This is it! You have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you are in love and things couldn’t be better, you’ve even been discussing marriage! YAY! Exciting isn’t it? The two of you have been ring shopping, you’ve gotten bridal books and been talking about a date and the ceremony, you have a permanent smile on your face, heart and soul. The day comes for him to get down on one knee, crack open that little box, exposing the ring of your dreams and propose to you. Does it matter if he’s gotten your parents’ blessing?
I’ve been known to be the “old fashioned” type of southern girl in a lot of aspects of my life and this is one I will forever stick to my guns on. I still believe in being courted, to me, it is a crucial part of dating, getting to know and possibly marrying me. Courting doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot of money to woo me, just pay attention to my likes and dislikes and proceed accordingly. Doing things like taking me for a walk downtown on the mall after dark, surprising me with my favorite cupcake (this pleases not just me but my inner fat girl as well) if I’ve had a bad day, or even just going for a ride so we can spend time together away from everyone, simple things mean more to me than grand gestures. In the phase of courting me, he will get to know my parents and they will get to know him but only when the time is right, not before, everyone who takes me on a date hasn’t earned the privilege of meeting them. This courting phase is to enable your family to better get to know the man you are crazy about and see how he is on a regular basis, not just when he picks you up for a date or from what you tell them.
When I was proposed to, there was no question as to whether or not he had spoken to my father to get his blessing prior to getting down on that one knee, they were already thick as thieves and closer than most family members, my dad loved him as his son. My father was an integral part of my proposal, from getting the location to playing the perfect playlist to ensuring family members would be there to witness his baby getting engaged. Had they not had that bond and connection, I would have questioned whether he had gotten my father’s blessing for our union and my hand in marriage.
Yes, I know, as women, we tend to get so swept up in the immediate aspect of getting engaged, from the location to the ring to what he said when he asked, even what we were wearing, that we forget to ask “Did you ask my daddy first”? There will be situations where the father is either no longer alive or has never been a part of your life, at this point, he should go to your mother, the head of the household, the person who raised you, this should be protocol. Yes, I know, you’re an adult, you’ve been supporting yourself for some years now, why would you need ‘permission’ to marry the person you love and loves you back, that’s all that matters, right? When he asks your parents for their blessing, he is setting the stage for a wonderful relationship between him and them. Asking for your hand in marriage is a matter of respect shown to all of you and shows your parents that he loves you enough to go thru the possible discomfort of asking for your hand. It also opens the door for your father/head of household the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation about love, family and future plans with you.
You will forever be your parents’ child and they only want what’s best for you, they want better for you than they had and do what they can to ensure you have it. Understand this, your parents have lived more life, experienced way more than they’ll ever speak of, they can see people for who they are and their love for you lets them know if someone means you no good. When parents have a daughter, they have already envisioned the type of man they want her to spend the rest of her life with and that vision may not always line up with who you’ve chosen but what should line up are the basics in a relationship. They want a man who is going to take care of, protect, respect and honor you in every facet of life. They don’t want the guy who will sit on the couch watching tv while you’re outside shoveling snow, one who can’t financially support you, doesn’t support your dreams, goals and ambitions, or has no drive of his own, no parent wants that for their child because they know it only brings more stress and strain to your life and marriage.
If your parents have reservations about your mate, take the time to sit down and talk to them because they may not fully see why things are the way they are. Maybe you were shoveling the snow because his back locked up and you insisted, maybe you’re footing the bills because his hours got cut at work but he’s buying all the groceries and helping out around the house more. None of this is known until you sit down and open the lines of communication with your parents.
Many times we get so blinded by love and the image of “happily ever after”, we may not see what our parents see because we love our mate in spite of the fact they are not perfect, we see the good in them, we ‘know’ them, right? Your parents have life experience that allows them to make sure you don’t repeat their mistakes or have to struggle as they did. If they don’t immediately give their blessing, there’s a reason which needs to be discussed for everyone to gain some understanding and move forward with clear hearts and intentions. Take the time to learn their reservations because they may love him as a person but, looking from the outside in, they can see the possible struggles the two of you may endure.
After you exchange “I Dos”, this person is not just your spouse, they are now your family and your union now joins both of your families together. How could you have a happy union if your parents have reservations and resentment towards your spouse for not getting their blessing first? This is why it is so crucial for him to have that conversation with them prior to getting on that knee to you. Believe me, no blood family is without their issues and flaws but this is what you are born into, this is your blood line. When you agree to marry someone and make them your family, this is a choice you’ve made. No marriage is perfect either, there will be disagreements and issues that will arise and if they get to be too much, you can end the union and your spouse will no longer be your family. No matter what happens, your blood family is still your family for eternity and if there was resentment or harsh feelings, that bond may never be the same as it was prior to your marriage.
Although society seems to have gotten away from this step in relationships, that doesn’t mean you have to settle for society’s lowered standards. Getting away from these standards is one of the factors of what’s breaking down the family dynamics previous generations struggled to maintain. Don’t get so lost in the fact you’re getting engaged that you forget you’re also promising to build a life with someone. Who knows, omitting this one step could be the reason divorce rates are so high and side pieces are now a common fixture in relationships, that key conversation with your father lays the ground work of respect for you. If he loves, honors and respects you, asking for your hand won’t be an issue, it will be something he looks forward to. Don’t settle for less, you’re worth that conversation.