“Quack Quack”

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“Baby, you just need to be a duck and just let the bullshit roll off your back like water. You take too much to heart and hold on to it with a white knuckled grip. Stop letting stuff that has nothing to do with you affect you” are the words my father always spoke to me which seem to be on a loop in my mind lately. As a parent myself, I now feel his pain in watching his baby girl take everything to heart and how it affected me. Unfortunately, for way too long, I was too stubborn and closed minded to fully understand what he was trying to teach me. I felt that if someone said something negative to or about me, I needed to address and clear it up because, duh, they were talking about me, right? I am sitting here shaking my head with a smile on my face because he was so wise and just trying to help his baby make it thru this life with peace instead of stress. I’m sure my determination to go against those words frustrated the absolute shit out of him but never did it stop him from calmly repeating it to me every time I let someone else’s words and ignorance affect me. I am a highly emotionally sensitive person and used to believe that everything required a reaction from me but have come to learn that’s not true nor is it necessary. Thru my maturing and growth, I’ve come to learn that how others act and what they may say about me speaks about their character, not mine. This has been difficult for me because I was raised to know and understand that your reputation is all you have and worried myself sick when someone would spread lies about me because I believed it tarnished the reputation I fought and struggled to keep clean. Well, I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I’m in the negative on  fucks to give about what anyone says about me because those who know me, know me and, more importantly, I know me. The time finally came to let that shit go.

How many times have you had a discussion with another person and, no matter what you say, they only hear what they want to hear and not actually what you’re saying? I recently had a conversation with someone I used to be close with and learned they were still butt hurt about a discussion we had well over a decade ago. I couldn’t believe I was defending something that I had let go of years ago and holds no merit in either of our lives anymore. It was at this moment, I saw a reflection of my former self and knew at that I had grown up. This person was stuck and this one conversation was continuing to affect their demeanor and they let it ruin otherwise positive aspects of their life. During the discussion, I began to feel sorry for them because they were carrying around this negativity but then I got pissed because they were trying to share that shit with me! Hmph, nah fam, I’m sorry but I don’t live there anymore and immediately returned it to sender. Being who I am, I tried to help them understand they needed to let it go, how it was no longer of importance and learned by their reaction that their letting it go wasn’t my responsibility. We are all responsible for the weight of negativity we carry, no one can lighten that burden and load but the one who carries it. There comes a point in your life when you have to make the conscious decision to avoid and let that shit go so you can live your best life.

Thru my spiritual growth, I’ve come to learn about energy and how everything we think, say and do is made up of it. Here’s a quick example I think everyone will be able to relate to: If you constantly state you’re broke, no matter what you try to do, you never seem to be able to catch a break or keep your head, financially, above water until you change your mindset. I’ve come to learn that what you speak and think is delivered and granted to you because, in a sense, you’ve asked for it, you told the universe and GOD what you wanted and they conspire to give you what you state you want. Yes, it seems so very simple because it is, you determine the direction in which your life progresses or, in some cases, regresses. I speak on dealing with your traumas, trials and tribulations in order to heal them because if you don’t, you’re carrying that negative energy around which is actually a magnet for more negativity. Believe it or not, the same is true about positivity, it’s also a magnet. We’ve all seen and ‘liked’ memes about being positive but how many of us are actually living it? Well, you can tell who does by the way they live their lives. We see people go thru things in life we believe should crush them but they still find a way to smile and bring joy to others and wonder how they do it. I know how they do it! They’re ducks!

I was speaking with someone recently whose words made so many points mentally click at once, I got dizzy. When you hold on to negativity, no matter how much you think you’re hiding it, those who know you at your core can feel it and will begin to distance themselves from you because they don’t want to deal with it. You could have your happily ever after staring you in your face but once they feel the negativity, they back off because they don’t have the space for drama and messiness in their lives anymore.Thru that conversation, I realized that, at one point, my life had begun to resemble a reality shit show and it was still off-putting to someone who means the world to me because I never truly let it go. I thought that just pushing it aside and distancing myself from the drama was enough but I still let the dumb shit get a reaction out of me and that’s not living drama free or letting it go. Finally deciding to actually let it go means anything said or done doesn’t affect my mood or person because it has nothing to do with me. It’s one thing to say you’re not about that life anymore but if you still give it energy, it’s still a part of you. Until you make the conscious effort to let go and rid yourself of the messiness, you’ll continue to push away those who just want to love you for the goodness within you but can’t because it’s shrouded by the shit you haven’t let go of. The love and life I want means more to me than holding on to and worrying myself with others’ actions and mindsets, therefore, just call me Elsa because I’ve let that shit go.

When negativity is brought to you, it’s easy to give into it because you take it personally and in that you feel alone which further causes destruction to your psyche. I recently experienced something which momentarily affected and shut me down until I saw and felt the support and love of those who care about me.  Here I was, all ready to get sucked right back into negativity but the love and support shown to me actually saved me from myself and reminded me that I’m better than what was being thrown at me.

It’s amazing and awe inspiring to me how those who came ready to stand by my side and fight for me have no idea how they saved me when they were just doing what came naturally to them. It was at that point I knew I had become a duck covered in oil and nothing would stick to me. Thru all of the support of people on standby to wreck some shit for lil ol’ me, one person’s words made me remember who the hell I am: she just needs to remain the classy chic she is. That shit isn’t worth her time, anger, or hurt.

I don’t know about you but I am ready to live my best life and have taken the steps to do so. I am 46 years old and, GOD willing, I still have a couple/few decades to experience nothing but the best life has to offer. I understand there will be dark days ahead but I can’t focus on or worry about that because it only takes away from my gift of today. Who I was and everything I have been thru has wonderfully made me who I am today. I will cherish and nurture the woman I am today because the girl of yesterday sacrificed herself for me to be here. Even though he’s no longer physically here, I know my daddy is always watching over me and proud of the duck I have become knowing I’m going to ride this wave of life with nothing but style and grace as the drama, messiness and negativity roll off my back.