Month: August 2022

Hey, my Lovelies! I’m sure you’re all aware that I’m dollar bill single as I feel as though I’m always using that term but the truth of the matter is, I’ve not always truly embraced all that phrase embodies. While it’s true I’ve been single a while, much longer than is comfortable for my mother at this point, I was faking the funk of being happy about it. I believe the mask of happiness I wore was due to finally being free of the toxic situation I got out of to proudly say I was happily divorced but, was I really happy as a single person after having been a part of a couple for over a decade?

If I’m being honest, no as I’ve always considered myself as a companion type of person, someone who functions better in a committed relationship than solo dolo but soul searching and healing has truly changed that perspective for the better for me.

If it were 15 – 20 years ago, the conversations between my sister and I would be in a 180 position as she was once the eternally single person while I was married Susie Homemaker raising the two little girls I prayed my whole life for. But, it’s not almost 2 decades ago and a lot has changed within that time and me, I’m now the single sister adjusting to being an empty nester while looking like the crazy cat lady while she’s enjoying marital bliss raising a fat, aging Chihuahua and mixed breed puppy who thinks she’s human. Unlike some divorcees, I am not bitter nor opposed to getting married again, I just know to make much better choices the next time around because the first time I was young and stupid with the belief he was my only chance of getting married.

There are pros and cons to being single as well as being married but, right now, I’m reveling in the perks of singlehood. When you’re single, if you want to walk around looking like death run over for 4 days straight without hearing moans of disgust, you can as the only person you scare is yourself when you walk by a mirror. I have the luxury of choosing when I want to go to bed and if I want to use half of it for decorative pillows and snacks with my cats being in heaven because the end of the bed is their domain. I have the privilege of watching whatever I want on TV, all remotes are mine and mine alone to control how and when I choose. I have the honor of drinking my dinner if I so choose without hearing “What’s for dinner?” and being expected to eat or cook. I’m not even going to start on the amount of closet space you have for your clothes, shoes, purses, and other accessories as this may be the downfall when I get into a committed relationship and he’s forced to use the closet in another room for his belongings.

And, speaking of clothes and shoes, you don’t have to hear anyone’s mouth when the daily Amazon® packages show up at the door with your necessities. This next pro is one my sister will wholeheartedly agree with: when you’re single, you don’t have to share your snacks. When I wake up, my home looks as it did when I went to sleep, I don’t have to clean up behind someone who’s horrible aim never seems to get their draws in the hamper or who possesses the inability to put a dish in the dishwasher.

The cons of being single are that you don’t have someone to snuggle with and binge watch shows on any given weekend. When you’re single and have a bad day, you don’t have anyone to come home and complain to and have them comfort you to make you forget about the shitty people you work with. Sex! Unless you’re doling it out like Halloween candy to anyone who looks your way, you’re not getting it on a regular basis or at least have the option laying in bed next to you nightly. There are no date-nights or couple’s events to attend as you’re not a part of a couple. While there may be cons to being single, they don’t outweigh the amount of peace I’ve gained from not having someone irritate and stress me out over petty shit.

In communicating and getting to know other single people, I’m learning there’s a difference in those who’ve been married/in long term committed relationships and those who’ve never been truly committed. Those who’ve always been single have a different understanding on what a boundary is and how to institute it. As someone who has been married, I don’t have inappropriate conversations with someone else’s spouse as I damn sure wouldn’t have that same conversation if their spouse were standing there which means it’s never okay, I understand that but have learned others don’t.

I also know what it means to respect your partner when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I’ve nothing against my Boo having female friends as long as there are boundaries in place and he respects them as well as ensuring they are respected by others. I have met a couple of people who believe that their ‘friends’ can behave as they’d like because their partner isn’t there to see it which is equivalent to What they don’t know won’t kill them and that’s a different level of disrespect and disloyalty that I don’t have time to deal with. I need to be with someone who respects me and us more when I’m not around and not believe that because I don’t see it, it’s fine because everything done in the dark comes to light and then I’m picking up the pieces of my broken heart yet again due to someone else’s inconsideration.  

While I’m not opposed to one, I am no longer seeking a relationship just not to be alone as I’m good being single as I’m enjoying my peace and not having to deal with someone’s unhealed, mentally juvenile son disrupting it with their toxicity. I am no longer willing to deal with the responsibility of putting my heart back together after some raggedy ass dude claimed he was ready and realized he wasn’t worthy of all I am and have to offer. I will own with every fiber of my being that I am a lot, my parents raised me with a certain set of standards I will not compromise on as I’ve compromised in the past and looked like Boo-Boo the Fool crying over some dusty ass dude who wasn’t worthy of all I am and have to offer.

I also expect a lot but will never expect what I am not willing to give and too many people don’t live by that same principle. There are many who are a lot to handle and require even more of their partner without an even give and take, my life doesn’t work that way.

There are a lot of singles who turn to dating sites to find their partner but that is not me as I watched too much Catfish® to risk wearing that orange jumpsuit because someone lied. The number of online dating horror stories I hear and know people are still running to them for salvation and companionship only to constantly get disappointed with the realization most of these sites are filled with people only looking to hook up, no one on there is truly looking for their life partner, just a way to get their dang-a-lang/kitty cat wet. I believe that most people go on there with the hopes of finding something real but that’s, unfortunately, not the society we live in anymore, too many are all about self with no consideration to the damage they are causing others by lying just to get laid or play another person, y’all can keep that bullshit.

If you are happily married, I am happy for you but if you are in a marriage where you feel lonely more than connected and loved, I weep for you. Having the ability to take the time to heal from past situations, I no longer feel like a failure because I’m single, I now feel like a warrior because I have survived and continue to thrive on my own without settling for a lackluster situation just not to be alone.  A few years ago, once I’d begun to heal, my mother saw a selfie I took and commented on my smile, stating it was different and I replied, “The smile you were used to wasn’t because I was happy, it was because a picture was being taken. The smile you see here is the peace I didn’t have for so long”. And, truth be told, the smile I currently display is different than 3 years ago as I’m rid of toxic situations which were, unbeknownst to me at the time, suffocating my authentic self.

The most important thing you have to understand is that being single is not a sin nor punishment, it’s a blessing but it’s up to you to see the opportunities within it to appreciate all it has to offer. Once you are okay with being single, your standards and tolerance of what you will accept will be raised and you won’t tolerate anyone lower than that bar to disturb your peace.  Be great, my Lovelies! 

Hey, hey my Lovelies! It feels like it’s been a whole minute since we’ve connected but, as you all know, life continues to happen and sometimes it’s a greater speed than we’re prepared for. As much as I’d love to say, and my family would love to hear, that I’ve been busy staying turnt up, I’ve just been busy and occupied with work and my daughters but that’s how my life is built right now and I’m totally fine with it as that’s where my focus needs to be at the moment.

This past week, we had a retreat at work and I got the opportunity to have general conversations with our board members and it was a great experience. One day at lunch, we began discussing reality survival shows and the things these contestants endure for clout. The discussion soon turned to what each of us would bring to the table in the event of an apocalypse and my spoiled ass blurted out “FEAR” as I’m extremely conditioned to and comfortable with my first world luxuries.

Per usual, I took time to process this whole conversation after the retreat was over as I was ‘voted off the island’ at lunch by bringing fear to the situation. Am I the handiest person? That would be a generous Hell No but I can make things work if need be. I was raised to know how to do things on my own so I would never have to depend on a man to put a bookcase together or change my oil but that doesn’t mean I like it. Now, I’ve never had the urge to hunt, kill, clean, and cook my own dinner and my limited palette is where I’d struggle as I don’t currently have the heart to eat a bunny or squirrel but tough times call for tough decisions. Give me a moment while I thank GOD for my lifestyle…………….

As I processed my inability to survive an apocalypse, I realized my parents didn’t raise me to die during the opening credits of a horror movie, they raised me to do whatever it takes to survive. After a little more thought, I can now say that, if my daughters were with me during this dark period, I’d do whatever humanly possible to make sure we all survive even if it means killing Thumper for dinner.

It’s amazing what you will do to make sure your babies are okay and, sometimes, that just means surviving yourself so you can continue to be there for them and I am that mother.

Being the overthinker I am, my mind refused to stop at surviving the end of humanity and honed in on my word of choice: FEAR. I began to think about how that teeny tiny four-letter word drives our lives in ways we’d never imagine. There are times where I view being afraid of something as more common sense than fear, for example: I love sharks but know better than to jump in a shark cage to get face to face with them in the middle of the ocean. I have said before that LOVE is the scariest emotion because we have no control over it but FEAR runs a close second because we can’t get out of our own way to face our fears and enjoy all life has to offer.

How many times have you considered taking a chance on love, a big move, or dream job but talked yourself out of it due to the fear of rejection or getting hurt? Personally, I can’t even come up with a number because I’m too comfortable in my box to take a chance and run the risk of looking stupid or getting hurt yet again. Yes, I am the same person who was raised by the adage of “nothing beats a failure but a try” and I have tried some things but there are many others I’m good with never experiencing and letting die by the wayside.

Have you ever dealt with a narcissist? What most fail to understand is that romantic partners aren’t the only narcissists in our lives as they could be a family member, coworker, or friend; narcissists come in all forms and genders. When you’re in relationship with a narcissist, it’s run solely by fear as they know the one thing which would break you is no longer being with them and they use it to their advantage at every turn. Being in an unhealthy relationship will have you sacrificing every part of who you are to appease someone who has proven time and time again they don’t give two shits about you and your feelings, they care about the control they have over you and the relationship. When I share stories from my marriage, people always ask me why I stayed so long and my initial response is that I didn’t want him to leave me. Pardon me while I take a moment to thank Jesus for growth, maturity, healing, and getting out of that shit show.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, lied to, broken, betrayed, or abandoned by someone you loved with everything you are, you’ll be hesitant and cautious when a real one comes into your life. Fear will cause you to overthink everything about this person and you’ll ask yourself questions, pondering their genuineness and authenticity which will cause you to miss out on the awesomeness of their being. Having experienced heartbreak, you promised yourself you’d never let anyone close enough to hurt you again which makes you pause when you feel happiness with this person as you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and refusing to be okay with there not even being another shoe, they are who they are and who you asked and waited for but fear has you stuck and sabotaging this good thing.

There is actually a good aspect to having experienced heartbreak as you, hopefully, took the time to heal and learn what you will and won’t put up with as well as what you deserve.  If you push fear aside and give this person a chance, what’s the worst that could happen? Yes, there is a chance it may not work out but what if it does? And, if it doesn’t, it’s okay, you’ve already proven that you will survive and are in a better place to heal this time around.

While love and fear are both strong emotions, you actually have control over fear as it’s your choice as to whether or not you face it, love doesn’t give you the option, it just kicks down the door and pimp smacks the shit out of you. I had a conversation with someone before who said “You don’t choose who you fall in love with” and, to an extent, I agree whole heartedly but, on the flip side of that, you have to give people a chance to get close enough to fall in love with them, example: how many people do you know who have seen the same crackhead in passing and fallen in love with them? I have pushed fear aside and ignored my gut feeling to give someone a chance, got sucked into believing them when they said they ‘weren’t like the rest’, and ended up looking stupid as hell when they were every bit of the other pieces of shit they claimed not to be like. I have overlooked red flags by saying they were pink which, somehow, justified me giving them chance after chance after they continued to show me who they were. Oh, how foolish and ignorant we can be when it comes to the possibility of love.

Thru my self-love expedition, I’ve become more self-aware and learned a whole lot about myself. When it comes to love, I’m not fearful, I just don’t have time, tolerance, or patience for the same bullshit that’s been spewed at me for decades. I am at the point in my life where I’m not okay with being in a situationship, with someone who isn’t willing to share their world with me and vice versa, with someone who thinks it’s okay to have me as secret, someone who doesn’t respect or appreciate me, and I damn sure am not settling for a friends with benefits or side piece situation. I was not put on this earth and raised the way I was to be treated as anything less than the phenomenal Queen I am, I’m a grown ass woman and worthy of nothing less than a grown ass relationship with someone who is worthy of all I have to offer, anything less can keep it moving. I have no fear of love as I know how wonderful and amazing it can be, I have a fear of settling for anything or anyone just to not be single. Trust me when I tell you, being single has a lot of perks and so much less stress than being in a relationship which isn’t serving you properly, you glow differently.

Your life is constantly created by the choices you make and it’s based off your decisions, not those influenced by others as it’s not their life to live, it’s yours. Be great, my Lovelies!