Many don’t realize how prevalent domestic violence is in today’s society, do you know it happens to 1 and 3 women? This means you either know someone who has suffered, is currently suffering or you are the sufferer or survivor. This is a sad and staggering reality. What’s even worse is many suffer in silence, blaming themselves for the actions of someone who is struggling with their own demons and insecurities. The fact that too many women are losing their lives at the hands of someone they loved and trusted is becoming more and more frequent lately, it’s getting out of hand! You feel you can’t even move on with your life because someone wants you and only you and if they can’t have you, they believe no one should. Your sanity and happiness is not their concern, you being with them or alone and miserable is all they care about!
Most believe an abuser to be a thug or a ‘bad boy’, nothing can be further from the truth. The guy who grew up with a privileged life could be the same person who is abusing his wife behind closed doors every single day. What many fail to realize is you don’t have to come from a broken home to be an abuser or abused. Even the person who watched their parents have a loving, successful, happy marriage has the potential to lay hands or spew insulting words at their mate. There is no poster child for what the face of domestic violence looks like, from the abuser to the abused, everyone has suffered some form of it at some point in their life. You may have watched your parents argue and possibly fight or you were (or are currently) in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships aren’t just between men and women either, 2 women involved in a relationship can be abused as well. Once you understand that all abuse isn’t physical, you’ll understand how prominent it is in your life and others.
So many of us don’t even realize we are victims of abuse in a relationship because we believe that if they’re not putting their hands on us, there is no abuse, right? The constant put downs, nitpicking and belittling, over small, insignificant things isn’t seen as abuse because you’ve been convinced by this person that they only have your best interest at heart and only want you to be the best you possible. If the only way they know how to, supposedly, make you better is by breaking you, they don’t want what’s best for you, they want to control you. You will find yourself putting distance between you and close friends and family at his urging by stating they don’t know the real you or want to see you happy, only he does. You make these sacrifices for what you believe is pure, genuine love but it’s not, anyone who loves you unconditionally loves and accepts you as you are, not who they think they want you to be. Mental and verbal abuse leave emotional scarring no one else can see or imagine unless they’ve been in your shoes.
Having all of your flaws pointed out, you feel exposed and a sense of shame that you lived your life being such a messed up person for so long and lean on the one person who had the courage to point them out in order for you to ‘fix’ them. The person you love unconditionally has conditions on how they love and accept you, when you don’t meet their idea of perfection, they do what they can to break and mold you into what they want, not who you are. You find yourself re-evaluating every relationship in your life and only seeing your negative actions, blaming yourself for every disagreement even if you were right. Look at you, now you are breaking and abusing yourself, crying alone because now you have no one to lean on outside of him.
Verbal and emotional abuse has affects so damaging they could be lifelong, affecting every relationship moving forward in life even if you break free of and leave your abuser. When you meet new people, you tend to be withdrawn and shy because you’ve been conditioned to not have an opinion, your opinion is wrong, your words don’t matter or, even worse, you don’t matter. You’ll find yourself second guessing every action you make because you now believe who you were was never good enough and don’t want to regress. You may meet a wonderful guy but find yourself snapping at him when you think you see a trait that is similar to your ex in him, you’ll even find flaws in him that are actually not there so you have a reason to end the relationship out of fear of being back in hell. You don’t trust anyone’s true intentions anymore because the last time you did, they broke you and you refuse to be broken again without fighting this time. This is not taking a stand, this is avoiding the deeper issue of your pain and anger towards someone who didn’t know how to love themselves enough to love you.
To the outside world, everything seems perfect, they’re a loving partner and you’re the perfect woman, catering to their every want and need with a smile on your face. It’s not until you get home do you get confronted with how you disrespected them by having a conversation with their uncle or male cousin and they show it violently with their hands. Physical abuse carries the heavy load of embarrassment and shame, you become quite the make-up artist because you are constantly trying to camouflage the bruises left by the person who claimed to love you. You find yourself flinching every time they make a move in your direction, always ensuring dinner is cooked perfectly, the children are quiet, and the house is spotless because anything that angers them is taken out on your face and body. You find yourself making excuses for and defending your abuser, such as: “Their job is really stressing them out and I’m not making it easier by not cleaning the way they like” or “He really is a good man, life is just hard for him right now” or “You know how mouthy I can be” or even “But he’s such a good father and provider”.
There will be many who don’t understand why you just don’t leave, having never been in the situation, they believe it’s cut and dry, telling you they “wouldn’t take that shit” and, in a way, judge you for staying, never trying to gain an understanding of why you are there or how broken you truly are. The first thing you must do is look at the source and ask: “Are they in a successful, loving relationship”? “Have they ever experienced what you’re going thru”? Most times, the answer will be no and you’ll realize the person giving you ‘advice’ doesn’t understand. That’s like telling someone who lost a parent that you understand what they’re going thru even tho you have both of your parents. It’s insulting because until you’ve been in those shoes, you can’t possibly really understand. When someone comes to you about their situation, they are not looking for you to fix anything, they just need an ear or a sounding board, just someone to be there for them, not tell them to leave. The reality is, 9 times out of 10, they know they are going back home to him because only they will know when they’ve had enough, your words and criticisms of the situation may only push her closer to him, leaving her feeling more alone than before. When you are in an abusive relationship, it feels impossible to leave because you feel like you’d be abandoning him. Yes, I said abandoning the person who is abusing you, I know it sounds crazy but it’s reality because you see potential in them, you know somewhere deep down they are a good person and if you leave, that awesome person may never come out.
Things may get so bad you eventually find the strength and courage to leave and actually get a restraining order against your abuser, thinking you are safe. Well, unfortunately, it’s been proven time and time again that a restraining order is only a piece of paper, if they want to hurt or even kill you, they will, regardless of the repercussions they will suffer for violating an order. I know of a woman who had a restraining order against her very abusive estranged husband, he couldn’t come within a certain amount of feet from her so, one morning he stood on the other side of the gate to her home with a shotgun and, as she walked out the door, shot her in her head while her child stood there in shock still holding his mother’s hand. Restraining orders also don’t work if you don’t abide by them either, letting him come over because you miss him or he wants to see his children is a violation and you’re only making a mockery of the legal system trying to protect those who are abused. If he wants to see his children, arrangements thru a mutual 3rd party can be made, he doesn’t need to come inside your home to do so.
It takes strength and endurance to leave an abusive relationship without bitterness and hatred in your heart for your abuser, it’s necessary for your sanity and healing. When you have decided the relationship is over, communicate it with your partner, telling them you have to work on yourself and be calm about it, never blaming them, that will only enrage them and possibly make that the last conversation you ever have. Also, let your friends and family know the situation so they can be there for you in this very trying time and to make sure you are safe. It breaks my heart to know so many will be lost to and many more suffer from domestic violence, every abused person can’t be saved but I’m sure we can save some if we take the time to understand and recognize the signs we see in our loved ones, don’t let them go thru this alone.
Never judge anyone because you have no idea of what they’re going thru or their story unless they feel inclined to share it. The woman you sat next to on the train this morning? Her night could have been spent being yelled at by her husband because his socks weren’t folded exactly the same or his chicken wasn’t piping hot. Take a look at your co-worker, ever notice how she keeps to herself? That’s because she doesn’t want to cry from the pain she endures every moment of her life outside of the office. Even the person who is always so put together and poised goes home and cries tears only she and GOD know about from the pain and worthless feeling she endures yet pulls herself together every day and puts a smile on her face to mask it. She could even be the person who’s blog you’re reading… you just never know. 
#survivor