Hey, my lovelies! I know I am falling short of keeping my word to stay more connected and it’s not even because life has been life-ing, it’s more like my mind has been in a constant swirl of thoughts I can’t really piece together. I guess this is what happens when you are in your healing girl era and stay to yourself with an overthinking brain but, I actually welcome it. Does it get muddy and overwhelming sometimes? It absolutely does but at this stage of my life and journey, I’m able to sit and process which kind of sorts the thoughts into categories to easier deal with. The current consuming thought I have is value so, grab your beverage of choice and let’s sort this one out together.
My sister and I were recently chatting about our pet peeves and I will own that a couple of mine have me driving the bus to hell but I stand 10 toes deep on what annoys me about other people. In case you’re wondering, one of mine is people smacking while they eat and if they start making noises and I can hear them breathing too? Yeah, I’m catching a charge that day.
Thru this chat session, I told her this is why I would be nervous if my partner ever read our text/chat convos because some of them worry me and she said that’s why I need to be up front and my authentic self when meeting my potential partner because she knows I’ve shrunk myself and dimmed my light in hopes someone would choose to be with me in the past. I reassured her that’s not who I am anymore, who you see and meet is who I am, I don’t have the time to stroke someone’s ego by appearing meek. I’ve come to realize thru my healing that what used to excite the unhealed parts of me now disgust me, what I used to put up with and tolerate will now get you cussed smooth out.
Through my own experiences, as well as witnessing what others go thru/put up with/tolerate, I now see that, for majority of my life, I didn’t know my own value and sacrificed so much of myself in hopes someone would acknowledge what I couldn’t see. Crazy, right? I have come to learn what it looks and feels like when another person sees and appreciates your value because I experienced far too often what it is like when they don’t. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships; it covers familial as well as friendships because you shouldn’t just be valued by the person you’re laying down and sharing your body with.
For most of my life, I didn’t value myself because I was never taught that I had value just by being myself, there was only value when I was attached to a man. I was raised by a woman who didn’t know her own value and endured physical/mental/emotional abuse, blatant disrespect, betrayal, and infidelity from various partners. I witnessed my mother suffer physical abuse at the hands of my father, clean her wounds, and return to being the ‘perfect’ wife who cooked, cleaned, and tended to the children and her husband all while holding down a full-time job.
As a teenager, I watched my mother be a subservient wife who catered to a man who was more community peen than a husband which she knew but stayed and became more meek and quiet about his escapades while keeping a smile on her face to give the impression their marriage was perfect. This one baffled me as I was a teenager who was on the receiving end of a woman who didn’t take any shit and ruled with an iron fist but wouldn’t even raise her a voice at a man who publicly disrespected her by sleeping and being seen with other women. I watched as she served this man every meal in bed before we ate, cooked, cleaned, ran all of the errands, and anything else she could do to make his already cushy life easier in the hopes he’d see how valuable she was and choose her over his other women and, what did that get her? Divorced for a second time with her value never being acknowledged by either of them.
I came to realize I fell into the same pattern as I got married because I believed that the only way I’d have any value was by being someone’s wife. I stayed in a less than perfect marriage while I endured mental, emotional, and verbal abuse because I thought that was a part of marriage and I was the problem. I know now that I wasn’t the problem but I stayed, swallowed the fire inside myself as to not upset my husband, got on antidepressants, and tried the impossible task of keeping a spotless home with young children living in it in the hopes he would see and value me. Yes, I know, I became my mother and anyone who knows me understands how much of a cringe reality that is for me but, unfortunately, the similarities do not end there.
After my divorce, I had a couple of ‘relationships’ where I repeated the same pattern of being a doormat just so someone would see me as non-confrontational and understanding of all the shit they put me thru. I even apologized to someone for using my voice which had previously been stifled and he got butt hurt and cut off communication with me for 18 months. I can laugh now because I see how pitiful I truly was but it wasn’t funny when I spent many nights soaking my pillow with tears over a man who never valued me.
I have always been determined to instill in my daughters their worth and value of their own. I have never urged my daughters to seek relationships to feel whole because if you go into it as half a person, you’re never going to be whole and will just break your own heart trying to keep a relationship that never stood a chance afloat. In true motherly fashion, I want more for my daughters than I ever had and sometimes worry that I’ve not done enough but they proudly prove me wrong. One instance of proof I’m doing okay with them: my oldest video called me crying as her crush showed what a piece of run over dog shit he truly was and I tried to console her thru the tears and pain but her sister had another method. I thought she was oblivious to the convo as she was scrolling thru social media but, without even raising her eyes from her phone, she matter-of-factly said, “It’s 2021, we don’t cry over men”. The tone in which that statement was made silenced both of us and hit me hard because I had been crying over someone at that time but she snapped me to reality.
When you are valued in a relationship, you will never question where you stand with or what you are to them, they will make sure you have clarity at all times; they won’t gaslight or breadcrumb you to merely keep you around. A person who values you will allow and encourage you to grow and get to know you all over again. Someone who values you will never be okay with watching you struggle in any way and do what they can to make your life easier in all areas. When someone values you, they hear when you are silent as they know something is wrong and will work with you to help you thru whatever is going on, no matter how big or small it may be.
When you are valued by your partner, no one else will be able to get their attention because they know what they have in you and that is enough for them. So many claim they cheat because they weren’t in a good place with their partner but the reality is, they didn’t value you enough to work thru the issues and keep it in their pants. Being valued by someone is apparent by their consistent effort to be with you, they won’t be able to go days/weeks/months without speaking to you and, even in this text driven society, they will pick up the phone to hear your voice.
Many feel that because their partner spends money on them that they are in turn seeing their value but your worth/value doesn’t have a monetary amount, it’s when someone sees and accepts you for who and how you are. Something to keep in mind is not all rings are given with love, some are given merely to shut you up. There are people I know who believe that because they drive a fancy car, wear $2k shoes, or only shop at high priced boutiques that it means they’re valuable and that too is a lie. It doesn’t matter how many high dollar material items you possess, it doesn’t make you a better person and, in my experience, those types of people are usually the most miserable souls you’ll ever encounter.
The reality is that it doesn’t matter how many tricks you know in the bedroom to make someone’s toes curl, if you clean better than Molly Maid, prepare meals better than Gordon Ramsay, how many times you overlook their betrayal and disrespect by sharing their body with others, or are sitting on a pile of cash willing to Sugar Mommy/Daddy your way into a relationship, it’s not going to make anyone see the value in you because none of that is what makes you valuable. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do for someone, it will never be enough if they don’t value you. We are all valuable simply because we exist, one should never shrink themselves so it’s easier for another person to swallow them. Know your value and never settle for someone who doesn’t see or appreciate you as you are. Be great, my loves!
