Hey, hey, my Lovelies! For the last 3 months or so, I have been responsible for helping my eldest’s maintain her levels of sanity, anxiety, and stress as stable as possible as there have been some challenges with her recent move. The level of patience and understanding I show her has been criticized as I’ve been told I smother, coddle, and enable my children and they need to learn how to handle things on their own. I’m learning that no matter how many times I remind folks that I grew these humans, they still feel they have license to tell me how to rear and interact with them. At first, I thought I might actually be having a full-blown mental breakdown because their shit isn’t affecting me in the least anymore but then I remember and become grateful for all of the work I have put in myself to enable it all to roll off my back. I’m not having a mental breakdown, I’m merely growing and maturing and it feels damn good.
Anyone who was raised by a “Boomer” will be able to relate to how I was raised and was probably determined to raise their seeds differently. My mother was not my friend and told me so many times over the course of my young life, she was my mother, that was her only job and she took it very seriously. Yes, there were many times I wanted to go to my mother and share a crush I had on a boy or had a heartbreak or was bullied but that wasn’t our relationship and, to be honest, it hurt like hell. I used to wonder why she didn’t want to know about what was going on in my life but, as I got older, got married, had children, and struggled with my own trials and tribulations, I began to understand my mother a lot more. I wasn’t the easiest growing up and now recognize there were many years my mother probably thought I didn’t like her.
My mother went thru a lot of hell in her life but she never faltered in the area of turning my sister and me into responsible, respectful, independent women as that was her primary goal and responsibility, she didn’t have the space in her spirit to also be nurturing. I’d be telling a whole ass lie if I said it didn’t affect every single aspect of my life because it did but I am grateful for the iron fist she ruled with as we turned out a helluva lot better than some of our peers and family members. I’m sure she worried about my sister because she tested my mother’s willingness to sport that orange jumpsuit on a regular basis by seeing how far she could push every rule, boundary, and curfew.
On January 5, 2001, my life forever changed because, at the moment I looked at the positive pregnancy test, I knew it was no longer about me, it was about the little human I was growing and for whom I’d be responsible for the rest of my life. It amazes me how not every parent shares this sentiment, how they can be proud to say they’re a parent and receive gifts on the special days but have no real involvement in their child’s life while still living their life for themselves with their seed being an afterthought.
As I’ve stated before, none of us asked to be here, it was the decision of our mother whether we came into existence which is why I waited until I was almost 30 years old to consider bringing a child into this world. I knew at 26 – 29 I wasn’t ready to forego a pair of shoes, a cute outfit, or purse to buy diapers, formula, a crib, and everything else a baby requires. What most tend to overlook is that children are an absolute blessing and should be treated as such but they they don’t stop being a blessing or responsibility simply because they’ve turned 18, being a parent is an eternal experience.
When the reality of becoming a mother arose, I was determined to raise them differently than I had been raised while still using some of the lessons instilled in me by my mother, it was a very tricky and thin line to walk. I wanted to make sure they experienced a real childhood by playing outside, feeling loved, knowing I was always there, and not getting yelled at for merely being children but I also had to make sure they didn’t act like untrained monkeys due to a lack of discipline.
I never wanted my children to feel as though I didn’t like them, they’d always know I loved them but I wanted them to know I saw and heard them at all times, no matter how trivial a subject may seem to someone else, I sit and listen as they share their days with me. I was determined to actually know my children to the depths of their souls so they would feel comfortable sharing everything with me and never turning to their lil friends for advice.
I don’t know about you but I constantly question whether I’ve done right by my girls and that lack of confidence is only magnified by others telling me what to do with them and even telling me (and being very wrong) about who my children are. I can state with confidence that no one knows my children like I do as I am their ‘person’; the version they share with others is strongly guarded because they are aware others are merely going off the perception of who they believe and want them to be, never taking the time to actually get to know them. My oldest is very sensitive and emotional, hell, she’s her mother’s clone, did we expect anything different? With her being who and how she is, there are some who aren’t built to handle tears and get mad when she expresses her emotions which is why she comes to me, she doesn’t feel safe with others in that way.
I decided to take a week and help her move into her new place and was pleasantly surprised at the woman she is becoming; she’s financially mindful, knows what she wants in her home and how it will look. Spending a week with her was a great bonding experience and I learned even more about her thru our conversations but I also saw how much pain she carries within due to the lack of connection she has with other parts of her DNA. It was in that moment I began apologizing to her because I felt as though it was somehow my fault and realized that no matter how much I was there for her, I could never fill that void. In case you’ve never experienced it, when your child hurts, you hurt and if you don’t, please leave them alone because you’re only doing more damage by making their issues about you. In this aspect, I am grateful for having the father I did because when he would give me ‘advice’ it was never in the form of a lecture while reading off a task list of exactly what I needed to do, he just told me stories of his experiences that were similar to what I was going thru to show me shit happens to us all.
Let me state this, none of us are perfect humans which makes us even less perfect as parents as there is no handbook on how to do it, you are pretty much winging it to see what works best for your child. My upbringing was different depending on which parent I was with: my mother was all about rules, regulations, and boundaries while my father was about letting us be ourselves and learning lessons on our own but always there to catch us when our decisions went awry and Lord knows I made some shitty decisions that blew up in my face.
When raising children, you have to know your children as individuals as the discipline which works for one isn’t guaranteed to work for the other(s) as they’re as unique as snowflakes. I will admit I missed out on a great relationship with my mother for most of my life because, in a nutshell, I am her and extremely strong willed with it having to be my way or no way but we are proof it is never too late to mend a relationship, both parties just have to be willing and ready.
It’s sad how physically absent parents don’t do as much damage as those who are physically there but never present and wanting to know their seeds. As I promised when I saw those 2 pink lines, it doesn’t matter who you are to my children, if you hurt them, you will have to deal with me and have relinquished your right to be present in their lives, I will protect every part of their being until I take my last breath.
No matter how good, bad, indifferent your relationship with your seeds is, it’s not too late to sit down or call and ask about their day or how they’re feeling and actually listen to and retain what they tell you, open the door to making your relationship even better. When you decided to become a parent, you committed to being responsible for other human beings, make sure they’re good in all facets of their life: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You never stop being a parent.
