Since I have so much time on my hands due to the everlasting quarantine, I decided to take some time and color coordinate my shoes and the reality of how many pair of shoes I actually owned filled me with a little bit of pride. For those of you who are unaware, I love my shoe selections so much, I call them members of my family because the right pair of shoes can seem magical as they have the ability to change your mood and demeanor just by slipping them on.
I started looking around at all of the things in my life that I own outright: shoes, purses, clothes, cats, food and realized that the material items I own don’t really matter that much because, as my daddy always said, “I’ve never seen a luggage rack on a hearse” which means you really can’t take it with you. They matter enough that I will continue to collect, appreciate and utilize………….well, everything but the cats because I already look like the crazy cat lady sitting in this house with 3 of them.
Yes, it’s easy to accumulate a collection of tangible items and claim ownership over it because you paid for it outright which makes it yours, right? What about the non-tangible items which you should take ownership of but, due to either pride, shame or fear, you just can’t find it within yourself to claim?
For the longest time, I always believed that because I was sorrowful when my actions or words hurt someone and I apologized that meant I owned my wrong doing. Ummmm, it took many disagreements and several more tongue lashings for me to gain the understanding that apologizing doesn’t mean you actually own what you did or said wrong. Due to being the ‘sensitive’ one in the family, I was never really held accountable for my actions, all I had to do was cry and everyone would just accept that as me understanding where I was wrong.
Yeah, those tears were just to gain sympathy and stop the barrage of confrontational words and accusations which were usually on point. No, it wasn’t intentionally done out of manipulation but when you’re a child and find something that works, you kind of stick with it to get you out of uncomfortable situations. I am in no way justifying it, just owning what I did to avoid claiming responsibility for my actions. There will be times we, either intentionally or accidentally, hurt and offend someone we care about, it’s just the way life is set up but our responsibility as grown folks is to own how we hurt them without excuses. I’d like to state right here and now that apologizing doesn’t mean shit if you are only going to get in your feelings and come for the other person when they express the manner in which you hurt them.
You can’t become the victim when someone voices their pain your actions caused them, it doesn’t work that way. If your response to someone expressing their feelings about what you did or said is to cuss them out or get angry in your response? Plain and simply put, grow up! How are you going to get mad for being wrong and called on your shit?! That’s not owning what you did, that’s merely throwing a raggedy ass, “I’m sorry” at them in hopes that it will clear the air and you’ll once again be perceived as perfect. When you can listen to how you’ve affected someone’s overall being, humble yourself and ego, and say, “I’m sorry I hurt you when I said xyz and I will do better moving forward to never make you feel this way again”, that’s owning your shit.
Trust me, I know it ‘s hard to own that which could make someone cry, damage their confidence, or even their future interactions with others due to our words or actions but it’s crucial because we want people to handle us in the same manner. Here’s my old lady saying for the day: Do unto others have you would have them do unto you. Yes, that adage does sometimes suck because we could give someone our all, do all the things we love having done for us, showing them the love and attention they never received and get no reciprocity in return but always remember, that’s not your cross to bear, it’s theirs.
As most of you know, I am happily divorced but that relationship didn’t taint my outlook on finding and being in love again, I look forward to it. Thru the course of dating, or whatever the hell this shit is single people are doing in this day and age is called, I’m learning that there are those who don’t know how to own when they deeply care about the person they’re involved with. Instead of owning that you have feelings for someone, you start being an asshole, ghosting them and pushing them away.
Look, I’m going to keep it 100 with you right now, I am too old to deal with that type of bullshit. If you are feeling me, be an adult and own it and we can move forward accordingly and the same goes for if you’re not feeling me. What good does it do anyone to get close to them, begin feeling some loving feelings only to be viewed as a piece of shit by acting shady whenever they’re in your presence? If I were in my 20s I’d probably be okay with this behavior but in our 40s?! Sorry, get your shit together before you come disturbing my peace. I’ve gone thru enough turmoil to know what I want and deserve and refuse to settle for anything less. Thru these tribulations, I’ve also come to learn my worth and know that anyone who is uncertain or too scared to own their feelings for me isn’t worthy of taking up space in my life at this point.
When we were younger, our parents would always say, “You’ll be in less trouble if you just tell the truth from the beginning, lying only complicates things, will make me angrier, and your punishment harsher”, why do we think this ceased applying when we started paying our own way in life? I am born and bred of the thin blue line which means I’ve done my research before I ask any questions and will only ask questions to see if you’ve a good character and will tell the truth. If you’re an adult, live on your own, pay your bills relatively on time or at least don’t have your lights cut off, why are you lying to anyone?
Have we all done some shady shit we’re not proud of in our lives? Hell yeah, I know I have but I own it at this point because it was who I was then and if it’s something I did yesterday, I own that too because I still don’t always make the right decisions in my life. You would think with me being an indecisive overthinker, I’d never make a jankety choice but life happens to all of us, no one walking this earth is perfect nor making ideal decisions every single time. I am proud to admit that I am no longer easily persuaded to make a rash decision which will later come back and bite me in the ass but a couple have slipped thru and I own it, I don’t have a choice because I’m confronted with facts and put my big girl pannies on and face it head on. Initially, telling a little white lie is easy but it becomes more difficult because you have to keep track of who you told what to.
If you just tell the truth from the beginning, yes it will probably sting and hurt the person you care about but, it can be handled properly from the onset and your relationship has a chance of surviving. Lies are told in every area of our lives because we are afraid to seem less than up to par with someone else’s expectation of our role in their lives or even place of employment. I am someone who has never fluffed my resume’ because I don’t want to be called to the carpet to perform a skill I claimed on a piece of paper but have zero experience in but there are many who will do it just to get the job and then lose the job because they screwed up the entire system.
At this point in our lives, we’ve had enough experience, life lessons, and heartbreaks to know and do better where others are concerned. If you’ve not learned anything, please understand this is why you continue to go thru the same shit with different people over and over again because you will repeat the lesson until you get it right. We are too old and experienced to do the same shit over and over again without claiming responsibility for our actions. If you consider yourself an adult, be sure you are owning your wrongdoings and be sincere about it, don’t just put on a façade to get your way, there’s nothing authentic about that. If you hurt someone’s feelings by forgetting their birthday, own that shit! If the feelings you begin to sense from being with someone scares you, be transparent and let them know so you can both move forward together and experience that happiness together or you’ll be sitting there relying on either battery powered toys or some skanky person to fulfill your sexual desires. If you don’t currently have the skills for a certain job, blow their socks off in the interview and let them know you are eager to learn, it’s not that hard. If you’ve screwed up by making a bad decision, own it from the beginning so you and the other person can handle it before it blows up in your face and you damage another person’s trust and spirit. We all have nothing but time on our hands to take inventory of the gaps in our relationships and some of those gaps have to do with us not owning our true feelings or owning how we hurt them, use your time wisely because you’d want the same from them, right? Smooches
