When we care about someone, we care about every aspect of their being but sometimes the “caring” comes off as judgement. We’ve all been in a situation at least once where we didn’t believe the man dating our friend/family member deserved her. Here’s where you have to be the grown up and simply support your loved one. Supporting her doesn’t mean you agree with the situation, it means you love her enough to be there for her thru everything that may transpire, good or bad.
When we love someone, we want nothing but the best for them and, sometimes, force our opinions and viewpoints on their relationship. All that does is alienate you from your friend. When we are in what we deem is love, all we see are sparkles and rainbows, we don’t see the bad, we don’t want to nor should we be forced to. We feel the need to tell ourselves this is going to work, he’s not perfect but it’s going to work because I love him. At this point, we don’t need our friends telling us what we kind of already know, we’re not always ready to have the rose colored glasses snatched off. It’s easy to stand on the outside and look in to someone else’s relationship and see the many flaws and how it could or should be different but we tend to overstep our boundaries and repeatedly tell our friend what’s wrong with her man. That’s a big no-no because all that does is push her closer to someone who may truly mean her no good but she feels she doesn’t have your support.
When we see things wrong in someone else’s relationship, as a friend, we feel it is our responsibility to talk to them and let them know what we see and how we feel. While this is true, it should only be done ONCE. If you are continually pointing out the flaws of the man she loves, she will begin to see you as the enemy. Does this man have the most amount of couth you’ve ever experienced? Is he the most driven person? Best dresser? Best communicator? The no’s to these questions aren’t what truly matter, the answer to: Does he make her happy? is the one that matters most. Has this man done messed up things to your friend (infidelity, disrespect, etc.)? Maybe so but she chooses to stay with him and tolerate it, nothing you say will make her leave him alone until she is absolutely ready.
Supporting your friend means being there for her when she cries over something that happened in her relationship without saying “I told you so” or “I’m glad you finally saw what I’ve been telling you all along” or “Girl, it’s about damn time”. She doesn’t want or need to hear any of that, she is hurting and just needs a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board to vent to, and you to be a voice of reason only when asked, never before. I’ve had situations where I don’t agree with the relationship but also learned it’s not my place to speak on it unless I’m asked. Unwarranted advice is offensive because it’s attempted to be justified by those that love us, stating “I only tell you this because I love you”. Yeah, that’s great. When I’ve received unwarranted advice, I get offended because it makes me feel the person dishing it out doesn’t think I’m smart enough to already know what they are speaking on. I’m not dumb and neither are you, our eyes are open, we see what’s going on and are dealing with the situation as we see fit. Everyone isn’t going to agree with how you handle your issues in your relationship because it’s not how they would handle it. Relationships are like snowflakes, no two are identical. We all handle every situation differently because we are all different. How you handle infidelity may not be how I handle it and vice versa but that doesn’t make either of us wrong, it’s our choice.
The main way to support your friend in her relationship is to treat him kindly. When you walk in and already have a stank eye because he’s there, everyone notices and feels your energy, especially your friend. You don’t have to be his best friend, your job is to be her best friend and treat him as an extension of her. If you are rude to him every chance you get, the invites will slowly come to an end because she doesn’t want to have to choose between you and her man. Relationships are hard enough as it is, there’s no need to bring unnecessary drama to someone else’s situation. I understand you want to protect your friend from any type of hurt and heartache but it’s not your job and, actually, not possible. You can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves.
Her relationship is her issue and hers to deal with, not yours. It’s not easy standing by watching someone you love go thru hell but you can’t nitpick their eyes open either. If you are constantly speaking only on the bad, she’ll slowly begin to pull away and tell you less and less about what is truly happening. There are a couple of reasons this is bad: #1 ~ she’ll be alone in the best and worst times of her relationship, no one to share either news with, no one to get advice from, #2 ~ she won’t have anyone to rely on but him and he could possibly begin to abuse that power over her, and #3 ~ GOD forbid it ever gets physical, you may not know until it’s too late.
My experience, and you can probably relate, has been the main one bitching and complaining about my relationship has never had a successful one. How can someone who’s not in a relationship tell you how to handle yours? Funny, huh? I don’t give advice to anyone because if it is followed and causes the relationship to end, my friend ends up resenting me. I learned a long time ago to just say how I handled it when I was in a similar situation while repeating “This is how I handled it but you may want to do it differently”.
Everyone needs to go thru things in their own time and experience trials and tribulations to grow into the person they were meant to be. Your lack of support will only hinder that growth and cause them to repeat the necessary lesson over and over again until they finally get it. We can’t take the test and learn the lessons for anyone but ourselves. So, the next time your friend complains about her man, just listen and be there for her. Yes, it is hard to hear some of the things she is going thru but until she is ready, she’s going to continue to go thru it. Grab that box of tissues and some wine and sit with her while she unloads and continue to treat him as an extension of your friend. That’s all you can and should do for those you love.