I can’t be silent

Hey, hey, Lovelies! I humbly apologize, in advance, but this isn’t going to be a light-hearted blog today and might be kinda heavy and triggering for some but I need to share this so that others are aware and gain an understanding of the threat, damage, and dangers of verbal and emotional/mental abuse.

What has prompted this message is what I’ve been seeing in the news and on social media about a super famous couple dealing with a divorce. The things I’ve seen are truly disturbing, triggering, and unsettling for me and way too many others. Their names are not important, the actions are. This couple shares children, have been having problems, and the wife decided she can’t do this shit anymore but the husband is having a problem accepting the fact his marriage is over and his wife doesn’t want him anymore so, he has begun tormenting his soon-to-be ex-wife.

To some, the female’s reactions to the threats and antics have been called “divorce theatrics” or they’re “suggesting she stay for the sake of her children and honor the commitment to GOD, family, and community”. Let me ‘splain something to you right now, while marriage may be GOD’s ideal, HE never meant for you to live a life of misery, stop suggesting women stay in abusive situations for your religious ignorance. Also, if you care so much about the children, think about what it’s like for them witnessing his treatment of their mother and the extended damage it will cause them. These sentiments are being shared by those who’ve not experienced what she’s going thru and are usually male originated. Oh, don’t misunderstand, there are some females who are criticizing her as well and boosting her husband up by saying she’s just a scorned woman who doesn’t realize how lucky she is to have this man showing his love for her. No, she is an abused woman who is trying to save her sanity, life, and children’s mental well-being.

For those of us who have been in her shoes, we are terrified for her because we know what she’s going thru, how it can escalate, and what the outcome could be. We are scared for her because, although what the world is seeing may seem like a lot, we know it barely scratches the surface of how much worse it is behind closed doors. We understand how unrelenting a scorned lover in denial of the end of the relationship can be and how they’ll do whatever it takes to inflict pain on us at whatever costs. An abuser doesn’t care what damage it causes their seeds because they have their lover in their crosshairs, doing whatever it takes to make them feel the pain they’re enduring thru fear.

We know this taunting and tormenting doesn’t stop because we are no longer with them, it continues well beyond the end of the relationship and has us looking over our shoulder in fear of them just popping up and possibly doing harm to us. When you deal with mental abuse from your partner, you know them and your fear is maximized because you really aren’t sure what they’ll do to have you back with them. Yes, while it’s true they never hit you, that was because you were still there with them, now that you’ve left, there’s no telling what actions their jilted heart will cause them to take.  

I spoke with my mother today about this situation and it’s truly heartbreaking that we spent a good amount of time discussing this at length because we’ve both been there. The more heartbreaking statement is that my mother endured both the physical and mental abuse, I just endured the mental and, what makes it sad is that I say “just the mental”. Some time ago, I spoke up about what I had been thru and was, pretty much, gaslit by my offender and told I didn’t experience anything I spoke of and needed to, basically, shut up because I was making him look bad.

Foolishly, I began to question my own memory, wondering if I was creating these scenarios, was I making this up, was I being dramatic, like, was I really trippin’? HELL NO! The shit happened and happened for years! I will not shut up about what I went thru because there are other women out there going thru it right now and if I can reach just one and let her know it’s not her fault, that’s what matters to me. That’s the thing about abusers, they break and isolate you, have you believing they are the only ones who love and accept you which causes you to rely solely on them because everyone else is against you. The person you love and promised to love you will belittle, disrespect, and shame you while having the audacity to tell you the reason they say the things and treat you the way they do is because they are just trying to help you live up to the potential they see in you.

I have been having conversations with other women who have been in my shoes and I tear up because we shouldn’t have to deal with this shit and especially not at the hands of the person who promised to never hurt us and always be our protector. I know many of you say “That would never happen to me. I’d never let someone break me, I’m too strong and confident. I’d leave the first time my partner ever did xyz”.

Baby, let me tell you, it ain’t that easy nor is it that plain and simple. One thing people don’t get is that this shit doesn’t happen overnight, this is not an instantaneous situation, it is a methodically slow process you never see coming or even realize you’re in until it’s too late to easily break free. Over time, they will be in charge of the finances because, as you are told, they want to relieve you of the stress of managing the money but this means you don’t have your own coins to leave = control. Every aspect of my life was controlled and I let it happened because I felt he loved and wanted what was best for me. While this may have been true, love shouldn’t hurt the way it did, love doesn’t make you get on anti-depressants to the point you’re emotionally numb to appease your partner and their friends/family, love doesn’t let ANYone disrespect you, love doesn’t give you body image issues. LOVE DOESN’T HURT SO BAD YOU’RE CRYING IN A CLOSET OUT OF FEAR YOU’LL UPSET THEM FURTHER WITH YOUR TEARS!!

A person never has to lay a finger on you to abuse you, remember that! They use their words to break you down, make you feel as though you’re not worthy of better treatment because you are the problem, criticize and never compliment no matter what you do right or wrong, and once they know they’ve broken your spirit, they use their bullying tactics to further control you. You may be blessed to have that one confidant, the person you feel you can go to for sympathy and understanding but, since your partner is so charming and charismatic outside of your home, your person never believes what you tell them or how bad it truly is. When this happens, you feel even more alone and believe deep down that you are the problem because everyone else absolutely adores them. Let me say it again and louder for those in the back:

YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Just like they love bombed and gaslit you, your loved ones are under their spell as well but you will find the strength to get from under it but, unfortunately and as you already know, it won’t be easy.

No matter how much it’s suggested or requested for me to shut up about this, I will not be silent about what I endured at the hands of someone who vowed to love and protect me because I am a survivor and my story deserves to be told and heard. I wish I had the magical answer to help every single person in this situation but I don’t, all I have is a listening ear, some words of advice, and a reassurance I am here for you because there weren’t many there for me and I felt utterly alone. I’m going to take that back, there would have been more there for me if I had only shared what I was going thru but I didn’t because I felt this was my marriage, all marriages had their issues, and I was the main cause of the problems in mine.

If you or someone you know is in a mentally or physically abusive situation, reach out to someone/be there for them, begin making plans to leave/open your home to them as a safe haven, be present in their every day life not just when they call in tears.

Be safe and great my loves!