Welp, we’ve celebrated, not just another year but, the beginning of a whole new decade, woo frickin hoo. Everywhere you look, you see the same ol’ “New Year, New Me” bullshit. Yes, I call it bullshit because, if you’re so hell bent on being a better, newer you, why do you have to wait until the year changes on the calendar to do so? Why is it that no one ever makes that statement when the season changes from dreary dead trees to the newness of flowers once again in bloom in the spring? How come no one is as eager to shed their dead weight as the trees shed their dead leaves in the fall?
Yes, I know it sounds great to start a new year off with a new attitude and outlook on things to change which you don’t feel are working but why not use the beginning of a new week to make that change? It doesn’t have to be anything big nor does it have to be broadcast for the world to see on social media because, honestly, what if you slip, backslide or fail? How many people are going to genuinely and authentically be there for you to pick you up and encourage you to keep moving forward until you meet your goal?
About two or so months ago, a friend of mine challenged me to come up with 10 things I love about myself and, as I sat confidently with pen in hand, I stalled at #3! You see, my friend tasked me to do this in a sort of Self-Love movement that she, another girlfriend of ours and I have reluctantly joined together; the reluctance comes from being born in a generation which was taught not to brag on ourselves due to it appearing as being arrogant. It wasn’t until I stalled did I realize that I obviously had some shit I needed to work on and thru.
All this time of working on myself, I thought I had learned what self-love truly was even after having been broken and shattered by giving too much of myself to others because I thought they would return and repair me as I had done them. I thought that pulling myself up by the bootstraps after someone didn’t appreciate all I had to offer and shower upon them meant I loved myself but, guess who missed the mark a couple times on that one? You got it, me. I know there are people who say that self-love and self-confidence are inside jobs and, to a degree, I agree with that but when you have someone you love, cherish and adore constantly making you feel as though you’re not enough, the damage to both of those is an outside job which makes it harder to repair. Here’s a little tidbit about me: when I love, I love hard and give every ounce of myself to make the situation work and my partner happy and this has proven to be somewhat of a flaw because it has been taken for granted and shat on more than once. I realize now that pouring myself into someone who either wasn’t ready or didn’t know how to appreciate and reciprocate all I had to offer didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy and understand how it felt when I was going thru it and breaking myself while trying to see and defend the good in them. #NeverGoingBack ®
Being a very sensitive and insecure person, anything anyone has ever said to me about me has stuck to my spirit like glue and that, obviously, affected my self-confidence. When I was growing up, I was never given compliments on my appearance or character, instead I heard criticisms on things, some of which I could control and, others which were just how GOD created me. The one thing I forced myself to control was the sound of my laugh because my aunt told me she hated it. Yes, a grown ass woman told a child she hated her laugh without regards to what impact that would have on a child of 7 years old. Well, the impact is that 40 years later, I still stifle my laugh and cover my mouth out of fear the sound will offend someone else. I had another aunt tell me that I was a funny looking child because I “had such a big fat face, funny colored eyes and a wide smile” but I should take it as a compliment because I “finally grew into my features”. Yeah, those remarks, as well as many hurtful others, caused me to crawl inside of my shell of insecurity.
When you are never shown appreciation nor taught to love the oddities about yourself, you tend to feel as though you’re never enough and have to work that much harder just for someone to, not only accept but, love you. If you’re not good enough for those you share a bloodline with and are supposed to embrace all of you, how will you ever be good enough for someone you just met? Look at the source of those comments and criticisms, that’s how. So many of us are being held down and back by comments from those who are nowhere near having any of their shit together but somehow we’re in fear of disappointing them or they won’t like us and that is truly sad. What I experienced growing up is why I shower my daughters with compliments because I never want them to feel less than, I want them to embrace every part of their appearance and character with pride and strength. My youngest daughter showed me how this method may be backfiring because, while I was fixing my hair, she appeared behind me and said, to herself, “I’m so pretty”. Really?
Get out of my mirror with that nonsense! While I admired her confidence, I made sure to tell her that she shouldn’t do that around other people; there is nothing wrong with feeling that way about yourself but it could reap negative connotations when done around others who aren’t as secure within themselves.
Since begrudgingly stepping foot on this journey of self-love, I’ve come to realize it has nothing to do with self-confidence, they are total separate from one another. Don’t get me wrong, I am a confident woman who is aware I look better than some females half my age but it’s taken a lot for me to get here but I have arrived and embrace myself fully, no longer am I walking into a party and worrying if someone is talking shit about me because I know what that they eat doesn’t make me shit. My self-confidence reassures me that my presence is enough; I don’t have to have all of my assets on display to show I am a very attractive woman.
About a month or so ago, the singer/rapper/flutist Lizzo® received a massive amount of flack, as well as kudos, for showing her high level of self-confidence by twerking in a thong at a Lakers® game which got her entire ass plastered on the Jumbo Tron® for everyone to see. You had people saying she was right because she is a confident woman of color and size while others disputed there is a time and place for everything. I agree with there being a time and place for the baring of your ass cheeks because there were children and seniors there, someone may have had a coronary from seeing all that ass bouncing to the beat. During all of the controversy on social media, I tried my hardest not to get involved until someone stated that she was no different than the cheerleaders.
Ummm, those cheerleaders train for hours, actually have to try out to be able to perform in front of a crowd, utilize spray glue to ensure their bottoms don’t ride up their ass, and get paid to perform in those uniforms; none of which Lizzo® did. Yes, she is a confident woman whose confidence I admire because I would never have the gall to lift my skirt to reveal my ass in a thong and proceed to twerk in front of hundreds of thousands of people, hell, I couldn’t even do that in a room of 5 people! I am confident in my level and skill of twerking but very few have had the privilege of seeing my ass jump and rotate in a circle to the rhythm of a strong beat.
Along this journey of discovering and reclaiming the love of self I was never taught to truly embrace, I may have come off a bit arrogant to some by saying #IAmFire but I’m secure enough within myself to know that what others may think of me no longer matters nor affects how I feel about myself. Just in case you were wondering, yes, I was able to complete my list but it wasn’t without struggle. I actually chatted with my sister who rambled off a list of more than 10 things I should love about myself but she didn’t understand that what she saw wasn’t reflected in my vision. I have dealt with and survived sexual abuse from those I trusted, abuse in other forms from those I loved and thought would protect me, and the constant self-degradation thinking I wasn’t enough because some shiftless ass dude wasn’t secure enough within himself to appreciate and honor all I had to offer.
I am stating this right here, right now, just as #IAmFire, so are you! Just because you don’t take an excessive amount of time to put on tons of makeup to make yourself appear casket fresh or, in some cases, look like a totally different person or wear clothes so tight others can see your pulse doesn’t mean you’re not fire too.
Too many of us don’t realize that who and how we are in our natural state is more than enough and too few of us embrace it. It’s amazing to me that I had someone telling me, my entire life, that I was perfect the way I was but the negativity of others outweighed his words. The person who constantly reassured me that my extra weight was appreciated because “Men like meat, only dogs like bones” was none other than my daddy, Frank Strother. I’m stating this right here and now, embrace every flaw and oddity which makes you who and how you are, never let the words of another dictate how you feel about yourself. I am asking each and every one of you to join me on this journey of self-love and love who you are at your core. Please remember who you were created, bred and born to be and that is not determined by the opinions of others, brush off their negativity with ease.
This was a really good read.
Very good read indeed…