I was created, raised, mentored, guided and molded by my parents collectively to be a strong, responsible, respectful, and independent woman. Although they were two separate entities, they had the same goal in mind when it came to raising me and my sister and did what they could to ensure we had all the resources and knowledge to create the women we are today. My mother and father were, literally, like night and day: my mother was extremely reserved and always portrayed such a tough, impenetrable exterior that she scared just about everyone around her and she was perfectly fine with it because that meant she didn’t have to deal with bullshit and we were not allowed to joke around with her.
My father, on the other hand, was so carefree, nonchalant, jovial and usually the victim of many of the pranks my sister and I played on him but he just laughed it off with us instead of chastising and punishing us. While they were different, they each told me the same thing as I approached the age to date seriously: Always make sure that he is able to bring to the table the same things as you are. For example, if you have a car, so should he; if you are working, he better be; if you have your own place, he shouldn’t be sleeping on his mother’s couch. I have followed and abided by this statement from the moment it crossed their lips.
The above life lesson was challenged the other day when I was, in not so many words, called a Gold Digger who was all about money when it came to my partner of choice. Yes, I was flabbergasted and highly offended because nothing could be further from the truth.
If I were all about money, regardless of how I’m treated, disrespected and disregarded, or feel about the other person, I’d still be married. The person making the accusation claimed they were all about love, they never look at a person for what they bring to the table as though I’m just some shallow piece of shit who views potentials simply as dollar signs. Pardon me for believing if I have a car, the man who is interested in me should also have a set of wheels of his own because Queens don’t go pick up a man for dates or to run errands with her. When I state he must have his own car, it doesn’t mean that he has to have a Bentley®, Benz® or any other high dollar vehicle but it should be reliable and not one of his friends’ cars he gets to use whenever that person lets them because I’ve my own that I’m paying the note and insurance on. How do I look, as a grown ass woman, going to pick up my dude to bring him back to my place so we can spend time together and then have to get up out of my bed and comfort zone to take his sorry ass home?
And this now leads into him having his own place because I should not be the only one in the relationship able to entertain our intimate relationship at my place because he is living on his mother’s couch or in her basement at 40+ years old. Don’t get me wrong, I understand people fall on hard times where they are newly divorced and getting their shit together or lost their job and fell on hard times, I get it but if you’ve never left home? That’s where we have an issue because, in my eyes, you’re not a grown man nor King quality deserving of this Queen. When we were younger, that might be acceptable but if you can’t bring me back to your place where we can behave as adults, I can pack my spinnanight bag,
leave my toothbrush/pillowcase/some pannies/etc., please don’t approach me. Unfortunately, in this day and age, the guy who is unable to bring you back to his place may actually not be living with his mother but instead, his wife and children which is way worse and more disrespectful.
I was born, bred and raised by the generation of Baby Boomers who had firm beliefs and morals which I stick with and were not only instilled in me by my parents but my grandparents as well and I won’t disrespect any of them by living less than. There are those who mention and point out all the red flags in your relationship, some real and others created out of hating, and act high and mighty because they claim to see things you didn’t and tell you how much better you deserve.
However, those same observant people about your relationship decide to give their all to someone who is barely visible due to all the Mt. Everest tall pile of red flags they display. I guess when it comes to them, they become blind and oblivious to the same bullshit they claimed to protect you from.
I was raised to know and understand that each person in a household and relationship has their own separate responsibilities such as mowing the lawn or taking out the trash being deemed as the man’s responsibility and the woman takes care of the inside of the home.
Yes, to some, this may seem antiquated and you do what works for your relationship but for me and mine, I’m not cutting any grass nor am I taking the trash out if there is an able body man living in that house with me. I understand lawn maintenance may not be every guys cup of tea and if that’s the case, be sure you make enough money to pay someone to do it for you, I’m cool with that as well. When I was married, I didn’t pay the rent or mortgage, that was my husband’s responsibility but I did pay the utilities, food and buy clothes for our children and sometimes he ended up paying less than I did but that was our agreement and how we functioned.
I am a Queen and wear my crown with pride not out of ego nor arrogance, I can and will do for myself, I don’t depend on a man to do for me which has been an issue in the past because most men are used to dependent, needy women who always have their hand out, asking what he’s going to do for her. Being a Queen, I will submit to my King, have no issue doing so but that man needs to show he knows how to lead properly or he will walk alone. I will not relax my standards, wants and desires just to have someone who is unable to truly appreciate all I have to offer and be willing and able to provide the same to, with, and for me.
When you are in a relationship, sharing all of your deepest, darkest secrets which have kept you awake at night, there is no reason you shouldn’t be aware of each other’s financial situations and incomes. How are you going to build a life together, have a home and purchase property/vehicles, have insurance, living wills, etc. and not know what the other person makes? I agree with each of us having our own accounts and possibly a joint account for bills but how do you factor the amount you can each afford for a house if you don’t know whether your partner makes $25k or $100k per year? What happens if you go to purchase your dream home together and can’t do so because they have a child support lien on their credit? Or what if that tax refund you had plans for gets taken away and applied to their debt?
If you are going to get married and live as one, what one does or doesn’t do financially can and will come and bite you square in the ass. This isn’t to say I’m going to max out your income to get an over sized home but I don’t want us to struggle to make the note each month because we over extended ourselves or went into it blindly. When it comes to the financial aspect of a relationship, I need to know that if, GOD forbid, one were to become unemployed, the other has the ability to keep the home up and running without getting lights cut off or our shit put outside for lack of payment. I need to know that you have my back in every facet of life, whether it be financial, emotional or even physical and this requires a high level of transparency and vulnerability some aren’t able to provide but if you love them as much as you claim, it should come with ease.
How you start the relationship off is how it’s going to continue and if it goes on for some period of time, you will become miserable because you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders but now can’t speak up without fear of risking the relationship because you never set the standard nor put your foot down. If the standards I live by have some perceive me as a Gold Digger, that’s on them but will not change how I am because what they eat doesn’t make me shit. I will not lower my standards just to say I have someone or
“I’s married now” only to worry from month to month how we’re going to keep the lights on or wearing myself to the bone to maintain every aspect of the home while they sit on their ass playing video games all day. A lot of relationships are currently experiencing financial issues during this quarantine period because one partner may still be employed while the other isn’t getting paid due to the nature of their job. The one who isn’t receiving a paycheck during this pandemic should be the one picking up the household responsibilities to relieve some of the pressure from their partner and contribute in a way other than financial. If you are not receiving a check and unable to financially contribute, turn into that wife of the 50’s and make sure dinner is prepared, the laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away, vacuum/sweep the floor, make the bed and/or change the sheets,
be productive and not be viewed as a bump on a log wasting every single day watching tv or playing video games while your spouse works.
When you begin to entertain a grown ass woman, be sure you are a grown ass man whose flow, hustle and drive matches hers, it will save you each a lot of stress, strain and misery down the road. Smooches!
