Well, well, well, with the exception of New Year’s, another holiday season has come and gone and, I don’t know about you but, I am so happy when this holiday is over. I can finally flip thru the radio without hearing a Christmas song or scroll thru the tv channels without seeing advertisements for all the sappy holiday movies. I’ve noticed and also heard from others how this hasn’t felt like a very festive holiday this year. I know why it hasn’t for me but this year seemed kind of blah with everyone rushing around to get this or that expensive gift for their loved one all while negating the true meaning of the season. This season is supposed to be joyful and full of love but people are so nasty and irritated, pushing and shoving, trying to be the next in line as if they were the only ones who matter.
I do whatever I can to avoid going into the store throughout the year and absolutely refuse to go during the holiday season, online shopping is my saving grace and vice, because the negativity is stifling. When I was younger, it was a joy and privilege to see Santa and sit on his lap while your parents snapped a quick pic but now you have to sacrifice a bill just to get a few pictures with him.
This season has turned into yet another corporate created holiday about spending money to prove you love someone or are the better parent. As I was scrolling thru social media, a friend of mine stated he is an atheist but gets questioned about celebrating this holiday. Yes, I know most will claim the religious aspect of this holiday but, to me, it’s about gathering and fellow-shipping with family, friends and loved ones as well and those questioning him are the reason I rarely go to church anymore: the judgmental hypocrisy of the holier than thous. I promise this is not going to be a religious post; I’ve never done that and will not be starting today.
For some, this is an opportunity to spend time with loved ones while breaking bread, reminiscing about old times, laughing and just catching up while showering them with gifts from the heart as well as those which emptied bank accounts but, for others, it’s a debilitating, sad day because they are missing someone they loved deeply. Most days of the year, you are able to get thru without crawling into the fetal position and crying from the pain of loss.
The loss I’m referring to doesn’t necessarily mean a loved one who has passed on, it could be your Boo with whom you recently broke up with; loss is loss and the shit hurts like you can’t imagine. I, unfortunately, am one of those who dread this time of year because half of my beginning is gone. It’s amazing how much of an annoyingly jolly person I used to be and now find myself wearing nothing but black or dark colors for the majority of the month while everyone else is wearing the seasonal colors of red and green. I used to be that happy, joyous person who got up at 2 am the day after Thanksgiving to hit the stores with all the other maniacs looking for a great deal on the perfect gift and unnecessary stocking stuffers and then would come home to put up and decorate the tree to begin the Christmas season with holiday music blasting throughout the house. I am now a little ashamed to say I haven’t put up a tree for the last couple of years and the couple of years prior to that, my daughter put the tree up in hopes it would get me in the mood and holiday spirit, a mood I can no longer find because I don’t feel jolly nor am I in the Christmas spirit.
I am blessed to have family and friends, who’re more like family than friends – my ‘bonus’ family, include me in their holiday celebrations every year but it’s not the same. I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day who lost his mother a few years ago and I admitted I don’t spend the holidays with my dad’s side of the family because it’s too hard. Yes, I know it’s selfish because I’m missing out on family but it’s not fair to them to sit there sulking because, no matter how many times the door may open, he never walks thru it.
I love, adore and appreciate my family but they are so much of an embodiment of him, I’m sadder being there than I am alone. I am one who prides herself on and opts for getting the unique gifts which touch someone’s heart because I just wanted to see them smile and no longer being able to see that look in his eyes has taken away some of the pride I was once overflowing with; touching my daddy’s heart was kind of easy because he was grateful for anything we ever got him. I remember going thru his things and finding the horrible ashtray I made him in grade school or helping to decorate his tree and seeing my chubby, childhood handprint ornaments; to know he kept it all still brings tears to my eyes. My daddy taught me that it had nothing to do with the amount you spent on a gift which made it special but everything to do with the thought put behind it. Okay, I lie because when I was a teenager, it was about the label and cost but I’ve grown up a lot since then. As a mother and adult, I get it now, well actually, my daughters taught me a few years ago when times were hard and I let them know I wouldn’t be able to get them very much but they melted my heart by saying, “It’s not about the gifts, we just want to be with you” and that made my entire year.
I am beyond grateful for my family and bonus family because, no matter how many times I may flake with whack ass excuses, they still invite me every year. I tend to make up an excuse not to show up because it’s hard and I don’t have the words to fully express the pain that loss constantly creates and that I’d rather be alone. They somehow know and understand but never press when I flake and don’t show up, they respect my pain and I couldn’t ask for more.
Here’s an example of how hard the holidays can get for those of us missing a loved one – on Christmas day, the girls went with their dad for part of the day and it was a struggle to wait until they left to sit in my chair and cry, I just wanted to be alone in my grief
but knew I couldn’t live there because I was responsible for half of the dinner at a friend’s house. For someone who never really cooks big meals and actually hates it, I impressed myself, this Queen made her first ham and it was delicious! I found that being responsible for other people’s food got me out of my head because I had to watch the food and think about seasonings and measurements. While cooking and creating desserts may have momentarily gotten me out of my head, it didn’t stop the pain and longing of providing nourishment for the man whose favorite thing to do was eat.
The other side of being sad or down during the holidays is having been with someone for a period of time, whether it be months or years, knowing them at their core, falling in love and now you’re no longer together and not speaking. When we’re with someone, knowing them intimately (not necessarily sexually), they become our best friend, our confidante, and safe space and when the relationship ends, it’s our friend we miss more than the sex. Don’t get me wrong, hitting a dry spell after the end of a relationship sucks but not being able to share your good and bad days with your friend is worse.
You may have been planning a future with this person and now, as you scroll thru social media and see all the engagements, happy couples and families looking so happy, you get down even more because you believe that was supposed to be you. No longer do you have the privilege of going shopping to find the perfect gift for your Boo nor will you be waking up to them to tell them Good Morning with your horrible morning breath. It’s not the engagements which make me feel some kind of way during the holidays, I’m genuinely happy for those who have made it to that level because I know who’s meant for me will appear when the time is right. What does get to me is not having that Boo to shop for or stay up all night drinking, laughing, listening to music, and talking as we wrap gifts for loved ones.
For those of you who still have your parents and are happily Boo’d up, I ask that you take every opportunity to tell them you love and appreciate them because there are many who no longer have the chance to do so. I also ask that you look out for your friends who are going thru the annual pain of missing their loved one during the holidays. Please understand we don’t need you to keep our schedule so busy we’re unable to think about our loss, we just need you to be there for us and be a safe place to shed tears and share stories about them.
Also understand it’s not about you or spending time with you, we love you but are stuck in the pain of a void which can never be filled by those who have passed on.