Month: April 2020

I was created, raised, mentored, guided and molded by my parents collectively to be a strong, responsible, respectful, and independent woman. Although they were two separate entities, they had the same goal in mind when it came to raising me and my sister and did what they could to ensure we had all the resources and knowledge to create the women we are today. My mother and father were, literally, like night and day: my mother was extremely reserved and always portrayed such a tough, impenetrable exterior that she scared just about everyone around her and she was perfectly fine with it because that meant she didn’t have to deal with bullshit and we were not allowed to joke around with her.

My father, on the other hand, was so carefree, nonchalant, jovial and usually the victim of many of the pranks my sister and I played on him but he just laughed it off with us instead of chastising and punishing us. While they were different, they each told me the same thing as I approached the age to date seriously: Always make sure that he is able to bring to the table the same things as you are. For example, if you have a car, so should he; if you are working, he better be; if you have your own place, he shouldn’t be sleeping on his mother’s couch. I have followed and abided by this statement from the moment it crossed their lips.

The above life lesson was challenged the other day when I was, in not so many words, called a Gold Digger who was all about money when it came to my partner of choice. Yes, I was flabbergasted and highly offended because nothing could be further from the truth.

If I were all about money, regardless of how I’m treated, disrespected and disregarded, or feel about the other person, I’d still be married. The person making the accusation claimed they were all about love, they never look at a person for what they bring to the table as though I’m just some shallow piece of shit who views potentials simply as dollar signs. Pardon me for believing if I have a car, the man who is interested in me should also have a set of wheels of his own because Queens don’t go pick up a man for dates or to run errands with her. When I state he must have his own car, it doesn’t mean that he has to have a Bentley®, Benz® or any other high dollar vehicle but it should be reliable and not one of his friends’ cars he gets to use whenever that person lets them because I’ve my own that I’m paying the note and insurance on. How do I look, as a grown ass woman, going to pick up my dude to bring him back to my place so we can spend time together and then have to get up out of my bed and comfort zone to take his sorry ass home?

And this now leads into him having his own place because I should not be the only one in the relationship able to entertain our intimate relationship at my place because he is living on his mother’s couch or in her basement at 40+ years old. Don’t get me wrong, I understand people fall on hard times where they are newly divorced and getting their shit together or lost their job and fell on hard times, I get it but if you’ve never left home? That’s where we have an issue because, in my eyes, you’re not a grown man nor King quality deserving of this Queen. When we were younger, that might be acceptable but if you can’t bring me back to your place where we can behave as adults, I can pack my spinnanight bag,

leave my toothbrush/pillowcase/some pannies/etc., please don’t approach me. Unfortunately, in this day and age, the guy who is unable to bring you back to his place may actually not be living with his mother but instead, his wife and children which is way worse and more disrespectful.  

I was born, bred and raised by the generation of Baby Boomers who had firm beliefs and morals which I stick with and were not only instilled in me by my parents but my grandparents as well and I won’t disrespect any of them by living less than. There are those who mention and point out all the red flags in your relationship, some real and others created out of hating, and act high and mighty because they claim to see things you didn’t and tell you how much better you deserve.

However, those same observant people about your relationship decide to give their all to someone who is barely visible due to all the Mt. Everest tall pile of red flags they display. I guess when it comes to them, they become blind and oblivious to the same bullshit they claimed to protect you from.

I was raised to know and understand that each person in a household and relationship has their own separate responsibilities such as mowing the lawn or taking out the trash being deemed as the man’s responsibility and the woman takes care of the inside of the home.

Yes, to some, this may seem antiquated and you do what works for your relationship but for me and mine, I’m not cutting any grass nor am I taking the trash out if there is an able body man living in that house with me. I understand lawn maintenance may not be every guys cup of tea and if that’s the case, be sure you make enough money to pay someone to do it for you, I’m cool with that as well. When I was married, I didn’t pay the rent or mortgage, that was my husband’s responsibility but I did pay the utilities, food and buy clothes for our children and sometimes he ended up paying less than I did but that was our agreement and how we functioned.

I am a Queen and wear my crown with pride not out of ego nor arrogance, I can and will do for myself, I don’t depend on a man to do for me which has been an issue in the past because most men are used to dependent, needy women who always have their hand out, asking what he’s going to do for her. Being a Queen, I will submit to my King, have no issue doing so but that man needs to show he knows how to lead properly or he will walk alone. I will not relax my standards, wants and desires just to have someone who is unable to truly appreciate all I have to offer and be willing and able to provide the same to, with, and for me.

When you are in a relationship, sharing all of your deepest, darkest secrets which have kept you awake at night, there is no reason you shouldn’t be aware of each other’s financial situations and incomes. How are you going to build a life together, have a home and purchase property/vehicles, have insurance, living wills, etc. and not know what the other person makes? I agree with each of us having our own accounts and possibly a joint account for bills but how do you factor the amount you can each afford for a house if you don’t know whether your partner makes $25k or $100k per year? What happens if you go to purchase your dream home together and can’t do so because they have a child support lien on their credit? Or what if that tax refund you had plans for gets taken away and applied to their debt?

If you are going to get married and live as one, what one does or doesn’t do financially can and will come and bite you square in the ass. This isn’t to say I’m going to max out your income to get an over sized home but I don’t want us to struggle to make the note each month because we over extended ourselves or went into it blindly. When it comes to the financial aspect of a relationship, I need to know that if, GOD forbid, one were to become unemployed, the other has the ability to keep the home up and running without getting lights cut off or our shit put outside for lack of payment. I need to know that you have my back in every facet of life, whether it be financial, emotional or even physical and this requires a high level of transparency and vulnerability some aren’t able to provide but if you love them as much as you claim, it should come with ease.

How you start the relationship off is how it’s going to continue and if it goes on for some period of time, you will become miserable because you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders but now can’t speak up without fear of risking the relationship because you never set the standard nor put your foot down. If the standards I live by have some perceive me as a Gold Digger, that’s on them but will not change how I am because what they eat doesn’t make me shit. I will not lower my standards just to say I have someone or

“I’s married now” only to worry from month to month how we’re going to keep the lights on or wearing myself to the bone to maintain every aspect of the home while they sit on their ass playing video games all day. A lot of relationships are currently experiencing financial issues during this quarantine period because one partner may still be employed while the other isn’t getting paid due to the nature of their job. The one who isn’t receiving a paycheck during this pandemic should be the one picking up the household responsibilities to relieve some of the pressure from their partner and contribute in a way other than financial. If you are not receiving a check and unable to financially contribute, turn into that wife of the 50’s and make sure dinner is prepared, the laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away, vacuum/sweep the floor, make the bed and/or change the sheets,

be productive and not be viewed as a bump on a log wasting every single day watching tv or playing video games while your spouse works.

When you begin to entertain a grown ass woman, be sure you are a grown ass man whose flow, hustle and drive matches hers, it will save you each a lot of stress, strain and misery down the road. Smooches!

Since I have so much time on my hands due to the everlasting quarantine, I decided to take some time and color coordinate my shoes and the reality of how many pair of shoes I actually owned filled me with a little bit of pride. For those of you who are unaware, I love my shoe selections so much, I call them members of my family because the right pair of shoes can seem magical as they have the ability to change your mood and demeanor just by slipping them on.

I started looking around at all of the things in my life that I own outright: shoes, purses, clothes, cats, food and realized that the material items I own don’t really matter that much because, as my daddy always said, “I’ve never seen a luggage rack on a hearse” which means you really can’t take it with you. They matter enough that I will continue to collect, appreciate and utilize………….well, everything but the cats because I already look like the crazy cat lady sitting in this house with 3 of them.

Yes, it’s easy to accumulate a collection of tangible items and claim ownership over it because you paid for it outright which makes it yours, right? What about the non-tangible items which you should take ownership of but, due to either pride, shame or fear, you just can’t find it within yourself to claim?

For the longest time, I always believed that because I was sorrowful when my actions or words hurt someone and I apologized that meant I owned my wrong doing. Ummmm, it took many disagreements and several more tongue lashings for me to gain the understanding that apologizing doesn’t mean you actually own what you did or said wrong. Due to being the ‘sensitive’ one in the family, I was never really held accountable for my actions, all I had to do was cry and everyone would just accept that as me understanding where I was wrong.

Yeah, those tears were just to gain sympathy and stop the barrage of confrontational words and accusations which were usually on point. No, it wasn’t intentionally done out of manipulation but when you’re a child and find something that works, you kind of stick with it to get you out of uncomfortable situations. I am in no way justifying it, just owning what I did to avoid claiming responsibility for my actions. There will be times we, either intentionally or accidentally, hurt and offend someone we care about, it’s just the way life is set up but our responsibility as grown folks is to own how we hurt them without excuses. I’d like to state right here and now that apologizing doesn’t mean shit if you are only going to get in your feelings and come for the other person when they express the manner in which you hurt them.

You can’t become the victim when someone voices their pain your actions caused them, it doesn’t work that way. If your response to someone expressing their feelings about what you did or said is to cuss them out or get angry in your response? Plain and simply put, grow up! How are you going to get mad for being wrong and called on your shit?! That’s not owning what you did, that’s merely throwing a raggedy ass, “I’m sorry” at them in hopes that it will clear the air and you’ll once again be perceived as perfect. When you can listen to how you’ve affected someone’s overall being, humble yourself and ego, and say, “I’m sorry I hurt you when I said xyz and I will do better moving forward to never make you feel this way again”, that’s owning your shit.

Trust me, I know it ‘s hard to own that which could make someone cry, damage their confidence, or even their future interactions with others due to our words or actions but it’s crucial because we want people to handle us in the same manner. Here’s my old lady saying for the day: Do unto others have you would have them do unto you. Yes, that adage does sometimes suck because we could give someone our all, do all the things we love having done for us, showing them the love and attention they never received and get no reciprocity in return but always remember, that’s not your cross to bear, it’s theirs.

As most of you know, I am happily divorced but that relationship didn’t taint my outlook on finding and being in love again, I look forward to it. Thru the course of dating, or whatever the hell this shit is single people are doing in this day and age is called, I’m learning that there are those who don’t know how to own when they deeply care about the person they’re involved with. Instead of owning that you have feelings for someone, you start being an asshole, ghosting them and pushing them away.

Look, I’m going to keep it 100 with you right now, I am too old to deal with that type of bullshit. If you are feeling me, be an adult and own it and we can move forward accordingly and the same goes for if you’re not feeling me. What good does it do anyone to get close to them, begin feeling some loving feelings only to be viewed as a piece of shit by acting shady whenever they’re in your presence? If I were in my 20s I’d probably be okay with this behavior but in our 40s?! Sorry, get your shit together before you come disturbing my peace. I’ve gone thru enough turmoil to know what I want and deserve and refuse to settle for anything less. Thru these tribulations, I’ve also come to learn my worth and know that anyone who is uncertain or too scared to own their feelings for me isn’t worthy of taking up space in my life at this point.

When we were younger, our parents would always say, “You’ll be in less trouble if you just tell the truth from the beginning, lying only complicates things, will make me angrier, and your punishment harsher”, why do we think this ceased applying when we started paying our own way in life? I am born and bred of the thin blue line which means I’ve done my research before I ask any questions and will only ask questions to see if you’ve a good character and will tell the truth. If you’re an adult, live on your own, pay your bills relatively on time or at least don’t have your lights cut off, why are you lying to anyone?

Have we all done some shady shit we’re not proud of in our lives? Hell yeah, I know I have but I own it at this point because it was who I was then and if it’s something I did yesterday, I own that too because I still don’t always make the right decisions in my life. You would think with me being an indecisive overthinker, I’d never make a jankety choice but life happens to all of us, no one walking this earth is perfect nor making ideal decisions every single time. I am proud to admit that I am no longer easily persuaded to make a rash decision which will later come back and bite me in the ass but a couple have slipped thru and I own it, I don’t have a choice because I’m confronted with facts and put my big girl pannies on and face it head on. Initially, telling a little white lie is easy but it becomes more difficult because you have to keep track of who you told what to.

If you just tell the truth from the beginning, yes it will probably sting and hurt the person you care about but, it can be handled properly from the onset and your relationship has a chance of surviving. Lies are told in every area of our lives because we are afraid to seem less than up to par with someone else’s expectation of our role in their lives or even place of employment. I am someone who has never fluffed my resume’ because I don’t want to be called to the carpet to perform a skill I claimed on a piece of paper but have zero experience in but there are many who will do it just to get the job and then lose the job because they screwed up the entire system.

At this point in our lives, we’ve had enough experience, life lessons, and heartbreaks to know and do better where others are concerned. If you’ve not learned anything, please understand this is why you continue to go thru the same shit with different people over and over again because you will repeat the lesson until you get it right. We are too old and experienced to do the same shit over and over again without claiming responsibility for our actions. If you consider yourself an adult, be sure you are owning your wrongdoings and be sincere about it, don’t just put on a façade to get your way, there’s nothing authentic about that. If you hurt someone’s feelings by forgetting their birthday, own that shit! If the feelings you begin to sense from being with someone scares you, be transparent and let them know so you can both move forward together and experience that happiness together or you’ll be sitting there relying on either battery powered toys or some skanky person to fulfill your sexual desires. If you don’t currently have the skills for a certain job, blow their socks off in the interview and let them know you are eager to learn, it’s not that hard. If you’ve screwed up by making a bad decision, own it from the beginning so you and the other person can handle it before it blows up in your face and you damage another person’s trust and spirit. We all have nothing but time on our hands to take inventory of the gaps in our relationships and some of those gaps have to do with us not owning our true feelings or owning how we hurt them, use your time wisely because you’d want the same from them, right? Smooches

Well, it’s been yet another week of quarantine for those of us here on earth, some quarantines are stricter and taken more seriously than others. I’m happy to say I’ve had the same tank of gas in my car for the last 4 weeks and still only at half a tank and am tempted to go fill up just to see what it’s like to pay under $3 per gallon. This alone time can do a few things to a person: you can either use the time to develop a new craft/hobby, do some self-reflection and work on yourself in areas you feel are flawed or unhealed or you can simply use this time to get some much needed rest. It wasn’t until we were forced to stay indoors did I realize how neglected my home had become and took the time to thoroughly clean it but it wasn’t 4 weeks’ worth of cleaning dirty so,

I decided to write. Okay, I lie, my brain has been quite the cluster f*ck with no inspiring ideas popping to the forefront because they all believe they are a priority. Welcome to the mind of an over thinker.

Being an over thinker, I’ve, literally, had nothing but time on my hands to think about my relationships whether they’re friendships, romantic or familial and where I stand in each of them.

Let’s start with friendships, shall we? Selfishly, I’ve always viewed myself as a good, true and authentic friend because there are just certain things I would never do to someone I consider a true friend. I have learned, over the course of my life, that just because you are a friend to someone doesn’t mean they are going to be that same true friend to you and have suffered heartbreak and internal questioning of my own motives.

I have had someone I considered my bestie feel threatened by me when it came to her side piece; she actually thought I was flirting with him because I looked at him while he was speaking. I’m sorry but I was raised to look at whomever is speaking and you weren’t and took it as flirting with someone I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole. After the demise of that friendship, I beat myself up, wondering how on earth I screwed that up and, over time, came to realize she had so much shit going on in her life at her own doing that I didn’t screw it up. Please don’t get me wrong, this epiphany didn’t come overnight, it took the demise of a couple of other friendships to realize I was attracting damaged people and they didn’t know how to handle authenticity because they’d never experienced it. When I am friends with someone, they become part of my family which means whomever they are involved or interested in are not appealing to me at all, they become family as well.

I had heard the horror stories of best friends sleeping with each other’s partners and it baffled me because I couldn’t fathom even kissing someone who’s mouth, hands and other parts had been on my family, that shit is just disgusting to me! Until it happened to me, it just seemed like folklore or an old wives’ tale which had just been embellished over the course of time, I never believed someone would do that because it’s not how I was raised or am built until……………………….it happened to me. As much as I may want to, I will not go into detail, I will only say that the person I confided in and trusted broke my heart worse than any man ever could.

When I repeated the story to a good girlfriend of mine, she stated something which made me think, “If she did that, she was never your friend” and that shit hit like a ton of bricks because it was true. Anyone who is your shoulder to cry on, confidant, and there for you in your time of need would never carry on a bonified relationship with someone you were once feeling and involved in, this is so against girl code, I think it’s the first sentence in the damn book. Alas, there will be females and males who feel they can please or are better for your partner than you and my advice is to just let that piece of shit go and be with the betrayer, they fully deserve all the drama, bullshit and misery which will surely come their way.

Alrighty, onto romantic relationships! I, as well as the rest of you, have had nothing but time on my hands to evaluate and re-evaluate my romantic relationships. Some of them were heart wrenching and full of nothing but pain and drama but I’ve realized I did it to myself because I believed in those who said they’d never hurt me or were different from the rest only to be worse than the rest. I have spoken on it before and I will briefly mention it once again, I have been sexually assaulted and each time it was by someone I trusted and cared about which does even more damage than the dude snatching you into an alley and having his way with you. With that said, yes, I have my guard up so high, there are times even I can’t see the top of it.

I’ve learned that my past traumas and betrayals have hindered and sabotaged what could have been perfect and ideal relationships because I am always waiting for the shoe of shit to drop. I have been fortunate to find someone who has the patience of Job and works with me thru my bratty tantrums and emotional meltdowns to the point he will probably be worthy of sainthood when he enters the pearly gates because it takes a strong individual to deal with me. I have had many conversations, some thru tears and most drunken, with my sister and friends only to be told repeatedly that I am the saboteur and they never let me defend that shit. Okay, okay, I get it and will do better.

Every relationship will not be perfect nor will it be ‘the one’ but, even though they may display similar traits, they are not your ex who selfishly shit all over you without a second thought. I have had enough feet up my ass to make me realize I am a grown ass woman and I need to carry myself as one.  In carrying myself as a grown ass woman, I know what I will and will not tolerate regardless of how perfect someone may seem. No longer am I sitting around waiting for a phone call/text from them when they are ready to see me nor am I shedding tears of someone who doesn’t realize and appreciate my worth, I was raised to be a Queen and carry myself as such and, no longer will I shrink myself to be who I believe another person needs me to be.

When you pursue a King/Queen, you need to be prepared to treat them as such and if you’re not ready, don’t disturb them.

My relationships with my family have taken on a new role in my life. I have not seen my youngest daughter in a month because she went to her father’s house right before things got really serious and has been quarantined there with him. I miss my baby terribly but understand it’s probably the best place for her because she has someone her age there she can connect and relate to while talking about hair and fashion. My oldest daughter was supposed to come home for spring break this week but they actually closed the borders to her college state which means I couldn’t even drive down and get her if I wanted to without being turned around after 9 hours of driving. I am so grateful for technology at this point in my life because I am able to video chat with her for hours and see the face I created while experiencing the young woman she is becoming. This time has drawn us closer because we are not rushing around worrying about doing this, that and third, we are actually able to just…………..talk. I’ve learned so much about my oldest daughter over the last month and how she views things as well as how similar I am to my mother. Oh my GAWD, did I just say that? Please, take a sip with me because I never thought I’d utter those words in my life.

The oldest and I were having a jovial conversation the other day and all of a sudden it went way left and she began crying out of frustration and wondering why I wasn’t as upset as she was and I first felt my mother speak, “Why are you getting so upset, it’s not that serious” which only upset her more and I remained calm. The calm is when I felt my father working thru me as I tried, and failed miserably, to calm her down by saying, “I’m not upset because what they do or don’t with their money doesn’t directly affect me or you. Baby, you need to calm down and focus on what’s important in your life and not worry about what other people are or aren’t doing”.  Just for the record, neither statement soothed her emotions at all, they only seemed to engorge them to the point she got off the call with me. Yes, I am admitting I finally get my mother’s frustration with me and my viewpoints on life and everything happening in mine. Oh lawd, take another sip with me please because this quarantine is just bringing so much truth and revelations to the forefront.

We all have an unusual abundance of time on our hands and how we handle it or what we do with it is totally up to each and every one of us as individuals. Some will make you feel as though you are wasting a golden opportunity to start an entrepreneurial business if you are just vegging on Netflix® shows and movies but maybe you just need to rest and heal. Take this unforeseen opportunity to work on you however feels right and appropriate. If you come out of this as a better human being with the same single job as you went in, that’s fine just as much as it is if you discover a side hustle which you turn into a full time career, every person is as different as a fingerprint. My advice to you during this time is to simply do you, heal what needs to be healed, work on home projects or just change from daytime jammies to nighttime jammies, whatever floats your boat and soothes your soul is what you’re meant to do during this time. Smooches Lovelies!