I am a mother of 2 beautiful, yet very different, teenage girls and I’m single due to the marriage to their father not working out. Our marriage failing never gave us the right to fail these girls as parents, we take this co-parenting thing seriously because we understand they need both of us at all times. There are times I feel alone when dealing with the day to day struggles of their different personalities but I have a sense of relief knowing I can pick up the phone and call him and he’s present. He may not be in the house with us but he’s never stopped being their daddy. If he’s unable to come and have a sit down with them face to face, he will parent thru the phone until he is able to do so. We understand how important this facet is in their lives and molding them in to respectful, responsible young women in order to be functioning adults in the real world.
On a regular basis, the girls and I will sit down and have what I refer to as “Come to Jesus” meetings where we discuss what’s going on in their lives, what bothers them, and why their chores aren’t getting done. I believe in keeping the lines of communication open with my children at all times because if I’m not there, who do they have to turn and talk to when they have questions about things happening in their ever changing lives? Their teenage friends who know as much, or maybe less, as them? I think NOT! Their friends may have different challenges and experiences but it doesn’t beat or compare to the experience and knowledge of us, their mother and father. Yes, I know they will come to me more often because I am a female and that’s not only okay with me, it’s my blessing and destiny.
Having my girls has made me realize I am living my mother’s life all over again and I used to question it but I’ve gained much insight, understanding and gratitude and now see it as a blessing, not a curse. Growing up, I witnessed my mother struggle with my sister and her attitude, I sat back and learned what not to do and where the line was while my sister constantly crossed and danced around it, staying in trouble. Yes, this is my life yet again, only this time I’m the parent learning how to structure and mold these girls into young women. I’ve been labeled “Claire Huxtable” and take it as a compliment, I’ve also had my parenting skills questioned because I enforce the rules and sternly talk to my daughters but also take the time to go back after we’ve each calmed down and, not just talk with them, but also listen to how they feel about what transpired. I’ve learned that just fussing at them solves nothing, if they feel alone and unheard they won’t gain the full understanding of what happened and needs to be done to heal the situation and themselves. I own and will apologize when I am wrong, that’s my responsibility as a person, not just a parent, I have to be that example for them.
While their bickering and fighting is nerve racking, it’s also an opportunity for me to parent and be there for them. Do I lose my temper from time to time? Hell yeah, I’m human, not perfect. When I lose my temper, it’s yet another opportunity to discuss with the girls how to properly handle yourself in a heated situation. Just recently, the girls were at each other’s throats the entire day and I, as usual, was the mediator. I took this time to share with them how to react in these situations, letting them know arguing solves absolutely nothing, it only creates hurt feelings from words that can’t be taken back, resentment and anger towards each other. Arguing is nothing more than people talking/yelling at one another, never taking the time to listen to the real reason someone is upset. When things happen, no one is 100% right nor are they 100% wrong, they both have a part in the argument/disagreement. The challenge is coming to grips with that reality and it’s even harder to do when you are a teenager.
I may be 44 years old but I didn’t truly grow up and become an actual adult until I became a mother, being blessed with them shrunk and expanded my entire world at the same time. It shrunk my world because it became all about them and their well beings, no longer about me. It expanded my world because it opened my eyes to the challenges they would encounter in the outside world and I am responsible for arming them with the necessary tools to handle those challenges and obstacles. I know they will encounter cruel people who are insecurely dealing with their own demons and issues on a regular basis and I am responsible for teaching my daughters to understand this, never letting it damage their self-esteem and make them feel as though there is something wrong with them. I’ve lived that life and refuse to have my children suffer the way I did, they deserve way more than that, they are worthy.
Everything we go thru in our lives happens for a reason, to prepare us for situations in the future. You may not see or understand it at the time but understand you had to go thru it to help someone else at a later time. Now, how you handle and what you gain from these experiences is all on you, it’s your choice whether you let it make or break you. If you don’t learn and grow from it, how are you going to be able to be there for you child when they go thru something similar? Are you going to let them suffer and struggle as you did or will you be vulnerable enough to share how you dealt with it when it happened to you? I found this to be my blessing because I am able to heal myself and my past while helping my daughters with their present and future. Knowing they are watching my every move and reaction has made me check myself and become a better person and parent because I am much more conscious of my wrong doings and how I’ve mishandled them in the past.
Keep in mind there needs to be a balance with this single parenting thing tho, you can’t just make everything in your life about your children but you also can’t think only of yourself either. Maintain some semblance of individualism because you are still a healthy adult, just never let your “life” interfere with the betterment of your children’s. If you make everything about them all the time, what happens when they turn 18 and go to college or the military or even just move out? You’re stuck in the house, no friends, nothing to do, not knowing how to function because they were your purpose for 18 years. Don’t be the crazy cat or dog lady filling your house with animals just to have something fill a void that you created by holding on too tight. It’s hard to watch our babies fall and fail but it’s necessary for them to gain those life experiences, just be there for them with an open heart, listening ear and words of comfort and advice, both of you will be better because of it.
Very nice perspective