As most of you know, I am single, was once married but have since divorced the father of my two beautiful daughters and very fortunate to be very good friends with my Wasband. Now that we have that out of the way, would someone please explain to me what this new-fangled dating stuff is all about because a sista is truly lost when it comes to dating.
I’ve been on the dating scene for a couple years and it’s so different than prior to being married. The little bit of experience I’ve had dating is truly disappointing, depressing and discouraging which is why I’m still single. Some will call me a prude because I don’t go on one date and proceed to jump in bed with some nearly unknown guy, I’m looking and am worth so much more than a quick lay and so are you.
When did dating become all about sex first with the possibly getting to know each other later? I stepped out on a limb and followed the advice of a friend to give a particular guy a chance. I figured since he was older than me, he would have his stuff together and, for the most part, he actually did! However, just because he was over 50 years old with a steady and stable career, his own house, easy on the eyes, and actually a gentlemen…………………on the outside doesn’t mean he’s a keeper. When we had our first real date, he held my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “We need to have sex to get it out of the way and get to know each other”. Ummm, wait, hold up, WHAT? 
Okay, if this is the “new” dating, I’ll be that spinster cat lady because I am not settling for nonsense such as that. I do not care how much money you have, how big your house is, or how many other women would love to date you, if you can’t show me respect, please step to the left because you are blocking my real Boo.
For me, taking a woman out on a date means actually planning it yourself from beginning to end; this is the way to gain my attention. I am in no way stating you need to spend a whole lot of money to pull this off because the best dates can cost under $15 but so many are worried about getting in our panties they believe the more they spend, the greater their chance of getting laid is. While this method may work for some, it doesn’t work for all of us, sorry, not sorry.
Men have stopped trying because women have stopped demanding something other than a nice dinner in order to give up the goods. The funny thing is? Most women don’t even know what a good, get laid dinner is! Taking a woman to the Cheesecake Factory is not a get laid worthy meal. 
Women have become so strong and had to learn to do things on their own that any sort of romantic effort by men is seen as weak and inferior. Both genders have been so hurt and damaged by each other we either don’t appreciate the effort nor do we bother to put it forth to make another person feel special. I’ve sat with my friends as we discuss the crappy dates we’ve had to endure with men who don’t appreciate us for who we are. I’m blessed to have the people in my circle I do but am saddened this lazy dating is happening way too often to too many good people.
However, all females are not like me and my friends and expect a man to go into debt to impress them with an extravagant date, believing the more he spends means the more he cares. This is so far beyond the truth but society has tainted our image of what courting and wooing a member of the opposite sex should consist of. I am very old school and believe a man should pursue a woman he is interested in but that’s not how society works nowadays. In present day, a guy wants a woman to approach him, buy him drinks and ask him out on a date. Huh? When did the roles do a 180? When did men stop being men and approaching women they’re interested in?
A girlfriend of mine got so tired of the lackluster effort being put forth by men, she actually created a Facebook page about it entitled: How to Date DC. She shares a multitude of ideas on inexpensive, sometimes free, ideas on dating with your heart and mind instead of your hormones. There are so many females who would prefer the bad boy who treats them like garbage that the good guys don’t even try anymore because they’ve been called corny or weak for believing taking a walk on the National Mall on a spring/summer evening was romantic and sweet.
HEY! Don’t listen to Fun’quisha! That is a good date and means more than a lobster dinner at a fancy restaurant. In this day and age, if a man is not driving a certain, high dollar car, wearing name brand everything with his pants hanging off his ass and has an ignorant demeanor, majority of females don’t want them. Can I just say I’m glad I’m grown and not in my 20’s anymore because I don’t find a guy whose jeans are tighter than mine sexy? Okay, I digress.
To me, the best dates are the ones where you take a nice walk in a scenic area, usually near water, where you can talk and get to know each other. See, I’m not a foodie so some fancy restaurant won’t impress me. If you want to impress me, take me to ColdStone so I can get my favorite ice cream and eat it while we talk. May not always be pretty but dammit, I’m happy!
GASP! Calm down, yes, I said TALK to one another. The further advanced technology becomes, the further we grow apart from one another, people are now breaking up via text message! They don’t have the cojones to speak to them face to face and break up with them, showing some semblance of dignity and the respect they truly deserve.
The art of dating has been lost in communication as well. When is the last time you actually spoke to someone on the phone every day? We are so technologically advanced we don’t know how to communicate, phone calls have been replaced by text messages or liking a status your loved one has posted. When was the last time you actually hand-wrote a letter to someone you care about? Yes, email and text are faster but they’re so cold and impersonal. When you take the time to pen a letter or even a card to someone, your love is in each stroke, you can’t say the same about an email or text.
Ladies, please don’t believe I’m speaking only to men right now, we have to do better as well. Men stop putting in the effort when they feel it’s going unappreciated. Even though I kind of demand the door be opened for me by the man I am with, I still say “Thank You” each and every time. When was the last time you planned a date with or even told your Boo how much you appreciate them?
Too many of us sit around all day, month and year waiting for our mate to plan every outing for us, never putting forth the effort to even make a suggestion. Do you not think they get tired of always planning each and every detail, hoping you’ll be pleased enough with their effort you might actually put some forth? As harsh as this is going to sound, it’s not always all about you and it’s even less about you when you’re in a relationship with another person.
Get it together and start making suggestions and planning outings that you know they like and will make them feel special because you expect no less from them, right?
I know it’s terrifying to be vulnerable with another person, you feel as though you’ll look like a corny, weak fool for doing something sweet. Trust me, there are people who appreciate the effort and will match it as long as they feel it’s appreciated. 
We all boast about being Kings and Queens but how are you ever going to find your royal partner if you’re giving up the most sacred part of yourself for a meal or some drinks? Let’s get back to courting and letting each other know we’re deserving of taking our time to actually get to know one another outside of the bedroom, you have so much more to offer than what rests between your legs; you have intellect, heart and passion for life. Being intimate is actually has nothing to do with sex, it’s about connecting on a mental, intellectual, spiritual and emotional level. So, check out my girlfriend’s page: How to Date DC get some ideas of what to do around town for next to nothing financially but everything emotionally. Go on out there and find yourself your Boo and woo their socks off!
After some time, reality begins to set in and problems will arise within the relationship but you both get thru them with communication and you still believe this is forever. But alas, it’s not, there are problems no amount of communication are able to overcome. You know in your heart and soul it’s over but you stick around because your momma didn’t raise a quitter and you don’t want to hurt this person. Staying in a relationship after it’s already over and you’re done actually causes more damage to the both of you than ending it when you were both healthy. Now, this person who once looked at you with nothing but adoration and love saves the most painful stank eyes strictly for you.
You’re no longer in a relationship because there is so much disdain and loathing you each do things to drive the other person further away so you can be the bad guy. Why did you stay?
I don’t know about most of you but at this point in my life, I want and settle for nothing less than happiness.
If your home life is truly that good and happy, why aren’t you spending more time there? Did I lose myself during my marriage? Yes, I most certainly did because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do and it took me a lot longer than it should have to realize how wrong I was. I now know, understand and respect there is a healthy balance between hanging out and socializing with friends and spending time with your Boo.
I’ve heard so many times how complicated it is due to sharing a house or business with their partner so they stay and do whatever they want as though they’re single. What makes you think you can’t have all of that without them? If you’re staying in a relationship for Louis Vutton, you’re in it for the wrong reasons and your soul will never rest easy. All of the items you’re able to purchase is not love or commitment to that person, it’s only satisfying a shallowness within you and that won’t last no matter how big your house or bank account is. For me, being with the person I love and loves me means so much more than money. Believe it or not, when you’re in a relationship for the right reasons, all of those things will actually come easy.Again, I guess I’m an anomaly in this area as well. I watched those I love have everything materialistic they could ever want but they were miserable and the relationship didn’t last because enough couldn’t be bought to make them happy. I learned never to sacrifice my soul for any amount of money.
When I was having doubts and questions about my marriage, believing it was what I was supposed to do because it was GOD’S ideal, my cousin said something which changed my whole outlook and understanding: GOD never meant for you to live a life of misery. I can and do want happiness for everyone but I can never want it more for you than you’re willing to want it for yourself.
When you’re happy, you’ll never have to actually tell anyone, you’ll emit it in every action and facial expression and it’s contagious. Go on out there and start infecting others with your joy, love and happiness!
She worked a full time job and still doted on her children and husband with nurturing love and respect.
We all go thru phases of our lives when we’re girls and not women, it’s a growth period. I’ve been the indignant customer, speaking with a stank tone to wait staff because I wasn’t in a good mood and decided to take it out on the least suspecting person. In no way am I proud of my behavior but glad I made it thru that particular phase to make it over to this side of grown-ness. It’s a process many fight and resist because growth isn’t always comfortable. Here’s my question: when a 50 year old woman causes a scene and gets loud and ratchet with another female for basically existing, is that not more uncomfortable than growth? 
Personally, being in the same vicinity and having to witness it is uncomfortable for me, can’t imagine what it’s like for those who are out with that 50 year old girl.
Yes, there will be days/nights when you just don’t feel like cooking and order carry-out and that’s fine, just as long as it’s not every single day. I would never label myself a chef but I have the capability of throwing down in the kitchen because a grown woman raised me to do so. A girl will expect her man to take her out every day and night or even cook for her all the time because she more or less refuses to cook at all. Honey, not many of us feel like making a home cooked meal all the time but we do it because it’s what’s best for our family.
When a grown woman dresses up, she puts thought into every aspect of her entire ensemble, ensuring each piece compliments the other. A woman attending an adult affair dons a dress which compliments her figure without looking as though she should be standing on the corner accepting offers to ‘party’, subtle make-up accenting her greatest features without looking like paint thinner is required to remove it. Her shoes may be stilettos but they’re not clear stripper heels, and her choice of fragrance is subtle but noticeable and doesn’t make your eyes water when she passes by. A woman doesn’t need to say a word when she enters an event, her confidence speaks louder than someone announcing her entry over a microphone.
You guessed it, this is girl behavior because a woman will make an effort to discuss whatever the issue is to squash the negativity. There won’t always be resolution to every situation because when you’re grown and dealing with a girl, you’re on two different levels and their childish behavior will be prevent it. A grown woman will walk away from this situation with her head held high and continue to live her life and do for herself and family, praying for the person who is stuck on something so very insignificant and irrelevant to her overall well-being and peace of mind.
Whereas a grown woman will sit in her home, sipping her wine in some comfy jammies watching TV in her well air conditioned or heated house instead of hitting the bar scene just to be seen. Everyone loves to have a good time hanging out, having a few drinks, and socializing with friends but it’s not always in the budget. There will be times you encounter an unexpected bill or a friend/family member who needs help financially and, if you respect this instead of shucking the responsibility to get drunk? Congratulations, you’re a grown woman, no longer a girl.
Social media is not the place to air your dirty laundry and torrid affairs, a grown woman knows, understands and respects this. She will utilize her social media platform to grow her business and encourage others with drama free, inspirational quotes or funny memes. The girl is the one who thinks social media is the platform to tell everyone what her Baby Daddy did or didn’t do, call him a shiftless Negro and reel in other small minded girls to get sympathy and people to join in bashing him. 
The commenters may not even know him but will still call him out of his name and stroke her ego while bashing their own Baby Daddies.
Personally? I couldn’t possibly care less about Valentine’s Day and it doesn’t matter whether I’m single or in a relationship, it’s just another day on the calendar to me. Who are the greeting card people, florist and chocolate makers to tell you how and when to show your love and adoration for someone else? And, why should you wait for this one day out of 365 to show your love? Never made much sense to me.
A woman taking her man out to dinner on a Tuesday and picking up the check is another gesture too few do on any kind of basis. When our girls were younger, the wasband doing the nightly ritual of bathing and putting them in bed so I could relax touched my heart and meant more than some fancy meal at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day. Either washing and vacuuming out my vehicle or taking it to get detailed is yet another gesture of love and appreciation. Again, it’s the little things which mean the most in the game of love.
To those in relationships, you have high expectations of your Boo doing something uber exciting, romantic and fabulous on that one day. For those providing the services, there is so much pressure shown via social media, tv and magazines, you want to make sure to spend and be creative enough to measure up to the hype of a fictional holiday. Yes, I called it a fictional holiday because we don’t get the day off work, children still go to school, therefore, it’s not a holiday. For 364 days of the year, there’s so much emphasis on learning to love ourselves but on this one day it’s about proving your love to another and lavishing then with gifts. 
Forget about yourself on February 14th, it’s all about another person and how much you spend is supposed to show how much you care.
I probably sound like a curmudgeon about love and romance but, in reality, I’m actually the sappiest and mushiest person you’ll ever meet when it comes to it. I just don’t like or agree with Valentine’s Day being dictated as the only day to show your love. Where’s all the romantic candies, jewelry and lingerie on August 12th? What’s wrong with sending/receiving flowers or even just a single rose simply because it’s Tuesday and you were on their mind? 
Ever sent a card to your Boo’s job? Think about it, they’re sitting at work and go to check their mail slot, anticipating nothing more than junk flyers about seminars and there’s a handwritten envelope with their name on it with a card inside from you letting them know you are thinking of them. Yes, this is what I did for my wasband when we were married; I’d go and get a handful of the $.99 cards and spread them out over the month so he’d be surprised all the time. 
See? Sappy and I don’t even care, I embrace this quality about myself and welcome it with open arms and you should too. Never let someone make you feel corny for showing someone you care about them, it doesn’t make you look weak and, more importantly, it’s not about them.
Again, something so small which makes a huge difference. Please understand, though, opening doors for a woman is more of a show of respect than a romantic gesture. If you’re only holding those doors open in an attempt to get laid, there’s nothing romantic about the reasoning behind it and doesn’t guarantee sex.
If I want some chocolate, I’m going to get myself some chocolate, not wait on someone else to think of me and get it for me. Do I enjoy having a Boo do these things for me? Sure I do, who doesn’t? I just know I am fully capable of loving myself and refuse to let one made up holiday get me down because I don’t currently have anyone filling that role right now.
See you on the clearance aisle next Wednesday, I’ll be the one with the cart full heart shaped clearance items!
This same person you would give your life for is saying things which indicate they wouldn’t do the same because they are angry. First thing I would like to say is: no matter how angry you may get, it is never okay to speak unfiltered with no consideration for the person you are speaking to. I understand getting upset and wanting to hurt them with your words the way they are hurting you but all that results in is broken spirits, hurt feelings, further misunderstandings and damage to an otherwise healthy relationship.
I guess I’m the anomaly here because I don’t argue, it’s a waste of my time and energy. Will I raise my voice? Yes, in an attempt to be heard by the person screaming at me and for the yelling to stop. The back and forth yelling, cussing and spewing of insults is juvenile and I’m grown, therefore, not my circus, not my monkeys.
Pride is stronger than the willingness to do right and that’s why pride is 1 of the 7 deadly sins. Pride will prevent you from living a peaceful life and having all it has to offer. When you are prideful, you refuse to apologize first, feeling if you do that it makes you weak in some way so, you stand firm and behave like a spoiled brat, with crossed arms and pouty lips.
When the shoe is on the other foot and their feelings are hurt by something you’ve said, this same person never grants you the forgiveness you seek and will hold it against you for what feels like eternity. How is that? They expect and damn near demand forgiveness for their actions and words against another person without even offering so much as a “My bad” but don’t offer that same level of forgiveness when the exact same thing happens to them? 
This is a mentality I will never claim to understand, it’s not a thought process I ever want to be comfortable with possessing and acting upon.
No, you would handle it with extreme care, making sure it remained in pristine condition at all times. If you were to drop this heirloom and it shattered, it would affect you deeply because you know it can’t be replaced and would never be the same even if you put all the pieces back together. 
Well, that’s the same thing with people and their feelings and emotions, they are just as precious, rare and fragile. When you hurt another person’s feelings with your words and actions, you are shattering that heirloom, pieces going everywhere. 
Unfortunately, there are those who will look at the damage and step right over it, expecting you to put it back together yourself. If you are fortunate, you will have those who stay with you and help you repair your ‘heirloom’ as best you can together. These are the keepers and ones who care about your feelings and well-being. The other ones? They are concerned about themselves and their own well-being and irritated you are taking time to actually put those pieces back together.
The next time you find yourself in a situation which is getting heated, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before you react out of anger and ignorance. Yes, those who only know how to *ahem* communicate by yelling and putting another person down, they are ignorant and childish. I know no one likes drama but sometimes that drama and pettiness comes to you to enable you to grow by not reacting in the same manner. While it’s hard to always be the bigger person, understand He wouldn’t bring you to it unless He planned to bring you through it. The best defense mechanism you can display when someone is confronting you with anger is remain to calm. 
If someone were watching from the outside in, they wouldn’t be able to tell who the fool was if both of you are yelling back and forth, no matter if you’re only trying to defuse the situation or not. So, straighten your crown and handle yourself as only a king or queen should, with nothing but dignity, grace and self-respect. 