Late last year, my youngest daughter was preparing to attend her high school’s homecoming dance and wanted to wear a pair of my heels because, being a 16 year old high school junior, she thought she was grown and walking in high heels just came natural at a certain age. Now, I know the height of all of my shoes and if they’re not flat, they’re a minimum of 3.5 inches tall and it takes a certain level of skill to walk in them. I told her she wasn’t ready for my shoes and we should shop for some more age and skill appropriate for her but she had her heart and eyes set on a pair of open toe silver block heeled shoes which were actually 4.5 inches tall. I tried to persuade her to choose another pair, but the thickness of the heel made her think she could walk in them and boy was she wrong! She put my shoes on, fastened the strap and instantly lost her balance.
No, I didn’t help her but was sure to give her the “Told ya so” look but she was dead set on wearing that particular pair of my shoes even though she walked like a newborn calf. I suggested she walk around the house in them for a couple of days to prepare for all the walking, standing, and dancing she would be doing but she swore she had it. The night of the dance came and she looked absolutely beautiful but had the grace of a baby giraffe on four unused, spindly legs trying to stand up for the first time in life.
Wisely, she chose a pair which were slightly easier to walk in and packed some flats in her little purse because she knew she wouldn’t last all night in my heels. This memory came to mind as I thought about all the times we’ve attempted to start something we weren’t truly ready to follow thru on.
Known to some and unbeknownst to others, I am a huge procrastinator, I will have all of these wonderful ideas, write out a detailed plan on how to accomplish them, start them and then get bored. I openly admit I have had a problem with follow-thru in my life and that was until I moved and saw all of the projects I had started with such gusto and moved on to the next.
Ever since I saw my graveyard of unfinished projects, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t start something I wasn’t going to see all the way thru to completion and the first time I finished something, I felt so accomplished and proud. On the flip side of that, there were many times I stuck with something which actually didn’t have any chance of coming to fruition but I was determined to make it happen and finish it but never happened. When I am focused on something or someone, I do everything in my power to make it work, I have faith, patience, and determination when I feel a sense of push-back which creates that challenge and makes me work harder.
If you ever want me to do something, all you have to do is tell me it’s not going to work out and I will, unfortunately, dedicate too much time and energy trying to prove you wrong. I’ve learned that I don’t like or accept being told what to do but I hate being told what I can’t do even more.
When I look at the autopsy report of my marriage, I always wonder if we got married before we were ready. Did we get married because we had been dating for 2.5 years and felt the pressure from those around us? I will admit that I didn’t know exactly what it meant to be someone’s wife because I was just 25 years old and only moved out of my parents’ home once I got engaged, I hadn’t lived life as a single woman but thought it was what I was supposed to do. I knew I wanted to be someone’s wife but really didn’t understand what it entailed but I wasn’t the only one in the marriage who wasn’t ready. Unfortunately, my marriage is something I began at the age of 25 and completed at the ripe old age of 38.
Having been married and divorced helped me understand what I wanted, deserved, and would/wouldn’t put up with moving forward and in no way soured me on the prospect of doing it again but the next time the completion will be death.
Have you ever been approached and pursued by someone in an attempt to date you and once you start falling for them, they begin to distance themselves from you? This is something I will never truly understand, if you’re not ready, why would you disturb someone’s peace only to put them thru hell? By this age, we all have an idea of how much time, effort and energy it takes to be in a relationship and the reason most fail is because someone slacked off in one area or another. Any kind of relationship you voluntarily enter into requires constant effort on both parts because when one of you stops putting forth the effort, the other one feels as though they are now the only one trying.
The more unfortunate reality of feeling as though you’re the only one putting forth effort is you also feel unwanted by the person you came to care for as your lover, confidant, and best friend. You begin to question where things went wrong, replaying every interaction you had with this person and wondering if you said something which struck a nerve but they never said anything about it, just started living their life without you. You start doing the breath and body odor check to make sure you didn’t offend their nose to the point they no longer want to be in your presence. I mean, it has to be something, right? Unfortunately, no, it doesn’t, they just weren’t ready for all you had to offer. They believed they were ready to build and grow with you until you started matching their effort and they weren’t used to it, they were used to someone who was dependent upon them for everything and never having someone do for them what a grown ass woman/man does.
Just as my daughter who had her heart set on a certain pair of shoes and believed she was ready to naturally walk like a super model on the catwalk, we see the potential in someone and believe it’s going to be the best relationship ever. Why wouldn’t we believe this was who we’ve been waiting for all this time? They repeatedly reassure you they are ready to settle down, looking for that meaningful relationship and tired of playing the field; they convince you they are sincere and you begin to trust their words because their actions match up equally.
Slowly, your guard begins to lower and things are going great because you’ve taken the risk of putting the shoes on and standing up but when you take the first step, you wobble and your legs betray you but in this instance, it’s your partner who’s betrayed your heart. You are determined to master this relationship and make it work but have to come to grips with the reality you’re not the person for them because they’re not ready to receive and appreciate your love and are more comfortable abusing your feelings than being real and honest enough to tell you they’re not ready.
We are too old to still be playing games with people who genuinely care about us. If you’re not ready to receive what someone has to offer, the good/bad/beautiful/booga wolf ugly, don’t disturb their peace, let them live their life without the heartache you will surely bestow upon them. I wish I could say everyone is looking for that happily ever after with someone else but there are those who are so damaged from their past they don’t know what it looks like when it’s staring them in the face. While no relationship is drama or trouble free, the shit takes work no matter what age you are but if it’s something and someone you truly want, you’ll work thru any issues which pop up. If you’re not ready to put in the work and show consistent effort, don’t let your boredom have you approaching people who are ready. You should stay single and play with the girls/boys you’re used to dealing with because we grown ass folks don’t have time for that type of bullshit. Smooches
