My parents instilled so much in me while I was growing up, I have carried those lessons forward in my everyday life and continue to instill them in my daughters. My daughters are nearing dating age (please pray for me), their father and I make sure they know what is and is not acceptable from a guy and to always maintain their sense of self-worth. There is no way in hell they will leave this house to the honk of a horn! They are worthy of the young man turning off the car, coming to the door, ringing the doorbell and speaking to me or their father before she is to cross that threshold. It’s called respect of us and our daughter, she’s worthy of it. If she whines about him possibly leaving if she doesn’t go out when he honks the horn, he’s proven he’s not worthy of dating our daughter and free to drive off alone. Another lesson I maintain? When on a date, I always have my own money in case he expects something from me for what I ordered, we all know about “that side of the menu”. I’m worth more than a steak dinner and will pay my half and Uber it home, never will I be forced into giving him the goods for a meal.
As you mature and age, you tend not to demand as much as you should because you want a relationship so badly. When you were in your 20s, your standards were high because you felt the dating pool was deep and full of potential prospects, giving you the option to pick and choose. When you near your 40s, that pool becomes shallow with picked over, bitter men. I, personally, don’t believe that’s any reason to lower my standards. Have you become less worthy because you have experience and maturity? No, you’re more worthy of those standards being met and respected because you DO have life experience and maturity. I understand everyone was raised differently but, again, that is no reason to feel and act as though you’re not worth a man treating you with dignity and respect.
I know too many females who have lowered their standards for a man who still wasn’t worthy of them once the bar was lowered. To be a viable candidate, a man should bring to the table everything you have to offer. For example, if you have a job, he should have a job; if you have a car, he should have a car; he should have somewhere to lay his head at night that isn’t in his momma’s house, especially if you have your own place, etc.. I’m not saying he should have the most expensive vehicle or highest paying job but have one. Yes, I know people fall on hard times and may be between vehicles or have to move back home with their parents, I totally get it. Understand this, if he’s fine being without a vehicle and relying on others to get from point A to B or has been home for a few years, he has no intentions of making any changes anytime soon.
I believe and expect a man should be a man in all aspects of a relationship, just as a woman should. If it snows and I have a man, I should not be outside shoveling snow. Now, I will go out and help where I can but I’m not going to be the main one shoveling while he chills in the house, nor will I cut the grass with my so-called man in the house watching me do so. If I’m getting up and working every day, an effort should be made on his part to do the same. If he has an awkward work schedule or hours have been cut back and is off during the week, he should take the initiative to do things around the house, get my oil changed, wash some clothes, mop the floor, don’t just sit around like a bump on a log or playing video games all day. I should never have to worry about taking out the trash nor should I have to ask him to do so, we both see it’s full.
As women, we tend to enable males to be less than what we truly deserve because we want that relationship to work. We sacrifice friendships and who we used to be in order to spend more time with him, we may even stop speaking our mind out of fear he will leave. Here’s a question for you: what’s the worst that will happen if you speak your mind and he doesn’t like it? Or if you enjoy girls’ night every now and then? If he doesn’t like it and leaves, will you die? Will those you love and care about die? No? Okay, it’s time to get back in touch with who truly are, have girl time, invest in me time and speak up and communicate with him, if he can’t take it, he’s not the one for you. Never want a relationship so badly you lose sight of who and how you truly are, always remain true to self and you’ll find the one who loves and encourages you to continue to grow and be who and how you naturally are.
Sometimes we relax our morals and standards after looking at the autopsies of failed relationships and feel if we had done this, that or the other differently, maybe we would currently be in our happily ever after. We are quick to point out where we feel we may have messed up and vow, with our next opportunity for a relationship, to not be so quick to anger or go out with our friends so much. An important aspect of any relationship is maintaining your individuality, you can’t have a successful relationship if it’s always all about that other person. You have to have me time, go get your nails and toes done, get your hair done, have drinks with your girls, you’re allowed and need time apart or you’ll begin to feel smothered which will turn you bitter and looking at another relationship autopsy report.
I speak from experience because I lost sight of the strong woman I was raised to be just to appease a man and his ego. Although I may have been happy for a little while, I gradually grew miserable because I wasn’t being true to myself. I cut off all of my friends, didn’t go out, went to fewer and fewer family gatherings and didn’t speak up when something was wrong for fear I would offend him and he’d leave. I endured a lot more than I should have because I thought I was the cause of our problems and didn’t want to ruffle his feathers because I didn’t think I could make it on my own. Those who know me today can’t fathom I was ever that way but I was, I wanted that relationship to work so badly I became unrecognizable to myself and others. I became someone he didn’t respect and even lost respect for myself once I reviewed the autopsy report. I am not bitter or angry with him for how things happened because I stayed and put up with it, hoping the more I sacrificed my morals and standards, the more apt he’d be to stay. Even though the relationship didn’t work out, I feel blessed to say we are now once again very good friends and I speak my mind and am myself because I am free to be to do so.
Ladies, never get so deep in trying to appease and relying on someone else that you lose sight of who you were created to be. Your relationship is just that: YOURS, never let anyone else’s judgments have you remain in an unhealthy, uneven relationship. If it’s not working (and neither is he), it’s okay to speak on what you want and deserve and up to him whether or not he is willing to deliver. You are worthy of having your door opened, trash taken out, being a passenger more than you are the driver, not having to be the main one footing the bills, we all deserve that love and respect in a relationship. Your representative, you know her, she’s the one who’s been in this relationship faking it til he wakes up? Yeah, her, she won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship because your true self, standards and morals are there and will come to the surface in due time.
Great read and something women, both young and mature, can soak in.