From ever since I can remember, my biggest fear has been losing someone I love, sadly, that fear became a reality on May 22, 2010 when my daddy passed away. That was the most painfully indescribable moment in my life to date. I never thought loss could physically hurt but when an unfillable void is created, it’s real and actual pain. I would never wish that type of pain on another person but also understand it will happen to others, it’s life and no one makes it out of life alive. Thru losing half of my beginning, I learned how absolutely short and precious life truly is. I also learned I hadn’t been living the life I was blessed with.
The majority of us go thru life day to day merely existing by taking care of children, spouses, bills and working. Somewhere in there, we may take a vacation here or there but then it’s back to the grind and that day to day existence. I watched my daddy take vacations, go out and have a good time, he always had a smile on his face and love in his heart. It wasn’t until I lost him did I realize I had rarely ever genuinely smiled, took everything personally and to heart, and just took life itself so seriously I seemed to walk around in a bad mood. I don’t wish that existence on anyone but, unfortunately, I watch just about everyone I know exist in that manner in some form or other more often than not. We spend so much time working and worrying about providing an extravagant life for our family, we never take the time to get to know and enjoy them. Sure you may have a high paying job which enables you to give your family a great lifestyle but what does it matter if you have no time to spend with them because you’re always working to ensure that lifestyle is maintained? Your babies won’t be babies for very long, your parents/grandparents won’t live forever, your friends won’t always be here and neither will you, you can’t get those days back.
We are a society so concerned with, not only keeping up with the Joneses but constantly trying to surpass them which, in turn, makes us work that much harder outside of the home and away from family. We miss many family gatherings because we are working. I’m a simple woman, I don’t need top of the line, named brand everything to be happy. Do I like nice things? Of course but I like laughing and being silly with my daughters more. I enjoy spending the day with my sister just chilling at her house on the deck with a bottle or few of wine. Spending a Friday night with my daughters watching movies we’ve seen multiple times while eating pizza and just joking around is my idea of heaven. I won’t get these days back so I take them in as often as I can. One day, all my daughters will have are memories of me and I do what I can to make them the best I can while I can. I want my daughters to have memories of the trips we take to the zoo and museums, just spending time together not that I was never there because I was always working to give them the latest fashions and shoes, material things don’t create lasting memories.
We always think we have time to do this or that but, unfortunately, it’s not our plan that takes the actions, it’s GOD’s plan in HIS timing, not ours. I know I’ve said many times, “Oh, I’ll go see so & so next weekend, I just don’t feel like it today” and that next weekend never comes because I get so pre-occupied with my own things I just never make it, feeling as though I have an unlimited amount of time. The sad reality is, when you put off going to see someone you care about, next weekend is never promised. The knowledge that tomorrow is never promised is why I try to keep on at least decent terms with those I care about because I don’t want the last interaction I had with them to be a negative or nasty one. To know the last time I spoke to my friend we had an argument and now they’re gone? There’s no way I can make that right, there’s no way I can say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” and that will weigh on me for the rest of my life.
Over the last several years, I’ve become a very patient and attentive listener because I rarely had one in my life and would never want someone I care about to experience the feeling of either not being heard or understood or as though their feelings didn’t matter. I have also learned to speak up when I feel tension even if I don’t know what is wrong, I speak on it because life is too short to worry and wonder why a wall is being built between me and someone I care about. The unfortunate aspect of this is other people would rather walk around stewing in their own anger and animosity throwing dirt on your name and character to others than to open their mouths and say “You hurt me when you………………” to enable the conversation can progress from there. Do I understand things don’t always work out? Yes, I do but I also believe that nothing beats a failure but a try. If I don’t try to communicate, I’m just as guilty as the other person and a good relationship dies for a petty, sometimes unknown, reason. I also understand sometimes things weren’t supposed to work out, sometimes it was just a lesson I needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to confront people when they have wronged you or maybe you needed to learn how to communicate your feelings to finally be heard. You won’t get the message at first but in time, it will click. There’s no need for childish grudges, we are adults and need to begin to act as such.
I am guilty of not spending time with those I love, I can’t and won’t make excuses, I’ll just own that I don’t do it as often as I should. While I loved my daddy with every fiber of my being, I took for granted he would always be here because heroes never die, right? It took him getting sick for me to fully grasp the reality of how limited our time here on earth is. I refuse to wait until someone is sick before I make the effort to spend time with them, I won’t get them back once they are gone and there are many people in my life I deem irreplaceable, as I know you do.
The one thing I know for sure is I don’t want to leave this earth with a bucket list or wondering “what if”. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not jumping out of plane or climbing Mt. Everest but I will go out and enjoy myself, no longer being the wallflower too shy to actually enjoy and experience that moment in my life. It’s okay to act a little crazy every now and then, you’re grown. I’ve held back far too long for fear of naysayers judging me and worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I’ve been so concerned with pleasing everyone else with my actions I never truly got to know myself, I didn’t even like myself but I tried to make sure everyone else was happy never realizing I deserved to be happy. I make sure I speak up when there’s tension between myself and another person because I don’t want the “what if” looming over my head, I’m a constant thinker and will drive myself crazy with scenarios that could be so far from reality but seem real to me. It is my responsibility as an adult to communicate as an adult and not just cease communication when I get in my feelings. Sometimes, that communication is not going to happen immediately because the situation is heated and cooler heads need to prevail in order for it to be effective and that may take a few days.
My point in all of this is life is too short to be anything but happy. If you had a disagreement with someone, squash it, you may never be the friends you used to be but you can leave this earth knowing you tried and the air is clear. If you aren’t close with family anymore due to a misunderstanding or miscommunication, reach out, you never know, they may miss you more than you do them. Take that vacation! Buy that sexy little black dress and find somewhere to wear it! That cute guy you’ve been drooling over from afar all this time? Talk to him because he’s probably been checking you out too but could be too shy to say anything or be intimidated by your beauty. While life is too short it’s also about choices and you have to choose to step out on faith to get that new job or new car. If you step out on faith and start to enjoy and appreciate the life that HE has blessed you with, I promise you, HE’s got you every step of the way. Don’t wait to make things right, tomorrow may not come.
This piece really hit home for me. My mom was one person I can honestly say lived her life to the fullest and constantly stayed on me about living not just existing.
It’s good when we have those role models urging us to see the bigger picture and even more wonderful when we get it. No more “existing” for either of us!