Whew!!! We made it to another year! I don’t know about you but 2020 was quite the journey for me. As I traveled down the tumultuous road which was the longest but fastest moving year of my life, I learned a lot about myself and made necessary changes, some voluntary and others I just had to suck up and deal with. So very many things took place in the course of 365 days that it feels impossible it wasn’t over the span of a decade, it is still boggling my mind.
Get your beverage of choice, whether it be spirited, caffeinated or just good ol’ water and get yourself comfy as I take you thru some of my lessons learned in 2020.
Over the course of 1 year, I played a part in damaging and losing precious friendships, learned I am more efficient when I work remotely, learned how to create and stick to boundaries, deepened my relationships with my daughters, and released whatever was toxic in my life. Oh, wait, I also learned how addicted to online shopping one can become when they are bored and, thanks to my bank account, I learned how many happy hours I used to go to before everything was shut down. In the beginning of the pandemic, I was squirrely, I felt like a child on an endless punishment because there were a couple of hardheaded individuals who were extending my sentence.
Now, I am very comfortable and get a tinge of anxiety if I have to go places where there may be larger groups of people. I also severely tested the strength of my liver because, well, what else was there to do, right? Wrong! Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go to AA or anything, I just cut back because I realized staying buzzed did nothing but temporarily put my issues to the side, that shit was still there when I sobered up. I always knew I was a homebody but began to question it when I was told to stay home and it wasn’t staying home which was the issue, it was being told what to do that was the problem for me. Yep, you’ve got it, I have a problem with authority, who knew, right?
During this past year, it was reiterated to me that I think I’m perfect and it was stated, as usual, in a way meant to insult me, and in the moment it happened, I took it painfully to heart, but I had a lot of time to replay that scenario in my head and realized that their perception wasn’t my reality. For those who are unaware, my idea of and need to be perfect has absolutely nothing do with anyone else, it is a battle I struggle with inside myself every single day.
My need to be and do things perfectly isn’t to say I’m better than anyone else, it’s a reassurance for myself that I am capable of accomplishing whatever I set out to do and I have very high standards for myself. I used to believe that the need to be perfect at all I do was a flaw and shortcoming because it meant I was somehow a failure if I messed up. Well, I thank that person for throwing what they believed was an insult at me because it enabled me to understand I am really not the one with the issue of my idea of perfection. Let’s be real for a second, who walking this earth doesn’t strive to be the best at something? No matter how big or small it may be, we all want to achieve something with perfection, right? I have a hard time believing that there are people who barely strive for mediocrity in their lives but if that’s who you are, do you, I don’t judge or criticize anyone because maybe that’s all energy they have in themselves after going thru GOD only knows what.
This past year, my judgement was way off and I got too comfortable with people way too quick which caused damage to other people. In believing I had an actual friendship with one person, I shared information about another friend which was a betrayal and caused too much strife to return to any sense of normalcy.
I have owned my part in it and apologized for my actions but, again, have had time to think about it all. I was wrong and will not attempt to justify betraying a friend and that’s all I have to say about that.
There has been an immense amount of loss over the past year, so much so that it seems impossible it all took place over a mere 365 days. We’ve all lost icons and heroes this past year but for a lot of us, that loss struck a lot closer to home than we could ever imagine. Due to the pandemic, some learned their relationships weren’t strong enough to survive being quarantined for months on end which resulted in filing for divorce or just moving out because, with the courts being closed, it was the only option to get away from the toxicity they once believed was love.
For others, the pandemic has strengthened relationships, people got the opportunity to spend quality time with their significant others and learn more about them on deeper levels which made their connection even stronger.
This past year, we learned how very vital and how much teachers mean and go thru with our children every single day of the week when we went virtual and had to stand in their shoes every day.
I will be the first to admit that if this had taken place 10 years ago, I’d have run away from home a very long time ago because I would’ve gone absolutely mad if I had to be my daughters’ teacher while working remotely. Anyone who knows me knows that, unless it’s involving my money, math isn’t my strong suit when it includes the alphabet which would explain why I stopped being able to assist my girls with homework when they reached the 5th grade. I’d like to pop a bottle for the parents who haven’t left mommy/daddy shaped holes in doors or walls trying to escape due to having to teach their children all subjects in elementary school.
My biggest struggle is ensuring my 17-year-old senior is awake and online at 7:30 am 4 days a week and, believe me, it is quite the struggle most days.
Last year, I tried my hand at writing in a whole new genre and learned I’m actually pretty good at it! So good, in fact, I have decided to move forward and put out a book of short stories. I have attempted to take becoming an author seriously but also learned I have a problem with deadlines and structure, once again the issue with being told what to do rears its ugly head but I’m going to push thru it and get it done.
So many things have been brought to light for me with completing this book that all I can do at this point is laugh at myself and shake my head. The need to be perfect is what’s holding me back, I write something, believe it’s good as gold and then re-read it, find something I don’t like, and spend hours and sometimes days, tweaking something that was actually good. I am adamant about that being a last year issue, I will not bring that energy forward into 2021.
When I was growing up, I would always be told, “Any day on this side of the dirt is a good day, make the most of it” and, in the ignorance of being young, I never took it seriously because I believed I had many tomorrows ahead of me but this year set this country adage in stone. One thing I have come to understand is that every day isn’t going to be a beautiful walk in the park, some days you’ll step in shit barefoot but that’s just that moment, it’s not your final destination. For what seems like the first time in my life, I now know what it feels like to breathe full breaths, no longer are they stuttered from anxiety of not being good enough.
Just this morning, a friend reached out to me and shared a statement, “Distractions do nothing but block your blessings” and that’s straight facts but you have to understand the difference in a true distraction meant to block your blessings and one you create to avoid receiving your blessings. Too many times, we believe something to be a distraction because we are afraid of actually feeling something and that will also block blessings. I, personally, am at the point in my life where I don’t question anything anymore, I let life happen and am pleasantly surprised at how things have been turning out for me. My questioning and doubt about the good things in my life blocked more blessings than I knew I was capable of receiving.
In this brand new year, take the time to let life happen as it may, love those who love you, pray for your enemies as well as loved ones because we all need someone to pray for us, and clean the shit off your foot and take advantage and make the most of every day on this side of the dirt. Raise your glass to a great year!
