Month: January 2020

Today was supposed to just be a chill, get myself together for the work week while my daughter got herself ready for the upcoming week and we received the devastating news everyone across the world did: NBA Superstar Kobe Bryant perished in a helicopter crash this morning. When we learned of the news being true, my daughter said, “I hope his daughter wasn’t with him because she travels with him everywhere. Maybe they are mistaken”. Unfortunately, both reports are confirmed.

This heartbreaking and earth shattering news struck me on a couple of levels: that of a mother and daughter who’s lost her daddy. He made such an impact on the world that you didn’t even have to follow basketball to have been touched by his personality, this one hits home on such a personal level and spans across multiple generations.

For those who are unaware, I worked in the funeral business for a little while and came to grips that people die every single day and it was easy to detach from actual death because I didn’t personally know any of the bodies on the tables.

It wasn’t until I lost my father did I understand the difference between death and loss. I haven’t been back to a funeral home in the 9.5 years since his passing because it is now all too real for me. No longer are those bodies just vessels, they were someone’s loved one who is missing them terribly while they lay on that table to be prepared for the final viewing for their family and friends. We experience death on a very regular basis and don’t take the time to appreciate and respect the fact that it’s also a loss. Death comes in many forms, not just a human being ceasing to breathe. When you have been friends with someone and have a disagreement and the friendship ends, that’s death but we don’t really take the time to truly mourn it because we, logically, feel as though if it’s over it wasn’t that serious and we need to keep moving forward.

Everyone has worked somewhere and, for whatever reason, you no longer work there, that too is death and loss which we brush off quickly because we need to plan our next move. Hell, plants die and we just toss them in the trash and own the fact we don’t have a green thumb but eagerly run out and get another to try different measures not to kill this one. Sadly, we see and hear about death so regularly that we’ve become numb to the actual impact it has on our souls and spirits.

I was a different person before my father passed away because I just knew he’d always be here because heroes don’t die, they live forever, right? The person I was when he was here over reacted to everything and took even the smallest things way too seriously and to watch me live in anger or sadness on a regular basis broke his heart. He would always tell me, “Baby, you have to let go of some of that, you are wasting your life worrying about the wrong things. You are missing out on life and experiences carrying that weight around and I hate to see you like this” but I didn’t get it until I lost him.

When he passed, I learned how truly short life is and that tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us and began to look at my life, interactions and relationships differently. I developed the mindset of in the grander scheme of life, does this really matter? I was once super critical, anal and had been diagnosed with OCD because I had control issues which were a lot but believed it was the only way I was able to function. I envied my father’s nonchalant attitude, laid back demeanor and personality, and ability to always have a smile on his face, no matter the circumstance. We like to believe that death doesn’t change us because we don’t acknowledge the true loss until it hits home and creates a void within our spirits which will never be filled again because a piece of us is permanently gone.

About 18 months ago, one of the closest female friendships I’d ever had came to an abrupt end, we were celebrating her birthday one day and the next, we were no longer friends. This loss struck me hard because, although we may have had our issues, she was my sister and had looked out for me and mine more than some related by blood. She was there for me in my darkest moments, my shoulder to cry on and all around genuine friend. To those on the outside, our relationship didn’t make sense but it wasn’t for them to understand, this was our relationship. That was a hard year for me because I didn’t get to share with her the good, bad, terrible, and wonderful things which were transpiring in my life but that just meant I needed to go thru that to gain my strength and do for myself and my children. Yes, I have others in my life who are unequivocally there for me and I appreciate those persons in my life as well but this loss hit hard.

I came to learn that she went thru a lot of struggles during our time apart as well and the separation needed to happen because we weren’t growing as long as we were friends. A mutual friend of ours learned about our situation and told her that it broke her heart because we were truly friends and we needed to make up. What also spawned the need for reconciliation was that my friend lost a really good friend last year and that death hit her very hard and made her realize how trivial the demise of our relationship truly was. I thank our mutual friend for setting us up to have a conversation, clear the air and rebuild our friendship as the women we are today.  

Most of us live our lives not wanting to die but are we ever really living our lives to the fullest? I will own that I don’t live as much as I probably should out of fear and control. I envy those who are spontaneous and say You Only Live Once ~ YOLO because I can’t release my grip on the reins of control to just ‘be’. The reality is that we don’t only live once, we die once. Everyday you open your eyes and have breath in your body, you’re given another opportunity to live but being alive isn’t the same as living. Some let the pain of the past control them and those poor souls are dying a little bit every day.

I have learned to be a more nonchalant but it hasn’t been totally by my own control, so much shit happens in my life that I no longer have the energy to care about every little thing which may happen. The tragedy which lies in the tragic loss of a great NBA superstar is that we don’t appreciate life until a loss happens which impacts us directly. We all have relationships in our lives which we are holding onto with a white knuckled grip, causing more pain than doing any good because pain is what we’ve become accustomed to. It’s time to let go, let go of the pain, anger, animosity, pettiness and grudges caused by and against those we once loved, life is too damn short to be bitter and carrying that load. How do you claim you’re living your best life while shitting on the same people who once filled your fridge when you couldn’t or made sure your lights stayed on? Simply put, you’re not, this is not the life you were created to live. Pain, resentment and anger are not what the creator, your parents and anyone who loves and cares about you ever wanted for you. Yes, we go thru shit, all of us do but too many are living there.

Please take a moment to love those who love you, pray for those who have done you wrong, love yourself and appreciate every single breath in your body because none of us know when we will be called Home. You miss someone? Reach out and tell them, don’t sit on your pride and take your last breath wondering what could have been. Let go of the fear, pain and resentment to fix whatever’s broken in your life. Trust me on this one: if you’re missing someone they’re missing you too and a simple text or call will fix it. Life is too short, tell those who mean something to you that you love them, how much their presence in your life means and you don’t want to be without them.

Being the mother of teenage daughters, I have had the privilege of learning many new slang words and newfangled terminology and fully understand how irritated my mother was with me at that age. A few years ago, my daughters started using the word FLEEK and I was like, what the hell does that mean?! For those who are unaware, on fleek means on point, perfectly done, i.e. Her eyebrows are on fleek means they look very nice. The one word I learned the meaning of recently actually wasn’t from my children but social media and that’s “Ghosting”. Ghosting is when you are in constant contact with someone, you develop a rapport and bond with them and then it just………………stops.

I’ve come to learn everyone has their own reasons for ghosting another individual and, to be perfectly honest, they’re all just lame ass excuses. I can also own that I’ve ghosted people in my past, I’m not proud of it because I thought I was doing what was best for all parties involved at the time but now see how truly selfish and damaging it is to another human being.

When I have ghosted someone in the past, I did so because I felt as though things weren’t going any further on my end and just stopped reaching out and responding. Yes, that is a very immature way to handle any situation, you don’t have to tell me, I know I was wrong as 2 left shoes but thought it caused less damage than speaking the truth. Boy was I ever wrong! The fact I have ghosted people in my past lets me know that Karma is real, aware, active and diligent because I got back what I had done and felt the repercussions of my actions.

I will be the first to tell you that shit is nowhere near fun and hurts like hell! When you’ve been ghosted by someone you care about and believe cares about you, you have a hard time understanding how they could do this to you. I mean, don’t they know you are beating yourself up, wondering what you did so wrong to never hear from them again? The thing about ghosting is it comes out of nowhere, there is no argument leading up to their disappearance, there is no tension or conflict, they just

disappear and treat you as though you never existed. Since I have ghosted people in the past, I can say it’s totally selfish because you are thinking only of yourself at that point in time, you’ve not taken into consideration what it might do to the person you’ve a connection and bond with.

I’ve actually been ghosted by a couple of people in my life and am still in contact 1 of them believe it or not. There was one person who went out of his way to make sure I felt safe and secure, even when he was out of town but when he came back in town, the text messages became shorter and shorter, my Good Morning texts became Morning then GM and then nadadayum thing. I admit I can be a little spoiled and bratty at times but, damn, you’re just going to stop speaking to me? Whatever happened to open and adult conversation, calling each other on their bullshit while owning your own? I had no communication with this person for 6 months and couldn’t take it anymore so, I wrote him a handwritten letter expressing myself and asking what I did wrong and put that letter in one of the two books he had ordered from me.

Again, I waited another couple of weeks and still nothing and decided to take matters into my own hands by reaching out to him personally to see if he would be man enough to explain what was going on. Well, two things happened: I learned he’d never opened the book I put the letter in and he was shocked I felt the way I did. What did he think I would feel after he coaxed me out of my box and left me standing there exposed and alone? We had a very good and healing conversation and he explained he was going thru some things at that time and didn’t want to bring me into it. Yes, that’s all well and good but one little conversation stating such in the beginning would have avoided a whole lot of heartbreak and beating myself up thinking I’d driven him away. It was a healing conversation because he fully understood the damage it caused me but there were no longer any hopes of a relationship moving forward. When you are ghosted by someone and come back into contact with them, your guard and wall are up so high you can’t see the top and it will take an act of GOD to move and lower it. For those who are unaware, I am an extreme overthinker so,

in the back of my mind, I will always remember and fear you doing the same thing to me again and never let you that close to me.

I have stated that I have ghosted people in my past and, looking back, I am not proud of myself. My reasoning for doing so may seem lame to some but others will understand but I’m not looking for validation or acceptance because I know I was wrong. Those I have ghosted, I have done so because I didn’t have the maturity to tell someone it wasn’t going to work and I would rather have been hated for disappearing than to have the actual conversation. My reason for not wanting to have the conversation is because I couldn’t handle seeing the hurt in their eyes and knowing I was the one causing it. Some have called me cold hearted because I appear to just disconnect from people but that’s not reality because no one knows the internal struggle I was going thru. I can’t speak for anyone but myself on how it feels to ghost someone, I can only speak for myself and I felt like shit but tried to fill my time and mind with other things as to not think about it. Now, my ghosting days are long gone because I now understand it’s not fair and actually very painful for the recipient and, most importantly, I’m grown and have to handle my business as such. I have come to learn that just walking away leaves the other person seeking closure so they may move forward with understanding and minimize the hurt.

I feel the need to clarify what ghosting is not at this moment. Flaking on an event/invite is not ghosting, that’s standing someone up. Okay, I’ve admitted I’ve ghosted people in the past and I will now own I have stood people up and, again, the reasoning does not matter. There have been times I have accepted invitations and totally flaked because when the time of the event came, I’m no longer in the frame of mind to attend whatever it is and just don’t answer texts or calls.

Yes, I know this is juvenile behavior and, again, not proud but it felt easier to avoid than actually have a conversation and say, “I’m not coming” because I didn’t want to answer question and be shamed into going. Those who know me best know I’m liable to flake at any given point because I enjoy the confines of my home more than going out and being with other humans. I could say all day long that I don’t intend to hurt anyone by flaking and it’s the truth but it doesn’t diminish the end results. I now know I must adhere to the words my daddy spoke on a regular basis, “Your word is all you have” and will try to do better. Standing someone up and speaking to them within 24 hours is not ghosting because you resume communication whereas ghosting is just disappearing for extended periods of time as though you’ve left the planet without a trace.

The unfortunate reality is many of us will never truly understand why someone has opted to no longer be a part of our lives or speak to us. Yes, even the person who you’ve shared you deepest, darkest secrets with has the probability to ghost you. Yes, the person you share your space, time and energy with may walk away from you to handle their own shit away from you. I am in no way justifying ghosting anyone, I am merely expressing the heartbreak and pain you are causing someone when you do decide to go invisible. You can’t tell someone you love them more than you love yourself and GOD and walk away with no explanation or conversation; it absolutely destroys the other person.

Imagine being told someone has agape love for you, always checks to make sure you’re okay, you have late night and early morning conversations, share intimate moments both sexually and intellectually and then one day…………………nothing. How do you claim to have agape love ~ spontaneous, altruistic love; a GODLY love ~ for someone and walk away as though they never existed? That is a question which may never be answered but, unfortunately, the ghostee will continue to ask it until the ghoster is mature enough to have the conversation.

Do me and many others a favor, if you are going thru something or don’t feel the same about another person you are close to? Tell them. You don’t have to go into minute detail about whatever is troubling you, you can merely say, “Look, I’ve gotta get my shit together and I don’t want to cause you pain trying to do so” before you cut communications, be a better human being today than you were 5 years ago. Don’t be an asshole and just disappear without a word, leaving that person with their shattered heart in their hands beating themselves up believing they weren’t good enough, you’re better than that, I know for a fact I am better at this point in my life and offer apologies to anyone who ever felt ghosted by me.