I know there are many who make fun of my guilty pleasure of ratchet reality tv but last night, there was a scene which spoke directly to today’s subject: Support. One of the main characters was having severe financial issues but didn’t tell anyone, she thought she could handle it on her own and her pride got in the way of reaching out before things got to be too much. The issues became too much and she mentioned what was going on to her friend who asked her “Why didn’t you come to me before it got this bad”? I can answer that for her: PRIDE. 
At some point in everyone’s life, they need some type of support. The support can vary from emotional to financial to even physical or it could be a combination of all three. There will be times when you are the supporter and others when you need the support, it happens to the best of us. It is in the moments of need we learn about who people truly are by the way they offer their support.
When the need for support arises and someone comes to you in a time of need, how you respond in that initial moment shows a lot about your character. Do you offer support with a lecture or advice? Do you sit there patiently listening to the situation at hand, never offering an unwarranted opinion? Do you offer support with no strings attached? Which of these people are you?
It is hard for a lot of us to go to someone and say “I need help”, pride is a monster and will have us struggling more than we need to. Pride makes us believe if we can’t handle everything on our own, we are somehow a failure of sorts. If we lose a job and money is tight, we will go without eating as long as we can instead of telling our loved ones how hard it truly is, we don’t want to disappoint them. We also are less likely to share our hardships because the people we need help from are also the same ones who have lectured us whenever we have fallen on hard times.
Here’s the fact of the matter: no one falls on hard times on purpose, shit happens and it happens to every one of us at some point and time in life. Do you really think responsible adults are happy to be unemployed with no idea how they are going to keep their lights on, gas in their vehicle, pay their car note, keep a roof over their heads, and food on the table? Now, don’t get it twisted, there are some lazy folks out there, I get that but they’re not the ones I’m referring to right now…………….and, honestly? I don’t think I’ll ever address them. Companies downsize and change management all the time which affects the employees’ livelihood but it’s not the company’s concern how you’re going to feed your family because it doesn’t affect their overall numbers.
When someone has fallen on hard times, the last thing they want to hear is a lecture on why they are in that position. Some people have a tendency to kick others while they’re down because they’re already close to the ground, forgetting the times they had nothing and someone else was going into debt to pay their bills for them. No one is above a struggle, no matter how hard we may try, NO ONE! When someone comes to you in a time of need, understand how hard things truly are if they are swallowing their pride to even tell you how hard it is. There are people in my life who’ve been less than stellar in the support department because of the lectures which come with their support.
Personally? I don’t feel as though you’re truly supportive if you are making someone feel lower than ant piss with a lecture. I guess I’m just a different type of person and owe it to those who’ve kicked me when I’ve been down because that’s the last thing I would ever do when someone reaches out to me.
If someone comes to you about a situation which was traumatic to them, they’re doing so to share and keep you involved in their lives, not for you to solve it with your line of questioning and judgements such as: Interrupting while they speak on the situation. Asking questions and making statements such as: Why were you there? Well, why did you drink? What were you thinking? I thought you knew better than to get yourself in that type of situation but I guess I was wrong. The worst thing you could ever say is: Hmph, I don’t know why you didn’t listen to me from the beginning, you’d never be in this situation if you listened to me. Really?! That’s what you’ve got for me? An “I told you so”? For those who are unaware, that is NOT how you support someone who’s been through something traumatic. 
Some don’t understand how many times those they care about struggle and suffer through traumatic experiences just so they don’t get a lecture as to why they’re in their current predicament. These types of reactions are why so many women don’t report date rape, they’re made to feel as though it’s their fault because they were on a date with someone they knew and sex was always a possibility. Trust me, when you agree to go on a date with someone, you are not agreeing for it to end in sex and sincerely feel and believe your “No” would be respected.
People’s actions and what feels like a lack of concern is what builds walls and tensions between those they were once close with. I’m the type of person who is known as the giver of many chances because my thought is: where would I be if I’d never received a 2nd or 3rd chance? I never want to make someone feel alone in their struggle because I’ve been there. The type of support I’ve received has made me a better person with others in their time of need because I know what it’s like first hand.
You will also have people in your life who offer you such support it’s hard for you to accept and fathom due to the lackluster support you’re used to receiving. When you’re used to getting a lecture and being told, in so many words, you’re a screw up when you reach out, you don’t know how to act when someone offers help with no strings attached. There are so many cruddy people in this world and directly in our lives, we always think everyone wants something for their help. Well, I’m here to tell you, there are genuine people who just want to help you. It’s truly sad that those you turn to first and think would help you aren’t the ones who are there for you the most.
Back to my reality tv episode: the one who needed help had gotten her car repossessed because she had left a corporate job to follow her dreams and was having problems making ends meet and her boss, who is also a very good friend, gave her the money to get her car and drove her where she needed to go. It touched my heart because he was just there for her as he told her, “We’ve all been here before” and shared his personal experiences with her. He stated, “I’ve watched my mother’s car get repossessed and had my own taken away and felt the same as you. I knew I never wanted to feel like that again and did what I could not to”. And then he said the words which mean more than people understand when they’re spoken from a genuine heart: Don’t worry, you will be okay. I’m here for you and you have others who love and care about you, all you have to do is tell us what’s going on. Her tears of gratitude melted my heart because it felt personal with me to have someone willing to help you with no strings attached, they want to help because they care about you.
When someone you were once close with stops reaching out and sharing what they’re going through, please understand they didn’t come to that conclusion and action all their own, you gave them the blueprint of what to share. We all have the ability to either break someone down or build them up, the choice is 100% yours. I don’t know about you but my mission is to always build another up, even if I don’t have the money they need, there are other ways I’m able to support them. Sometimes just being there for someone, listening as they cry and vent is all they need to move forward with belief in themselves that it’s not the end of the world. It cost nothing to be kind and build another human being up with words of encouragement. Next time someone comes to you in need of support, take a moment to think how you would feel if they came at you the way you’re coming at them. I promise it will change your response and make you a better human being.