Hey, hey, my lovelies!! Yes, we’re inches away from a new year and, no, I’m not going to talk about resolutions or how the slight difference between 2020 and 2021 is that we were allowed outside more. I do not speak on or make resolutions because I have a problem with structure of sorts even though I need it terribly in every facet of my life, I don’t like adhering to a to-do list, I will fail every time and, anyone who knows me knows, I don’t do well at losing/failing. As for the years? Yeah, I’m not getting into that bullshit because it’s pretty much been the same shit for the last 22 months and counting.
Have you ever been talking to someone and you can feel their pain and rage in their words when you bring up the simplest thing and you, literally, have to say, “Damn! Who hurt you?!” Oh, you haven’t? It’s just me? Yeah, I don’t believe I’m the only one who’s dealt with someone who tries to mask their pain and see that shit come bursting thru at the most inopportune time, taking everyone aback for a moment. An example of such behavior could be everyone’s favorite subject: child support! Bring that up around a dude who has a disrespectful baby momma and watch him angrily go after every female in eye sight as though she were the one buying expensive handbags and shoes while their child had ramen noodles for dinner. Be honest, some of y’all got heated from reading that, didn’t you? Calm down, your children ate a well balanced meal, have a nice roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and are sleeping peacefully in their own beds.
I will be the first to admit that I probably share too openly about the shit I’ve been thru but I want people to know what caused me to be the way that I am to understand I’m not just a bitter, jolted woman. I am a firm believer that you can’t know present me without understanding how I got to be her. There are, however, many people who believe the shit that happened to them has no bearing on who they are but that secrecy and denial only makes the old them come bursting thru at the worst times which are those moments they never see or feel coming which means they’re not prepared or healed from that trauma.
I’ve come to learn that our undealt-with-past tends to tarnish our present and future as they become triggers we usually don’t even know exist because, duh, we moved past that, right? Let me explain something real quick: brushing trauma under the mental rug isn’t dealing with it to heal it and move on with your life in a healthy-ish fashion. I added the ‘ish’ because, really, who’s living a completely healthy life? Oh, you? Okay! I see you! I’m not there yet though so, show a sista some grace, please.
When you experience any type of trauma, you have to work thru and heal it so you can begin to live your best life. The traumas you experienced may be identical to mine or they could be as different as snowflakes but that doesn’t mean one is any more or less significantly traumatic than the other and need to be acknowledged and respected just the same. We all have trauma triggers, ALL OF US, but they are internal demons we have to deal with. Here’s a word of advice: don’t make someone else’s trauma trigger about you; be kind and patient as they walk you thru it; and never expect them to apologize to you for having a reaction.
When you decide to become romantically involved with someone, isn’t that when you have conversations about your pasts? I mean, when I’m chilling with a new Boo thang, I share the most ridiculous stuff that happened to me and we laugh because some of the shit is absolutely hilarious ……………well, it’s funny now but it wasn’t even giggle worthy when I was crying and brokenhearted from being betrayed by the one person I thought would never do such a thing to me. BUT, I share it so the person I am getting to know understands what I’ve been thru so, hopefully, they will learn my triggers and not be the reason I’m sporting the spiffy orange jumpsuit.
If we don’t know someone’s past, we are merely loving the representative who cannot sustain a long-term relationship because there isn’t vulnerability nor transparency. Yes, sharing your past comes with a high level of trust in not being judged for what you went thru and put up with all in the name of love (?). There are things which happened to us in the past that may be repeated by future Boos and have the same result if not spoken on ahead of time, you can’t wait until they exhibit the same behavior of another or you may very well snap. You’ve gone thru enough relationship autopsies to know you are too old and tired to have them continuing to pile up because you kept quiet about your pain. You could have been cheated on by an ex which makes you suspicious when your new Boo doesn’t respond to your text in .02 seconds as if they’re not allowed to be sleep or on the toilet. You could have an ex who was an aggressive, belligerent, abusive drunk and seeing you have more than one drink could trigger a flashback with them and they write you off with no explanation.
I will speak for myself when I say if I don’t see a future with you, you will know the basic, coworker level shit and not the deep, dark secrets I keep buried out of fear of being judged or fitted for a blinged out jacket that makes me hug myself. You see, sharing that pain and shame comes with a certain degree of trust in another person and if that trust has been betrayed in the past, it will take a little longer to open that door where the skeletons eagerly await release. To have a successful, transparent, healthy relationship, you must shine some light on those skeletons so they don’t escape and cause you drama, heartbreak and pain.
All of this is not to say go on a Tell Ya Bizness tour, sharing shit with random folks, it is to let you know that, once you’re comfortable with someone, let them know what actions betrayed your trust and caused your heart to be held together with Scotch tape. But before you put all your cards on the table with someone else, sit for a good while with that person in the mirror and ask for forgiveness for putting them thru all of that trauma, cry with them to release and heal from the deep rooted pain.
It doesn’t matter if you’re single as a dollar bill or Boo’d up to the GODS, take time out to show yourself some self healing and love as you don’t want to go into the New Year with old shit. Continue to be great, my lovlies!
