Month: September 2016

There comes a point in time in everyone’s life when the pressures of life and expectations are too much to bear. The pressure of being perfect at all times is more than one can bear and a heavy load to carry. When that pressure gets to be too much, we retreat to the place which gives us the most comfort, our dark place.

That dark place is more familiar to some than it is to others and some seek professional help because they can no longer find joy in the simplest things in life. When you can’t find your way out of the funk or it last for more than a couple days, there’s a chance you’re experiencing mild depression. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it happens to the strongest of people.

Depression has been such a taboo subject in families of all races and nationalities for centuries, it carries the label of shame which is why so many suffer alone and in silence. Having to deal with depression alone only makes it that much worse because you already feel bad about yourself for not being able to handle life and now you have no one to talk to about it without paying for therapy. Our loved ones care about us but, if they haven’t personally dealt with our degree of depression, they are unable to empathize and understand why you burst out in tears and retreat to your private space or seem to be snippy and in an argumentative mood. When you’re depressed, sometimes it sneaks up on you and you can’t truly figure out what’s wrong which makes it that much harder to talk about.

The hard reality is that no one is exempt from suffering from depression, it doesn’t discriminate. The people we look at who have the least also tend to be the happiest because they are appreciative for everything they have. Whereas, some of the richest people are the most miserable because no amount of material possessions fill that void which makes them feel unfulfilled with life. Depression could be spawned by the ending of a relationship or losing a job and wondering how you’ll survive from day to day or the anniversary of the death of a loved one. Your genetic makeup can also be a contributing factor, in this instance, it’s more of chemical imbalance which is triggered by certain experiences. I will own and admit I have suffered from serious bouts of depression and did so silently, without anyone close to me even knowing. Being an introvert, no one took notice or concern when I stayed to myself because that was my usual behavior.I feel like I am the poster child for therapy because I’ve had many stints over the course of my life and sitting down talking to a therapist never got me out of my funks. What I gained from therapy was an understanding of how my thoughts about things that were happening were controlling me and how to take that power back. I learned the hard way, medication is not always the answer to resolving depression, it is not a cure, it merely puts a band-aid on the problem by numbing your emotions. There was a point in my life when the meds I was on just made me emotionally numb, I was unable to smile, cry, be happy, sad or even get angry. I realized, not only did my daughters deserve much more from me, I also deserved to feel life. They deserved a mother who got joy from seeing them happy and hearing them laugh so I got off my meds to be the best mother and person I could be and haven’t looked back.

When you’re depressed, you feel hopeless and as though you are a burden on others, you get trapped in your own head of negativity and it feels as though there is no way out. This is where mental strength and determination need to come in to play, getting out of depression is an inside job, no one can get you out but you. Trust me, when you’re in those dark periods, it’s hard to get out because all you think of are the things you’ve done wrong, could have done differently or better and maybe, just maybe things would have turned out differently for you. The reality is this, there is no “UNDO” button in life, we can’t go back and change the past, all we can do is acknowledge, learn from it and move forward with the life we have been blessed with. Everything that happens in your life occurs to grow you into the strong, wonderful being HE created you to be, take a moment and celebrate.

If you’ve never suffered from true depression, it’s hard to empathize when someone close to you is going through it. I’ll share some tips on how to be there for someone who’s going thru a dark period in their lives:

• Sometimes we just need someone there while we cry, we don’t need to talk about anything, just cry. If you can’t handle seeing someone cry, please don’t offer your shoulder for their tears.
• Understand we are not looking for anyone to fix the situation or solve the problem, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s our cross to bear.
• Please don’t give your opinion unless it is asked for. Now, I know this is hard for most of us because we feel like we can see the solution and want to share to help our loved one but it’s not always welcome.
• Just listen, sometimes all we need is a sounding board or someone to vent to who will just nod and say, “I see” “Mmm hmm, then what”? It doesn’t even matter how wrong we may have been, sometimes we just need to say it out loud to understand our actions to move past it.
• If you can’t separate your personal feelings from the situation and listen without judging, please don’t offer your time or ear. The last thing needed is being judged when we already feel lower than dirt.
• Retail therapy always helps. Drinking, not so much. Alcohol is a depressant and will only intensify the depression and make us sadder.
• Be present, when you are around them, be there with and for them in the capacity which they allow you to be. Sitting in the same room with them doesn’t count if you’re paying more attention to your phone than your loved one.

There may be other ways you’ve helped your loved one thru their darker periods and I encourage you to keep up the good work. There are so many scriptures and sayings of encouragement that we already know and all I suggest is for you to refer back to them when things seem bleak. The most important aspect I hope you gain from this is you are not alone, if you ever need an ear, sounding board or even shoulder to cry on? I’m here for you because I know what it’s like to suffer alone and wouldn’t want anyone else to go thru that. Understand you are bigger and better than whatever is intimidating, scaring or hurting you.

Take my hand, put on those hot ass shoes and let’s walk out of the darkness together. 

Well, it’s another Friday night and you’re sitting in the house, no plans and totally content with your own company. You scroll thru social media and see friends’ posts of their active social lives and remember when this was you, when you were out every free evening you had drinking and socializing, living it up. Now, here you sit on the couch, in your sweats, munching on popcorn, watching movies or reality tv and fall asleep before 10 o’clock.What’s happened to you? When did you become this hermit who only leaves the house to go to work or run errands? Where did your social life go? When’s the last time you actually went on a date or to a happy hour?

A bad relationship is usually the main culprit which causes us to retreat into our shells, shutting out the world and whatever it has to offer because it’s the people and situations within the world which caused our pain and soured us. A soured relationship could be romantic, friend or even familial. When there’s strife within any of those, the pain we feel is so deep because they’re all attached to our hearts which we try so hard to protect. Once we’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone we love, a wall begins to be erected around our heart and fear of being hurt again only solidifies that wall, making it harder for us to let anyone else in ever again.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, we don’t even realize this wall is being built and try time and time again to carry on some semblance of healthy relationships but are unable to let anyone close to us again out of fear of losing yet another piece of our hearts and our hearts shattering completely.In speaking with a friend, he shared with me he no longer knows how to court someone, he lost interest in even trying after he lost someone close to him and he’s more content with staying in the house than risking meeting someone new. The thing is this, we all need love in our lives, not just the love from our children or families, we need that romantic love, the one that makes us feel complete. Romantic love touches places in your soul which make you feel alive and as though life is worth living, without it, we’re merely existing each day.

Now, I know some of you will say “I don’t need anybody, I love myself  and that’s all I need” and that statement is true and vital, you must love yourself in order for someone else to come in and love the real you. But putting on the facade of being happy and not needing or even wanting anyone long enough, makes you realize you’re not, you’re lonely and broken but it feels safer not to care than to try.
When you don’t take time to heal your wounds and past pains, you’re not whole or even open to fully accepting all love and life have to offer. A very good friend of mine once told me “Two half people don’t make for a whole relationship, it only makes for a f*cked up situation”. It took me a minute to comprehend what she was saying but then it clicked, if I’m damaged, I’m only able to give half of myself and when I meet someone in the same situation, how is that relationship successful? We end up spending more time fighting our own demons, blaming each other, arguing about petty things, and lacking trust in them all because of the pain someone else caused and left behind than we are connecting and loving one another. These unresolved issues will only grow deeper and deeper, building a wall between the 2 of you and eventually be the demise of what could have been a good relationship had you both taken a little more time to heal.

I will be the first to admit I want love in my life, I deserve it dammit and I know I’m not alone in my desire! We all want those good morning and good night texts which let us know we’re the first thing on their mind when their eyes open and the last thing on their mind before they close them, we want dinner and movie dates or just sitting in the house binging on junk food while watching movies or football on a Sunday afternoon snuggled with him, we want someone to go to museums/family gatherings/walks in the park with, someone to be our silly selves with, that one person whose hug puts all our broken pieces back together. We can want and desire this all day long but if we’re not doing anything to get it, what’s the point? How will you ever receive any of this by being a hermit? You’re not actually protecting yourself, you’ve just shut down and given up on any possibility of it actually happening. Wanting without action only deepens the void of love within us.

The reason so many of us are so unhappy and unfulfilled in our love lives is because we are letting fear dominate love and those 2 emotions cannot co-exist in the same space. While love is may be the stronger of the 2, fear is the easier one to give in to because if you fear something, you just won’t do it, there’s a sense of control but not with love. No matter how much you try to fight it, love is uncontrollable and many of don’t like that feeling of not being in control of every emotion and aspect of our lives. Sweetie, it’s time to loosen that grip and give in to love or just begin with giving in to the possibility of liking someone and letting them get to know you, if it doesn’t work out? It just doesn’t work out and you can move forward knowing that at least you tried. My parents always taught me that nothing beats a failure but a try, if you don’t try, you’ve already failed.

The issue with finding that love is being willing to take the risk to meet someone, to let them in to that once bright, shining, welcoming space of your undamaged heart which has now darkened from the damage it’s sustained. Here’s my question to you: What’s the worst that can happen? Say you actually get dressed in something other than lounge wear/sweats, go out one evening and see someone who’s easy on the eyes, do you dare strike up a conversation with them or do you continue to sip your drink alone, satisfied with the fact you left the house? I’ll ask again, what’s the worst that could happen if you engaged in a conversation with him? Will you die? Will anyone close to you die? No? Well, seriously, what do you have to lose? If there’s no connection and he’s a dullard, eh so what, you’re not married or committed to him, he’s someone you met at a bar and can just as quickly and easily get in your car, go home and put your sweats back on. Reality is, you have to be willing to at least try because, no matter how perfect they are? I can guarantee you this: they’re not going to come knocking on your door and sweep you off your slippered feet,no matter how cute they are.

You don’t have to come on to or engage in conversation with every attractive person you see or approaches you, all you have to do is be open to the possibility of meeting someone with the understanding it may not be a love connection the first time out. If you’re in your hermit mindset, you’re closed off and others can feel and sense it and will never approach you. Crawl out that shell and experience what the world around you has to offer, go to a comedy show or an exhibit, I promise, you’ll begin to feel your pieces coming back together and the pool of possibilities deepen. All that matters is for you to get out there and try, your Boo is waiting for you, go get ’em! 

 

I was taught growing up: if you don’t learn the lesson the first time, you are destined to repeat it until you do, this holds true for every relationship in your life. You could have a friendship with someone who doesn’t actually mean you any good but you try and try to appease them to keep some semblance of a friendship alive. This person, you believe to be your friend, really isn’t your friend and they’ve proven it time and time again with snide comments, shade thrown, gossip about you, and/or petty arguments to make you feel bad. This person is a lesson but your heart won’t let you learn it out of fear of hurting them by responding to them in the same manner or feeling like you’re judging them and ready to abandon the friend’ship’ because it’s not what you would want done to you. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them because they usually don’t even realize what they’re revealing about themselves, it’s up to you to pay attention. Have you ever been in a relationship which you knew you weren’t happy but couldn’t break free of it? Unhappiness in a relationship can stem from so very many things such as: they’ve so little trust in you they check your phone constantly, looking for something they are not truly ready to find; they’re insecure because they’ve been hurt in the past and never healed; they belittle you every chance they get; or they’re even emotionally abusive. When these issues first arise, you tend to blow it off as the need to adjust to being in a new relationship where issues tend to arise, believing it will pass once you both get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies and triggers. Well, 9 times out of 10, it doesn’t pass, it only intensifies over time, making you miserable but unable to leave because you love them and don’t want to abandon them or the relation’ship’, you feel your love can keep you both afloat on this slowly sinking ship. There will also be times when you stay in a bad relationship for the wrong reasons, whether it be for the children believing they will be eternally damaged if this person they’ve come to know is no longer around, to save face and prove others wrong, out of guilt for cheating and feeling staying is the best way to show gratitude for their forgiveness, or because you think your previous relationship failures were your fault and this time you’re going to do everything differently.

Okay, let’s start with staying for the children and why it never works! First of all, children see, feel and realize more than you could ever give them credit for. When you stay in a bad situation to give your children that 2 parent household, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons because you are not happy, there’s tension in the house and between the 2 of you and the children feel and absorb it. You’re also showing them it’s okay and the standard is to not expect to be happy, therefore, they will never seek and accept the true happiness they, and everyone else, truly deserves.

Now, the saving face part of staying comes from everyone else knowing it’s not going to work and have spoken to you about it, some have been consoling and concerned while others tell you bluntly with no cut cards. Your pride will keep you in a relationship which is not healthy for you or your partner and will damage you more than you could ever realize, it will affect every relationship you have moving forward if you don’t take the time to deal with and heal from it. You stay because you don’t want to give others the satisfaction of being right, refusing to acknowledge the problems, thinking if you focus on what’s left of the good, you can save it but you can’t, that ‘ship’ is going to sink eventually. Put your pride aside and save both of you by understanding and accepting it’s not going to work, let go of that which burns you. 

When you stay out of guilt of cheating and hurting someone, this is also never a good thing. They are hurt and will probably never get over it, no matter how many times they say “I forgive you, we’re good, let’s just move forward”, they are still wondering in the back of their mind if you kissed them like the person you cheated with or when you say you’re going somewhere is that really where you’re going. That trust, which was betrayed, will never ever be the same no matter what you do, no matter how much you communicate with them, no matter how many passwords and access to your life you give them, no matter how much time you spend with them, nothing you do will rebuild that trust to its original state, forgiveness doesn’t equal or restore trust. 

Now for the most self-destructive act of the 4 listed above: doing the 180 out of fear your past relationship failures were your fault and yours alone. I, personally, know people who have had a string of unsuccessful relationships and find someone new and believe they were the issue in the past, never seeing there were some good reasons those relationships didn’t work. When you stop being who you are, you’re not being true to you, your partner or your relationship, you’re letting your representative carry on a relationship and it’s exhausting because the real you is dying to come out and exist but you hold them at bay. When you try to change who you are, you sacrifice your morals and ethics just to appease someone else, a person who doesn’t really even know you, how is that love? How could that ever be successful? Expecting a man to be a man is not a bad thing, it’s a standard no one should ever compromise just to say they’re in a relationship. Your partner sharing your short comings with family and friends to diminish your credibility and tarnish your character is not okay, you shouldn’t accept it this time just as you wouldn’t have accepted it in the past. When we grow and mature, we do see the areas we need to change, we don’t fly off the handle so quickly, we don’t get stank attitudes with wait staff, we don’t have a bratty attitude and throw tantrums when things don’t go exactly how we planned, all that is the shit we should change and let go of, it’s called adulting. 

When you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t working, you try and communicate with your partner and truly believe in your heart your pain is heard and acknowledged and you both will be able to move forward in the relationship together. Well, the reality is this, if they are only changing the things about them that upset you for you, they won’t stick and you’ll soon be right back at square one and even more miserable because you trusted and believed they would change for the better. At some point, you’ll get to the point you’ve had enough and decide it’s over and break up. Now you’re hurting but know it was for the best but your former partner doesn’t see it that way, you’ll find that the more you get yourself together, your mate will try every ploy in the book to make you jealous enough to want them back and, eventually, you cave and are right back in a situation which is more miserable than when you left but you stay, why? This person who claims to love you is verbally abusive, calling you out of your name, making you feel lower than dirt, dating your friends to make you jealous but still you give it another shot. How’s that working out for you?   

In the beginning of a reconciled relationship, everything will be better than before because you are both so happy to once again be united, you both do everything right and are sweeter than sugar. But, alas, that newness wears off and you’re back in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you and has done no work on themselves. No relationship is perfect because no person walking this earth is, life has its ups and downs, it’s how you handle them as to what dictates your happiness or misery. It’s all about choices.

Sacrificing your morals and self-respect to be in a relationship has nothing to do with growth, it’s nothing more than settling and giving up everything you believe in just to not be alone, regardless of how miserable you may be, you’re content being in a sub-par relationship and now live a life of mediocrity. No relationship will be easy all the time but you also shouldn’t be miserable, questioned, put down, or made to feel less than more than you are happy. The choice is always yours, do you choose to be miserable in a way less than stellar, joy inducing relationship or do you choose yourself and to be happy and healthy? I don’t know about you but