{"id":663,"date":"2019-07-14T21:01:05","date_gmt":"2019-07-15T01:01:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/?p=663"},"modified":"2019-07-14T21:01:12","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T01:01:12","slug":"its-not-a-contract-nor-antiquated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/2019\/07\/14\/its-not-a-contract-nor-antiquated\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s not a contract nor antiquated"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Recently, I was approached with the concept of an open marriage! This is so laughable to me because, for those who are unaware, I should be a chubby cherub wearing a diaper and shooting people with heart shaped arrows because I just believe in love that much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Do I realize my ideals about love and marriage are a little old fashioned in comparison with today\u2019s societal views? Of course I do but that doesn\u2019t stop me from loving love, monogamy and marriage, nothing will ever stop that. Yes, I\u2019ve had my heart broken more than once but I understand love didn\u2019t break my heart, a person who didn\u2019t know how to love me hurt me, therefore, I don\u2019t hold love accountable for that pain. I also realize a lot of people have yet to embrace that concept and hold every person after their failed relationship accountable for their pain instead of healing it on their own. I\u2019ve spoken my peace on side pieces and will now address the ridiculous concept of an open marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, when does it become okay to add people to your relationship? It\u2019s been over 20 years since I said \u201cI do\u201d but I believe the vows you make before GOD, family and friends remain the same: you are to honor, cherish and be committed to the person standing before you at the altar til death do you part. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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But, of course, because people are now doing whatever the hell they want, you have spouses with boyfriends and girlfriends, attending swingers parties, and actually dating other people. While I was having the conversation with the person who is so very pro-open marriage, I asked him several times why he was trying to convince me, of all people, on this mockery of something so ideal, he must not know me very well, right? He wanted to try to change my perspective on it, I\u2019ll let you guess how that worked out for him. He tried every avenue possible to get me on the same street as him and say, \u201cOh, I get it and am now down with it<\/em>\u201d. Again, this is hilarious to me but I did let him speak his peace to see the underlying issue because I didn\u2019t understand how someone who has been married for 20+ years is now recruiting people for the open marriage lifestyle. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To me, an open marriage is breaking the 7th<\/sup> commandment among other things. Why would you promise to be with one<\/strong> person til death you part but when things aren\u2019t going as smoothly in year 15 as they were in year 1, you opt to see other people? I\u2019ve been married, I\u2019m aware of the shit show it can truly be which is why I am a divorcee\u2019! Marriage is work, it\u2019s a lot of work because you are joining 2 separate individuals to live a life as one, this is not always going to be easy but you made the decision to say \u201cI Do<\/em>\u201d. I got married relatively young, didn\u2019t know a lot but also knew I wanted my marriage to work, I fell short in some areas as did he and we decided to call it quits because too much damage had taken place to salvage the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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During the turbulent parts of my marriage, at no point did we look at each other and say, \u201cHey, this is a lil difficult for me right now so, I\u2019m going to go ahead and start seeing other people who will do things for me you no longer do. Oh, but don\u2019t worry, our marriage, finances, home and family will stay intact, I\u2019m just gonna be getting some on the side, \u2018kay<\/em>?\u201d, we stayed and tried our best to work it out with each other. Why not just leave the marriage since you want to live your life as a single person? Dating multiple people is what single<\/strong> people do, not something those who are building a life together partake in. I will say this one more time for those in the back who haven\u2019t caught on: I don\u2019t believe in open marriage<\/strong>. Dealing with one partner and trying to keep them happy while maintaining your own sanity is hard enough and you have people willingly adding more people to an obviously already messed up situation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I\u2019ve been told that marriage is antiquated and merely a contract you enter into with another person which should be evaluated every few years to see if it should be renewed. If that is the way you view marriage, why even bother affecting someone else\u2019s life? Marriage is not some contract you enter into with contingencies with the option to renew or void if you\u2019re not willing to put in the effort to make it last and work. Marriage is a union you enter into with the person you believe you can\u2019t live without and want to build a family, life and future with and the only renewing which takes place are of the vows you once took to show your continued dedication to this person for eternity. If you believe marriage is a contract, isn\u2019t dating other people a breach of sorts? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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If you want to put someone in evaluation status, give them a promise ring while you continue to get to know them and give the real them the opportunity to surface, don\u2019t join finances, business, , bank accounts, or have children and build a life with contingencies to date if you\u2019re not happy with how they keep their side of the bathroom sink. Prior to getting married, there are so many conversations about life which should take place, there will be compromises made on each person\u2019s behalf and, at that point, you decide if they are still \u201cthe one\u201d for you. If you don\u2019t want children, don\u2019t marry someone who does and take care of what you need to ~ snip snip<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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~ ensure you aren\u2019t out here knocking up people unnecessarily. There are compromises in any relationship but children being brought into this world is never one of them, that is messing up human beings for no reason because they can sense when they aren\u2019t truly wanted. \u00a0If you are a goal driven person, marrying someone who is a free spirit with no life plan could be a recipe for divorce or success because compromises can be made if you\u2019re both willing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The excuses for not leaving an unhappy marriage are so ridiculous to me because that\u2019s all they are: excuses. I\u2019ve heard \u201cWe have too many financial ties, I\u2019d lose too much if we divorced\u201d or \u201cWe do what we want and it\u2019s understood\u201d or, the worst \u201cWe stay together for our children\u201d. That last one is the worst because you are the role model for your children and this is the example of marriage you\u2019re setting for them? Your children, whom you claim you\u2019re staying in a miserable situation for, see and know mommy and daddy aren\u2019t happy, I don\u2019t care how big of front you try to put on in front of them, they know. When I was married, I struggled with the concept of divorce, felt as though I could do more but I was so miserable, there were times I didn\u2019t want to go home, I didn\u2019t share this with anyone until my cousin called me one day on my way home. I told her I wasn\u2019t happy, no real details of the reasons, that I wanted a divorce but felt I was going against GOD because marriage is HIS ideal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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and the words she spoke to me, eased my spirit: while marriage is HIS ideal, GOD never meant for you to live a life of misery<\/em>. It is absolutely okay to say to yourself and your spouse, \u201cThis isn\u2019t working and I don\u2019t want to hurt you any more than I already have, maybe we should go our separate ways before we end up hating each other<\/em>\u201d. \u00a0I totally get staying in a marriage, regardless of how miserable you are, because you don\u2019t want to fail at something which is really a big deal but, at some point, you have to ask yourself what matters more, your sanity and happiness or keeping up appearances for others? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage isn\u2019t antiquated in the least and those who believe it is or it\u2019s a type of contract you enter into with hopes of telling your spouse you\u2019re not going to renew the \u2018contract\u2019 when shit gets tough. When I speak to certain people about marriage, they can\u2019t believe I\u2019m not bitter and actually look forward to doing it again and then I get hit with the infamous \u201cPeople do this<\/em>\u201d, \u201cPeople do that<\/em>\u201d, and \u201cThis is what people are doing nowadays<\/em>\u201d but I ain\u2019t people, I don\u2019t conform to the jankety idea of relationships in current times. I wear my grandmother\u2019s wedding ring on a necklace around my neck every single day and touch it all day long because I admire and respect what it stands for: love, commitment, loyalty, genuine adoration, and longevity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I agree that marriage isn\u2019t for everyone, there are some people who realize this for themselves and live a relatively drama free lifestyle because they don\u2019t make commitments to others and, if that\u2019s what works for them, more power to them. Marriage is not something you enter into lightly or as a matter of convenience, if you can\u2019t say the reason you married your spouse was out of love and adoration, don\u2019t do it! Don\u2019t toy with someone\u2019s emotions who entered into that union with you for the right reasons but stays and is miserable because they don\u2019t want to be alone or start over. The day you feel you need to see other people is the day you need to have a conversation with your spouse that the marriage isn\u2019t working, let them go and find their happily ever after while you sow your oats. Here\u2019s a concept, how about dating and having relationships with people until you find the one who makes your heart smile as no one has before?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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If you wait for that person, you won\u2019t even see other people as an option, you\u2019ll be too focused on being with your partner and doing what it takes to make your lives as one happy. You miss the thrill of dating? Plan dates and vacations with your spouse on a regular basis don\u2019t get new people to date. It\u2019s no wonder there are so many damaged people walking this earth right now, they are settling for the mockery of marriage and relationships in hopes the one they love will ultimately choose to be with them and only them. If you\u2019re not ready to put in the effort it takes to make a marriage work with the understanding everyday isn\u2019t going to be rainbows and sunshine, stay single. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recently, I was approached with the concept of an open marriage! This is so laughable to me because, for those who are unaware, I should be a chubby cherub wearing a diaper and shooting people with heart shaped arrows because I just believe in love that much. Do I realize my ideals about love and … Continue reading “It’s not a contract nor antiquated”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":664,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-663","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7va7x-aH","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/grownwomanflow.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/marriage-quote-e1563152226897.jpg?fit=300%2C300&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/663","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=663"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/663\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1002,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/663\/revisions\/1002"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/664"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=663"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=663"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/grownwomanflow.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=663"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}