We all go thru things in life, some bad, some good, some indifferent but it’s how we handle ourselves in and after every situation that makes the difference. Believe it or not, how we handle it is actually something that’s deeply rooted inside of us, not that actual situation, it stems from a ‘seed’ that was planted YEARS ago, some seeds are good but the ones that truly affect your mood, actions and behavior tend to be the not so good ones. I say this to mean, if you were made to feel unworthy in your youth/past, you’ll continue to live thru every situation with that same feeling of unworthiness and find yourself accepting less than you deserve. On the flip side, if you were praised and given kudos growing up, you’ll have a sense of worthiness for the good that happens in your life.
There were things that transpired in my youth that are affecting me in my adult life and, for the longest time, I just thought I was a terrible, unlovable person, unworthy of being treated any better. Well, the fact that I’m fabulous lets me know I am not this person I was conditioned to believe I was. Thru soul searching and therapy, I’ve been blessed to locate my infamous seed, now I just have to deal with it so I can walk in my true destiny. I believed just learning what the seed was would be enough, never realizing I had to actually go back and deal with it and definitely couldn’t fathom how nearly impossible healing from it would feel. In order to deal with and heal from that seed, I have to deal with the tree of misery it grew to be as well as each and every branch stemming off it to move forward. This tree had become rooted in my soul and, dealing with and healing from it is the epitome and true definition of soul searching and it’s HARD but I know it will be worth it.
Have you ever gone thru a couple of less than perfect relationships and gotten your heart broken bad enough you, to a degree, give up even trying just to avoid that possible pain yet again? Or how about have a friendship end and blame yourself, believing you are the bad person? You could also be a conformist to situations as to not ruffle feathers because you can’t handle conflict. Have you ever stayed in a relationship because you felt, even though it was destructive, your love could save someone who didn’t even realize their own issues? This list could go on and on, the point I’m trying to make is it’s not who you are, it’s who you were conditioned to be by someone who couldn’t deal with their own issues so they, inadvertently, damaged you. The person/people who did this more than likely didn’t do it intentionally, it was more of a knee jerk reaction to what they were struggling with inside themselves.
Loss of a loved one will trigger emotions and feelings so strong and deep we withdraw and lash out at those closest to us without our own realization. For the first 3 years after my father passed, I lashed out at everyone close to me near the anniversary of his death, never realizing my pain had actually turned in to anger. When we lose someone close to us, there’s a void which will never be filled the same no matter how hard someone else tries. Speaking for myself, when the anniversary of my father’s death nears, I just want to be alone so I can miss and mourn him and feel anyone who is around is intruding on his time and memory. It took me 4 years to let those closest to me know I would be to myself for about a week so I wouldn’t lash out at them and have to apologize the following week. I did and said whatever I had to just to be alone, my pain caused me to be harsh and nasty to those who just wanted to be there for me, it wasn’t right and I knew it but didn’t care, all I cared about was being left alone, feeling no one and nothing could soothe my pain. There have been those that understood me needing my space and then there were those who tried to love and be there for me thru it, while I appreciated their efforts, I still made sure I was alone. This is an example of a seed, I didn’t know it was there for over 3 years and it affected me and my relationships until I found and dealt with it the best way I knew how at the moment, I’d never lost half of my beginning before, it was new to me.
Having an absentee parent could plant the seed of feeling unworthy of love and commitment, how could it not? From your perspective, half of your beginning didn’t think enough about you to stay around or even be involved in your life, you believe you weren’t worthy of love and acceptance. This follows you as you grow up and you find yourself in situationships which have no true chance of being anything serious because you’re used to people leaving, it’s what you believe, feeling you’re worthy of having anyone stay around. And, yes, I said situationships because you haven’t experienced a true relationship, just situations masking themselves as a relationship which never have all the elements of a true relationship. When you have this seed, you are hesitant to get close to anyone out of fear they will leave and take yet another piece of your heart with them, never taking the chance on what could be the one to turn it around and have you see people do stay and love you for who you are.
We’ve all been a seed planter with someone else, each and every one of us, this shows you how unintentional this action is. When we are in pain or struggling to deal with our own demons, we hurt others who genuinely love and care about us and that plants a seed within them, having them believe they are the problem, their love isn’t enough, they don’t know how to be a good friend, or even they’re the reason for your pain and misery. They carry our hurt forward with them, growing a tree of misery within them from the seed we planted without even knowing or realizing the damage which would ensue. The most unfortunate part of planting the seed is, even when you realize you were wrong, no amount of apologizing from you can uproot their tree, it’s something they truly have to deal with themselves, they have to find their strength and confidence and more times than not, they don’t, they go forward planting seeds in others. This is a vicious cycle we’re all spinning in.
Everyone has a seed or few which have been planted over the course of our lives and they’re affecting every aspect of our daily lives, it’s not truly who we are at our core. It is necessary to do some serious soul searching and self-evaluation and be who we truly are. One way I began dealing with my seed was by doing something I had read about Tyler Perry doing, I wrote a letter to my 5 year old self, assuring her she would be okay and wrote about things which had transpired thru the course of our life up to present day. Honey, when I tell you I didn’t realize how much I had truly been thru and endured?! It was A LOT but I found my seeds and began dealing with the roots and branches of my tree. Finding the seeds and writing about my experiences, I’ve learned a lot about the people who planted them, I don’t blame them, I actually understand them more and realize they were hurting too, I forgive and pray for them to find some sort of peace and closure to heal from their pain.
Many don’t realize how we’re blocking all the good blessings that await us on the other side of that pain, feelings of unworthiness, anger, and hurt. It’s time to walk in your destiny. Get yourself a pen and some paper (or use your computer to type it), begin that letter to your 5 year old self, use your experience and words as the shovel to uproot that tree and begin to heal. You can’t start at the branches because they are just an extension of the main issue. I have faith in you, if I can do this, anyone can. You will begin to see and understand things differently and be more conscious of, not only your seeds but, the seeds you plant in others. Your whole outlook will change for the better because you will begin planting seeds of good, helping the trees rooted in your loved ones flourish with beautiful green leaves in a field of sunshine instead of a dark, dismal, dead tree in the middle of nowhere, be the leaves on their tree not the disease which causes it to rot.