I said selfish because they didn’t ask to be here, I wanted them but with that desire to be a mother, it is also my responsibility to make sure their lives are nothing short of heavenly on this earth. Have I always had the financial means to materialistically spoil them? Absolutely not and, even if I did, it wasn’t going to happen as I refuse to raise entitled brats who don’t appreciate the smaller things in life as I know too many adults who equate happiness to their amount of material possessions while their lives and spirits are absolute dumpster fires.
Being a mother is the hardest, lowest paying job I’ve ever had in my life but it also the most rewarding and fulfilling one at the same time. I have embraced every phase of motherhood from peeing on the stick to hearing their first cries to watching them take their first steps all while reveling in being blessed to experience their little personalities develop as they grow and mature. Were there some rough times? Hell yeah and still are! You can’t be the parent of daughters and think every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows because they will stomp all over that misconception while giving you the look of “Annnnnnnnduh?!” They will test your gangster and have you willing to wear prison orange but then you look at them and recognize the blessings they are. Have I sat in my anger? Yep, sure have but the blame wasn’t on them as I’m the parent and I’m supposed to set the example and guide/teach them how to effectively communicate and when I don’t, neither do they. Please note that I can only speak on having daughters, not sure if the struggle is the same with sons but, those girls?!
Who I am as a mother is who my children need me to be just as every other mother is who she is and, while I never claim to be the perfect mother, there are behaviors of some other mothers I do not agree with. As I stated earlier, I selfishly chose to bring forth life into this world, it’s not on them that they are here and, regardless of their age, they need me and/or my resources which I gladly provide. There are some mothers I know who believe with their whole chest that because they provided food, shelter, and clothes for their child from birth to 18 years old that this child now owes them for the rest of their life and should cater to every whim, regardless of price or inconvenience. Ummmm, no ma’am, that’s not how this works, children are not an investment which matures at 18 that you can pull out money and expensive gifts from simply because you laid down for a few moments of ecstasy or just a couple pumps and created life.
It is also believed that your child owes you respect and, to a degree, that is true but you also have to be respectable, just because you gave them life doesn’t mean you can be an utterly inconceivable asshole and treat your child like shit and say, “But I’m your mother, you will respect me!” If you have to threaten someone into respecting you, you don’t deserve that respect. To me, that’s equivalent to a crack head telling their child, “I’m your mother, you owe me respect” after this child has seen her strung out and doing a lot of strange things for that little white rock. The title of mother is one of respect, admiration, and dignity, it is not license to be reckless with your child and demand they respect a title you, personally, shat all over. We teach our children how to stand up for themselves against bullies and those who mean them harm but then turn around and punish them for doing exactly as they were taught when we become their bully? How much sense does that make?
We all have different ways of doing everything in life and parenting is no exception. There will be people who don’t make the same choices you would have made when it comes to rearing a child but to share your unwarranted advice and opinions does more damage than good because you’ve now made that person feel like a bad parent or as though they are doing it wrong. There has not been one time a new parent has left the hospital with a newborn and a handbook on how to handle everything that will happen in life, we’re all figuring this shit out as we go and just because you were in my shoes 5, 10, or 30 years ago doesn’t make you the end all be all of mothering because you didn’t birth my children, I did.
There will come points in motherhood that, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to heal your inner child while raising your own. I say this to mean, our children are nothing more than little pieces of us, they carry the same characteristics, mannerisms and, unfortunately, traumas as we do, it’d be impossible for them not to. All of us have experienced some sort of trauma in our lives that we never worked thru and, more times than not, it’s because we weren’t taught how, I know I wasn’t as I was taught to “get over it” or “stop being so sensitive” and act as though nothing was wrong. Just a simple word of advice: actually sit and have conversations with your child about their feelings about situations because not doing so TRULY screws up human beings and their ability to be able to forge healthy relationships in their life.
I am a GenXer who was raised by a Boomer which means my mother was raised with sternness and little nurturing which gave birth to the mindset of “just do what you’re told and don’t make me look bad” and “I’m not your lil friend, I don’t care if you’re sad because someone hurt your feelings, get over it and make sure your space is clean” and this child rearing trickled down to my generation. For me to be bitter or resentful towards my mother would be unfair as she was only able to give me what she had, I can’t fault her for that but I can and am doing differently with my children because that cycle needs to be broken somewhere.
As most know, my mother’s and my relationship was strained for decades which broke my father’s heart and he’d say, “You only have one mother” with the expectation I’d forgive her regardless of what she said or did and, truth be told, I did which didn’t help my mental health. While it’s true we only get one mother, we don’t all get the ones who nurture our spirits, some of us get the ones who teach us where our strengths are by being our first op/bully. Some may not be strong enough to set firm boundaries with a toxic parent because, well, they are our first homes and we only get one, right? But your strength will be revealed and grow when you choose to show up differently for your children than you received as a child. Show up for your babies the way you wish someone had shown up for you. Be great, my loves!
