Month: June 2024

Hey, my lovelies! How y’all been doing? Since our last convo, Father’s Day has come and gone. I will openly admit that I had totally forgotten about it until I was confused by my boss’s travel plans for that weekend. I couldn’t fathom why he would fly home on Friday and then return to DC on Monday, felt like such a waste until my colleague said, “That’s Father’s Day weekend” and I was like, damn, I have totally removed this from my mind as my father has passed away and the father of my children is not worth celebrating and add to that I am free of human disappointment so it was just another weekend to me. For those who are worthy of celebrating, I sincerely hope you were loved and doted on while you cooked on the grill that weekend and to those who don’t do shit for their children all year, I hope you felt the impact of your actions when you didn’t even receive a Happy Father’s Day message.

A couple of months ago, a question was posed to women and their response has been flooding social media but instead of us being seen and heard, we (women) have been disrespected by anger filled responses by men because they weren’t the chosen subject of the answer to the question. The question posed to random women is: If you are in the forest alone, which would rather encounter, a strange man or bear? When women damn near unanimously chose the bear, males became angry and inconsolable which is disappointing to say the least. If you’ll allow me to take a few moments of your time, I will share why I will choose the bear every single time.

Let’s begin by looking at some statics: An estimated 91% of victims of rape & sexual assault are female and 9% male. Nearly 99% of perpetrators are male; at least 1 in every 3 women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. Most often the abuser is a member of her own family or her partner. I’d like for you to do something for me really quick to help this sink in a little better: think of 3 female family members and understand at least 1 of them is a part of the aforementioned stat. There are over 433,000 cases of sexual assault or rape annually in the U.S. among people ages 12 and older, every 68 seconds, another American is sexually assaulted and these are only the ones which are reported. Now, let’s discuss bear attacks, shall we? Since 1784 there have been 66 fatal human/bear conflicts by wild black bears. Less than a dozen non-fatal conflicts happen each year, and the vast majority of encounters end with zero bodily contact. Why? Because black bears are far more likely to run away from you than engage.

Now that we have the technical aspects out of the way, let’s move onto personal experiences which leads to the adoration of the bear. If, GOD forbid, I were to ever encounter a bear in the woods, it would go 1 of 2 ways: he’d either maul and kill me or run, period. Yes, there’s a possibility I’d die, a rather slim one but still could happen, but that’s the worse the bear could do to me. A bear wouldn’t violate my body and tell his friends I wanted it regardless of how many times I said NO and begged him to stop. I wouldn’t have to see the bear at social functions and act as though nothing ever happened. I wouldn’t be accusatorily questioned about what I was wearing or why was I alone with the bear or how much did I have to drink or why was I trying to ruin a good bear’s reputation by accusing him of violating me or insinuate that I was lying because he had rejected me.

If I were attacked by a bear, I would be believed that it happened but, unfortunately, that’s not the case when you attempt to report a sexual assault which is also why so many go unreported. Do you know what it’s like to have someone you trust take advantage of their strength and violate you? The reality is most sexual assaults aren’t committed by strangers, they are dates, friends we believed would never harm us or even looked at us that way, family members, and even spouses. Yeah, where’s that bear, I’d like to just sit with him because I feel safer beside him right now.

I will proudly own that I am what is known as a Momma bear because you mess with my daughters and I’m bringing hell with me to handle you just as mother bear would do for her cubs. We are under the impression it’s only the mothers who protect their cubs at all costs but I dare you to even look at a bear cub when its father is near because that ass whooping may actually be far worse than what the female would do to you.

This is another reason I would choose the bear because regardless of gender, that bear parent will protect their babies at all costs, they wouldn’t belittle them when they’re having a bad day nor gaslight them into believing the lack of presence in their lives was a figment of their imagination nor throw a tantrum like a tyrannical toddler because their children are sick of their shit and standing ten toes deep on their boundaries of no contact. A bear cub doesn’t have to hold on to the last shred of dignity by hoping for a true parent – child relationship with their parent all while being made to feel as though they’re not enough but still manage to have a delusional mindset that same parent will realize what an asshole they’ve been and do a 180 to repair their relationship. The bear is always concerned about the safety of their offspring, never would they put them in a position to have no way of reaching out for help. If the bear mommy and daddy don’t work out, it’s not taken out on the cubs, they are never innocent casualties in the dysfunctional relationship.

The responses of women choosing the bear should have been the lightbulb for men to realize we don’t feel safe around them because so many of your counterparts have traumatized us in one way or another. But, alas, the responses I’ve seen and heard have been disgusting and vile as some men are giddy at the concept of being able to watch a woman being mauled by a bear. Instead of taking a look inside and reflecting on their patterns and behaviors, men have gotten angry because they weren’t chosen over a bear.  At no time have they heard us.

I will say that it did click with some men when it was asked whether they’d want their daughter alone in the woods with a bear or a random man because even they know how vile their gender can be. Sadly, you also have the other side of that coin which is the men who never treasured their daughters and the first thing they’d say is “Well, she shouldn’t be in the woods, she deserves what she gets”.

For some unknown reason, men can’t seem to grasp our utter frustration and exhaustion when it comes to just leaving the house. As selfish as it may sound, women revel in the thought of what it would be like to have a mere 24 hours without a single man walking the earth and because I love y’all, I’ll share a glimpse with you: we’d be able to wear the clothes we want whether it be a crop top, mini skirt, sundress, etc. without having to worry about crude comments and unwanted advances from the opposite sex; the freedom to take a walk at night without fear of getting snatched and assaulted; being able to walk down the street without being told “You should smile”; being able to enjoy a night out with our friends without having to worry about some dude trying to grind on us while we’re enjoying the music on the dance floor; going to a bar and being able to leave our drink unattended because there’s no one waiting for us to turn our back so they can slip a roofie in it; sitting on a park bench while enjoying the weather and a good book without being interrupted by someone’s dusty ass son taking it as an opportunity to disturb our peace.

No, I am not saying all men possess this behavior or mentality but, unfortunately, the vast majority do and those who don’t do it have friends and family members who go unchecked for their behavior. As imperfect as he may have been, I had a Daddy in my life who schooled me on the behaviors of men so I would be aware and not fall victim to them but, unfortunately, a couple fell thru the cracks because I led with my heart instead of instinct and knowledge. Regardless of whether you have daughters or not, you have a mother who is also a female who’s dealt with this type of behavior. I’m going to step down off my soap box as I’ve held you long enough but I have a simple ask of you: if you do nothing else, take a moment to let all of this sink in with the understanding of what women have to deal with every moment of their lives. We do not ‘ask’ for it by wearing a certain type of clothing or accepting a date with you, we are just trying to live our best life and, far too often, that’s brought to a screeching halt because some prick believed that because he was horny, we were his for the taking, our fears and feelings were never taken into consideration. Be great my loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! Apparently, I can’t walk, talk, and chew bubble gum at the same time because I’ve not kept up this end of my New Year’s goals by being more present here while attempting to work a full-time job and start a baking business. While I am enjoying the baking part of the business and seeing the smiles on the faces of those who purchase my products, attempting to run the business side sucks ass for me but I have loved ones working with me where I lack and, for that, I’m grateful that I’m able to continue the legacy of my Nana thru baking. I ask that you show me a little grace while I balance out the baking and connecting with y’all, I’ll get it together soon.

We’ve had a few holidays/dedicated months, hell, I’ve even had a birthday since I’ve last posted and I will not even attempt to squeeze all of them into this one blog, you already know that’s not my style. With Mother’s Day having recently passed, that is where my focus will be today, not the day itself but the beings who are celebrated. Grab your beverage of choice, relax, and let’s get the convo started, shall we?

As a mother of two beautiful daughters who are, literally, the reasons I breathe, I’ve come to realize how selfish I was when I chose to bring them into this world. Yes, I said selfish because they didn’t ask to be here, I wanted them but with that desire to be a mother, it is also my responsibility to make sure their lives are nothing short of heavenly on this earth. Have I always had the financial means to materialistically spoil them? Absolutely not and, even if I did, it wasn’t going to happen as I refuse to raise entitled brats who don’t appreciate the smaller things in life as I know too many adults who equate happiness to their amount of material possessions while their lives and spirits are absolute dumpster fires.

Being a mother is the hardest, lowest paying job I’ve ever had in my life but it also the most rewarding and fulfilling one at the same time. I have embraced every phase of motherhood from peeing on the stick to hearing their first cries to watching them take their first steps all while reveling in being blessed to experience their little personalities develop as they grow and mature. Were there some rough times? Hell yeah and still are! You can’t be the parent of daughters and think every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows because they will stomp all over that misconception while giving you the look of “Annnnnnnnduh?!” They will test your gangster and have you willing to wear prison orange but then you look at them and recognize the blessings they are. Have I sat in my anger? Yep, sure have but the blame wasn’t on them as I’m the parent and I’m supposed to set the example and guide/teach them how to effectively communicate and when I don’t, neither do they. Please note that I can only speak on having daughters, not sure if the struggle is the same with sons but, those girls?!

Who I am as a mother is who my children need me to be just as every other mother is who she is and, while I never claim to be the perfect mother, there are behaviors of some other mothers I do not agree with. As I stated earlier, I selfishly chose to bring forth life into this world, it’s not on them that they are here and, regardless of their age, they need me and/or my resources which I gladly provide. There are some mothers I know who believe with their whole chest that because they provided food, shelter, and clothes for their child from birth to 18 years old that this child now owes them for the rest of their life and should cater to every whim, regardless of price or inconvenience. Ummmm, no ma’am, that’s not how this works, children are not an investment which matures at 18 that you can pull out money and expensive gifts from simply because you laid down for a few moments of ecstasy or just a couple pumps and created life.

It is also believed that your child owes you respect and, to a degree, that is true but you also have to be respectable, just because you gave them life doesn’t mean you can be an utterly inconceivable asshole and treat your child like shit and say, “But I’m your mother, you will respect me!” If you have to threaten someone into respecting you, you don’t deserve that respect. To me, that’s equivalent to a crack head telling their child, “I’m your mother, you owe me respect” after this child has seen her strung out and doing a lot of strange things for that little white rock. The title of mother is one of respect, admiration, and dignity, it is not license to be reckless with your child and demand they respect a title you, personally, shat all over.  We teach our children how to stand up for themselves against bullies and those who mean them harm but then turn around and punish them for doing exactly as they were taught when we become their bully? How much sense does that make?

We all have different ways of doing everything in life and parenting is no exception. There will be people who don’t make the same choices you would have made when it comes to rearing a child but to share your unwarranted advice and opinions does more damage than good because you’ve now made that person feel like a bad parent or as though they are doing it wrong. There has not been one time a new parent has left the hospital with a newborn and a handbook on how to handle everything that will happen in life, we’re all figuring this shit out as we go and just because you were in my shoes 5, 10, or 30 years ago doesn’t make you the end all be all of mothering because you didn’t birth my children, I did.

There will come points in motherhood that, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to heal your inner child while raising your own. I say this to mean, our children are nothing more than little pieces of us, they carry the same characteristics, mannerisms and, unfortunately, traumas as we do, it’d be impossible for them not to. All of us have experienced some sort of trauma in our lives that we never worked thru and, more times than not, it’s because we weren’t taught how, I know I wasn’t as I was taught to “get over it” or “stop being so sensitive” and act as though nothing was wrong. Just a simple word of advice: actually sit and have conversations with your child about their feelings about situations because not doing so TRULY screws up human beings and their ability to be able to forge healthy relationships in their life.

I am a GenXer who was raised by a Boomer which means my mother was raised with sternness and little nurturing which gave birth to the mindset of “just do what you’re told and don’t make me look bad” and “I’m not your lil friend, I don’t care if you’re sad because someone hurt your feelings, get over it and make sure your space is clean” and this child rearing trickled down to my generation. For me to be bitter or resentful towards my mother would be unfair as she was only able to give me what she had, I can’t fault her for that but I can and am doing differently with my children because that cycle needs to be broken somewhere.

As most know, my mother’s and my relationship was strained for decades which broke my father’s heart and he’d say, “You only have one mother” with the expectation I’d forgive her regardless of what she said or did and, truth be told, I did which didn’t help my mental health. While it’s true we only get one mother, we don’t all get the ones who nurture our spirits, some of us get the ones who teach us where our strengths are by being our first op/bully. Some may not be strong enough to set firm boundaries with a toxic parent because, well, they are our first homes and we only get one, right? But your strength will be revealed and grow when you choose to show up differently for your children than you received as a child. Show up for your babies the way you wish someone had shown up for you. Be great, my loves!