My mother became a divorced single mother of 2 by the time I was 6 years old. During this time, I never actually knew how much she struggled to take care of my sister and me, she did whatever it took to make sure we always had a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clean clothes on our backs, and every aspect of our educations were always taken care of even when it meant she had to go without. Did we always get everything we wanted? Hell no, but we always had what we needed and a child’s needs far outweigh their wants. Being a child, I wasn’t privy to the struggles and nastiness which transpired between my parents when it came to going to court in regards to supporting us and I wasn’t supposed to because I was a child.
Unfortunately, I’m coming to learn that everyone isn’t as tactful with their children and feel they should be brought in the middle of grown folx business and that’s never okay because that robs them of their innocence. Being an adult, I hear the horror stories of women who have to endure pure ugliness from their former lover all over needing support for the child/children they mutually created as well as men who are being financially abused by a spiteful female. The fact of the matter is, when money is involved, people tend to lose sight of what really matters: the child/children caught in the middle of their dispute. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, grab that glass of wine, that bottle of beer, or that straight liquor on the rocks because we’re going to talk about a very touchy subject, dun dun dun………………………………………. CHILD SUPPORT!
There seems to be a lot of animosity, bitterness, and hatred surrounding this subject when it should be more understanding and communicating than anything else. I hear the bitching, moaning, groaning and complaining from non-custodial parents who cry about having to share their salary with their exes to support their seeds and that right there is the problem.
They believe they are just giving the other parent money to sit at home and eat bon-bons/play video games all day while their seeds walk around dirty, uneducated and hungry but nothing could be further from the truth.
Let me state this before too many pannies get in a bunch: Yes, there are females out here who have used their wombs as a financial support system but that is not what grown women do. Grown women don’t selfishly bring a child into this world to get a paycheck and sit on her ass while the male worked like a slave without papers; she has a job/career and saw that positive pregnancy test as a blessing to her life, not her bank account. Trust me on this, if a female just wanted you for your money, which most don’t have enough to impress a woman with a job making her own, she would stay with you thru all the abuse, ignorance and infidelity just to spend your money.
Let me also state this: there are quite a few grown ass men who want nothing more than to take care of their seeds but are constantly blocked by a bitter female because he didn’t want to be with her. Unfortunately, there is plenty of abuse of the system and humans on both sides of the coin but what most fail to realize is not everyone is that gold digger or that shiftless father, most just want what’s best for their offspring.
When there is a 2 parent household, there is usually one parent, most times the woman but there are men who carry that role proudly as well, who handles everything child related. They know the feeding schedules, which child likes corn, when there is a field trip because they are the one signing paperwork and sending in the fees, what size clothes and shoes they wear, which child likes what color, whose toy is whose even when they’re identical, UGH the list goes on and on.
When the relationship goes to crap and one parent no longer lives under the same roof as the children, that parent seems to forget what it takes to provide for them on a daily basis. The more unfortunate reality is, most non-custodials have no idea what it takes to raise a child even when they’re under the same roof as the child/children. The older children get, the more expenses you will begin to incur which I am finding out by having 2 teenagers in high school. I remember when the girls were in daycare and I thought the money I was paying, which was equivalent to a mortgage payment, was crazy and high until I started receiving the steady flow of high school field trip forms, money for them to eat on said field trips, advance testing, senior dues, attire for extracurricular activities, gas taking them to and from events, etc., that list goes on and on forever as well. No matter how long the list may get, I will do whatever it takes for the betterment of my daughters because they didn’t ask to be here and shouldn’t have to suffer and go without because I saw some shoes, a purse or dress that I wanted instead. My babies mean more to me than anything materialistic which may catch my eye for a moment.
Where a lot of the misconceptions and disdain stems from is, simply put, bitterness. Now, one’s bitterness could stem from their former lover cheating on them or getting caught cheating one too many times while another’s could be from someone who no longer wanted to endure a type of abuse they suffered at their words or actions and another’s could be from the fact they just doesn’t want you anymore.
Whatever the case may be, the child/children have absolutely nothing to do with it and should not be made to suffer and go without because a relationship didn’t work. No child walking this earth asked to be here, it is our responsibilities as the adults who brought them forth to make their lives as pleasant as we possibly can. There should never be a time when a custodial parent who makes half as much as the non-custodial is shouldered with all the financial responsibilities of raising the child they brought into this world together.
As a society of adults, we have GOT to do better, our children deserve much better. In today’s society, they have way more to deal with than we did growing up. We never knew what it was like to endure and, GOD willing, survive some butt hurt child shooting up our class and killing our peers/friends/teachers. We had the struggles of trying to fit in with this clique or being accepted by this group of our peers but we weren’t bullied so hard that we would rather take our lives than to go to school.
I think we can all agree our children have enough on their plates with trying to get good grades and make it thru school to getting accepted into college to further their education and better themselves, they really don’t need us, their parents, adding our petty issues to their already too full and heavy plates. Is it truly necessary for a child to feel sad or stress themselves over what one parent is going to say about the other when it’s their weekend? Whether we realize it or accept it or not, there are times the child/children would rather not visit the childish parent but do so because they don’t want to hurt their feelings only to come home and just breakdown because it is all just too much. No child should ever carry the burdens of their parents’ failed relationship, it is not their weight to carry, it is ours as the adults and their parents to do our best to never let our children feel that weight.
We, as parents, should be building our children UP and making their lives easier and better than ours may have been, not adding things to their already tumultuous lives with issues that have not one dayum thing to do with them.
I’ve got a question for you: How is that butt hurt parent going to feel when they get the call their child was found hanging from a light fixture? Yes, we had to take it there with the real talk because it happens more than most of us want to admit; just because it’s not your child doesn’t mean it’s not an issue.
We need to grow up and open the lines of communication. HELLOO! We live in a technologically advanced society where we don’t even have to verbally speak with one another; we can send texts, emails, Facebook ® inbox messages, or hell, even leave a Facebook ® voice message! There is no excuse for there to be no type of communication between parents.
I will openly admit and own the fact that I acted irresponsibly and it ended up putting my child in the middle and causing emotional issues within her which is why I am so passionate about this. When you see your baby break down because she is too full of emotions, you do what it takes to rectify the situation. To avoid dealing with the other half of her beginning, I made her the go-between with us and that wasn’t her place or fair to her.
I have since learned and owned the error of my ways and had that conversation with my child that I would do better because she deserves me to be better. It’s time for us to all grow up and remember who this is all about from the beginning: our children. When we don’t get along and drag them thru our shit, we are dirtying their spirits and weighing them down which has the adverse effect on their grades, emotional and mental state, and outlook on life. In a nutshell: PARENT THE HELL UP, your children deserve it!
I would like to give a huge shout out to my sister, Felicia King, who collaborated with me on this post. Even though we are both single mothers, our experiences in the role have been very different but the commonality has and will always be our children and what’s best for them. We invite you to comment and share your feelings and/or experiences, you never know, it may help that one person understand more thoroughly.