Month: August 2017

Look at you working life like a boss! Your career is going well, your children aren’t failing out of school or getting locked up (they’re still children, there will always be issues), you have yourself a good group of friends who, for the most part are drama free ~ life is good. BUT you miss the companionship of the opposite sex………………who am I kidding, you miss getting laid every once in a while, who doesn’t? I mean, you could have the best girlfriends, fattest bank account, and your child can be on the dean’s list but momma needs some lovin’ every so often and it’s perfectly normal, we’re only human! Maybe you’re recently out of a relationship and just want to heal and have some ‘me’ time so, you have your flings here and there but still feel empty and unsatisfied because you can’t find that one person who does things (and you) the way you like enough to go back and make it a friends with benefits type of situation. You’re both on the same page of not wanting a relationship at this juncture and the sex is the BOMB! But, as time goes on, you start questioning what this has actually become and you didn’t get here by yourself…..

If you’ve ever been in a friends with benefits type of situation, you understand what a sticky wicket it can turn out to be, feelings are bound to get involved because you are being intimate with this person. Most people neglect to recognize the most important word in that term: Friends. You are getting to know this person, you converse and begin to care for them as a friend, not a partner or Boo, just a friend you have some great sex with. Now, if you don’t want to risk any feelings getting involved, simply keep it at F Buddies and I guarantee you won’t have as many issues. See, there are distinct differences between F Buddies (FB) and Friends With Benefits (FWB). An FB is someone who you’ve had sex with before and you know they gets the job DONE, it’s guaranteed mind blowing sex, you call them only after midnight, you leave as soon as the act is finished, there is no lingering around and chatting, that’s not what you went there for, and definitely no phone calls or texts outside of “You home” or “Wyd”? They serve one purpose and one purpose only, you don’t really even know if you have anything besides sex in common because anything outside of that bedroom in the wee hours of the morning is not your concern. Now, an FWB is where it gets complicated because this is someone you hang out with, have similar taste in music and movies, can carry on intelligent conversations with, you’re comfortable with them, and have some good sex together. Here are a couple of things these 2 situations have in common: you don’t get downright nasty and do things such as oral sex, bondage,threesomes or dates, that’s shit you save for your real BOO; there is never any spending of the night; no expectations of it being anything more than sex; no cuddling after sex; and definitely no discussion of feelings of love. YIKES, the L word with someone whose mother you haven’t even met?

How many times have you had the “I don’t want a relationship” card pulled on you? This is somewhat of a “” card because they can pull it at any time they want. If something happens and you get upset or jealous, they don’t have to care about your feelings because, remember, you’re not in a relationship. They feel they don’t have to entertain the “Where is this going” conversation because they have reiterated to you that this isn’t and they don’t want a relationship. However, they are acting like your Boo! They are sending mixed signals left and right, leaving you dazed and confused and will actually act offended as to why you thought it was more than it was. This person invites you over or asks to see you 5 out of 7 days of the week, cooks for you or lets you cook for them, gives you free reign over their home, lets you meet their children, shares intimate parts of their life and experiences, cuddles you as you sleep, and hits it raw! But will be sure to tell you they aren’t your Boo. Yeah, I know, your head is spinning just as mine is because that’s a very confusing situation to be in. They are showing and acting like your Boo but won’t see you outside of the house or take you on an actual date because that’s what would make it a relationship, right? In today’s society, we’ve settled for being in situationships instead of acknowledging it for what it is ~ a relationship ~ out of fear of scaring this potential mate away.

It’s comical to me and sad at the same time how many people don’t know what it actually means to be single and these are the same people who are crossing the FWB lines and feel they’re single because they say they don’t want a relationship. Being single means just that, you are single, you hang with your friends, can go on dates with multiple people or stay in the house and veg in your jammies all weekend, you don’t have to answer to anyone about your whereabouts or what you’re doing, you sleep alone every single night, essentially, you are your own person and responsible for you. Just because you don’t label something doesn’t mean it’s not something more than what you claim you don’t want or are ready for. If you aren’t ready for a relationship, be single, don’t entertain anyone else right now, don’t bring anyone else into your drama or world because they will catch feelings of some sort, it’s bound to happen no matter how many times you say “I don’t want a relationship”. If you don’t want a relationship, stop acting like my Boo and let’s just be FB so I can do what I want to do without the guilt of possibly hurting you or getting hurt from seeing you out with someone else. To treat someone like your Boo but never give the respect of actually letting them be your Boo is why there are so many damaged humans who, in turn, do the same thing to the next person.

If you are not ready, willing or able to take someone on a dates and be an active part of their life, don’t let them spend the night, don’t cook for them or let them cook for you, don’t let them run errands with you, don’t let them supply your habit, and don’t have sex with them without protection because that’s shit that is done in a relationship. You don’t want a girl/boyfriend? Call up that one person who is as interesting as a box of rocks and good for nothing more than blowing your back out and curling your toes, that person who you’d never take home to meet your family because you don’t even really like them, you just like their sex.  These 2 terms were created because people thought it would be a simple, non-complicated way of getting the benefits of getting laid without having any strings attached or actually having to work for the sex. When did we become so unworthy of getting a date somewhere in between giving you some coochie/dang-a-lang? FB and FWB was supposed to be easy but it’s become more difficult than actually being in a relationship, at least in the relationship you know what the deal is! When you make the mature decision to claim your partner and put a status on what you’re doing, you know that: you’re together; you’re not free to date someone else; you’re free to let your freak flag fly with them and try things you normally wouldn’t; you can and are usually expected to spend the night; you share your whereabouts out of common courtesy and respect; and you are well within your right to ask at any point where this is going.

If you are not ready for a relationship, stick to one time sexual encounters with different people, don’t pick one person and make them your non-committed Boo, you’re worth more than that. FB and FWB situations rarely end well because only one person stuck to their guns about it being about nothing more than sex while the other person may have caught feelings. You can’t just have repeated sex and be intimate with a person and just walk away and start your life with someone else as though that other person never mattered. No matter how much you want to claim you never caught feelings because you knew what it was and never wanted a relationship, you still lose a friend when it ends when you’re not honest with yourself or them. Yes, telling someone you don’t want a relationship is showing honesty but to lead them on by acting like their Boo in every sense of the word outside of actually dating them is being dishonest. One of the worst things you can do is to lead someone on and then question and make them feel bad about catching feelings and developing expectations of “where this is headed”.

The main thing most fail to understand and recognize is that it’s not your sexual prowess which made this person fall for you, it was your character and how you treated them.

By now, anyone who reads my blogs is aware that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters. In speaking with other mothers who are single, I realize each and every day how truly blessed and fortunate I am to have the ex-husband and father of my children that I do. Having come from a broken home, my parents divorced when I was only 5 years old, I knew I wanted more for my children than I had, as most parents do. What I wanted for my children was for them to always have both of us in their lives in an active manner whether or not we were together as a couple. I didn’t want them to feel the tension and stress due to being miserable because my marriage didn’t work out. Their father and I made the decision that we would maintain our friendship and co-parent in a manner which not only benefited our children, it also helped us as adults going thru the life altering decision of ending our marriage.

There are women I know who are single parents to their children 95% of the time due to the father of that child/children being in his feelings towards the mother and taking it out on his seed. They fail to see that one has nothing to do with the other. First and foremost, no child asked to be here, that was a decision you both made when you laid down in that bed and planted that seed. I’m going to say what my father told me years ago: “In this day and age with all of the birth control options available to you, there is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy”. Yes, there will be times in which that birth control fails but nothing outside of abstinence is 100% and that’s something you have to keep in mind as well. I will not get into the whole Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate because everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I’ll leave it at that. If your birth control were to fail and you’re surprised with a pregnancy, that’s a discussion between you and the person you laid with, no one else.

When you and your partner make the decision to have a child, you’ve made an agreement to take care of this child emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally by always being there for them for the rest of your lives, not just while you’re cohabitating. Will money get tight?! Of course it will, children are expensive and that only increases as they get older. Trust me, I wish I could take my girls out to eat and still pay only a couple of dollars for kids’ meals but they eat more than I do at this point. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, they still need a roof over their heads, water to bathe with, electricity for heating/cooling/cooking, these are expenses for the child as well, not just buying them the latest pair of Jordans ® or flyest name brand gear which they will outgrow or destroy in a matter of months. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are together or not, your child still needs you there for their good, bad, happy and sad times, they need to know they matter to you more than hanging out in clubs all hours of the day and night. Your children are not here to listen to you moan, groan, bitch and complain about what’s not going right in your life, that’s the type of stuff we’re supposed to shield from and not unload on them. Children are not something you deal with when it’s convenient for you, once you made the decision to bring them forth into this world, it ceased being about you and what you wanted first, it’s about them and their well-being first and foremost.

The subject of child support is a very touchy and emotional one these days because you have fathers who bitch about how the money he’s giving to support his child is being spent. On the flip side of that, you have mothers who abuse the money given to them by the fathers and go get their nails and weaves done instead of buying clothes that fit their child. I get it, it’s messed up on both sides but, trust me when I tell you, we’re not all the same, the abusers make it hard for those who truly need the money. I know of a situation where the father swears up and down all day long that his daughter means everything to him, however, he doesn’t spend time with her, calls her every few days and offers nothing towards her well-being. This man doesn’t care if his daughter has eaten today or has clothes which fit her but makes sure to have the latest Gucci ® belt around his brand new jeans, with his fresh Polo ® shirt on and brand new sneakers every time he comes around. He and his daughter’s mother had a very volatile relationship and she finally broke free of it and him but that’s not good enough for him, he wants her back and their daughter suffers in the process.

The mother has asked the father for financial support on a regular basis but he ignores the requests and instead composes lengthy emails about how his misses his family and attaches love songs from their relationship. All the while, his daughter’s lunch account is $25 in the hole, her shoes have seen better days and she misses her daddy. This same guy told the mother of his child that if she took him for child support, he wouldn’t buy his daughter another birthday or Christmas gift, the mother would have to do that since “she wanted to be petty and take him for child support”. The ignorance of that statement totally blows my mind.

When you have a mother who is a mature adult, she will work with you and do what she can to keep both of you out of the court system. There will be times when the court needs to get involved and in those cases, she will still be a grown woman and work with you. There are men who are in arrears when it comes to child support and that can affect your driving abilities and freedom. As women, we know and understand that and do what it takes to make sure you don’t lose your job because you don’t have a license to get there or are sitting in jail. The one thing you have to remember is she is going to respond to you in the manner at which you come at her. I say this to mean, if you go to court and have a decent attitude, she will work with you but if you call her bitter because the court has made a decision based off your salary? Yeah, stop buying your fancy clothes because you have some arrearage to catch up on.

Another situation I am aware of involves a scorned woman with more than one child’s father. Now, the man takes care of and loves his daughter with everything he is and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for that little girl. However, her mother uses the child to get back at the father for breaking her heart by refusing to let him even see his daughter. This same woman only took him for child support because he married another woman instead of her and the proof of that is once he separated from his wife, she began actually giving him money back. Everything was going smoothly until she realized that his divorce didn’t mean a reconciliation between the 2 of them and she began keeping his daughter from him and has taken him back to court twice to get increases so she can take care of her other 3 children who have different fathers. This is an abuse of the system and the reason it is hard for there to be civility between 2 biologically grown people who should be focused on the well-being of the children, not the demise of a relationship.

One misconception I’ve heard before is child support and visitation go hand in hand, not true, one has nothing to do with the other. However, there are females who actually tell the fathers that since he is behind on child support, he can’t and won’t see his child until he is current. Sometimes, he just doesn’t have it but that doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t have time with him. At that point, the father gets resentful and bitter because he feels the mother is viewing the child as nothing more than a paycheck and he has to pay to spend time with his own seed. The one who is affected the most deeply is that child whose home life was already disrupted when the relationship ended, he no longer saw his father when he woke up every morning and before he closed his eyes at night. And now, due to selfish people who are in their feelings over the demise of that relationship, he doesn’t get to see his daddy on a regular basis. This poor child did nothing wrong but is the one being punished because his parents can’t get their shit together enough to be cordial and put his needs first.

Child support is not your personal wardrobe fund, it is to support that child in every aspect of life, whether it be food, lights, rent, field trips, school supplies, clothes, hair, etc. There also needs to be an understanding that just because you helped out with school supplies or paid for a field trip here or there doesn’t mean you deduct that from the child support payment, that’s still stuff a parent does, you don’t get brownie points for doing it. There are too many children out here suffering because they don’t have both parents in their lives due to bitterness and hatred towards each other, whether it be over the demise of their relationship or money. Do what you can to put your pettiness aside and remember who this is truly about ~ your seed and their well-being. Do what you can to spend time with your child regardless of how your ex feels about you, don’t let questions of money keep you away from knowing your child and being there for them. Put your pride and ego aside so you can be involved and contribute to a healthy human being growing up in a world full of hate and confusion.