Being the mother of teenage daughters, I have had the privilege of learning many new slang words and newfangled terminology and fully understand how irritated my mother was with me at that age. A few years ago, my daughters started using the word FLEEK and I was like, what the hell does that mean?! For those who are unaware, on fleek means on point, perfectly done, i.e. Her eyebrows are on fleek means they look very nice. The one word I learned the meaning of recently actually wasn’t from my children but social media and that’s “Ghosting”. Ghosting is when you are in constant contact with someone, you develop a rapport and bond with them and then it just………………stops.
I’ve come to learn everyone has their own reasons for ghosting another individual and, to be perfectly honest, they’re all just lame ass excuses. I can also own that I’ve ghosted people in my past, I’m not proud of it because I thought I was doing what was best for all parties involved at the time but now see how truly selfish and damaging it is to another human being.
When I have ghosted someone in the past, I did so because I felt as though things weren’t going any further on my end and just stopped reaching out and responding. Yes, that is a very immature way to handle any situation, you don’t have to tell me, I know I was wrong as 2 left shoes but thought it caused less damage than speaking the truth. Boy was I ever wrong! The fact I have ghosted people in my past lets me know that Karma is real, aware, active and diligent because I got back what I had done and felt the repercussions of my actions.
I will be the first to tell you that shit is nowhere near fun and hurts like hell! When you’ve been ghosted by someone you care about and believe cares about you, you have a hard time understanding how they could do this to you. I mean, don’t they know you are beating yourself up, wondering what you did so wrong to never hear from them again? The thing about ghosting is it comes out of nowhere, there is no argument leading up to their disappearance, there is no tension or conflict, they just
disappear and treat you as though you never existed. Since I have ghosted people in the past, I can say it’s totally selfish because you are thinking only of yourself at that point in time, you’ve not taken into consideration what it might do to the person you’ve a connection and bond with.
I’ve actually been ghosted by a couple of people in my life and am still in contact 1 of them believe it or not. There was one person who went out of his way to make sure I felt safe and secure, even when he was out of town but when he came back in town, the text messages became shorter and shorter, my Good Morning texts became Morning then GM and then nadadayum thing. I admit I can be a little spoiled and bratty at times but, damn, you’re just going to stop speaking to me? Whatever happened to open and adult conversation, calling each other on their bullshit while owning your own? I had no communication with this person for 6 months and couldn’t take it anymore so, I wrote him a handwritten letter expressing myself and asking what I did wrong and put that letter in one of the two books he had ordered from me.
Again, I waited another couple of weeks and still nothing and decided to take matters into my own hands by reaching out to him personally to see if he would be man enough to explain what was going on. Well, two things happened: I learned he’d never opened the book I put the letter in and he was shocked I felt the way I did. What did he think I would feel after he coaxed me out of my box and left me standing there exposed and alone? We had a very good and healing conversation and he explained he was going thru some things at that time and didn’t want to bring me into it. Yes, that’s all well and good but one little conversation stating such in the beginning would have avoided a whole lot of heartbreak and beating myself up thinking I’d driven him away. It was a healing conversation because he fully understood the damage it caused me but there were no longer any hopes of a relationship moving forward. When you are ghosted by someone and come back into contact with them, your guard and wall are up so high you can’t see the top and it will take an act of GOD to move and lower it. For those who are unaware, I am an extreme overthinker so,
in the back of my mind, I will always remember and fear you doing the same thing to me again and never let you that close to me.
I have stated that I have ghosted people in my past and, looking back, I am not proud of myself. My reasoning for doing so may seem lame to some but others will understand but I’m not looking for validation or acceptance because I know I was wrong. Those I have ghosted, I have done so because I didn’t have the maturity to tell someone it wasn’t going to work and I would rather have been hated for disappearing than to have the actual conversation. My reason for not wanting to have the conversation is because I couldn’t handle seeing the hurt in their eyes and knowing I was the one causing it. Some have called me cold hearted because I appear to just disconnect from people but that’s not reality because no one knows the internal struggle I was going thru. I can’t speak for anyone but myself on how it feels to ghost someone, I can only speak for myself and I felt like shit but tried to fill my time and mind with other things as to not think about it. Now, my ghosting days are long gone because I now understand it’s not fair and actually very painful for the recipient and, most importantly, I’m grown and have to handle my business as such. I have come to learn that just walking away leaves the other person seeking closure so they may move forward with understanding and minimize the hurt.
I feel the need to clarify what ghosting is not at this moment. Flaking on an event/invite is not ghosting, that’s standing someone up. Okay, I’ve admitted I’ve ghosted people in the past and I will now own I have stood people up and, again, the reasoning does not matter. There have been times I have accepted invitations and totally flaked because when the time of the event came, I’m no longer in the frame of mind to attend whatever it is and just don’t answer texts or calls.
Yes, I know this is juvenile behavior and, again, not proud but it felt easier to avoid than actually have a conversation and say, “I’m not coming” because I didn’t want to answer question and be shamed into going. Those who know me best know I’m liable to flake at any given point because I enjoy the confines of my home more than going out and being with other humans. I could say all day long that I don’t intend to hurt anyone by flaking and it’s the truth but it doesn’t diminish the end results. I now know I must adhere to the words my daddy spoke on a regular basis, “Your word is all you have” and will try to do better. Standing someone up and speaking to them within 24 hours is not ghosting because you resume communication whereas ghosting is just disappearing for extended periods of time as though you’ve left the planet without a trace.
The unfortunate reality is many of us will never truly understand why someone has opted to no longer be a part of our lives or speak to us. Yes, even the person who you’ve shared you deepest, darkest secrets with has the probability to ghost you. Yes, the person you share your space, time and energy with may walk away from you to handle their own shit away from you. I am in no way justifying ghosting anyone, I am merely expressing the heartbreak and pain you are causing someone when you do decide to go invisible. You can’t tell someone you love them more than you love yourself and GOD and walk away with no explanation or conversation; it absolutely destroys the other person.
Imagine being told someone has agape love for you, always checks to make sure you’re okay, you have late night and early morning conversations, share intimate moments both sexually and intellectually and then one day…………………nothing. How do you claim to have agape love ~ spontaneous, altruistic love; a GODLY love ~ for someone and walk away as though they never existed? That is a question which may never be answered but, unfortunately, the ghostee will continue to ask it until the ghoster is mature enough to have the conversation.
Do me and many others a favor, if you are going thru something or don’t feel the same about another person you are close to? Tell them. You don’t have to go into minute detail about whatever is troubling you, you can merely say, “Look, I’ve gotta get my shit together and I don’t want to cause you pain trying to do so” before you cut communications, be a better human being today than you were 5 years ago. Don’t be an asshole and just disappear without a word, leaving that person with their shattered heart in their hands beating themselves up believing they weren’t good enough, you’re better than that, I know for a fact I am better at this point in my life and offer apologies to anyone who ever felt ghosted by me.
