{"id":1362,"date":"2022-11-14T19:38:34","date_gmt":"2022-11-15T00:38:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/?p=1362"},"modified":"2022-11-14T19:38:36","modified_gmt":"2022-11-15T00:38:36","slug":"may-not-be-pretty-but-its-worth-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/2022\/11\/14\/may-not-be-pretty-but-its-worth-it\/","title":{"rendered":"May not be pretty but it’s worth it"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! I know, it\u2019s been a minute and all I can say to that is life and healing have been consuming me lately. I will admit that I used to be one of those who believed that healing was pleasant and peaceful but that is a whole ass lie as this shit gets quite heavy at times. While it may be heavy and challenging at times, there is no turning back and I am seeing and feeling the benefits. What has been the heaviest for me is being able to see how unhealed those closest to me are which is forcing me to create boundaries and distance myself as to not regress, I\u2019ve worked too hard and been thru too much to give up now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the beginning of this journey, my self-care had me in butterfly land sitting by a rainbow petting a unicorn, it felt really good to finally take and make time for myself. Lately, I have been experiencing the parts of myself which were buried deep, coming to the surface to be healed and it\u2019s kinda ugly. I am not feeling myself as of late, I am naturally a very sensitive and sentimental person but right now, I just want to be left alone. Yes, I do struggle with mental health but this is different than the random depression I\u2019ve become accustomed to as I\u2019ve been in a funk for the last couple of weeks and forcing myself to maintain my self-care Sundays. I mean, I can\u2019t go to work looking like who-dun-it, right? No matter the mood, this Queen will always make sure her nails, lashes, and hair are done, it\u2019s just who I am.<\/p>\n\n\n

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One thing I\u2019ve come to learn about healing yourself is that you will encounter tests of all levels and types on this journey and this past weekend was a prime example of such test. I had the honor of attending the celebration of 75 years of life for the matriarch of our family at an elegant event and was, initially, excited about being able to dress up and enjoy family and friends. However, anyone who knows me fully understands how quickly I will find a reason to flake and stay in the house but I knew I couldn\u2019t do that because turning \u00be of a century is a big deal. I decided I would wear a fitted black dress, cream blazer, and red stiletto sandals with my hair in a slicked back ponytail and was feeling myself because, no lie, I look good at 50 and was proud of myself.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Salem always has to be in the picture<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

As I drove to the event, I was singing and in good spirits even though I was going to be an hour and a half late but I\u2019m never on time and don’t know how to rush. I arrived at the event and my heart swelled as I was greeted with love by family members I don\u2019t see often enough and was even happier when I saw my favorite aunt and how she lit up when she saw me. My joy quickly turned to rage when she let me know my father\u2019s widow was also here. <\/p>\n\n\n

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At that moment, I felt all unhealed parts of me bum rush healed me and the internal battle caused me to shake with rage and the only thing that helped me maintain a semblance of calm was I hadn\u2019t laid eyes on her yet. I returned to my seat and sat there seething at the audacity of the stankin\u2019 ass bitch showing up as though she didn\u2019t do my Daddy, sisters, and me wrong! I decided to call my sister to talk me off the ledge and avoid needing bail money but, wouldn\u2019t you know? She didn\u2019t answer so, I called my mother but she too didn\u2019t answer so, I left the party room to sit in the hall to gather myself and composure as it\u2019s not Queen behavior to choke a bitch.<\/p>\n\n\n

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I returned to my seat, tried to eat some dinner but was no longer hungry as I was too busy scanning the room looking for her and decided this was not how I wanted to spend my evening and prepared to gather my things, say my good-byes, and roll out but before I could, my sister called me back. I went outside to my car so I could talk without eyes or ears on my conversation and to get away from the music. And, this is when it happened, I heard my father\u2019s voice say, \u201cDon\u2019t you ever let someone affect you so much that you leave a space, you are better than that. Don\u2019t you know you<\/strong> are making her<\/strong> more uncomfortable just by being there? This is YOUR family, not hers! Take your few minutes to get yourself together and walk back in there with your head held high and enjoy yourself, don\u2019t sulk in the corner, I raised you better than that\u201d<\/em>. It was at this point I felt healed me step forward as my posture straightened and I walked as though I had a crown on my head, there was confidence in my stride, and I knew I was better than what I was allowing to happen. I chatted with my sister for a few and headed back in as a totally different person and, although I was no longer angry, I made sure to make eye contact with her every chance I got. <\/p>\n\n\n

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I enjoyed the rest of the evening with my family, got my corner piece of cake, my goodie bag, and said my good-byes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am proud of myself because I know that, had this been 18 months ago, they would have had to pry my hands from around her neck in order to get the handcuffs on me. I am learning that healed me isn\u2019t here for the shits because I felt her step forward during the internal chaos and stand strong and unwavering no matter how much I wanted to break down, she wasn\u2019t allowing tears whether they be from sadness or anger, she simply straightened my crown and reminded me who the hell I was.<\/p>\n\n\n

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I don\u2019t share my experiences on this journey to discourage anyone, I share them to encourage you when it gets heavy and you want to stop. I share every part of this journey so you know you\u2019re not alone when it gets difficult and you want to give up, I\u2019m here to let you know there is beauty on the other side. Unfortunately, this path is not filled with sunflowers, a gentle breeze blowing, and birds singing as it\u2019s not a fairytale, it\u2019s real life and you\u2019re not an animated princess\/prince. On this path, you will encounter parts of yourself you didn\u2019t know were so damaged that they turned toxic, were rotting you from the inside, and come to the surface with a vengeance but that just shows you\u2019re on the right path. <\/p>\n\n\n

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It\u2019s definitely easier to just be, never taking the time to work thru all the shit we pushed aside to avoid reliving it but, honestly, what good does that do? When you avoid the dark, unhealed parts in yourself, they will forever taint any relationship you have and, unfortunately, come to the surface when you least expect it. Some feel as though they can shop, smoke, drink, or sex away those feelings and thoughts but the reality is, once your cart and bank account are empty, you come down off that high, or your legs stop shaking, the darkness is still there, you can’t escape it.<\/p>\n\n\n

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The beginning of the self-love and healing journey must be taken alone as no one can walk thru your traumas but you because you are the one who lived thru them. The one thing you will have to understand and come to grips with is that this will get lonely as you will begin to see how toxic those closest to you are as they\u2019ve taken the option to not heal and try to drag you back to where they are, don\u2019t go, you deserve healing. You\u2019ve but one life, make the most of it while you\u2019re on this side of the dirt, you are here for a purpose. Be great my lovelies!!<\/p>\n\n\n

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Smooches<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! I know, it\u2019s been a minute and all I can say to that is life and healing have been consuming me lately. I will admit that I used to be one of those who believed that healing was pleasant and peaceful but that is a whole ass lie as this shit … Continue reading “May not be pretty but it’s worth it”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1377,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1362","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7va7x-lY","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/grownwomanflow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Healing-1-e1668472501179.jpg?fit=475%2C296&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1362","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1362"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1362\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1375,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1362\/revisions\/1375"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1377"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1362"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1362"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1362"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}