One thing which I have come to learn over time, and even more so recently, is how crucial self-acceptance and preservation truly are to one’s overall functioning and being. Yeah, I get it, shit happens in life and it tends to knock us off track and lose focus of who we truly are. When things happen in our lives which take us off track, we tend to do 1 of 2 things: confide in/seek advice from others or try to figure it out on our own. Surprisingly, both of those have adverse effects on the outcome of our personal situations no matter how good of a friend/confidante we confide in or how thorough we believe our own logic may be.
When life happens, i.e. lose a job, relationship ends, family issues, etc., it tends to take a tremendous toll on our soul and psyche. For most of us, the first thing we do is turn to someone for words of comfort and advice, fully believing this person has our best interests at heart. Sadly to say, not every ear is a listening ear for comfort, some of those ears are only open to sway you in the direction they want you to go. Here’s an example for you: you and your Boo are having difficulties in your relationship and you go to your best friend with those issues because they’ve been there from the very beginning and are understanding of your wants and needs. This friend may actually be a true friend but they’ve heard all the good things happening, seeing you find love and being successful in your career while they’re stuck in a relationship with someone they don’t even like and a dead end job with no future prospects of anything better. 
When you go to them with your troubles, they see it as the perfect opportunity to advise you to not be the bigger person, they may even bad mouth your Boo and have you believing they actually aren’t any good for you. We’ve all heard the term Misery Loves Company and this is a perfect example of it. Unfortunately, you won’t realize how they’ve swayed you until it’s too late and you’ve ended your relationship. I was speaking to a friend today and she stated that some people don’t even know their thoughts aren’t their own until those influences are no longer present. The influence is different for each person, for you? It could be your mother/father, for another person it could be their best friend. Please don’t get me wrong, more times than not, they don’t even know they are causing harm, they believe they’re advising you in the direction which is best for you but it’s not, it’s what they feel is best, period.
For those of us who believe we are the end all be all for our issues, this can mess you up as well because you have no other perspective than your own. The problem with trying to solve everything on your own is you create ridiculous scenarios within your own mind which can negatively affect the outcome. Here’s a scenario to help give you clarity on where I’m going with this: you hear something about your Boo but instead of taking it to them to have a discussion, you sit and stew, creating different scenarios within your mind and, by the time you take it to them, you’re already pissed and convinced they did things which never actually occurred.
I know, the first thing you’re saying is this is a juvenile way to handle grown up relationships but it doesn’t stop it from happening. Too many times, we’re too full of pride to actually open our mouths and admit there may be a problem so, we stew and create. When you have no outside input, you have no one to believe but yourself and tend to convince yourself that imaginary situations are facts no matter how much proof is provided to dispute it. Again, another relationship up in flames and down the toilet but this time it’s because you thought you knew everything and refused to accept anything other than what’s in your mind.
There was a time when some information regarding a criminal act was shared with me and I just had to tell someone, this was not something I could just sit on because lives were involved. Me, being young and scared, went straight to my daddy because that’s all I saw him as, my father/protector/confidante, I negated the fact he was also an officer of the law and had a duty to uphold and respect. 
When I told him what happened, I became involved in the crime as a witness. When I shared this with my mother, she was angry at me and my father because I instantly became a target but I couldn’t get mad at him because he was only doing his job and I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me, he was still my protector. My mother asked me why I didn’t tell my grandfather and I was confused until she broke it down: telling my grandfather would have relieved me of holding this secret with the surety it wouldn’t go any further than him. Again, I was young, scared and didn’t know any better. The fact that I’m still here and sharing this information with you is proof I’m okay but it’s not to say my life wasn’t altered for a few years. I say all this to say that my instinct and knee jerk reaction was to go to the person closest to me, the one I believed would hold my secret with understanding but I didn’t take the time to factor in his responsibility.
There will be times when it feels like life is dragging you thru the depths of hell without relentlessness and you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to vent to. 
In those times, we don’t always take the time to think about their motives when we share our internal shit with them, never realizing they’re going to use that information to their advantage and not ours. Sometimes, the person who is able to hold your secret and give you unbiased advice or words of encouragement are the people who are least close to you. You know that ‘associate’ you see at networking functions or that co-worker you chit chat with every now and then? Those tend to be the ones you can count on because they are not personally invested in your life or the outcome of your relationship, they’ve nothing to gain or lose with by honest on how they see things from the outside looking in.
I’m not saying any of this to sway you one way or another on who to talk to, ultimately, that’s your choice in life. I say this in a cautionary fashion to help you understand everyone is not for your happiness, they’re selfishly for themselves and that no one can successfully solve every issue by themselves. I’m saying all of this because I’ve experienced it from all sides and been screwed sometimes and successful others. I’ve also learned that trying to figure out situations which involve others by myself never work because it doesn’t just concern me and I’m no longer that selfish. There have been times I know I’ve possibly irritated people because I want to talk about what’s on my mind regarding our relationship but how would anything get solved if I held my feelings in? Exactly, it wouldn’t.
Take the time to know who you’re talking to about your personal affairs, just because you have their best interest at heart doesn’t mean they have yours. When I was going thru a break up, I was advised to talk to GOD about everything and, I’ll admit, I felt better but that doesn’t work for everyone. I’m not one to sit here and Bible beat anyone, your relationship with GOD or your GOD is just that, yours and you handle it accordingly. 
One way that I’ve come to learn and appreciate releasing my thoughts and gaining clarity is to write because thru writing, you’re able to get out and see your emotions and the situations from a different perspective. 
I’ve actually sat down to pen a letter to someone and, in the beginning, it was filled with anger and pisstivity but by the time I got to the 2nd page, I began owning my part in the problem. There are so many letters I have written to others who’ve never seen or even know they exist, it was something I had to do for myself. Whichever route you decide to take, my hope for you is that it brings a peace to your soul and life.
Awesome read and great perspective on this matter.