Realizations, re-evaluating, and revelations

Hey, Hey, my lovelies! Yup, we did it, we made it to another year, yay us, right? After the last two New Years, I’m feeling just as leery of this one as the rest of you but, as with last year, I have hope this one won’t be the same shit show of the last two. I mean, we have more lenient outside privileges, right? Wait, that’s not necessarily a positive because the ones who didn’t know how to act in the beginning are recruiting more idiots, shit. I tend to be an optimist and look at the glass as half full but the last 22 months have caused me to continue to fill that glass with wine and drink it only to refill to get back to my half full glass and then I drink that and just keep refilling until I’m nice, buzzed and couldn’t care less because I keep my ass in the house and away from stupidity because, apparently, it’s contagious.

I always say how I don’t make resolutions at the turn of a new year and it’s because I know myself and the one way to make sure I don’t do something is to write it down. I don’t have commitment issues, I just really don’t like being told what to do, that’s the Aries in me. While I don’t make resolutions, as an overthinker with nothing but time on my hands, I have taken the time to sit with myself and re-evaluate quite a bit of shit in my life lately and how I want to move forward. When we enter a new year, it’s a clean slate of sorts, a blank canvas to create the life we truly want and deserve to live. Go grab your favorite spirited beverage and relax while I share a few of the ways I’ll be living the best life I know for myself at this point.

During 2021, I began to find and use my voice, well, I knew it was there but still had fear of using it to the capacity I was blessed with. For most of my life and too many relationships, I remained silent even though I was breaking inside all out of fear of offending the other person and having them no longer speak to or leave me. I have come to learn I was doing a disservice to us both at that point because they didn’t know what an absolute asshole they were and I lost my entire sense of self all to appease someone who didn’t respect me enough to value what I had to say. I am no longer remaining silent when I don’t like an approach or any sort of aggression towards me, I have learned to move past the fear and knee jerk instinct to regress to a 5-year-old being chastised by their parent. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not out here looking for an argument and don’t raise my voice because Queens don’t need to get loud to make their point and stance clear.

One of the most important things I am doing in my life from this moment on is setting firm and clear boundaries. In the past, I called myself setting boundaries by merely ghosting people because I didn’t own that “No” is a complete sentence. In speaking with a friend the other day, they shared how they were going to just say “No” if asked to do something and I had such respect and admiration for this individual because I have envied that ability for so long. I have a tendency to attempt to say “No” with a lengthy (sometimes bullshit) explanation as to why I can’t do something and still end up doing it because I don’t want to make someone else feel some kind of way. I appreciate this person because they helped me understand that I don’t owe anyone anything as to why I’m not doing something. Again, Queen level shit and energy.

It wasn’t until I met coworker recently did I realize I tend to come off very judgmental. Yes, it’s taken a minute but I got a rude awakening by them as they were merely a mirror of myself and I didn’t like what I saw at all. This interaction was proof to me that GOD and the universe bring people into your life to shake the shit out of you for you to get it together. This is going to take quite a bit of conscious effort on my part because I am a very ‘particular’ person in most aspects of life. The bright spot for me is that this other person is not only judgmental but very close minded and didn’t take it too well when I used my voice to share such.

While I may seem to come off as judgmental, I am open minded and willing to see things from a different perspective. I now understand everyone, hell, very few, think the way I do but that’s not a bad thing because we’re snowflakes. Now, don’t get it twisted, there are some actions which will still get a side eye from me, some shit will never change such as: females who drink beer from the bottle or people who get loud and indignant in public places or those who are married/in a committed relationship and decide to stick their peen in or spread their legs for someone other than their Boo. I will maintain my composure when I see females my age with quite a few extra pounds stuffed into clothes from Forever21 ® to garner the attention of men or the males who use the same tired ass lines on female after female in an attempt to get their dang-a-lang wet that night. Ooops, shit, was that judgmental? I’m still a work in progress, told y’all it’s not easy, I just ask you show me some grace.

Probably the hardest issue for me to work on is the overthinking. If you are not an overthinker, you’ve no idea how exhausting this shit can truly be and it fuels my indecisiveness because I feel as though I have to run thru every single scenario to make a decision. Yeah, I’m a joy to take to a restaurant with a hefty menu. I have come to realize that if I keep thinking about the ‘what ifs’ in life, I’ll never see what can actually be.

There have been many opportunities I’m sure I’ve missed out on because I overthought to the point I come up with a nearly impossible outcome and that ended with 2021. I won’t be doing anything as spontaneous as jumping out of an airplane, I’m still extremely cautious but I will be stepping outside of my box and experiencing life as it was meant to be lived.

One thing I am no longer tolerating in my life is toxic relationships and I don’t care if you’re family, friend, lover, or coworker, if you bring bullshit to me, you gots to go! This Queen doesn’t have the tolerance, patience or energy for drama, we’re too old to still be acting like we’re in high school, I just can’t and won’t anymore. I know we won’t always agree on everything but if we can’t have a mature discussion about it, you don’t need to be in my space because this is where grown folks exist, take that nonsense back to the school yard with the children who of are your mental age.

On the very last day of 2021, we lost an iconic angel, Ms. Betty White. She was admired, respected and adored by millions of people because she was authentic, genuine, and kind to everyone. The one thing I admire most about her is that she lived her life and career on her terms, regardless of how others believed she should. I learned, upon her passing, that when she had her own variety show in 1954, she had a Black tap dancer by the name of Arthur Duncan on her show and her producers attempted to bully her into removing him from the show simply because he was Black. Ms. White pretty much gave them the finger by giving him even more air time because she wouldn’t let her morals be compromised for a check which spoke volumes about her character. There is an old adage that goes “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” and she stood tall and proud for integrity, equality, and justice. In a world full of Karens, be a Betty.

If you are able to find it in your heart, I ask that you pay homage to the late, great Ms. Betty White and take supplies such as food, toys, litter, and/or towels to your nearest animal shelter as she was a huge animal lover.

With tweaks and understandings of myself, my best life is continuing to load and I’m embracing the fact that 50 isn’t coming with a filter. Be the greatest version of yourselves, my lovelies, as you only have one life to live and should do it on your terms!