Hey, my lovelies! I hope life has been treating you all well as I’m sure it’s been life-ing for you a bit lately. Today, I would like to speak on a cause/awareness which is very personal to me. The month for its awareness was September but, as we all know, these issues don’t confine themselves to only take place in a 30-day period, it’s a 365-day issue. Seeing as it feels as though September and October both just poked their heads in, said “What’s up” and rolled out, time got away from me but I will be speaking on Suicide Awareness. Grab your beverage of choice, whether it be caffeinated, spirited, or just hydrating and let’s chat.
I have, personally, contemplated taking my own life twice, each time was a totally different kind of heart break but that pain was so deep, I didn’t want to continue on this side of the dirt. I’m willing to revisit the darkest periods of my life and risk my lashes to share my experiences in hopes of helping others know they are not alone in their struggles, we all go thru shit but, unfortunately, not all of us don’t make it to this side. There are opposing views on suicide because there are those who have been ready to slit their wrists with purpose and not for attention and there are those who’ve been left behind due to their loved one’s decision. I can see how some will say it’s a very selfish decision but those are the same people who aren’t experiencing the heart wrenching pain or paralyzing feelings of not being good enough and always bringing drama and pain to their loved ones.
As you all know, I am happily divorced but there was a point in time that I was a wife struggling to make my husband happy and that struggle, as well as immaturity, caused him to leave me after a mere 15 months of marriage. There aren’t too many people who know or understand how deeply his decision broke me. When he left, I felt like a failure and didn’t want to become a statistic who couldn’t make her marriage last past 2 years. I’m not sure many can understand or relate when I say I, literally, didn’t want to live as the pain and shame were crippling and I felt it would just be easier not to exist anymore, at least then there’d be no more pain. I recall going to my sister’s house to sit while he packed and moved out because I couldn’t bear to watch and, on the way home, my pain caused me to black out with my foot on the gas pedal and I didn’t care, felt it would be easier to just crash.
I may have some choice words and thoughts about my overthinking brain but it saved my life that night because I realized that death was not guaranteed, I could have crashed and become a vegetable which would have caused more strain on my loved ones and I could have killed an innocent person so, I snapped to and reduced my speed from 98 mph to 60 mph. Upon return to our apartment and for the next few weeks, I had nothing but time on my hands to think of the ways I would end my life and went thru every scenario possible that wouldn’t give me an ugly corpse. Yes, even in my darkest moments, I was vain.
When I came to in my car that night, I had so many conflicting thoughts but the one that saved my life is I couldn’t do that to my sister and parents as it wasn’t fair and would be something they’d never recover from. The opposing thought was there would probably be people relieved that they didn’t have to deal with me and all my sensitivity bullshit. I had already had a strong sense of being unworthy of love and the one person who vowed to love me left which only intensified this feeling. I want to state that I wasn’t contemplating taking my life to make my husband feel some type of way or punish him, his feelings weren’t a prominent consideration during this period, my pain of being a failure stood at the forefront ten toes deep. Having been raised in the Baptist church, I am confident when I say that GOD put the images of my broken family in my mind to deter me from committing the one sin you can’t repent from. After 6 months apart, we reconciled and brought forth my heartbeats and reasons for living – my daughters.
As I mentioned, there have been 2 times in my life that I wanted it to end and the second time was when my Daddy died. To those who’ve never lost a parent, I need you to understand how fortunate you are because that is a different kind of pain as it’s literally half of your beginning. My Daddy was my world, best friend, confidant, and unknowing recipient of many of our pranks but took each one in stride with a smile on his face. I could speak for an eternity on the wonderful person he was and have been blessed to come across people who share my feelings of him. Since I viewed him as my hero, his entire journey on his way to the other side came as a shock to me because heroes aren’t supposed to die, I somehow believed him to be immortal but on May 20, 2010 at 12:20 am, that was proven false, he was human just like you and me.
When I received the phone call he’d taken his last breath, I was alone as the girls were with their father for the weekend and I curled into the fetal position in the middle of my bed and begged GOD to take me because I didn’t know how to live without him here on earth with me. As a mother who was newly single, I didn’t have time to go thru scenarios on how to end my life this time because they needed me to be here for them. I will own that I didn’t take the time to properly grieve the loss of my Daddy because I didn’t know how to be the mother my daughters needed and grieve the greatest loss I’d ever experienced at the same time. It has been 13 years and I miss him dearly but am now afraid to grieve as I don’t know if I will be able to recover from breaking that much.
I can say I’m blessed not to have been touched by a loved one actually taking their own life but I have been there for someone who has teetered dangerously close to the edge of ending it all, although I feel blessed to have been there for this person in that period of darkness, I am unable to speak to the actual loss. I can only speak on my own experiences to enlighten others that it’s not truly a selfish act, it is something that person thought long and hard on before they closed their eyes for the final time. I, personally, believe those who view it as selfish react in that manner as they’re in an unmentionable amount of pain and didn’t receive closure. My hopes with sharing my struggles is that you tune into your loved ones more, let them know they are worthy of everything good life has to offer, that they make the world better just by being in it. If you are on the side of struggling to stay on this side of the dirt, I hope you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself the same you’d tell another who is struggling. I have always been the one to encourage another and help them see every silver lining in their beautiful life but wasn’t able to always see it for myself. Too many times, we put the onus on others for validation when it should come from ourselves first.
Please understand that having these thoughts does not make a person weak, they have just reached a point they feel there is no return. The one thing you can do is listen and not judge as they are constantly judging and blaming themselves, they don’t share with you for you to continue to make them feel like shit. I have spoken many times on mental health and suicide is directly connected. Those who struggle with mental health have people around them downplaying the severity of the struggle as they’ve either never been there or just don’t deal with the dumpster fire going on in their own minds. Also, understand that a person who is struggling isn’t going to reach out to you because they already feel like a burden so it’s important that you check in on your loved ones on a very regular basis. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can find help by dialing 988 on your cell phone. This service is available 24 hours a day to talk, text, or chat. Be great, my loves!
