Me Too

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This past weekend marked the 1 year anniversary of the Women’s March in major cities of the US and was done so by more marches, rallies and gatherings of women in support of one another. Both years, women from all over the world rallied to embrace what it means to be a woman and how wonderful our gender truly is. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re 15 or 75, Black, White, Asian, Latina, etc., you’re supported by your entire gender, we’ve got your back. This year’s rally was just as empowering, there were speeches which touched my sou, especially the one by Halsey. Check it out:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpq8pHLhdV0

Her poem held so much pain, passion, and conviction detailing incidents which happened to her as well as her close friends and I could relate to some of the things which happened to them, that’s an unfortunate connection. In October 2017, we were introduced to the #MeToo movement. This movement was astonishing to say the very least and continues to gain momentum, veracity and, unfortunately, more members with each passing moment. #MeToo spread virally as a two word hashtag on social media to help demonstrate the widespread prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, both in the workplace and social life. This phrase is used to help survivors realize they are not alone. Once we began to speak our truth of things which had happened to us, it gave others courage to share their experiences as well which birthed a massive movement and slew of sexual harassment allegations in our world of entertainment. The sad part is, the allegations weren’t given media attention nor did they spawn a movement when it happened to Katie who worked in the copy area of Kinko’s. This has been happening for decades but it wasn’t until the rich and famous spoke out has something been done to bring attention to the severity of it.I can’t lie and say I don’t feel some kind of way about that but I’m also happy it’s finally being taken seriously and attention is being given to it.

For me, #MeToo were 2 of the hardest words I’ve ever typed in my life. It was hard for me because I had been made to feel shame for what happened to me or that it wasn’t that big of a deal, I was ‘just overreacting’. I was silenced about what happened to me because someone I trusted convinced to stay quiet to spare my offender’s reputation or having this same person believe my assailant over me because he told her his side first and said I’d call and lie on him. Being a private person, I hesitated because I didn’t want people to look at me differently but then I realized that if I didn’t come forward, others might not either, all it takes is that one familiar face to give you comfort and strength to speak your truth. In the era which I grew up, date rape was a relatively new term and wasn’t considered actual rape and definitely not taken seriously because you voluntarily went somewhere with this person whom you knew, it wasn’t some scary guy who jumped out from behind a bush with a ski mask on, wrestling you to the ground at gun or knife point and violating you. No, this is someone you’ve had conversations and shared with, someone whom you’ve actually gone out with before, a person none of their family or friends would believe was capable of forcing you to have sex with them all because that’s how they wanted the date to end. The people who try to silence you may not even realize how offensive they are being when they ask you not to say anything but it’s never okay to ask someone to remain silent when they’ve been violated, I don’t give a shit WHO the assailant is! If they have made you feel uncomfortable and violated you? Speak your truth, don’t let someone convince you that your dignity and self-respect is worth less than that piece of shit’s reputation because they will only go on to do it to others. Speaking up gives you the power to stop this with you. If this were not such a taboo subject to speak about, I’m sure we’d all learn a lot about our female family members and be saddened by how many are also able to say #MeToo. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the women in my family would allow themselves to be that vulnerable and will take that pain to their graves but not me, I’m here to help others with my truth and experiences.

Being a female working in male dominated corporate America, I’ve had my share of sexual harassment as well. Due to how I was handled when I did the right thing and reported it to human resources, I never spoke up again, I was silenced by their lack of discretion and confidentiality. The way they handled my allegations caused me to never be able to trust another human resources department wherever I worked. Unbeknownst to me, the director was buddies with my boss, everything I detailed in confidence was shared with my boss before I could make it back to my desk. Due to the lack of discretion shown by the HR director, it immediately became a miserable place to work, comments both directly and indirectly were verbalized about me such as, “Oh, don’t look at her, she’ll get you written up for sexual harassment” or “It’s okay to touch her if she’s having a good day but I touched her when she was PMS’ing” or “You don’t have to worry about me asking you for shit else, you’ve gotten me in enough trouble for something which was innocent”. 

All of this because I didn’t feel comfortable with this man walking behind my desk and massaging my shoulders and when I asked him to stop, he said, “That’s not what you were saying last night” and now I’m the bad person for speaking up. Funny how that works out isn’t it? The victim is now the overly sensitive tattle tale and made to feel as though they are wrong for speaking up.

Listening to the advice of someone who wasn’t forced to have sex, give head or be touched inappropriately is a sure way to feel worse about the situation because they are unable to empathize with you. They don’t know what it was like to repeatedly say NO and still have this person pawing at you, getting more and more aggressive with each attempt until you could no longer say No because he has penetrated you! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to have to in the car with the same person who didn’t even respect you enough to put a condom on and came inside of you, putting you at risk for STDs and a possible unwanted pregnancy! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to be dropped off in front of your house as though nothing out of the norm transpired, your assailant feels they’ve done nothing wrong while you are dying on the inside! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to feel worthless and only wanted for what’s between your legs and then disposed of when it’s taken against your will! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to feel as though you can’t scrub yourself clean enough to get that feeling off of you! They don’t know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep for so many nights you soon lose track! They don’t know what it’s like to feel you have to separate yourself from the activities which once brought you joy because you don’t feel worthy of happiness!! They don’t know the shame and guilt you carry around because you went on a date!! They don’t how dirty and damaged you feel! They don’t understand that just because you don’t have bruises on your body or face doesn’t mean you weren’t raped!! Unless you have been there, you will never understand any of this and how detrimental all of this is to a woman’s psyche, she feels as though she can trust no one from that point on, a wall is now built around her all because one person couldn’t control themselves and respect those 2 simple letters: NO.

There was a case within the last year or so where the judge condemned and questioned the victim of a rape by asking her questions such as “Why would you wear something like that out? You’re only asking for it” and “Why didn’t you just close your legs when he tried to enter you”? Never mind the fact this man had her pinned against a sink in a men’s room and entered her from behind while he had her arms clutched behind her back. This judge let the guy off because the girl had been wearing a skirt and drinking that evening and stated she wanted to get laid and could have easily prevented it if she truly wanted to. What kind of monkey shit is THAT?! In a court of law, the judge blames the rape victim for her rape and lets the guy off scott free?! I guess this is what happens when you elect someone into the most powerful position in the country who believes it’s okay to grab women by the pu**y because I understand everyone is not yet comfortable enough to type #MeToo. For some, it’s too fresh, deep, or personal to share with the world just yet but understand this, if you ever want to share what you’ve been thru, I’m here to listen and keep it to myself because I know how important and what a relief it is to just verbalize it. 

When you talk about it, you take away the hold it has on you and you’re able to have control of your life and begin to finally heal. This hasn’t been a caveman society for centuries now, it’s not okay to club someone over the head or slip a Molly in their drink to get what you want. Be a normal human being and have some patience and earn her most prized possession because if not, you’ll get to see how you look in prison orange and have yourself a new Boo named Bubba.