Month: December 2019

Well, well, well, with the exception of New Year’s, another holiday season has come and gone and, I don’t know about you but, I am so happy when this holiday is over. I can finally flip thru the radio without hearing a Christmas song or scroll thru the tv channels without seeing advertisements for all the sappy holiday movies. I’ve noticed and also heard from others how this hasn’t felt like a very festive holiday this year. I know why it hasn’t for me but this year seemed kind of blah with everyone rushing around to get this or that expensive gift for their loved one all while negating the true meaning of the season. This season is supposed to be joyful and full of love but people are so nasty and irritated, pushing and shoving, trying to be the next in line as if they were the only ones who matter.

I do whatever I can to avoid going into the store throughout the year and absolutely refuse to go during the holiday season, online shopping is my saving grace and vice, because the negativity is stifling. When I was younger, it was a joy and privilege to see Santa and sit on his lap while your parents snapped a quick pic but now you have to sacrifice a bill just to get a few pictures with him.

This season has turned into yet another corporate created holiday about spending money to prove you love someone or are the better parent. As I was scrolling thru social media, a friend of mine stated he is an atheist but gets questioned about celebrating this holiday. Yes, I know most will claim the religious aspect of this holiday but, to me, it’s about gathering and fellow-shipping with family, friends and loved ones as well and those questioning him are the reason I rarely go to church anymore: the judgmental hypocrisy of the holier than thous. I promise this is not going to be a religious post; I’ve never done that and will not be starting today.

For some, this is an opportunity to spend time with loved ones while breaking bread, reminiscing about old times, laughing and just catching up while showering them with gifts from the heart as well as those which emptied bank accounts but, for others, it’s a debilitating, sad day because they are missing someone they loved deeply. Most days of the year, you are able to get thru without crawling into the fetal position and crying from the pain of loss.

The loss I’m referring to doesn’t necessarily mean a loved one who has passed on, it could be your Boo with whom you recently broke up with; loss is loss and the shit hurts like you can’t imagine. I, unfortunately, am one of those who dread this time of year because half of my beginning is gone. It’s amazing how much of an annoyingly jolly person I used to be and now find myself wearing nothing but black or dark colors for the majority of the month while everyone else is wearing the seasonal colors of red and green. I used to be that happy, joyous person who got up at 2 am the day after Thanksgiving to hit the stores with all the other maniacs looking for a great deal on the perfect gift and unnecessary stocking stuffers and then would come home to put up and decorate the tree to begin the Christmas season with holiday music blasting throughout the house. I am now a little ashamed to say I haven’t put up a tree for the last couple of years and the couple of years prior to that, my daughter put the tree up in hopes it would get me in the mood and holiday spirit, a mood I can no longer find because I don’t feel jolly nor am I in the Christmas spirit.  

I am blessed to have family and friends, who’re more like family than friends – my ‘bonus’ family, include me in their holiday celebrations every year but it’s not the same. I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day who lost his mother a few years ago and I admitted I don’t spend the holidays with my dad’s side of the family because it’s too hard. Yes, I know it’s selfish because I’m missing out on family but it’s not fair to them to sit there sulking because, no matter how many times the door may open, he never walks thru it.

I love, adore and appreciate my family but they are so much of an embodiment of him, I’m sadder being there than I am alone. I am one who prides herself on and opts for getting the unique gifts which touch someone’s heart because I just wanted to see them smile and no longer being able to see that look in his eyes has taken away some of the pride I was once overflowing with; touching my daddy’s heart was kind of easy because he was grateful for anything we ever got him. I remember going thru his things and finding the horrible ashtray I made him in grade school or helping to decorate his tree and seeing my chubby, childhood handprint ornaments; to know he kept it all still brings tears to my eyes. My daddy taught me that it had nothing to do with the amount you spent on a gift which made it special but everything to do with the thought put behind it. Okay, I lie because when I was a teenager, it was about the label and cost but I’ve grown up a lot since then. As a mother and adult, I get it now, well actually, my daughters taught me a few years ago when times were hard and I let them know I wouldn’t be able to get them very much but they melted my heart by saying, “It’s not about the gifts, we just want to be with you” and that made my entire year.

I am beyond grateful for my family and bonus family because, no matter how many times I may flake with whack ass excuses, they still invite me every year. I tend to make up an excuse not to show up because it’s hard and I don’t have the words to fully express the pain that loss constantly creates and that I’d rather be alone. They somehow know and understand but never press when I flake and don’t show up, they respect my pain and I couldn’t ask for more.

Here’s an example of how hard the holidays can get for those of us missing a loved one – on Christmas day, the girls went with their dad for part of the day and it was a struggle to wait until they left to sit in my chair and cry, I just wanted to be alone in my grief

but knew I couldn’t live there because I was responsible for half of the dinner at a friend’s house. For someone who never really cooks big meals and actually hates it, I impressed myself, this Queen made her first ham and it was delicious! I found that being responsible for other people’s food got me out of my head because I had to watch the food and think about seasonings and measurements. While cooking and creating desserts may have momentarily gotten me out of my head, it didn’t stop the pain and longing of providing nourishment for the man whose favorite thing to do was eat.

The other side of being sad or down during the holidays is having been with someone for a period of time, whether it be months or years, knowing them at their core, falling in love and now you’re no longer together and not speaking. When we’re with someone, knowing them intimately (not necessarily sexually), they become our best friend, our confidante, and safe space and when the relationship ends, it’s our friend we miss more than the sex. Don’t get me wrong, hitting a dry spell after the end of a relationship sucks but not being able to share your good and bad days with your friend is worse.

You may have been planning a future with this person and now, as you scroll thru social media and see all the engagements, happy couples and families looking so happy, you get down even more because you believe that was supposed to be you. No longer do you have the privilege of going shopping to find the perfect gift for your Boo nor will you be waking up to them to tell them Good Morning with your horrible morning breath. It’s not the engagements which make me feel some kind of way during the holidays, I’m genuinely happy for those who have made it to that level because I know who’s meant for me will appear when the time is right. What does get to me is not having that Boo to shop for or stay up all night drinking, laughing, listening to music, and talking as we wrap gifts for loved ones.

For those of you who still have your parents and are happily Boo’d up, I ask that you take every opportunity to tell them you love and appreciate them because there are many who no longer have the chance to do so. I also ask that you look out for your friends who are going thru the annual pain of missing their loved one during the holidays. Please understand we don’t need you to keep our schedule so busy we’re unable to think about our loss, we just need you to be there for us and be a safe place to shed tears and share stories about them.

Also understand it’s not about you or spending time with you, we love you but are stuck in the pain of a void which can never be filled by those who have passed on.

When I was growing up, I idolized my mother because she was always very well put together, I don’t think I ever saw my mother look like run over dog shit and just give up on her appearance no matter what was going on in her life. I was raised to always at least get dressed every day, it will make you feel better and, somehow, it kind of does. She instilled in me to always look at least presentable because “you never know who you’re going to see or run into” and that still rings true in my ears to this day. I can recall maybe 2 times when I had spent the day vegging hard in the house and remembered I needed something and ran to the store looking like absolute hell and,

wouldn’t you know, that’s when I saw everyone I had ever known in my life. Well, okay, I’m being a little dramatic but that’s how it felt even if it was just 1 person from high school it was one too many because they didn’t see me at my presentable best.

I know that when we get into relationships, we tend to relax our upkeep to a certain degree, both genders are guilty of it. We are under the notion of “I’ve got them and they love and adore me regardless of what I look like” and that is an unfair statement or outlook to have. Just as we want our partner to at least maintain themselves close to the level they were when we met, they want the same from us.

I’ve seen it all too often, when a woman has been with her Boo for some time, she stops really caring about her appearance as though neither of them are no longer worthy of her taking care of her hair, nails, and hair removal. What did you look like in the beginning and why did you stop? Is the person who chose and committed to you not worthy of seeing you without eye boogers and mouth crust? Aren’t you worthy of combing your hair more than once every couple of days?

When I was married, yes, I was comfortable around my husband, he saw me with my bonnet on, in mismatched jammies, looking like death when I got sick, and get cut open twice to bring forth our children into this world. No matter how ‘comfortable’ I got with him, I still maintained the regular feminine shit of shaving/removing hair from important parts of my body and basic upkeep.

Unbeknownst to most, I don’t grow hair on my arms or legs, friends have called me a hairless mole rat for this very reason but I know that’s just hate on the fact I don’t have to shave or endure stubble on my baby smooth legs; it’s a blessing I am grateful for.

Now, I’m not totally hairless, I still have to maintain my armpits and kitty and do so mainly for myself because having an afro shooting out when I raise my arm in a sundress or having to go up a size in my pannies to accommodate the 70’s porn star bush that’s formed due to neglect is not attractive to me at all. I know there are men who say that they don’t mind hair ‘down there’ but c’mon, what man wants to have to part the overgrown jungle between your legs to show some oral gratification?

Personally, I maintain her more than I did my under arms because, truth be told, I’ve never had a man ask me for some pit. Here’s the thing, when we get with our Boo’s and the relationship goes on for a period of time, we tend to get comfortable and think it’s okay to let ourselves go. Ladies, I am so sorry to be the one to tell you but it’s not okay; just because you have a man doesn’t mean it’s okay to give up on your appearance because you won’t keep his attention very long if that’s your mentality. Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s supposed to love and accept you for you and, yes, he should and does but he doesn’t like having to strategically roll over in the middle of the night out of fear of your toenails gashing a major artery in his leg because your toes look like you could swoop down and grab a salmon from a stream.

I will say that, while I was married, I made sure my nails and toes were always done but that was done partly out of being able to have 2 hours out of the house without young children, that was my time but I’m also a priss about my nails whether they be on my toes or fingers.

When you’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, you gain a sense of comfort to be yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s natural and lets them know you’re comfortable with and being around them. I believe everyone will understand that you know you’re comfortable with someone when you pass gas/fart around them. Now, guys are different because they, somehow, believe it’s hilarious to express themselves that way, regardless of the smell but women are a lot more discreet and try to be feminine as if we don’t rip ones when they’re alone. Head’s up guys, females fart too and some of them are very rank. Now, I, personally, would never give someone a Dutch Oven and would probably, undoubtedly beat the living hell out of someone for giving me one but I need to be accepted when my tummy hurts and I have the bubble guts.

Yes, I know this is taking what seems to be a disgusting turn but I also know many will be able to relate because a guy knows a female is comfortable around him when she ‘poots’, it’s natural, we all do it at some point. Here’s a little known fact, there are females who hold in their gas when they’re around their Boo because they want to seem dainty or strictly out of fear the smell will totally offend them to the point they don’t want to be with us anymore. This leads to an investment in antacids and random trips to another room to relieve the pressure. If they stay around after one of the salad farts, that’s your Boo for life!

Okay, let’s move on from the disgusting part of the relationship and get back to maintenance. While it’s true that men will look 14 months pregnant while wearing draws that resemble Venetian blinds and think they are the best thing since sliced bread, they will still expect you to maintain the appearance of a super model. They tend to negate the fact you’ve brought forth humans thru pregnancy a couple times and continue to work long hours which doesn’t afford you opportunity to go to the gym to get rid of the baby weight. Yes, it’s totally unrealistic and hypocritical but don’t you want to at least look good for yourself? This really isn’t about him at this point, Beautiful, it’s 100% about you and how comfortable you are in your skin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a great feeling to have the man you love adore every inch of your ever increasing physique but are you happy with it? I’ve seen it too many times, the woman gets comfortable because she feels she has him and lets herself go, there are no more pedicures (I have a thing about women’s feet not being taken care of and it’s not even a fetish), more armpit hair

than he has, a kitty with so much hair you can actually use a pick to fluff it out, and you’ve actually ceased the use of lotion! Really?! Would you initiate sex with someone who didn’t do the basics?! I will speak for myself and say, Hell NO, I expect my man to manscape and just take care of himself. So, when your Boo is out and a bad ass bitch who cares about her appearance because her hair, toes and nails are done who has decent conversation for him crosses his path, you don’t think his eyes and dang-a-lang will veer for a moment?

Fellas, the same rings true for us when you’ve given up even trying to look good for us and a brother wearing a suit and smelling good crosses our paths, our minds begin to wander as well. Now, if the man were to follow thru on his thoughts, he’s to blame because he can’t control himself but if a woman does it, he’s still to blame for not taking care of himself enough to keep her attention, double standard much? We blame him because he’s the one who made the commitment to you, right? In reality, he made a commitment to someone who cared about what she looked like even on her down days.

What many fail to understand is how easy it is for someone else to grab the attention of our Boo. This person is filling a void you’ve left by letting yourself go and ‘getting comfortable’. One thing both of my parents always reminded me of was: What you won’t do for your partner, there are many lined up waiting for the opportunity to step in and do for them.  When that door opens for the opportunity to cheat, it’s initially about sex because that is the first thing we give up because, duh, we’ve got them now, right? Why should we continue to pull tricks out of the bag to curl their toes, they love us which means we’ve done our job, right?

Again, no. Do you really think that because you curled your partner’s toes once or twice three years ago they’ll be good for eternity because they sleep next to your talon toed ass? Honey, sex won’t keep them any more faithful and loyal to you than your checkbook.

In the beginning of your relationship, you were the biggest freak for your man, pulling all kinds of tricks out of your bag, why did you stop? When you’re with someone for an extended period of time, you’re supposed to only get nastier with them, they didn’t sign up for you to turn into a nun and never be in the mood. Go in your closet or drawers and pull out that sexy outfit and those seductive heels and let your man make it rain on you!

I am not saying you have to ‘beat your face’ every day but at least pick the eye boogers out and clean out the crust from around your mouth if you expect them to give you a kiss at some point. The crust is just the beginning though, go to the store, get some razors and conquer the jungles that live under your arms and between your legs because, just like you’re not a fan of it, no man wants pubic hair going up his nose while trying to please you because, trust me, that bad bitch he met at the grocery store has a standing wax appointment to keep all areas smooth as a baby’s ass.

I will own, admit and proudly wear the crown of being a Ponytail Queen but, trust and believe, it’s never looked like an acorn on top of my head and I still have my edges which are smoothed and if you see me out in public running errands, my tshirt and jeans are clean. I don’t say all of this to suggest you live with a full face of makeup every single day while wearing snug fitting clothes which show off, and sometimes expose, your assets, I’m asking you to look in the mirror and remember who you were before your Boo entered your life.

I’m saying to be happy with who you see staring back at you. I used to be that female who wouldn’t leave the house without perfectly drawn on eyebrows until I met someone who told me I looked better without them and haven’t altered them since unless I have a special event.  

When you committed to your Boo, you took them off the market as they did you but it’s crucial to maintain the standard of the ‘market’ so you don’t lose them to someone who is still maintaining themselves. I’m going to give you a harsh reality right now, brace yourself. When you get comfortable and, literally, let yourself go, you are opening the door

for a wandering eyes and attention because your afro pits paired with your 70’s porn star kitty, caterpillar eyebrows, and monkey legs aren’t going to keep your Boo’s  attention especially when you’re no longer sexing them like the porn star you did when you first got together. I’m not suggesting you walk around like a beauty queen every day but utilize lotion and the waxing services in your area, show them some attention and let them know you are happy to have them in your life. I have a question for you: If your Boo met you in your current state, would they still be your Boo?