Today was supposed to just be a chill, get myself together for the work week while my daughter got herself ready for the upcoming week and we received the devastating news everyone across the world did: NBA Superstar Kobe Bryant perished in a helicopter crash this morning. When we learned of the news being true, my daughter said, “I hope his daughter wasn’t with him because she travels with him everywhere. Maybe they are mistaken”. Unfortunately, both reports are confirmed.
This heartbreaking and earth shattering news struck me on a couple of levels: that of a mother and daughter who’s lost her daddy. He made such an impact on the world that you didn’t even have to follow basketball to have been touched by his personality, this one hits home on such a personal level and spans across multiple generations.
For those who are unaware, I worked in the funeral business for a little while and came to grips that people die every single day and it was easy to detach from actual death because I didn’t personally know any of the bodies on the tables.
It wasn’t until I lost my father did I understand the difference between death and loss. I haven’t been back to a funeral home in the 9.5 years since his passing because it is now all too real for me. No longer are those bodies just vessels, they were someone’s loved one who is missing them terribly while they lay on that table to be prepared for the final viewing for their family and friends. We experience death on a very regular basis and don’t take the time to appreciate and respect the fact that it’s also a loss. Death comes in many forms, not just a human being ceasing to breathe. When you have been friends with someone and have a disagreement and the friendship ends, that’s death but we don’t really take the time to truly mourn it because we, logically, feel as though if it’s over it wasn’t that serious and we need to keep moving forward.
Everyone has worked somewhere and, for whatever reason, you no longer work there, that too is death and loss which we brush off quickly because we need to plan our next move. Hell, plants die and we just toss them in the trash and own the fact we don’t have a green thumb but eagerly run out and get another to try different measures not to kill this one. Sadly, we see and hear about death so regularly that we’ve become numb to the actual impact it has on our souls and spirits.
I was a different person before my father passed away because I just knew he’d always be here because heroes don’t die, they live forever, right? The person I was when he was here over reacted to everything and took even the smallest things way too seriously and to watch me live in anger or sadness on a regular basis broke his heart. He would always tell me, “Baby, you have to let go of some of that, you are wasting your life worrying about the wrong things. You are missing out on life and experiences carrying that weight around and I hate to see you like this” but I didn’t get it until I lost him.
When he passed, I learned how truly short life is and that tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us and began to look at my life, interactions and relationships differently. I developed the mindset of in the grander scheme of life, does this really matter? I was once super critical, anal and had been diagnosed with OCD because I had control issues which were a lot but believed it was the only way I was able to function. I envied my father’s nonchalant attitude, laid back demeanor and personality, and ability to always have a smile on his face, no matter the circumstance. We like to believe that death doesn’t change us because we don’t acknowledge the true loss until it hits home and creates a void within our spirits which will never be filled again because a piece of us is permanently gone.
About 18 months ago, one of the closest female friendships I’d ever had came to an abrupt end, we were celebrating her birthday one day and the next, we were no longer friends. This loss struck me hard because, although we may have had our issues, she was my sister and had looked out for me and mine more than some related by blood. She was there for me in my darkest moments, my shoulder to cry on and all around genuine friend. To those on the outside, our relationship didn’t make sense but it wasn’t for them to understand, this was our relationship. That was a hard year for me because I didn’t get to share with her the good, bad, terrible, and wonderful things which were transpiring in my life but that just meant I needed to go thru that to gain my strength and do for myself and my children. Yes, I have others in my life who are unequivocally there for me and I appreciate those persons in my life as well but this loss hit hard.
I came to learn that she went thru a lot of struggles during our time apart as well and the separation needed to happen because we weren’t growing as long as we were friends. A mutual friend of ours learned about our situation and told her that it broke her heart because we were truly friends and we needed to make up. What also spawned the need for reconciliation was that my friend lost a really good friend last year and that death hit her very hard and made her realize how trivial the demise of our relationship truly was. I thank our mutual friend for setting us up to have a conversation, clear the air and rebuild our friendship as the women we are today.
Most of us live our lives not wanting to die but are we ever really living our lives to the fullest? I will own that I don’t live as much as I probably should out of fear and control. I envy those who are spontaneous and say You Only Live Once ~ YOLO because I can’t release my grip on the reins of control to just ‘be’. The reality is that we don’t only live once, we die once. Everyday you open your eyes and have breath in your body, you’re given another opportunity to live but being alive isn’t the same as living. Some let the pain of the past control them and those poor souls are dying a little bit every day.
I have learned to be a more nonchalant but it hasn’t been totally by my own control, so much shit happens in my life that I no longer have the energy to care about every little thing which may happen. The tragedy which lies in the tragic loss of a great NBA superstar is that we don’t appreciate life until a loss happens which impacts us directly. We all have relationships in our lives which we are holding onto with a white knuckled grip, causing more pain than doing any good because pain is what we’ve become accustomed to. It’s time to let go, let go of the pain, anger, animosity, pettiness and grudges caused by and against those we once loved, life is too damn short to be bitter and carrying that load. How do you claim you’re living your best life while shitting on the same people who once filled your fridge when you couldn’t or made sure your lights stayed on? Simply put, you’re not, this is not the life you were created to live. Pain, resentment and anger are not what the creator, your parents and anyone who loves and cares about you ever wanted for you. Yes, we go thru shit, all of us do but too many are living there.
Please take a moment to love those who love you, pray for those who have done you wrong, love yourself and appreciate every single breath in your body because none of us know when we will be called Home. You miss someone? Reach out and tell them, don’t sit on your pride and take your last breath wondering what could have been. Let go of the fear, pain and resentment to fix whatever’s broken in your life. Trust me on this one: if you’re missing someone they’re missing you too and a simple text or call will fix it. Life is too short, tell those who mean something to you that you love them, how much their presence in your life means and you don’t want to be without them.
