There is a phrase I’m hearing a lot more from guys lately in reference to females, “She has daddy issues” and I can’t really speak on what they are because I don’t romantically deal with females. I will own I have a daddy issue which hinders me in the dating world and I would have it no other way. My issue is that my father set the bar and standard of what a man should be for the woman he loves and cares about and, unfortunately, in this day and age, very few measure up.
The ones who measure up in the beginning have gotten lazy because they think once they ‘got me’, they can slack off and that just shows me is it’s not who they are and merely acted that way in hopes of getting laid. Little do these guys know, my daddy taught me how to not to be so easily fooled that I can be talked out of my panties for a slick tongued dude. I am blessed to have the lessons he instilled in me and will be happily single until someone worthy of all I have to offer steps up with real, genuine intentions.
So often, we speak only of females behaving in certain manners because she didn’t have a daddy in her life with little mention of men having mommy issues. Yes, mommy issues are real but no one speaks of it but makes excuses as to why he is the way he is, sometimes even blaming the other females he has dealt with, all the while we overlook the main culprit: His Momma. As females, we’re supposed to support our men in every facet and be that nurturing spirit they may have been lacking at some point in their lives. As females, we’re supposed to overlook, accept and love our men thru all of their breakdowns, lack of communication and even when they push us away, we’re supposed to patiently wait until they have their shit together enough to man up and come back to our open and accepting arms of love and comfort.
There is nothing wrong with supporting your man at all but when you’re doing it at the cost of your own sanity and peace of mind, you need to sit back and re-evaluate the real issues at hand and realize it’s nothing to do with you.
The first mommy issue we’re going to delve into is the infamous Momma’s Boy! Yes, we’ve all known and some have foolishly loved this damaged man, I belong to the foolish ones clique. This type of male has an unhealthy relationship with his mother and it’s usually not totally his fault because the mother is the one who doesn’t know how to take the titty out of his mouth and let him grow up. This is a hard relationship to be in because her milk is the only nourishment he’s known, she’s the one who is there when his heart gets broken, she’s the one who will never leave him which makes anyone who couldn’t take his childish bullshit appear as a heartless bitch who didn’t appreciate him for who he is. The reality is, you left him because you saw who he was and were tired of being broken by someone who didn’t know how to put you first because his mother is a dominating force in his life.
The mother sees and treats her son as her king and man, relying on him to do the things a grown man who is sexing her should be doing: leaving his home, woman and bed to go to her home to figure out why her cable isn’t working, washing her car even though he doesn’t put a bubble on his woman’s car, expecting him to be her financial support while she mismanages her own money, etc. This is a difficult relationship to have with him because he will constantly be torn who to do for, you or his momma and you usually lose out because he’ll throw the guilt trip on you of, “Baby, it’s my mother, what do you expect me to do”? He will constantly feel torn and in the middle and you’ll receive much disrespect from him and her before you’re done with it all. In the beginning, we respect him that much more because he does whatever he can to take care of his mother but that shit gets old quick when she feels she has license to speak to you however she feels and he doesn’t bat an eye. Here’s the reality of dealing with a Momma’s Boy and his momma – to her, you’re viewed as the side chick and are a threat because you are giving him the one thing she never could: SEX.
With him, you’ll never have all of him because she has a hold on him she’s not willing to relinquish since he’s always been there with and for her, he’s the only male that’s loved her unconditionally and will never leave and, if he attempts to grow up, she’ll guilt trip him into doing more for her as he puts you on the back burner of his priorities.
We all watch television and see what we deem are the ideal mothers, you know the ones who are there for their children when they have a good/bad day, kiss their boo-boos, work a full day and come home and put a hot meal on the table, and are their biggest cheerleader and support in all of their activities.
Unfortunately, this isn’t a reality for some and a harder pill to swallow for the little boy who does everything to gain his mother’s approval, hugs, kisses and support. The little boy who grew up with a mother in the house but wasn’t present will crave that type of nurturing love and support but fear it when it’s presented in the form of a woman who fills the void of his cravings. While he may crave that type of love and support, he doesn’t know how to handle it and will regress to that little boy who felt he wasn’t good enough for his own mother and push you away, no matter how perfect you are for him, he’s too scared to believe you won’t disappoint him the way she did. Instinctually, we stay by his side, loving him thru his dark moments (which he’ll have more of than you can count because he’s fighting a battle within himself you know nothing about), doing everything in our power to prove to him he’s worthy of your love and that you’ll never leave him. There will come a point when you realize you have to leave him because trying to love him into being whole will destroy you because you’re not getting what you desire or deserve and you can’t put him back together, that’s his responsibility.
With this type of man, it won’t matter how perfect you are, he’ll never appreciate it because, if the first woman in his life didn’t feel he was worthy of unconditional love and support wasn’t there for him, he’ll never believe and have faith you or anyone else will.
We have now come to the perfect mother who passes away; leaving a void within her son he’s now too afraid to let anyone near. His mother did a wonderful job raising her son with a healthy balance of nurturing support but letting him grow up; he’s a great man, a gentleman, great provider, kind and has a heart full of love. He sounds ideal, doesn’t he? Well, he really is but once you get close and he starts to fall for you, he’ll back off because he doesn’t want to go thru the pain of loss again.
Again, this has nothing to do with you but you suffer because you get your feelings involved and all of sudden…………..nothing, the usual texts and communication trickle off to nothing at all and you’re standing there holding your broken heart wondering what the hell happened. What happened was he got in his own head and thoughts of missing his mother and needed to create space between the two of you before he cared too much. Yes, this sucks big time because you had no intentions of leaving him, only loving him, but you can’t compete with someone who was everything to him but is no longer here.
As a mother, I know I’m not perfect but, dammit, I do my best for my girls and can’t understand how a mother could use her child as a verbal and physical punching bag. Hell, when I have to discipline my girls, I feel like shit and retreat to my room so they don’t see me breaking from seeing the hurt in their eyes. When I decided to bring them into this world, I made the conscious choice to put their well-being before my own and make their lives better than what I had growing up.
Unfortunately, there are females who have brought sons into this world who they treat as the worst thing they could have ever done, reminding them on a regular basis that they aren’t shit when they’re actually pretty great human beings. This type of woman will take all of her bitterness and transgressions towards men out on the one who can’t truly fend for himself and looks to her for protection, nurturing, love and support. When she has a bad day, she physically and verbally takes it out on the male who just wants a hug because he had a bad day as well. The male raised in this environment doesn’t know what real love is because the only way it was expressed to him was thru a beating with anything she could get her hands on or constantly being yelled at and belittled.
Having been raised in a household where the only time someone touched him caused bruises, welts, or cuts causes him not to know how to be affectionate which is a major factor in an intimate relationship. This man will show his affection verbally and not understand why it’s not enough because he seeks the affirmations that he’s doing right and, once again, be made to feel less than because it’s not what she’s expecting or used to. If you genuinely care about him, understand you will need the patience of Job in the area of affection and teach him that every touch doesn’t lead to pain.
We are all damaged in some form or another and the initial cause of that damage comes from our parents who didn’t know any better at the time they were inflicting it. Yes, females have mommy issues as well which will hinder relationships because she is so afraid of not pleasing or making her mother proud, she’ll question everything in her life from her job, parenting skills and every romantic relationship. Mommy issues aren’t gender specific but rear their ugly heads in different manners depending on the gender: a man will push you away and run scared because they’re taught not to show emotions whereas a female will cling to a man harder trying to prove she is good enough. Seeing as though we’re all damaged in our own ways, we need to take the time to understand where the damage began and decide whether or not we can handle healing something we had nothing to do with.
I know many mothers, single and married, who have and are raising boys into men and I respect them more than they could ever know because the weight of that responsibility isn’t bestowed unto everyone. Yes, it seems totally selfish to say this but I openly admit I never wanted a son because I know how I am and didn’t want to create a human who would cause a female the type of pain I have endured at the hands of the types of men I’ve spoken on. It’s hard to tell someone that who and how their mother was doesn’t define them because she is the one who gave them life, the one who is supposed to protect, support, nurture and love them thru anything. We all seek our mommy’s approval and when it’s not given, we never feel worthy of anyone who just wants to love and care for us. It is our personal responsibility to realize how great of a person we are and not the person we were conditioned to believe we were by someone who was too damaged from their past to love us properly. Mothers, I beg of you, please take the responsibility of raising you boys into the healthy, strong, loving men you’d want for yourself but with the willingness to share him.
Great Read…..