Month: March 2017

Have you ever met someone and they just seem angry at the world? You watch this person and usually label them a jerk or asshole because they seem so very cold and emotionless. Sometimes you’ll try to get to know them to understand what made them view the world with such disdain and other times you just stay out of their way. One of my favorite sayings is: You know my name but you don’t know my story. You could know someone all your life and never know their true darkness and what caused it. As humans, we tend to bury the traumas we experience in life, believing if we don’t acknowledge them, they never existed and, therefore, can’t damage us. The unfortunate truth is the experiences we don’t deal with or even acknowledge are the ones which cause the most damage to our psyches, spirits and souls, preventing us from ever being able to experience pure, unadulterated joy and happiness.

Everyone handles traumatic experiences differently, some work themselves nearly to death to avoid any down time to think about it while others try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs. When you’ve experienced a heartbreak, you’re leery of ever letting anyone near your heart again for fear it will happen all over again. In responding to and nurturing your fear, you tend to spend a lot of time alone or in unfulfilling relationships and wondering why you can’t find and sustain true love. Well, you can’t find or sustain it because you’re not allowing yourself to actually feel anything or let anyone in, love can’t penetrate a closed heart. Heartbreak is one thing which damages us and something each and every one of us has dealt with at some point in our lives and we all handle it differently. When a heart is broken by someone you trusted and loved with your all, some will cry and be sad for an unusually long extended period of time, swearing they’ll never let anyone that close to them again. Others will go from person to person with the intentions of never getting attached again. In either situation, you’re still hurting, sad and quite lonely.

While heartbreak is something we’ve all experienced, there are traumas most of us are fortunate to never have dealt with or witnessed, therefore, we will never fully understand the damage and pain it causes another person. I feel safe in saying most of us have never seen our best friend’s head blown off or a pregnant woman’s stomach cut open and her baby stolen while she lay bleeding to death in a dirty alley. While we’ve all been betrayed by someone we trusted, most haven’t endured being raped and abused by someone we thought we could trust.  Our traumas carry with them a sense of guilt. Example: you and your best friend are in a car accident, they die and you walk away with scrapes and bruises, you feel guilty that you lived and they didn’t. Being in an abusive relationship carries with it the guilt because you feel your actions or smart mouth is the trigger for their violence towards you. An experience such as violence in your presence against a loved one can’t be drunk or smoked away, it actually has to be dealt with and that usually involves some couch time.

The reality is we all grew up with different home lives and life styles. The guy in high school who always had on the flyest gear may have gone to bed hungry every night. The guy with the hottest car on the parking lot has to look over his shoulder at all times because he’s in the drug game and there are those who want what he has. The shy girl who kept to herself could have been being emotionally abused and told she’d never amount to anything by her parents and, therefore, she believes it’s how everyone views her. The bully who picked on those they felt were weak may not have had a permanent place to lay their head each night and bounced from couch to couch just to have a roof over their heads because their parents kicked them out. The straight A student who was an uptight brown noser to all the teachers could have been the child of a crack head and swore they’d never end up like their parent. The female who slept around may have been molested at a young age by a family member and feels that’s all she has to offer and the only way to show love.

We are all guilty of judging someone from what we see on the outside and our personal judgements cause us to not want to get to know them or even care about them. As humans, we tend to not talk about the negative things transpiring in our lives because we deem them to be shameful. Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone thru a transformation and have opened up a lot and share some of my most painful secrets with those I love and trust. My biggest hurdle has been to be vulnerable with others, I always thought it made me look weak but have since come to learn and appreciate it shows my strength. It frustrates me that I am judged on my appearance and people don’t take the time to know who I am at my core but I’ve been guilty of doing the same to others. I can proudly say I am no longer that judgmental person, I view every person as a story and know that what I see is only the cover. Due to the numerous chapters in our lives, we are all hurting in some form or another and to be judged by someone who hasn’t taken the time to try to know and understand us only causes more pain.

The children who suffered some form of abuse, anguish, or trauma growing up are the adults we deal with on a regular basis. The bully from high school is still a bully as an adult, they could be the jerk of a boss who uses their authority to make others feel small just to satisfy their ego. The female who was promiscuous in high school has never found love, only a long line of sexual partners and is still offering what’s between her legs as love. The straight A student was so blinded by not being her drug addicted parent she never lived life and focused solely on success. Sure she may have a fat bank account and everything materialistic she could ever want but she’s empty inside. The drug dealer may not have made it out of his 20’s alive and if he did, he’s spent some time being a resident of the state in a cell. The girl who felt as though she were the ugly duckling grew up and learned how to do her make-up and hair and is now a mean girl in her 50’s, judging every female she passes due to her own insecurities. These people may have biologically aged but they never grew or matured and are stuck in the saddest period of their lives.

I say it all the time and I’ll continue to say it: No one is perfect, we all have flaws and a story darker than most can handle even hearing about. One facet of being grown is being vulnerable and sharing your experiences with someone you trust, no matter how dark and twisted it may seem to you. When you share with the right person, they won’t judge nor condemn you, they’ll listen and sometimes that’s all we need, a listening ear, open heart, shoulder to cry on, understanding and forgiving embrace. We have all been thru things in our lives which should have killed us but we are still here, there is a purpose on our lives. Your experiences don’t who you are, just because they happened to you doesn’t make them who you are. If you feel you can’t talk to anyone about what you’ve been thru, grab a pen and some paper and write about it, trust me, it’s very cathartic and you’ll feel that weight lift off your spirit.

Today is National Women’s Day and each and every one of us chose to celebrate/commemorate the way which suited us individually. There were scores of women teachers who took the day off to show the impact their absence would have on the school system. This action caused multiple school districts to close to avoid mass confusion. This action also got a rise out of a lot of people who didn’t support them and their actions. The purpose of this day has been lost somewhere along the way and this year it seems to be blamed on the new administration. Don’t worry, this post is not going to be political, I don’t write about nor do I discuss politics, not my thing. This is all about glorifying all that a woman is, embodies and has to offer the world and those around her.

I am a strong, proud Black woman but my strength doesn’t come only from my ethnicity, yes, it is a big part of it but not all of it. I come from a long line of strong women and it wasn’t until I got older did I know, understand and appreciate their strengths. If you’ve never had the pleasure of sitting down and talking and listening to the older generation of women in your family, I highly suggest taking time out of your busy schedule to do so while you still have the opportunity. They are a wealth of knowledge and stories which would have you sitting in silence and awe at the life they’ve lived. Some of their stories are filled with wisdom and others are filled with humor. We’ve lost focus of the struggles older generations have had to endure so we are able to live the lives we do in this era. Unfortunately, I don’t have many with whom I can do this with anymore but I took the time when they were here to ask questions and listen. My Grannie was a single mother who worked multiple jobs to ensure her family had a roof over their heads and food on the table. It wasn’t until she was gone did I learn of her true strength and character. My Nana was a homemaker who raised her 4 children while her husband worked in the school system as a career. They were 2 totally different women but had strengths which were immeasurable and did it all without complaint.

When I was growing up, I admired my mother so much because she represented the epitome of what a classy lady should be at all times. She always looked put together perfectly, no matter if she was going to work or the grocery store. She never had a hair out of place, crust in her eyes or raggedy clothes on, she represented herself well with her speech and manners and I strived to be just like her. My mother has been thru so very much in her life and she did it all without complaint at any point. I rarely have ever seen my mother cry, even in the hardest moments and situations, she kept her head held high and handled it with more dignity and grace than I could fathom. She made sacrifices for me and my sister as a single mom without blinking an eye, it was just something she was determined to do, no matter the situation.

I may be a single mother now but I haven’t always been but my sister has been one from the moment my nephew was born. Even though her son’s father is very active in his life, she was the primary care for him on a regular basis. Next to my mother, my sister is the strongest woman I know and I wouldn’t be who or how I am had it not been for her. I have watched my sister struggle with everything life could throw at her but she forged thru it with determination to win at all costs. I always felt inferior to her and her strength, never believing I could ever be half the woman she was. I am so truly blessed she is my sister, friend, hero and biggest fan ~ Love you Sisser!

It’s true that it’s not always easy being a woman, sometimes it absolutely seems to suck but I’d never want to be a man. As a woman, I am able to cry when I am hurting or scared and not thought less of or weak for doing so, being able to show emotions when they arise is invaluable.  There are females who desire to be equal to men in every facet of their daily lives, not me! Although I am fully capable, I have no desire to cut the grass or change the oil in a vehicle. There are those who would never believe I actually do know how to do those things but my daddy made absolutely sure I had this knowledge even though he knew I’d probably never use it. You can’t tell by looking at my vehicle right now but I know how to wash and wax a car better than most men, again, thanks to my daddy.

Take a moment and think about the wonderfulness which is WOMAN: she grows life within her body, endures the swollen body parts, an ever growing belly, heartburn, blood pressure concerns, hours of pain and sometimes being cut to bring forth a human being and she does it willingly. No matter how crappy she may feel, she pushes thru and makes sure her family is taken care of at all times unless she physically can’t move. She spends many sleepless nights ensuring her babies are okay, whether it be bad dreams or sickness; she doesn’t close her eyes until she knows they’re at peace. A woman is a man’s backbone, encouraging and guiding him in his times of weakness and attacks from others. As a woman, although it will break our hearts to tell our children No or discipline them, we do it to make them better human beings. I, personally, have disciplined my girls and retreated to my room so they couldn’t see me crying because it was hard to see the disappointment on their faces. A woman will get up at the crack of dawn, prepare herself and family for their day, endure a usually horrible commute, put up with a job which makes her miserable, repeat the commute to come home, cook dinner and check homework when she gets home, ensure her children are clean and put to bed and then get herself ready for bed to get up and do it all over again in less than 6 hours. Your co-worker may not be able to have children but dedicates her time to foster children as a way to give that motherly love to those who aren’t fortunate to have their own mothers.

The strength of a woman is something you could never measure because you don’t know all she endures on a regular basis. The woman you sit next to on the bus could be a victim of rape and abuse but she doesn’t broadcast it because it doesn’t define who she is as person. Your co-worker may not have eaten dinner last night because there just wasn’t enough food to feed her children and herself but she’d never mention it because that’s just what a woman does, she provides and ensures those around her are taken care of first. As a woman, we will put our own troubles aside to be there for a loved one in their time of need. There is nothing you can compare the true genuineness and strength of a woman’s heart, it gets broken beyond recognition but she still loves as though it’s never been damaged. When we are hurting, sad, or scared, nothing feels better than a loving embrace from a woman in our lives, it magically takes the pain and fear away.

No woman is perfect, we all have flaws of some sort but that’s what makes us fabulously unique in every form and fashion. We come in all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities but we all share a common bond of womanhood. I believe once we embrace the differences within each other instead of criticizing them, we will all come together as one. No woman is another woman’s competition, she is her sister and friend. We are not bitches and hoes, we are queens and divas. Let’s raise our glasses and toast to all of our fandamntasticness and continue to support and encourage one another in every area of our lives while raising our daughters with our values. Love you, Ladies!

 

Your life is going smoothly, you feel like everything has finally lined up the way it’s supposed to be, life is GREAT! You have a job you love which affords you the luxuries and lifestyle you desire and your children are doing quite well in school, you’ve even found someone to spend your life with. As you are enjoying every aspect of your life, there’s a crash in the market and you get laid off! Oh no! It’s okay, don’t worry, you are very skilled, experienced and talented, you’ll find another job in no time. That time takes longer than you’d like and now your once stable finances are depleted to support your household. You start stressing because life is beginning to suck big time but you try to remain positive because you still have your family. While you’re struggling trying to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table, one of your children gets suspended for fighting and the other one brings home terrible grades. With everything you have going on, you see the true colors of the person you thought would be there forever, you’re now fighting and arguing all of the time which puts even more stress on you. Before you know it, you’re unemployed with mounting bills trying to deal with the issues of your children and your relationship is dying a horrible death. You actually say out loud “Really world, REALLY? What ELSE could go wrong”? Well, ask you shall receive, BOOM, you lose a loved one!

Here’s how GOD and the universe work with you, yes with you, they are never against you. When you ask a question such as “What else could go wrong”? they see that as a wish of sorts, you want to know how much worse life can get and they do whatever they can to grant your wish. Yes, I understand no one wants to go further into the darkness but it’s all in what you say and how you say it. I’ve learned over the last couple of years not to ask about what could go wrong, that’s not my goal, my goal is for things to constantly improve. I have changed my wording to “How does it get better than this”? when something good happens in my life. It doesn’t have to be anything major in your life, if you are running late but you’re catching all the green lights, ask them “How does it get better than this”? and watch how things line up to get you there in time. If your children get good grades, ask and watch them continue to thrive. It’s all about wording and mindset of how your life goes…………………. #choices.

When it feels like we’re sitting in the pits of hell, our first instinct is to seclude ourselves, distancing ourselves from any and everyone who cares about us. The reasons we choose seclusion vary just as much as we do as individuals but here are the 2 main ones I have for myself: 1. I feel like a failure for not being able to support my family which carries shame and 2. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my issues because I know they are going through things in their own lives. I have learned this is a very selfish way to be due to the fact that those who care about you want to be there for you. You feel like this is your hell but, believe me, you’ll emerge quicker from the darkness with the help of others. Leaning on others during your darkest moments doesn’t make you weak, it actually shows your strength to be vulnerable and trusting. The help they provide varies just as much as the situation, some will be there financially while others are the shoulder you need to cry on.

When we love and truly care about someone, it hurts us to see them struggling and hurting and we’ll do anything we can to help them out of it. We don’t realize how selfish we are being when we shut someone out, it makes them feel rejected in a way you won’t understand until it happens to you. I consider myself to be a very nurturing person and sometimes the need to make sure someone I care about feels better comes across as pushy and invasive. I have learned that you need to give certain people some time on their own to figure things out, if you push too hard, they end up resenting and getting angry with you. It’s funny how we insist on being there for others but won’t let anyone near us in our time of need.

When we’re sitting in that pit of hell, feeling the flames of shame and depression burning around us, we can’t see any light because we’re stuck in our own heads, replaying what went wrong in every situation, even going back decades and thinking “If I had chosen that path at that time, I wouldn’t be here now”. The reality is, everything you are going through in life is supposed to happen the way it does to grow you into the person you are destined to be; you have to go thru it in order to grow thru it. I have been very fortunate to have people in my life who have given me a short time to sit on the pity pot and have my time to stew but it’s not a long time. They know if I’m left alone for too long, it’ll be harder to help me recover, I believe I have 24 hours at which point the phone calls commence. I’ve also been blessed to have people in my life who won’t let me push them away because they know I need them in my life during the hardest periods. Case in point, when it nears either the anniversary of my father’s passing or his birthday, I tell people I’ll be MIA for about a week to deal with my emotions but I have a couple of friends who told me, “No, not this year. We will not allow you to be alone and hurting, you have us”. I’m not going to lie, I tried hard to stay to myself but they made sure I wasn’t sad and alone. They made sure we were together as much as possible and allowed me to talk about him and cry if I needed but they were there for me and it meant so much to me. This is a perfect example of how we don’t fully understand the impact our simple gestures have on those we care about.

We are all going to go thru things in life, I get it, shit happens, there’s no way to avoid it but there are different ways to handle it. We all have a Phoenix within us who rises from the flames of hell only to come out cleaner and stronger than when we went in. You’ve been in the deepest depths of hell before but look at you now! You’re not the same person you were when you went in, you’ve learned and grown from the experiences. If you feel as though you’re repeating the same cycle over and over again, chances are you haven’t grown or learned from your experiences and it’s time to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you can’t keep a job in a certain field, it might be due to that not being the field you’re destined for, explore your passion and see where it takes you. If you can’t maintain a steady, successful relationship, maybe it’s the choice in the type of person you’re insistent on choosing which isn’t the person destined for you. Just because we are given free will doesn’t mean our choices don’t have consequences.  

When we are still, we will hear GOD and the universe speaking to us but some of us only hear or understand what we want and not what’s truly being told to us. We could be torn between 2 people to spend our lives with and are told, “Let them go”. In actuality, we hear, “Let go of the one whose love for you scares you” and cling to the one who seems easier and, guess what? You’re still not happy. We pray about our job and are shown other avenues but are too afraid of uncertainty that we stay in the job which brings us no joy and doesn’t grow us, we’re miserable but we have a paycheck, right? What makes you think if you followed your heart, GOD and the universe that you wouldn’t be happy? Sometimes the thing which scares you the most is the best thing which will ever happen to you. Happiness and fear can’t reside in the same place, don’t let fear occupy your mind, spirit or heart, you deserve all life has to offer.