Hey, my lovelies! Did ya miss me?
I hope all has been well in your lives, for me, life has been life-ing a lil bit but nothing more than I can handle. Today, we celebrate our first home, the woman who sacrificed the original placement of her organs so we may grow and thrive, the one who sacrificed many sleepless nights to make sure we were good, we celebrate our mothers. Just as my Father’s Day posts are not directed towards deadbeat dads, this one is not for the egg donors nor those who see their blessings as annoyances. This is for the women who, whether she birthed them or not, sacrificed sleep, energy, patience, time, and money just to see the joy on a little one’s face who was in her care and heart.
I was asked by my boss if I was going to be spending time with my daughters and I can only spend time with one as the other lives 900 miles away and then I said something he deemed controversial. I stated that when my girls were younger, I didn’t want to spend the day with them and that’s not me being a selfish mom, it’s a woman who merely desired one day to herself. Back when they were younger, I didn’t have the financial means to get a hotel room and just veg but they have a father so, away they went. Yes, the handcrafted gifts are precious and something I have always treasured and really didn’t expect nor require a pricey gift as my gifts were two healthy daughters. Did I enjoy the breakfast in bed which my children ‘helped’ create? Not so much because by the time it got up to me, it was cold and the girls were in my face while I ate, taking pieces of my bacon. I know, it sounds ungrateful, right? It really isn’t as we mommy 364 days out of the year and just want that 365th day to ourselves to try to remember who we are as a person and not just their mother.
A few years ago, I was told by someone very close to me that I’m not a real mother as my children were delivered via c-section and I never experienced actual childbirth. To me, that is the most ignorant statement one mother can make to another; to demean one and negate the fact she had major surgery where she and/or her child may not survive to bring that life forth? My recovery time was weeks and had to be done all while getting up at all hours of the night and day to take care of a newborn baby, I couldn’t even go up and down stairs more than 3 times a day for 2 weeks due to my incision but, hey, I’m not a real mom, right?
I say it all the time as it will never change: they don’t send you home with an instruction manual on what to do and expect as a parent to a newborn, you have to wing it and do what works for you and that individual child. There are some moms who bring home babies with colic and cry for hours on end, there are moms who have multiple births of children with total opposite sleeping and eating patterns, some moms have dads in the house while others go home to do it all on their own solo, hell, some of the married moms are single mothers as the fathers still live their lives as though nothing has changed and the mom does everything on her own for their child. No one mother, who is involved and present in their child’s life, is different than the next, we all have our ups and downs and are figuring this shit out on the fly each and every day.
I didn’t, technically, start my motherhood journey as a single woman but, through divorce, I became one and, sadly, it wasn’t much of a difference as I was the caretaker, the boo-boo kisser, the one who got up in the middle of the night, the one the doctors knew because I was the one who took them, the clothes and toys buyer, the hairdresser, the bedtime story reader, the soft and safe place when they were having a bad day, the initial disciplinarian, chauffeur, and the maid who washes, folds, puts away all clothes all while keeping a semi-clean house. And, if the house or the children weren’t pristine without a wrinkle in their clothes, a hair out of place, or toys on the floor, we’re deemed as lazy women who don’t take care of home or seeds.
As women, I believe it’s innate because, no matter how tired, stressed, drained, or even if we’re in pain, we may not always know what to do when a new situation arises but we figure it out because we know that if we don’t, we are jeopardizing the life and well-being a little human who GOD entrusted us with. This is not a knock to fathers but I don’t believe they have it as strong as women because they know we are there and will do whatever it takes to make sure our seeds are good.
As a mother and a daughter who is on my healing journey, I have struggled for years in my relationship with my own mother but I am now gaining an understanding that I wanted from her something she just wasn’t capable of giving me. I resented my mother for about 4 decades because she wasn’t the mother I wanted and expected her to be but now I see and understand she did the best she could with the place she was in during different stages of my life. There are a few things I brought forward from my upbringing with my mother that I use with my own daughters but there are many more that I refused to institute with them and this is the one thing that still causes issues and arguments between me and her regardless of how far we’ve come.
I do my best to be the person for my daughters that I didn’t have and needed growing up and, apparently, that ruffles feathers. I was raised with the belief to want more for our seeds than we had and am determined to give it to them in any way I can. I have always, and will continue to, made a conscious effort to communicate with my children in a way which doesn’t make them feel judged regardless of how minor it may seem to me because, if it’s big enough to affect their mental health, it’s important to me. When one or both of my girls are having what they deem to be a life altering crisis, I am there for them to vent, cry to, or just sit in silence with because I understand the importance of having someone there who sees and hears you in your darker moments. Children do not become all-knowing adults the moment they turn 18, hell, I know some grown folks in their 40s and 50s who still need adulting lessons and shouldn’t be living unsupervised.
I was recently offended when I was called ‘a helicopter mom’ based on the way I am with my girls. I do not now, nor have I ever, hovered over my children but I have and always will protect them from people and things I know aren’t good for them. My daughters are now in their early 20s and I am still the first person they call for advice or just to talk because I set a foundation of trust and, from day one, they knew they could come to me with whatever was on their spirit and we’d work thru it together. I will never apologize for not letting my children struggle and fall on their face while failing in order to teach them a lesson to make better decisions, that’s why I’m here and have lived the life I have so I can guide them with my experience. Even if I were to have a hand’s off approach and let them fail, who do you think will be the one to pick up all the pieces? Exactly! So, I cut out the possibility of my daughters being miserable by making ill-informed decisions, I feel it’s my responsibility as their mom to show them what the other side of the coin looks like without their rose-colored glasses on. Again, I’m who I needed growing up.
If anyone ever told you that being a mother is easy, please understand they lied straight to your face. While it may not be easy, it is the most rewarding job I’ve ever had. I’ve been blessed, twice, to welcome these beautiful creatures into this world after feeling them grow inside of me for 9 months and then watch each and every milestone they crossed all while watching their personalities grow and develop. Trust me, those teenage years weren’t the best and regularly tested my willingness to wear prison orange but we made it thru each and every conflict alive. My babies are now working women learning that the adult life they longed for kinda sucks but they are thriving and making their mother proud each and every moment of her life.
While I am blessed to still have my mother on this side of the dirt, am aware there are many who placed flowers on graves or kissed urns with tears streaming down their face today and just know I’m sending you a virtual hug. For those whose mom is still here, give her a call, go see her and not just today, they love hearing from us. For those who have a strained relationship with their mom, take it from someone who wasted decades being bitter, remember your mom is just a girl and didn’t always know what the best thing to do was but she tries and wants the best for you. You only get one mom and she may not be perfect but neither are you. Be great, my loves! Happy Mother’s Day!
