I was recently asked what I was looking for in a partner and it actually took me a minute to get my ‘list’ together. When I was growing up, I had a mental list of my ideal man, this list included everything from his appearance, height, mannerisms, potential, even his teeth (I’m a stickler for a nice mouth/teeth), trustworthiness, and general overall characteristics. Having matured, I have become a little more lenient with my list because it’s not always reality and doesn’t fully serve who I am at this stage in my life. We have this image of our perfect mate who may not even exist in our lifetime. There are a couple of traits I will not relax on, however, and the main one is height. I have been labeled a height snob because I won’t give anyone under a certain height the time of day. Yes, I have written about being closed minded and will own I’m closed minded on the height issue in my life, there is no wiggle room. And, yes, I know I could be missing out on the perfect person because of it but it’s a chance I am willing to take.
Thru maturing and getting to know various people, I’ve come to learn a lot about my list versus a true connection with another person. Someone could meet every item on the list but if there’s no connection between us, it doesn’t matter. A connection, to me, is being able to sit and have a conversation about any and everything, knowing you’re not always going to agree with each other but being open to seeing things from their perspective and being willing to learn from them. It’s also about being able to just sit with them and do absolutely nothing but you’re not bored, you’re content and enjoying yourself. When you have a connection with someone, you feel comfortable being yourself and confiding in them because they make you feel safe and accepted.
Life experiences will affect your list as well. When you started the list, you may have been single and child free and the things that matter to you now as a mother should differ from what mattered to that 20 something year old club hopper. At this stage in life, you are looking for a partner who is capable of being a positive male role model in your child’s life. Someone who lies or you feel you can’t trust should never make the cut because, truth be told, if you can’t trust someone, you have no connection or relationship anyway, plain and simple. And for the guys? A fat ass being shown off in minimal clothing may have been cool back in the day but now, as you’ve matured, you need a woman who will take care of, cook and clean for you, someone you can take home and know she won’t twerk on your cousins and uncles at family cookouts. There comes a point in our lives when we realize we need a partner, someone we can trust to be there for us and have our back when we don’t even have our own.
You could meet someone today and feel like you’ve known them for an eternity, you just click, but on the flip side, you could know someone for decades and still not feel comfortable enough to share your innermost feelings and desires. I am the type of person who works off of energy, if your energy is good, we’re good and the same goes for if it’s not so good. I have been blessed with the good fortunate of being raised by my daddy, around male cousins who were quite the ladies men as well as having guys as my best friends, I feel I have a pretty good idea of a guy’s intentions when he approaches me. Now, I’m sure we’ve all heard our share of the worst pick up lines when a guy approaches us and know from that point they aren’t “Prince Charming” and have a better chance of getting cussed out than our number. I actually had a guy, confidently look me in my face and say “F*ck yo name is”? I took a moment to look behind me because I KNEW he wasn’t talking to me, he just couldn’t be! But, unfortunately, he was and I had to proceed to tell him “I know you’re not serious and if you are? My name is something you will never, in this lifetime, learn. Step aside” and went about my business.
Confidence is very sexy to me whereas arrogance is an aggravating turn off, and yes, there is a difference. Confidence is when a man approaches me with respect and walks over with a confidence in himself never speaking of his accomplishments, money or cars. Arrogance is the type of guy who is flashy and has the mentality I should be grateful he took 2 minutes of his time to walk over and speak to me. I don’t believe you should have to speak on your accomplishments or what you have to impress anyone, having your shit together speaks for itself, confidence is silent but speaks volumes.
There have been times when I have been swept off my feet by someone who wasn’t my typical type but the connection was there, his personality and character were so on point it didn’t matter that he wasn’t physically what I thought was my type. I married someone who wasn’t my ‘type’ but he possessed characteristics that connected with me, he could make me laugh, was charming, a gentleman and I felt protected when we were together.
Now, over the years, I have added things to my list which are not acceptable to me as well. For instance, having an obsession with video games as a grown man? Yeah, that’s a no go for me. Now, there are women out there who will game right alongside with their man, I’m just not one of them. While a driven, successful man is attractive to me, a man who never has time for me because he’s always working or brags about how much money he has is not for me. A man who doesn’t really take time in his appearance isn’t my cup of tea. I love a good smelling, clean cut man, just who and how I am. Thugs and bad boys are not for me, and I especially have no time for a dude whose pants are tighter than mine or hanging off his ass. I was raised by a classy, charming gentleman and that’s what I seek when looking for a mate.
Everyone’s list is different but the point of all of this is, although some will deny ever having a list, we all have certain criteria when it comes to having an attraction to someone. If it’s someone who makes you happy and you feel safe and connected to them, forego your list and be happy, that’s what it’s all about right? Being happy? Exactly. Don’t be so set in your ways, seeking that absolute perfection, you stick to a list that isn’t truly relevant for you at this stage in life because your wants, needs, desires and what matters have changed from when you were younger and will continue to change as you continue to mature and grow. Now, please don’t get it twisted, never relax your morals and standards just to say you have someone, never ever settle for less than you are worth and deserve because you will never truly be happy with yourself in that relationship. Pick your mate on the way he makes you feel internally, does he make you laugh? Does he show he cares for you with simple gestures such as Good Morning/Good Night texts? Does he take care of your car by washing it or filling the tank? Do you feel safe being yourself and not someone he thinks you should be? Is there trust and respect shared between the 2 of you? Then he’s a keeper, take a chance on happiness, you deserve it just as he deserves you.