Hey, hey, my Lovelies! A little over a week ago, I celebrated my 51st trip around the sun and have been reflecting on all that has transpired in my life since hitting the milestone of turning half a century. Although what I did/didn’t do on that day would seem extremely boring to most, it soothed my simple soul and reminded me of how much I have truly grown since last year. I awoke with every intention of treating myself to breakfast at my new favorite spot but those plans were beautifully derailed by the many phone calls wishing me a Happy Birthday.
I did get to the restaurant but never ate because there was a mess up on their end and I left because I knew I was capable of snapping and that was not going to be how my day started. I decided to do a little retail therapy before figuring out where else I would feed myself but the rudeness of people were still trying to steal my joy but, again, it was not happening on my special day. I ran some necessary errands and brought my high yella ass home and ate and, apparently, the aggravation people were putting upon me was merely me being hangry.
This time last year, I was 6 months in of getting my feet wet at what I deemed to be my dream job. Well, a year later, there are aspects which have made me wonder if it’s a dream or nightmare but the good has been outweighing the bad because I’m grown enough to know there’s going to be drama and bullshit at any job, nowhere is perfect. In this one year, I’ve been promoted, received more responsibility, more money, and had the opportunity to travel quite a bit but with all those perks, I still have to deal with the middle school antics of insecure females. I have actually had the passing thought of leaving but then hear my Daddy’s voice saying, “Don’t ever let someone run you out of a place your rightly belong. Remember, your presence makes them uncomfortable, never the other way around” and suck it up, look at the positives, keep my head to the sky, and feel grateful for my opportunity to shine.
Until last year, I’d never taken off for my birthday as I was raised to not waste my leave and being off without plans is wasteful to me. But, last year, I felt my milestone was worthy of my leave and made plans to do something I enjoyed which was going to and spending the day at an art museum downtown and I was excited. My mistake was not checking the calendar because I learned the hard way that my special day also fell on Good Friday which meant there was an exuberant number of tourists in the city because everyone was out of school. I was still hopeful that my peace wouldn’t be disturbed because what teenager wants to walk around a usually quiet art museum, right? Well, it felt like all of them because it was warm outside and cool in the museum. I spent about 2 hours looking at art with my ear buds in before I could take no more, ordered my Lyft ®, came home, and poured myself a nice glass of wine. Even though other people’s children and ignorance had irritated me, it didn’t disturb my peace as I’d chosen to do what I wanted to do for myself on my special day.
One of the best things that has transpired in the last year is the repairing of and blossoming relationship with my Mommie. Anyone who knows me also knows that our relationship was a strained one for about 4 decades or so, it wasn’t pretty nor was it what either of us truly wanted but it was what it was. This time last year we were 2 months into having had a very hard and explosive discussion which oddly cleared up every misconception I’d had about her and opened my eyes to how much our lives are parallel to one another. I’ve always known my mother was a strong woman and didn’t think I could respect her any more for still standing after all she’s been thru until that clearing conversation. I am so grateful and proud to say I speak to my mother about every other day whereas 14 months ago, I had anxiety about her staying with me for 8 straight days as we’d never spent more than a couple of hours with it being jus the 2 of us. I used to think being like my mother was detrimental to my spirit but I now take pride in our similarities and embrace them fully.
This time last year, I was finally settling in to being an empty nester and enjoying waking up to everything being where it was supposed to be but also missing waking up with the responsibility of being a Mommie to my girls. Welp, a year later, still enjoying the empty nester lifestyle and loving the growing relationships I have with both of my daughters. Being a parent is a beautiful experience because you are there when these wonderful humans enter the world and blessed to watch them grow and develop into intelligent, responsible, and respectful young adults who, if you’re lucky, turn into your friends. The hardest part of your children growing up is standing by as they struggle with adulting without jumping in to pull them back under your wings of protection. When you’ve been a present parent, if your child hurts, you hurt worse and will do whatever it takes to make it stop but also know you have to let them experience life. As a proud Mommie, I can say my girls are doing fabulous and only getting better and stronger with each passing moment.
I decided to take this self-healing journey seriously last year and put in the work it takes to heal from all the shit I put myself thru and happened to me and I chose to bring you along on the journey. I foolishly stepped on this path with the mindset and expectation it would be like floating on ethereal clouds with a constant smile on my face because I’d only seen healed people and that’s the energy they exuded. No one mentioned snot nosed crying sprees from the release of healing traumas nor talked about how many people you lose along the journey because you learn to set and stick to boundaries for your mental health. I thought that with all the years of therapy I’d been in, I wouldn’t have a lot of stuff to heal but it’s been proven that’s a lie.
Yes, therapy helped me at that time to identify some of my traumas but life kept happening and more traumas were added and simply put on the back burner as I had to take care of my children and try to prevent them from accumulating traumas as I had. I opted to take this journey without the assistance of therapy because it is something I needed to do on my own, I didn’t need guidance or someone to say, “How does that make you feel?” because I’d probably respond with “Like shit! How do you THINK it feels?!” and I don’t regret one moment of it. The one thing I will say about this self-love/self-healing stuff is once you begin to heal, your tolerance of bullshit, drama, and toxic people/environments is extremely low and you’re able to dismiss people and situations at the first red flag. It’s amazing how easy it is to now see the unhealed and keep your distance from them as to not disturb your peace.
I was supposed to be getting a life at this point last year but have become even more of hermit who doesn’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work or run errands because I’m more easily irritated with other people. There are the occasions when I take myself to breakfast or do some brick-and-mortar retail therapy but other than that, I get my money’s worth for the amount I pay and enjoy my home while binge watching ratchet reality television. I’m not going to lie, I’m beginning to scare myself a lil bit with the amount of time I spend in the house and away from others but I’m doing what I feel is best for me right now. I am fully aware that I am heal-ing and not heal-ed which means the ability to spazz is ever present.
I know as a woman I’m supposed to be afraid of getting older but I truly love this shit, every year I sink deeper into this bath of unapologetic realness and it’s amazing! Cheers to me on this, my 51st born day and Happy Birthday to my Mommie who went thru a lot bring me into this world and even more not to take me out of it! Be great, my loves!
