As I sit here on Christmas morning, awake since around 5 am, I have had plenty of time to reflect on the true meaning of this ‘holiday’. To say this past year has totally humbled me would be an absolute understatement. In my humbling, I’ve come to see people for who and how they truly are, the blinders and rose colored glasses were snatched off my face with quite a bit of aggression because I refused to remove them myself. The one, well two, bright spots in my life are still sleeping and they are truly my reason for living.
Every year, people rush around, being rude and aggressive, going into debt to find the perfect, most expensive gift they can for those they love because they believe that’s how they show how much they care. 
Ummmm, no. I’ve never been the type to buy just to buy for another person, I always bought to bring a smile to their face with them receiving what they truly desired. Now, it hasn’t always been very expensive due to the fact I’m very fragile, I don’t buy anything that isn’t on sale, it feels wrong to pay full price somehow. What’s always mattered to me has been seeing them open gifts and their eyes light up over a funny t-shirt of their favorite Barbie® doll or even a 5-pack of cheesy lip balm. When it comes to people outside of my children, I buy the same way, to touch their spirit and that’s something you can’t put a price tag on.
I will openly own and admit this has been a tough year for me but what has made it easier are those 2 angels who call me Mommie. I am beyond blessed that, no matter any outside influences, I don’t have materialistic, label demanding children who are happier with a $5 Barbie® doll than the $25 one in fancier packaging. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve never bought them off-brand Barbie® because those are extremely cheaply made with the hollow arms and unbendable legs but they do have less expensive ones out there that won’t hit your pocket so hard.
I’ve learned, thru watching my daughters, buying them any and everything they want doesn’t make them want to be around you any more than if you bought them nothing. My children know and understand who people truly are and, even if they don’t care for you, they’ll never be disrespectful or even let you know they don’t care for you, only I am privy to that information. Now, don’t get me wrong, one of them will always go to the store with certain people because they know they’ll get whatever they want and the other will stay at home on her computer and not ask for anything. The one who rushes to tag along does so, not just to get candy and snacks but, to get out of the house and not necessarily because you’re a such fandamntastic person.
When I had to have the very hard conversation with my girls that this Christmas would be very light, they touched my heart and spirit so much it brought tears to my eyes because they said, “That’s okay, Mommie, we didn’t even ask you for anything. We just want to wake up with you on Christmas”. Again, I ask, what did I do so great in my life to be blessed with these 2 angels? 
This parenting and adulting shit is HARD but when you have daughters such as mine, it becomes a little easier to wake up and strive to do and be better for them because they truly deserve nothing but the best.
Being a single parent and having to share holidays with the other half of their beginning is hard. I remember and cherish the days when we’d all wake up in the same house, open gifts, cook breakfast and then get dressed to hit the houses of loved ones but that’s no longer our lives. I embrace the change because it has revealed what really matters most and that’s quality time spent. It’s not about the pile of overpriced gifts under the tree which will soon enough be physically lost or have lost their appeal within a few months, those material items aren’t what matters as your children get older.
This is only one day, one frickin’ day of the year, and shouldn’t be the only time you show your loved ones you care because you’re supposed to be doing it the other 364 as well. If you haven’t been embracing your loved ones all year long, why start now? If you stay focused on this one day, what happens on the 26th? Do you just go back to doing you and relieved you have another 364 days to do for yourself? Some of us look forward to the holidays because we live states away and can’t wait for the reunions with our family but why does it have to be centered on a commercialized ‘holiday’? Why not take time off work in March or August just to hang out with them? When you wait a year, much has happened in both of your lives and some of our loved ones may not be here to celebrate a certain holiday the next year. Take it from someone who’s lost half of their beginning, every day is a special day with the ones you love. It doesn’t matter if you’re just sitting on the couch watching football or some crime show, that’s quality time spent with your loved one you’ll never get back. 
Yes, with my sister now living states away from me, I understand travel can be expensive but trust and believe me when I tell you, it costs less when it’s just an ‘average’ time of year to travel.
If you have the money to spend on some expensive sneakers or the latest game system, do it but only if it’s what they truly desire and will make their soul smile. Don’t lavish your loved ones with expensive gifts if you haven’t taken the time to sit down and get to know them on a deep and personal level the rest of the year. When our children are all grown up with careers and children of their own, the things which will stay in their minds and hearts are the memories of Christmas Eve rituals of baking cookies and getting new jammies. 
They won’t remember how you went into debt to get them the flyest gear and game systems if the simple things weren’t done. I don’t know about you but I want my children to carry forth the simple, and some might call corny, things I enjoy doing with them such as playing board games while eating pizza or baking cookies the night before or decorating the trees as a family. When my father passed, I lost my Christmas spirit and it was hard for me to put up a tree but it means so much to my girls that they took over and put our trees up for me as a surprise and to make things easier on and for me. When I couldn’t, they picked up the Christmas spirit and helped me continue our traditions because it was what they looked forward to. 
These are the traditions they will carry on with their children because I’ve carried the forward with mine from my parents. I say it all the time and will continue to say it, “It’s the little things which matter most”.
I’ve been blessed to have angels placed in my life and give birth to two. One of my angels happens to be my best friend. Regardless of the trials and tribulations we’ve experienced, she’s always been there for me, even if we’re beefing she checks on me and the girls. She, too, is a single mom and has opened her home for those of us without family members, who are close, on Christmas day to have spirited beverages, more food than we can eat, and fellowship with others. 
This is why she is my best friend: no matter how much I may want to sit in my house and wallow in sorrow that I don’t have my girls for the remainder of the day, she’s told me I’ll be there even if she has to come and get me herself. She loves genuinely from her heart of gold and I’m blessed to have such a kind, loving, blunt person in my life who won’t let me feel lonely on Christmas.
Well, my girls have each already half waken up, come to give me my Christmas hug and gone back to bed. I guess it’s time for me to brew some coffee, get breakfast prepped and gather some porn clips to share with those who are going to insists on including me on a group text at some point today. 
Y’all have a Merry Christmas, kiss those babies, continue those traditions and know each and every day is a reason to celebrate life, love, family, and happiness with the understanding that none of those come with a price tag because they are priceless and irreplaceable. 
When you go to them with your troubles, they see it as the perfect opportunity to advise you to not be the bigger person, they may even bad mouth your Boo and have you believing they actually aren’t any good for you. We’ve all heard the term Misery Loves Company and this is a perfect example of it. Unfortunately, you won’t realize how they’ve swayed you until it’s too late and you’ve ended your relationship. I was speaking to a friend today and she stated that some people don’t even know their thoughts aren’t their own until those influences are no longer present. The influence is different for each person, for you? It could be your mother/father, for another person it could be their best friend. Please don’t get me wrong, more times than not, they don’t even know they are causing harm, they believe they’re advising you in the direction which is best for you but it’s not, it’s what they feel is best, period.
I know, the first thing you’re saying is this is a juvenile way to handle grown up relationships but it doesn’t stop it from happening. Too many times, we’re too full of pride to actually open our mouths and admit there may be a problem so, we stew and create. When you have no outside input, you have no one to believe but yourself and tend to convince yourself that imaginary situations are facts no matter how much proof is provided to dispute it. Again, another relationship up in flames and down the toilet but this time it’s because you thought you knew everything and refused to accept anything other than what’s in your mind.
When I told him what happened, I became involved in the crime as a witness. When I shared this with my mother, she was angry at me and my father because I instantly became a target but I couldn’t get mad at him because he was only doing his job and I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me, he was still my protector. My mother asked me why I didn’t tell my grandfather and I was confused until she broke it down: telling my grandfather would have relieved me of holding this secret with the surety it wouldn’t go any further than him. Again, I was young, scared and didn’t know any better. The fact that I’m still here and sharing this information with you is proof I’m okay but it’s not to say my life wasn’t altered for a few years. I say all this to say that my instinct and knee jerk reaction was to go to the person closest to me, the one I believed would hold my secret with understanding but I didn’t take the time to factor in his responsibility.
In those times, we don’t always take the time to think about their motives when we share our internal shit with them, never realizing they’re going to use that information to their advantage and not ours. Sometimes, the person who is able to hold your secret and give you unbiased advice or words of encouragement are the people who are least close to you. You know that ‘associate’ you see at networking functions or that co-worker you chit chat with every now and then? Those tend to be the ones you can count on because they are not personally invested in your life or the outcome of your relationship, they’ve nothing to gain or lose with by honest on how they see things from the outside looking in.
One way that I’ve come to learn and appreciate releasing my thoughts and gaining clarity is to write because thru writing, you’re able to get out and see your emotions and the situations from a different perspective. 
I’ve actually sat down to pen a letter to someone and, in the beginning, it was filled with anger and pisstivity but by the time I got to the 2nd page, I began owning my part in the problem. There are so many letters I have written to others who’ve never seen or even know they exist, it was something I had to do for myself. Whichever route you decide to take, my hope for you is that it brings a peace to your soul and life.