Month: January 2023

Who followed their childhood dream?

Hey, my Lovelies! I was recently out of town on business and was feeling out of place for the first hour or so until I sat down at a table of a more fun group of people. During some of the conversation, I learned this gentleman’s daughter was a veterinarian and remembered when that was my sister’s goal and dream job. There are some professions which are sparked in our youth and drives us to do whatever it takes to follow that path. I started to think about what I wanted to be when I grew up and, trust me, I’m nowhere near that profession but I’m happy with what I do.

When I was younger, there were a couple of ‘careers’ I firmly believed I’d build my life around: stay at home wife and mother or a nurse. It’s amazing how both kind of go hand in hand because there were, and still are, many days where I am diagnosing and making another human being feel better. I have told you many times before, I am very old school and, yes, my goal was to be Suzy Homemaker with my two beautiful daughters, handsome husband who happily went to work each day and came home to a clean house with a hot meal on the table waiting for him, and our perfect home with two dogs and a white picket fence.

Well, I was a stay-at-home mom for almost two years and that shit is not cracked up to be anywhere near what I envisioned as it was damn near impossible to keep a clean house with two toddlers constantly running around, pulling out toys, getting their clothes dirty, messing up their hair, fighting each other and naps while attempting to stay on top of all the laundry, feeding the children, and having a hot meal on the table when the husband came home. As you know, I am happily divorced from a husband who was not happy going to work while I stayed home, an empty nester who lives in a high rise which is more ideal of a perfect home than I’d ever fathom, on the friend side of parenting my now grown children, and enjoying my best life loading.  

When I entered high school, my best friend had the crazy idea of us becoming candy stripers and I was fully onboard as, well, the outfits were just too cute for words. Oh, yeah, that’s right, I also had the dream of being a nurse so this would have been my introduction into that world. I’m aware that some will say that I didn’t set my sights high enough because I didn’t want to be a doctor and that’s fine because I’m fully owning that I didn’t want to spend about 12 years in college to become one.

We did not, in fact, become candy stripers because high school was enough pressure so, we became cheerleaders because, again, cute outfits. As I neared the end of my high school career, my bestie had another brilliant career suggestion for us: Stewardesses. Yes, I agree that at a young age, that would have been an excellent way to see the world but there was one hiccup for me, I was deathly afraid of flying so, that thought was gone quicker than it arrived.

As my high school career came to a close, much to my father’s chagrin, I made a less than stellar decision to not immediately further my education. I’m sure you’re wondering why this decision was something I was reminded of for years to come and it’s because instead of taking a free ride to Georgetown University, I opted to ‘take a year off’ which turned into never attending college. I could easily say not going after that 1 year was due to getting a car and having a car note and, while that’s true, I was comfortable in my good government job and going to the club several times a week, I was enjoying being young. Do I regret not going to college? I really don’t because I know that where my mind was at that time, I would have just pledged a sorority and partied which, while being a good experience, would have wasted a lot of time.

When I was married and raising our daughters, I got the urge to actually pursue that nursing degree again, with the girls being in school and pretty self-sufficient, I firmly believed I would be able to go to school part-time and get it done. As a responsible wife, I sat down to have this discussion with my husband so we could figure out how to make my dream come true but he hit me with the biggest dose of reality I had never once considered: working on children who had been in car accidents, beaten by their parents, or even house fires or dealing daily with bed sores which went to the bone. As many times as I had dreamt of being a nurse, I’d never stopped to think of the darker side of what I would see. I wrapped my head around the fact that, as a nurse, I’d never actually heal anyone, I’d merely make them comfortable by providing them medication prescribed by their doctor and watch them writhe in pain when their meds had maxed out. I don’t do well with loss and, as a nurse, this is something you experience on a regular basis as the patients you’ve gotten to know either pass away or get better and go home, no one stays in the hospital forever.

After my divorce, I dabbled in the funeral business by attending embalming and assisting with the preparation for funerals. This was something I firmly believed I could do because none of my clients were any longer suffering or in pain and my work would give their loved ones a sense of peace and comfort. I decided this is what I would do until I signed up for the courses and learned there was a required credit for public speaking and, while I get it because I had to interact with grieving loved ones, I fully own that I don’t do well in that type of environment. While I didn’t fully pursue my degree, I still worked with the funeral home as it oddly gave me a sense of peace until my Daddy passed and I’ve not been back since as there is a difference between death and loss.

While I may not have gone to school and gotten a degree to be a nurse, I have used my knowledge and country remedies to cure and make my daughters feel better when they are sick. I guess my path was never to get a degree to be technical in making others feel better, it’s more about my presence and authentic concern which soothes the souls, aches, pains, and discomfort of those I love and care about and that’s enough for me. When I was younger, I always assumed I’d always be happy but time, misunderstandings, trials and tribulations have taught me that it takes time, energy, healing, and the dissolving of the illusion of what ‘happy’ is, you have to experience it to understand and appreciate it. Be great, my loves!

Lost treasures

Hey, my Lovelies! I was recently having a conversation with a friend and realized I must have been born in the wrong era because my morals, ethics, and beliefs don’t align with today’s societal ways. I will tell anyone how much of an old-fashioned woman I am and stand 10 toes firm on my standards and beliefs as straying from them to ‘fit in’ with society’s jankety ways doesn’t sit well with my spirit and I also feel I’d be disappointing my lineage if I didn’t stay the course of what they worked so hard to create for and within me. I, personally, believe that simple and authentic human decency is a treasure that has been lost among us.

It amazes me how far we’ve strayed from being just good humans to one another, in this day and age, people are all about self to the point when someone does something from the kindness of their heart, it’s viewed as some sort of scam or an attempt to get over on another. There are so many facets to human decency, it doesn’t just pertain to helping an elderly person cross a busy street or picking up a child’s toy in a grocery store. Even these simple acts of kindness are sometimes questioned or met with looks of fear and words of anger for having the audacity to help. We have also been tainted and dissuaded from helping another because the number of people preying on the kindness of others has skyrocketed and we no longer know or believe who is truly in need.

Do I give money to every homeless person I see? Honestly, no I do not but that’s not because my heart is cold, it’s mainly because I very rarely ever have cash on me. I have been questioned as to why I would give them money and told they’re just going to buy drugs or liquor with it but, the reality is, that’s not my cross to bear. When I offer $1 to someone who appears in need, if they use it to cause further destruction in their lives, that’s on them as it didn’t come with rules, regulations, or stipulations. How would you feel if your employer required a detailed list of how you planned to spend every cent of the paycheck you worked for? Yes, I know some will argue that you worked for that paycheck while negating the fact that the countless homeless vets worked and risked their lives for this country. Looking out for one another and more for those in need is truly a treasure that has been lost in this selfish society.

I hate the fact that it’s become such a common place thing in our lives to hear a youth has been senselessly shot and killed and no longer feel any sort of empathy or rage that we’re slowly losing a generation to violence. I live in the DC metro area and I do what I can to avoid watching the news as all it’s filled with nothing but stories of gun violence and it’s getting bolder and bolder as they’re no longer waiting until nightfall, they don’t care. I’m old enough to remember when DC was called Dodge City because the drug game and violence seemed to be out of hand but at least then they were keeping it among themselves whereas now, no one is safe when children just trying to ride a bus home from school end up getting shot because biological adults don’t know how to act and pull out a gun with the mindset it will solve the problem. When did we get to the point that we can’t even enjoy nice weather by having lunch at a café while sitting outside without having to worry about someone having beef and shooting the place up? The lack of human decency to care about devastating a family by killing their loved one because they crossed over into ‘your territory’, which is in absolutely no way yours, is truly a lost treasure.

I remember growing up with the understanding I had to be on, at least, good behavior at all times because my village was always watching and would report back to my parents if I decided to act like an untrained circus monkey at any time. For those who may be unaware, the village I speak of is comprised of family, friends, and neighbors who knew and respected my parents. The beauty of having a village caused us to be always accountable for our actions as we didn’t just have to answer to our parents, we had discussions with the one who caught us and then took what they witnessed to our parents. I am 50 years old and am still very mindful of how I act because I learned the hard way how many people know my family when my behavior got back to my mother and I was questioned and chastised on how I ”was raised better than that”.

With my grandfather having been the principal in a school for 30 years, everyone in that small town knew all generations of my family, there was no getting black out drunk and acting a complete ass or mouthing off to a cashier or bullying anyone as it got back home before I did. Again, the treasure of a village kept my ass in check and built a foundation to be mindful of my actions at all times regardless if I recognized every face in an establishment because there would always be that one person who recognized me even if I’d never met them because my family has strong genes. No matter how much my sister wants to believe I was adopted, I can’t dispute my lineage and blood line, I look too much like both sides of my family to attempt to get away with anything.

If you’ve been here for a while, you know I can’t mention the loss of the treasure of human decency in relationships. I am dollar bill single and am comfortable with the fact I will probably remain this way because I don’t have the time, tolerance, or patience for the lack of respect men have for women. I was raised with the old school understanding the man is the pursuer, if you want to talk to and get to know me, come correctly and that means, don’t expect me to come over to your table to strike up a conversation and buy you a drink. I have had this conversation with a couple of men over the years and it’s another area I stand 10 toes firm on. When did men get soft as baby shit and whine about wanting to be pursued?

If I have to make the first move because you’re in your feminine energy, when does it stop? When do you put your big boy pants on and put in effort to make plans and be consistent with it? So many men want a woman to be submissive without having an understanding of how to lead because if they knew how to lead, they’d know their woman would submit with no conversation, resistance, or conflict, it comes naturally. No, I am not putting all of this on men as women haven’t helped make the situation any better because they’ve stepped into the masculine energy and believe they can do the same thing as men and, in my opinion, it doesn’t work that way. Have females had to learn how to do more things on their own in life due to the strong male? Yes, we sure have but sometimes we take it too far to the point we make a man feel as though they’re neither needed or appreciated.  If there was still human decency in relationships, side pieces wouldn’t be so prevalent and glorified, they’d be shamed.

I can’t tell you how we got away from being good and decent to one another but I can tell you I don’t like it and make sure my children still display it in every form. Being a decent human being doesn’t mean you have to go broke or be broken to help another, it simply means doing what you feel is right in your spirit. I can only speak for myself when I say this is how I was raised and understand everyone wasn’t raised like me but I do have faith my generation shares this understanding. I refuse to let my human decency be a lost treasure as I will hold onto it with a white knuckled grip because anything less negates the efforts and struggles of my lineage to be and do better with each generation.  The lack of human decency in today’s society stems from a lot of unhealed trauma and heartbreak and, I believe, once we learn how to heal, this may not be a treasure which is forever lost. Be great, my Loves!

I want to see you be brave

Hey, my Lovelies! Have you ever looked at someone and watched how they live their lives and admire their bravery? I know I have admired others for simply doing something I don’t believe I’d ever have the heart to accomplish but they do it with ease and lack of fear but when mentioned they are brave, they don’t see their actions as bravery, just living the only way they know how. While we may admire others for their bravery, we rarely take into account that the way we live our lives is brave as well.

I rarely view myself or anything I’ve done as brave, I view it as being determined not to be homeless, jobless, or as a disheveled mess of emotions huddled in a corner bawling my eyes out because ‘life is just so hard’, I’m not built like that nor do I have the privilege of doing so because I have two beautiful daughters looking up to me. When you sacrifice your happiness to enable another to grow and experience life, that’s an act of bravery. I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve stayed in situations longer than one would think to be humanly possible just so my daughters don’t suffer mentally, physically, or emotionally, they are my reason and what brings my courage and bravery to the forefront, it’s not been for me. Many fail to understand or acknowledge how the brave parent is the one who sacrifices their wants and needs for those of their children as it takes strength and a deep level of love to be selfless.

Being an overthinker, I grew up affectionately being referred to as chicken little because I was afraid of anything and everything and, while my sister contributed to a lot of my fears, my mind was also a culprit as it would come with multiple scenarios on how something very simple could go wrong which gave me such pause, I was unable to find the courage to follow thru because my brain made a lot of sense when it said, “Don’t do that shit, you know it’s not going to work out“.

I grew up watching my sister live life with no regard for it, she just lived every day to the fullest, doing exactly what she wanted with what seemed to be little regard for any consequences and many times she scared the bejeezus out of me as I’m very calculated with every move I make, talk about polar opposites. I will admit there have been times I envied her eff it attitude because it seemed so freeing but it was never enough to make me step out of my box of comfort to experience it because I’ve watched her way of living come back to bite her in the ass a couple of times but I’ve also watched her appear to be unaffected by the repercussions.

One area I will own being brave is allowing myself to experience and fall in love. Who am I kidding? I didn’t allow squat, cupid’s fat ass got in a lucky shot when I was let my guard down for 2 seconds. What I did permit was allowing myself to give in to the feeling of being with someone who took my breath away just by being in my presence and letting me live in butterfly land while feeling as though I was walking on cloud nine. Allowing yourself to experience love is brave because you can’t control any aspect of it, there will be times your behavior will be viewed as stupid by those on the outside looking in but if it feels right, just, and good to you, that’s all that matters, not other’s opinions of how your relationship should look. Allowing yourself to give in to love 100% is brave because the chance of getting hurt always exist but knowing this and still taking the chance requires more courage than any of us are given credit for.

Becoming an empty nester afforded me the opportunity to sit with myself and do the work it took to heal past wounds and traumas which I feel is brave as too many let that pain stew and control them. When you’ve done this, you’ll understand how brave it is to face and conquer your demons. It takes a lot of courage to review your past and own where you may have been wrong in situations but it takes just as much courage to come to grips with the fact that some things that happened to you were not your fault, you didn’t contribute to the actions of another against you. It takes even more courage to look at yourself in the mirror, make direct eye contact, and forgive yourself. Those who aren’t ready to heal will say it’s easier to just sweep the pain and trauma under their mental rug of shit they don’t want to deal with because they don’t have time as they have other things to do. I have put myself at the top of my list of priorities and made time to deal with and heal my pain because I am worth it.

The word bravery is very subjective as what’s brave to me may be a drop in the bucket to another person. I believe every person walking this earth is brave in some form or fashion as they wake up each day and do what it takes to wake up tomorrow in hopes of having and being better. Finding your voice and speaking your convictions with tact and passion is brave as too many stay silent out of fear of offending the other person all while being offended by the same person who doesn’t take the time or effort to choose their words more carefully. When you fight for what you love and believe in, you are choosing to be brave. There will be times when you don’t feel your best, feel defeated, or just cry but remember, you are still choosing to be here and that’s brave. Bravery comes in all shapes and sizes, it’s not a one size fits all type of covering. Be great and brave, my loves!