Recently, I was approached with the concept of an open marriage! This is so laughable to me because, for those who are unaware, I should be a chubby cherub wearing a diaper and shooting people with heart shaped arrows because I just believe in love that much.
Do I realize my ideals about love and marriage are a little old fashioned in comparison with today’s societal views? Of course I do but that doesn’t stop me from loving love, monogamy and marriage, nothing will ever stop that. Yes, I’ve had my heart broken more than once but I understand love didn’t break my heart, a person who didn’t know how to love me hurt me, therefore, I don’t hold love accountable for that pain. I also realize a lot of people have yet to embrace that concept and hold every person after their failed relationship accountable for their pain instead of healing it on their own. I’ve spoken my peace on side pieces and will now address the ridiculous concept of an open marriage.
When you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, when does it become okay to add people to your relationship? It’s been over 20 years since I said “I do” but I believe the vows you make before GOD, family and friends remain the same: you are to honor, cherish and be committed to the person standing before you at the altar til death do you part.
But, of course, because people are now doing whatever the hell they want, you have spouses with boyfriends and girlfriends, attending swingers parties, and actually dating other people. While I was having the conversation with the person who is so very pro-open marriage, I asked him several times why he was trying to convince me, of all people, on this mockery of something so ideal, he must not know me very well, right? He wanted to try to change my perspective on it, I’ll let you guess how that worked out for him. He tried every avenue possible to get me on the same street as him and say, “Oh, I get it and am now down with it”. Again, this is hilarious to me but I did let him speak his peace to see the underlying issue because I didn’t understand how someone who has been married for 20+ years is now recruiting people for the open marriage lifestyle.
To me, an open marriage is breaking the 7th commandment among other things. Why would you promise to be with one person til death you part but when things aren’t going as smoothly in year 15 as they were in year 1, you opt to see other people? I’ve been married, I’m aware of the shit show it can truly be which is why I am a divorcee’! Marriage is work, it’s a lot of work because you are joining 2 separate individuals to live a life as one, this is not always going to be easy but you made the decision to say “I Do”. I got married relatively young, didn’t know a lot but also knew I wanted my marriage to work, I fell short in some areas as did he and we decided to call it quits because too much damage had taken place to salvage the relationship.
During the turbulent parts of my marriage, at no point did we look at each other and say, “Hey, this is a lil difficult for me right now so, I’m going to go ahead and start seeing other people who will do things for me you no longer do. Oh, but don’t worry, our marriage, finances, home and family will stay intact, I’m just gonna be getting some on the side, ‘kay?”, we stayed and tried our best to work it out with each other. Why not just leave the marriage since you want to live your life as a single person? Dating multiple people is what single people do, not something those who are building a life together partake in. I will say this one more time for those in the back who haven’t caught on: I don’t believe in open marriage. Dealing with one partner and trying to keep them happy while maintaining your own sanity is hard enough and you have people willingly adding more people to an obviously already messed up situation?
I’ve been told that marriage is antiquated and merely a contract you enter into with another person which should be evaluated every few years to see if it should be renewed. If that is the way you view marriage, why even bother affecting someone else’s life? Marriage is not some contract you enter into with contingencies with the option to renew or void if you’re not willing to put in the effort to make it last and work. Marriage is a union you enter into with the person you believe you can’t live without and want to build a family, life and future with and the only renewing which takes place are of the vows you once took to show your continued dedication to this person for eternity. If you believe marriage is a contract, isn’t dating other people a breach of sorts?
If you want to put someone in evaluation status, give them a promise ring while you continue to get to know them and give the real them the opportunity to surface, don’t join finances, business, , bank accounts, or have children and build a life with contingencies to date if you’re not happy with how they keep their side of the bathroom sink. Prior to getting married, there are so many conversations about life which should take place, there will be compromises made on each person’s behalf and, at that point, you decide if they are still “the one” for you. If you don’t want children, don’t marry someone who does and take care of what you need to ~ snip snip
~ ensure you aren’t out here knocking up people unnecessarily. There are compromises in any relationship but children being brought into this world is never one of them, that is messing up human beings for no reason because they can sense when they aren’t truly wanted. If you are a goal driven person, marrying someone who is a free spirit with no life plan could be a recipe for divorce or success because compromises can be made if you’re both willing.
The excuses for not leaving an unhappy marriage are so ridiculous to me because that’s all they are: excuses. I’ve heard “We have too many financial ties, I’d lose too much if we divorced” or “We do what we want and it’s understood” or, the worst “We stay together for our children”. That last one is the worst because you are the role model for your children and this is the example of marriage you’re setting for them? Your children, whom you claim you’re staying in a miserable situation for, see and know mommy and daddy aren’t happy, I don’t care how big of front you try to put on in front of them, they know. When I was married, I struggled with the concept of divorce, felt as though I could do more but I was so miserable, there were times I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t share this with anyone until my cousin called me one day on my way home. I told her I wasn’t happy, no real details of the reasons, that I wanted a divorce but felt I was going against GOD because marriage is HIS ideal
and the words she spoke to me, eased my spirit: while marriage is HIS ideal, GOD never meant for you to live a life of misery. It is absolutely okay to say to yourself and your spouse, “This isn’t working and I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have, maybe we should go our separate ways before we end up hating each other”. I totally get staying in a marriage, regardless of how miserable you are, because you don’t want to fail at something which is really a big deal but, at some point, you have to ask yourself what matters more, your sanity and happiness or keeping up appearances for others?
Marriage isn’t antiquated in the least and those who believe it is or it’s a type of contract you enter into with hopes of telling your spouse you’re not going to renew the ‘contract’ when shit gets tough. When I speak to certain people about marriage, they can’t believe I’m not bitter and actually look forward to doing it again and then I get hit with the infamous “People do this”, “People do that”, and “This is what people are doing nowadays” but I ain’t people, I don’t conform to the jankety idea of relationships in current times. I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring on a necklace around my neck every single day and touch it all day long because I admire and respect what it stands for: love, commitment, loyalty, genuine adoration, and longevity.
I agree that marriage isn’t for everyone, there are some people who realize this for themselves and live a relatively drama free lifestyle because they don’t make commitments to others and, if that’s what works for them, more power to them. Marriage is not something you enter into lightly or as a matter of convenience, if you can’t say the reason you married your spouse was out of love and adoration, don’t do it! Don’t toy with someone’s emotions who entered into that union with you for the right reasons but stays and is miserable because they don’t want to be alone or start over. The day you feel you need to see other people is the day you need to have a conversation with your spouse that the marriage isn’t working, let them go and find their happily ever after while you sow your oats. Here’s a concept, how about dating and having relationships with people until you find the one who makes your heart smile as no one has before?
If you wait for that person, you won’t even see other people as an option, you’ll be too focused on being with your partner and doing what it takes to make your lives as one happy. You miss the thrill of dating? Plan dates and vacations with your spouse on a regular basis don’t get new people to date. It’s no wonder there are so many damaged people walking this earth right now, they are settling for the mockery of marriage and relationships in hopes the one they love will ultimately choose to be with them and only them. If you’re not ready to put in the effort it takes to make a marriage work with the understanding everyday isn’t going to be rainbows and sunshine, stay single.
