Well, it’s been yet another week of quarantine for those of us here on earth, some quarantines are stricter and taken more seriously than others. I’m happy to say I’ve had the same tank of gas in my car for the last 4 weeks and still only at half a tank and am tempted to go fill up just to see what it’s like to pay under $3 per gallon. This alone time can do a few things to a person: you can either use the time to develop a new craft/hobby, do some self-reflection and work on yourself in areas you feel are flawed or unhealed or you can simply use this time to get some much needed rest. It wasn’t until we were forced to stay indoors did I realize how neglected my home had become and took the time to thoroughly clean it but it wasn’t 4 weeks’ worth of cleaning dirty so,
I decided to write. Okay, I lie, my brain has been quite the cluster f*ck with no inspiring ideas popping to the forefront because they all believe they are a priority. Welcome to the mind of an over thinker.
Being an over thinker, I’ve, literally, had nothing but time on my hands to think about my relationships whether they’re friendships, romantic or familial and where I stand in each of them.
Let’s start with friendships, shall we? Selfishly, I’ve always viewed myself as a good, true and authentic friend because there are just certain things I would never do to someone I consider a true friend. I have learned, over the course of my life, that just because you are a friend to someone doesn’t mean they are going to be that same true friend to you and have suffered heartbreak and internal questioning of my own motives.
I have had someone I considered my bestie feel threatened by me when it came to her side piece; she actually thought I was flirting with him because I looked at him while he was speaking. I’m sorry but I was raised to look at whomever is speaking and you weren’t and took it as flirting with someone I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole. After the demise of that friendship, I beat myself up, wondering how on earth I screwed that up and, over time, came to realize she had so much shit going on in her life at her own doing that I didn’t screw it up. Please don’t get me wrong, this epiphany didn’t come overnight, it took the demise of a couple of other friendships to realize I was attracting damaged people and they didn’t know how to handle authenticity because they’d never experienced it. When I am friends with someone, they become part of my family which means whomever they are involved or interested in are not appealing to me at all, they become family as well.
I had heard the horror stories of best friends sleeping with each other’s partners and it baffled me because I couldn’t fathom even kissing someone who’s mouth, hands and other parts had been on my family, that shit is just disgusting to me! Until it happened to me, it just seemed like folklore or an old wives’ tale which had just been embellished over the course of time, I never believed someone would do that because it’s not how I was raised or am built until……………………….it happened to me. As much as I may want to, I will not go into detail, I will only say that the person I confided in and trusted broke my heart worse than any man ever could.
When I repeated the story to a good girlfriend of mine, she stated something which made me think, “If she did that, she was never your friend” and that shit hit like a ton of bricks because it was true. Anyone who is your shoulder to cry on, confidant, and there for you in your time of need would never carry on a bonified relationship with someone you were once feeling and involved in, this is so against girl code, I think it’s the first sentence in the damn book. Alas, there will be females and males who feel they can please or are better for your partner than you and my advice is to just let that piece of shit go and be with the betrayer, they fully deserve all the drama, bullshit and misery which will surely come their way.
Alrighty, onto romantic relationships! I, as well as the rest of you, have had nothing but time on my hands to evaluate and re-evaluate my romantic relationships. Some of them were heart wrenching and full of nothing but pain and drama but I’ve realized I did it to myself because I believed in those who said they’d never hurt me or were different from the rest only to be worse than the rest. I have spoken on it before and I will briefly mention it once again, I have been sexually assaulted and each time it was by someone I trusted and cared about which does even more damage than the dude snatching you into an alley and having his way with you. With that said, yes, I have my guard up so high, there are times even I can’t see the top of it.
I’ve learned that my past traumas and betrayals have hindered and sabotaged what could have been perfect and ideal relationships because I am always waiting for the shoe of shit to drop. I have been fortunate to find someone who has the patience of Job and works with me thru my bratty tantrums and emotional meltdowns to the point he will probably be worthy of sainthood when he enters the pearly gates because it takes a strong individual to deal with me. I have had many conversations, some thru tears and most drunken, with my sister and friends only to be told repeatedly that I am the saboteur and they never let me defend that shit. Okay, okay, I get it and will do better.
Every relationship will not be perfect nor will it be ‘the one’ but, even though they may display similar traits, they are not your ex who selfishly shit all over you without a second thought. I have had enough feet up my ass to make me realize I am a grown ass woman and I need to carry myself as one. In carrying myself as a grown ass woman, I know what I will and will not tolerate regardless of how perfect someone may seem. No longer am I sitting around waiting for a phone call/text from them when they are ready to see me nor am I shedding tears of someone who doesn’t realize and appreciate my worth, I was raised to be a Queen and carry myself as such and, no longer will I shrink myself to be who I believe another person needs me to be.
When you pursue a King/Queen, you need to be prepared to treat them as such and if you’re not ready, don’t disturb them.
My relationships with my family have taken on a new role in my life. I have not seen my youngest daughter in a month because she went to her father’s house right before things got really serious and has been quarantined there with him. I miss my baby terribly but understand it’s probably the best place for her because she has someone her age there she can connect and relate to while talking about hair and fashion. My oldest daughter was supposed to come home for spring break this week but they actually closed the borders to her college state which means I couldn’t even drive down and get her if I wanted to without being turned around after 9 hours of driving. I am so grateful for technology at this point in my life because I am able to video chat with her for hours and see the face I created while experiencing the young woman she is becoming. This time has drawn us closer because we are not rushing around worrying about doing this, that and third, we are actually able to just…………..talk. I’ve learned so much about my oldest daughter over the last month and how she views things as well as how similar I am to my mother. Oh my GAWD, did I just say that? Please, take a sip with me because I never thought I’d utter those words in my life.
The oldest and I were having a jovial conversation the other day and all of a sudden it went way left and she began crying out of frustration and wondering why I wasn’t as upset as she was and I first felt my mother speak, “Why are you getting so upset, it’s not that serious” which only upset her more and I remained calm. The calm is when I felt my father working thru me as I tried, and failed miserably, to calm her down by saying, “I’m not upset because what they do or don’t with their money doesn’t directly affect me or you. Baby, you need to calm down and focus on what’s important in your life and not worry about what other people are or aren’t doing”. Just for the record, neither statement soothed her emotions at all, they only seemed to engorge them to the point she got off the call with me. Yes, I am admitting I finally get my mother’s frustration with me and my viewpoints on life and everything happening in mine. Oh lawd, take another sip with me please because this quarantine is just bringing so much truth and revelations to the forefront.
We all have an unusual abundance of time on our hands and how we handle it or what we do with it is totally up to each and every one of us as individuals. Some will make you feel as though you are wasting a golden opportunity to start an entrepreneurial business if you are just vegging on Netflix® shows and movies but maybe you just need to rest and heal. Take this unforeseen opportunity to work on you however feels right and appropriate. If you come out of this as a better human being with the same single job as you went in, that’s fine just as much as it is if you discover a side hustle which you turn into a full time career, every person is as different as a fingerprint. My advice to you during this time is to simply do you, heal what needs to be healed, work on home projects or just change from daytime jammies to nighttime jammies, whatever floats your boat and soothes your soul is what you’re meant to do during this time. Smooches Lovelies!
