About 14 years ago, there was a movie which came out called Hustle and Flow. Now, I will probably have my ‘Black card’ revoked because I have never seen the movie and obviously that’s some sort of No No in the Black community. This was a popular movie and even more popular soundtrack which had a song called “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” and I began thinking as this song popped in my head and continued to repeat, is it really hard out here for a pimp? Have you ever been be a mother who’s single and in her 40’s trying to date in this new-fangled, jankety society? You want to talk about hard out here, let’s discuss all the bullshit we have to put up with that pimps don’t! When you’re a mother who’s single, it’s less about a “Bitch better have my money”
and more along the lines of being willing to catch a charge if someone plays with your emotions and waste your time yet again.
Okay, let me start by saying I’m not nor have ever been a pimp and definitely have never worked for one but I believe I have the general concept down: manage females who are willing to do sexual favors with clients for a fee, give you all the money and receive a small portion for their hard, demeaning work. Hell, if you take out the sex part, this sounds a lot like corporate America. Even though he ‘test’ all of his ‘product’ before putting it out there for clients, a pimp doesn’t have to worry about catching feelings for anyone, matter of fact, they have to be far removed from any emotional commitment to their ‘ladies’ because it’s about business. Pimps will treat their ‘employees’ like absolute garbage, beat them to a pulp if they are short with money and tell them they love them which produces more loyalty from these females than the dog you rescued from death row of the animal shelter. They worry about their clientele being satisfied and coming back for more services which keeps the pimp in fur coats, hats, the finest fabrics, and luxury vehicles.
A pimp’s biggest worry is whether or not “that bitch got his money”. He doesn’t have to worry about whether he has a babysitter he can trust to watch his children while he goes on a date with some dullard just so he feels attractive and desired. A pimp doesn’t have to worry about being ghosted by someone he really cares about because, again, he doesn’t get emotionally involved but we do. Again, tell me how it’s hard out here for a pimp because, the more I type, the better that profession is looking right now.
As you are well aware by now, I am a mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters who is also single but they haven’t always been teenagers and able to stay home while I go out and attempt to be a grown up. When they were younger, dating did not exist in my life because there weren’t too many men who were understanding and patient enough to only be able to see, go out and spend time with me every other weekend when the girls were with their father. While some would say that sucks, it was the choice I made as their mother to be there and present in their lives instead of gallivanting around town with a slew of men, that’s never been the role model I want to be for my daughters as well as a female I don’t know how to be. Making that choice enabled me to know and understand my children at their core while also giving them memories of Mommie always being there for and with them, choosing them over some dang-a-lang attached to some randoms.
I’ve been doing this mother who’s single thing for over a decade now and, even though they’re able to stay home alone, I don’t abuse it, I choose them over a night of drinking many times because I actually like my daughters, they’re cool and interesting human beings! Yes, I know all parents think their children are the bomb and they probably are because you chose to be involved in their lives by being present and not just buying them the latest and greatest technological gadget. When given the opportunity, I will gladly flake on people just so I can stay home to have pizza, movie time, and conversation while playing Uno® with our jumbo cards or baking cookies. I have a daughter who will be 900 miles away from me to attend college in a month, I’m going to soak up all of her in the meantime.
Now that I’ve covered the joys of being a single mother, let me share some of the aggravations of it. For starters, how many of you know what it’s like to make plans, whether it be with platonic or romantic friends, and hear, “Where are you going?”, “Who are you going out with?” followed up with “Didn’t you just go out a couple months ago?” Last I checked, my daddy (may he continue to rest in paradise) passed away 9.5 years ago and my mother lives in Florida yet, I’m having to justify going out to teenagers who are judging my clothes, makeup and hair. When did the tables turn and I became their child?
You want to know what’s worse? I answer all of their questions as though they are my parents and I do so because I don’t want them to feel shut out of my life but I don’t give them all the details because I’m still the parent…………I think. Did you know that I’m not ‘allowed’ to run errands alone and haven’t been able to for the last 3 years because a handsome older gentleman softly hit on me at a stoplight while my youngest was with me? When it happened, she looked at me as though I had instigated it and said, “Is this what happens when you go out alone? If so, that’s not happening anymore because that was just weird and creepy. I’ll be going with you from now on”. Yes, I still hear about that incident because she couldn’t believe a man would have the audacity to find her mother attractive enough to attempt a conversation in the short time we were both stopped at a light. And they say pimps have it hard?!
Let’s set aside being single and someone’s mother for a moment and focus on the dating puddle of decent men which is about the size of ant pee by the time you’re in your forties. You find yourself willing to take a chance to get to know a guy who seems like he has his shit all the way together only to find out he’s more damaged than a piece of fine China dropped from the observation deck of the Empire State building and then run over by a Mack truck. You, however don’t find this out until you’ve invested time, effort and feelings into this human and then catch yourself mouthing “WTF”
when those wounds start surfacing. You try to be supportive and there for them but realize there’s nothing you can do for them, no matter how much you’re there for them, their damage and pain runs too deep and you not only lose a possible romantic partner, now you’ve also lost a friend. You put on your big girl pannies, suck it up and say, “Let’s try again” only to learn the person you were willing to give a chance has a past he hasn’t cleared up and that past confronts you. How about the guys who look at you and think that they’re going to get laid simply because they have all of their teeth? And, please, let’s not forget the guy who you are perfect for but they’re too damaged, scared and skeptical of it being real that they hold you at arm’s length only to constantly stay in your life giving you false hope they’ll man up and commit to you. Oh, wait, I almost forgot about all the married men who think you’re so desperate as a single woman that you’d be honored to be their side chick just to have a piece of a man. You have guys out here who will be with you for your pretty face and keep a side chick with a fat ass on the side because yours is just average sized.
There have been many who have tried to convince me to have a ‘life’ outside of my children too many times to count, telling me I need to focus on myself because they’ll soon be grown and living their own lives while I’m still trying to learn to have one. While I appreciate the advice and concern, I’ll never apologize for pouring so much of myself into my girls because that’s the type of mother they deserve. I have been attempting to ‘get a life’ over the last few months and I’m already over the aggravation of it all. I am not looking for perfection but, shit, can I get some consistency? I’m not talking about consistently being an asshole, thinking I’m going to be one of many, that I’m just a piece of ass or the only one putting forth any effort. The type of consistency I’m referring to is: being interested and actually showing it without stipulations and conditions; putting forth the effort to get to know me as a person and not just a body; having genuine interest in me as a person and not as a therapist where you unload all of your shit and drama; planning of dateS and following thru with them; and respecting my Love Language as I do yours. The funny thing is, I don’t ask for anything I’m not willing to do for another person but I’m determined not to be the only one putting forth consistent effort.
Whoever said it was hard out here for a pimp was not a single woman in her forties in 2019 because we have it a lot harder, trust me when I tell you! But, even as hard and annoying as it can be sometimes, I may be a little tattered and worn but I’m still a cupid
who has faith that I’ll receive my happily ever after and I’m not giving up just yet and don’t you either.