Month: August 2019

I was having a conversation with a friend today and he expressed disgust because his dog licked him in the face while he was trying to sleep.

While he was irritated, he also spoke of how he was lying down with his eyes closed but wasn’t wearing his CPAP machine which helps him breathe. I explained to him that, while he was annoyed by dog breath and spit on his face, she was showing concern and love and making sure he was okay. For the last few years, there’s been this study going around which helps people decipher their specific Love Language and understand others thru their language. There are 5 Love Languages which help you understand why a person does or doesn’t respond to you in the manner you’ve become accustomed or feeds your soul. His dog was expressing her Love Language of affection and physical touch to show him she cared about him.

I took the Love Language quiz a few years ago and it was no surprise to me or anyone who knows me that my main one is Affection and Physical Touch followed by Quality Time. Just like I’m a frickin cupid who loves love, thru touch is how I receive my affirmation someone cares about and desires me. When you’ve grown up with affection, it’s how you know someone cares about you. I believed all people were this way but am sadly disappointed when someone else’s LL is Words of Affirmation or Acts of Service. Yes, it’s great to hear someone whose opinion you respect tell you they are proud of you but when affection or receiving gifts is your LL, it doesn’t speak to or touch your soul.

Those words of affirmation and kudos are great and help you grow with confidence when received from an elder like your parent or grandparent because their approval is always sought to confirm we’re following the path they lay for us. I own 100% that I sought words of affirmation from my mother for decades and struggled with making decisions in my own personal life because I never knew if I was living up to her expectations. Yes, I know now that’s no way to live, you can’t live your life teetering on someone else’s opinions because it’s your life to live, not theirs.

Being who and how I am with the leading language of Affection, I naturally give the other languages, I believe they fall directly under mine. If I care about someone, I will tell them how much I appreciate them and how proud I am for something they’ve done in their life; to show them I’m thinking about them, I’ll send or buy them small trinkets just because I was thinking of them which caters to the language of Receiving Gifts.

Since I crave physical touch and attention, I’m going to want to be around them all the dayum time (Attention) and offer to help with any task that won’t get my clothes dirty, make me sweat or damage a nail (Act of Service). C’mon now, I’m still a girly girl who will gladly keep you company and hand you tools as you’re changing oil or brakes, just please, I beg of you, don’t expect me to do the work with you because I will not be happy and if I ain’t happy, you won’t be either.

Recently, I reached a milestone in my life: I bought my own car with my own insurance! Yay me! Now, to some, that may seem ridiculous but for me it was an act of acknowledging I’m officially an adult and it only took 47 years.

I’ve always had my mom and dad there in the car buying process, putting cars and insurance in their names for me, taking care of me like parents do and I LOVE and APPRECIATE them for it. Thru the car buying process, I had to admit for the first time that I might be a little spoiled because I’ve been blessed to live a life only dreamt of and hoped for by many but it was my norm and all I’d ever known. In verbalizing being spoiled, I also realized I can also be quite the brat when things don’t go my way and I don’t know which language that is a part of, might just be my personality.

I’ve actually had it pretty great in my life but still had the audacity to complain and have been humbled by the stories of others which brought a tear to my eye because their upbringing was some shit. I’ve been blessed to experience all of the LLs growing up from those around me and have grown accustomed to and expect anyone who enters my life to exhibit all of them. Being brought up the way I was, I don’t understand someone who only has one LL and the brat rears her ugly head when I’m not showered with all of the languages.

Since I am aware of the LLs, I never thought about how someone with a different language would impact me and my feelings nor did I realize how much I need the affection in a romantic relationship until I didn’t have it. I’ve stayed in a couple of relationships with the belief the person I was with would wake up and shower me with affection outside of the bedroom and them being horny because they cared about me. Let me state this: showing affection just to get laid is more of an insult than attempt of showing affection and sexual innuendos without affection makes someone like me feel like I’m only there for you to empty your sack and that’s not gonna make the pannies drop………..at all.

I simply believe once you learn someone’s LL and care about them, you will do what it takes to adapt and give them what they desire and crave, WRONG! When someone only lives by one LL, they live with blinders on and know absolutely nothing about the others and show their love thru the only language they know which is where the clash comes into play. Selfishly, I don’t accept the inability to adapt and become who they need you to be because, if you care about someone, you’re supposed to do what it takes, right? But, unfortunately, everyone isn’t built to be affectionate, tell you they’re proud of and appreciate you, or lavish you with gifts and attention. Although I appear to act as though I know everything, I actually don’t, shocking right? All I go on is what I feel in my soul and would be willing to do for the person I claim to care about because I know what it means to them.

When you have a job/career, technology will come into play and alter everything you previously knew, you have to learn new skills and ways of getting the job done, why can’t you do that for the person you claim to want to be with? If you don’t adapt at work, they will quickly replace you with someone who went to school and received the training and a degree and replace you with the quickness but you expect the person who cares about you to just accept you as you are?

Is it because the person you’re with isn’t paying for your livelihood that you see no reason to grow and adapt to being what they need? When it comes to love and relationships, they may not financially compensate you but the feelings they fill your soul with can’t compare with that paycheck. Well, wait, I’ll take that back because if your LL is Receiving Gifts, money and material items are what you relate to. I don’t understand the Receiving Gifts as an act of love because I grew up watching my mother have everything materialistic she had ever dreamed of bestowed upon her by her husband and still left because she wasn’t fulfilled in the areas which mattered most to her. This is not to say that I don’t appreciate jewelry, purses, or shoes because I do, just not as the only way to prove you love me.

We all have our own Love Language and, if we’re lucky, we’ll find the one who speaks it fluently and live happily ever after. Now, the reality is, with everyone being as unique and individual as snowflakes, there will be people who speak a different language than the one which speaks to and ignites your soul but their overall being captivates your mind and spirit and, at that point, you have a decision to make: do you take them as they are while making the compromise and lacking what you desire or just walk away because it’s not worth the energy and time at this phase of your life?

That’s a question I’m not able to answer for you or anyone else, hell, I’m having a hard enough time answering it for myself. I think the LL chart is very helpful if you use it to understand what soothes another’s soul and spirit with the willingness and ability to adapt to make them feel desired and wanted. I believe it becomes a problem when you know what it takes and do nothing about it and use “I wasn’t brought up that way so I don’t know any other way to be” as a crutch because you’re telling that person they’re not worth you even trying.

Learn your language and study the others so you know how to love another properly but don’t say you understand but are unwilling to adapt and show them what they mean to you. Love is all about effort, whether it be thru time, attention, affection, gifts or words of affirmation, everyone has a language that, once decoded, will open them up to being the best person for and to you.  When loved properly, we naturally become better people, it shows in our smiles, the way our eyes light up around them, and our overall being.

There is a phrase I’m hearing a lot more from guys lately in reference to females, “She has daddy issues” and I can’t really speak on what they are because I don’t romantically deal with females. I will own I have a daddy issue which hinders me in the dating world and I would have it no other way. My issue is that my father set the bar and standard of what a man should be for the woman he loves and cares about and, unfortunately, in this day and age, very few measure up.

The ones who measure up in the beginning have gotten lazy because they think once they ‘got me’, they can slack off and that just shows me is it’s not who they are and merely acted that way in hopes of getting laid. Little do these guys know, my daddy taught me how to not to be so easily fooled that I can be talked out of my panties for a slick tongued dude. I am blessed to have the lessons he instilled in me and will be happily single until someone worthy of all I have to offer steps up with real, genuine intentions.

So often, we speak only of females behaving in certain manners because she didn’t have a daddy in her life with little mention of men having mommy issues. Yes, mommy issues are real but no one speaks of it but makes excuses as to why he is the way he is, sometimes even blaming the other females he has dealt with, all the while we overlook the main culprit: His Momma. As females, we’re supposed to support our men in every facet and be that nurturing spirit they may have been lacking at some point in their lives. As females, we’re supposed to overlook, accept and love our men thru all of their breakdowns, lack of communication and even when they push us away, we’re supposed to patiently wait until they have their shit together enough to man up and come back to our open and accepting arms of love and comfort.

There is nothing wrong with supporting your man at all but when you’re doing it at the cost of your own sanity and peace of mind, you need to sit back and re-evaluate the real issues at hand and realize it’s nothing to do with you.

The first mommy issue we’re going to delve into is the infamous Momma’s Boy! Yes, we’ve all known and some have foolishly loved this damaged man, I belong to the foolish ones clique. This type of male has an unhealthy relationship with his mother and it’s usually not totally his fault because the mother is the one who doesn’t know how to take the titty out of his mouth and let him grow up. This is a hard relationship to be in because her milk is the only nourishment he’s known, she’s the one who is there when his heart gets broken, she’s the one who will never leave him which makes anyone who couldn’t take his childish bullshit appear as a heartless bitch who didn’t appreciate him for who he is. The reality is, you left him because you saw who he was and were tired of being broken by someone who didn’t know how to put you first because his mother is a dominating force in his life.

The mother sees and treats her son as her king and man, relying on him to do the things a grown man who is sexing her should be doing: leaving his home, woman and bed to go to her home to figure out why her cable isn’t working, washing her car even though he doesn’t put a bubble on his woman’s car, expecting him to be her financial support while she mismanages her own money, etc. This is a difficult relationship to have with him because he will constantly be torn who to do for, you or his momma and you usually lose out because he’ll throw the guilt trip on you of, “Baby, it’s my mother, what do you expect me to do”? He will constantly feel torn and in the middle and you’ll receive much disrespect from him and her before you’re done with it all. In the beginning, we respect him that much more because he does whatever he can to take care of his mother but that shit gets old quick when she feels she has license to speak to you however she feels and he doesn’t bat an eye. Here’s the reality of dealing with a Momma’s Boy and his momma – to her, you’re viewed as the side chick and are a threat because you are giving him the one thing she never could: SEX.  

With him, you’ll never have all of him because she has a hold on him she’s not willing to relinquish since he’s always been there with and for her, he’s the only male that’s loved her unconditionally and will never leave and, if he attempts to grow up, she’ll guilt trip him into doing more for her as he puts you on the back burner of his priorities.

We all watch television and see what we deem are the ideal mothers, you know the ones who are there for their children when they have a good/bad day, kiss their boo-boos, work a full day and come home and put a hot meal on the table, and are their biggest cheerleader and support in all of their activities.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a reality for some and a harder pill to swallow for the little boy who does everything to gain his mother’s approval, hugs, kisses and support. The little boy who grew up with a mother in the house but wasn’t present will crave that type of nurturing love and support but fear it when it’s presented in the form of a woman who fills the void of his cravings. While he may crave that type of love and support, he doesn’t know how to handle it and will regress to that little boy who felt he wasn’t good enough for his own mother and push you away, no matter how perfect you are for him, he’s too scared to believe you won’t disappoint him the way she did. Instinctually, we stay by his side, loving him thru his dark moments (which he’ll have more of than you can count because he’s fighting a battle within himself you know nothing about), doing everything in our power to prove to him he’s worthy of your love and that you’ll never leave him. There will come a point when you realize you have to leave him because trying to love him into being whole will destroy you because you’re not getting what you desire or deserve and you can’t put him back together, that’s his responsibility.

With this type of man, it won’t matter how perfect you are, he’ll never appreciate it because, if the first woman in his life didn’t feel he was worthy of unconditional love and support wasn’t there for him, he’ll never believe and have faith you or anyone else will.

We have now come to the perfect mother who passes away; leaving a void within her son he’s now too afraid to let anyone near. His mother did a wonderful job raising her son with a healthy balance of nurturing support but letting him grow up; he’s a great man, a gentleman, great provider, kind and has a heart full of love. He sounds ideal, doesn’t he? Well, he really is but once you get close and he starts to fall for you, he’ll back off because he doesn’t want to go thru the pain of loss again.

Again, this has nothing to do with you but you suffer because you get your feelings involved and all of sudden…………..nothing, the usual texts and communication trickle off to nothing at all and you’re standing there holding your broken heart wondering what the hell happened.  What happened was he got in his own head and thoughts of missing his mother and needed to create space between the two of you before he cared too much. Yes, this sucks big time because you had no intentions of leaving him, only loving him, but you can’t compete with someone who was everything to him but is no longer here.

As a mother, I know I’m not perfect but, dammit, I do my best for my girls and can’t understand how a mother could use her child as a verbal and physical punching bag. Hell, when I have to discipline my girls, I feel like shit and retreat to my room so they don’t see me breaking from seeing the hurt in their eyes. When I decided to bring them into this world, I made the conscious choice to put their well-being before my own and make their lives better than what I had growing up.

Unfortunately, there are females who have brought sons into this world who they treat as the worst thing they could have ever done, reminding them on a regular basis that they aren’t shit when they’re actually pretty great human beings. This type of woman will take all of her bitterness and transgressions towards men out on the one who can’t truly fend for himself and looks to her for protection, nurturing, love and support. When she has a bad day, she physically and verbally takes it out on the male who just wants a hug because he had a bad day as well. The male raised in this environment doesn’t know what real love is because the only way it was expressed to him was thru a beating with anything she could get her hands on or constantly being yelled at and belittled.

Having been raised in a household where the only time someone touched him caused bruises, welts, or cuts causes him not to know how to be affectionate which is a major factor in an intimate relationship. This man will show his affection verbally and not understand why it’s not enough because he seeks the affirmations that he’s doing right and, once again, be made to feel less than because it’s not what she’s expecting or used to. If you genuinely care about him, understand you will need the patience of Job in the area of affection and teach him that every touch doesn’t lead to pain.

We are all damaged in some form or another and the initial cause of that damage comes from our parents who didn’t know any better at the time they were inflicting it. Yes, females have mommy issues as well which will hinder relationships because she is so afraid of not pleasing or making her mother proud, she’ll question everything in her life from her job, parenting skills and every romantic relationship. Mommy issues aren’t gender specific but rear their ugly heads in different manners depending on the gender: a man will push you away and run scared because they’re taught not to show emotions whereas a female will cling to a man harder trying to prove she is good enough. Seeing as though we’re all damaged in our own ways, we need to take the time to understand where the damage began and decide whether or not we can handle healing something we had nothing to do with.

I know many mothers, single and married, who have and are raising boys into men and I respect them more than they could ever know because the weight of that responsibility isn’t bestowed unto everyone. Yes, it seems totally selfish to say this but I openly admit I never wanted a son because I know how I am and didn’t want to create a human who would cause a female the type of pain I have endured at the hands of the types of men I’ve spoken on. It’s hard to tell someone that who and how their mother was doesn’t define them because she is the one who gave them life, the one who is supposed to protect, support, nurture and love them thru anything. We all seek our mommy’s approval and when it’s not given, we never feel worthy of anyone who just wants to love and care for us. It is our personal responsibility to realize how great of a person we are and not the person we were conditioned to believe we were by someone who was too damaged from their past to love us properly. Mothers, I beg of you, please take the responsibility of raising you boys into the healthy, strong, loving men you’d want for yourself but with the willingness to share him.