50 Feels damn good!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies!! Known to some, unknown to others, I celebrated my 50^th trip around the sun almost a week ago! Yes, I am officially in the 50 and over crowd and, to be perfectly honest, it feels absolutely fandamntastic! My daughters have flattered me many times by stating they forgot I was even in my 40s because that means they don’t see me as an old lady with archaic thought processes about life but the amount of side eyes I’ve received, I don’t believe I’m ‘the cool mom’ either and have never strived to be such. I’m good with my girls confidently knowing they can come to me for and about anything, that means more to me than anything.

They always say life changes when you turn 40 and it’s very true, my 40s were a brutal decade long lesson in all aspects of life. I will admit that I’m not the quickest learner because I lead with and trust my heart over my brain which has caused me undue heartbreak and hurt feelings at the hands of others but, the reality is, it was all brought on by me, I’ve no one else to blame. Yes, we usually want to blast and talk shit about those who have hurt and done us wrong but we knew who they were but wanted so badly to believe the good they didn’t recognize in themselves that we chose to stick around getting walked on like a dirty, worn-out doormat. My eyes have been completely opened to the fact that how someone treats me has nothing to do with me but how I react and respond is 100% my cross to bear and I’m no longer carrying other people’s shit with me.

 I know on most people’s birthdays, they replay their entire life, going over that reel with a fine-toothed comb trying to pinpoint where they messed up or made less than stellar choices in life, pondering where they would be on this birthday if they married for money instead of love or gone to college instead of working straight out of high school. The fact a time machine has yet to be successfully created and used, reviewing your life with sadness, doubts, resentment, and regrets is totally pointless because what’s done is done, you can’t go back, all you can do is enjoy the time you have left in front of you. On this birthday, I looked back on my 49^th year at how very much had changed in the span of 12 months and all I could do was smile with a tear or two in my eyes because it’s been some good shit with some sadness sprinkled in here and there but that’s what life is made of, right?  

Over the last 12 months, I have become an empty nester for the first time in my life as my oldest insisted on staying 900 miles away after graduating college to make it on her own. While I want her here with me, I have to let her grow up with the understanding she can always come home. My youngest made the decision to move 1.5 hours away to live with her father for the first time in 14 years and my heart shattered at the mere thought of her not being with me every day but I respected it. This beautiful soul selflessly told me, “It’s not that I don’t want to stay with you but it’s time for you to live your life for you, you’ve lived for us for the last 20 years, it’s time for you” and all I could do was respect it.

Have I gotten this life she was referring to? Ummmm, no, I’m still an introvert who enjoys the peace of her home more than being out with people but I am finding peace. For the first time in my life, my mother and I spent 8 whole days together, just me and her and, I’m not going to lie, it was a bit rocky for a minute because I’m not used to anyone in my space. I am overjoyed to say that after an intense Come to Jesus meeting, my mother and I are in the best place we’ve ever been. The trip and heated discussion were needed in order to put the puzzle pieces together and everything over the course of my life clicked and made sense.

Last year, I endured a toxic and hostile boss who caused me such mental distress I was barely eating, slipped into a depression, and doubted my abilities. I decided to do something for myself and chose to leave a company I thought I would retire from because I loved their mission and my coworkers so much but my mental health was more important and landed my absolute dream job and boss.

Hell, my boss is so great, I actually get up, dressed, and commute into work 3 days a week and am grateful it’s only 3 days as I don’t think I could have gone from 100% remote to in office 5 days a week. With my youngest daughter having graduated from high school, I was no longer restricted by a school district as to where I wanted to live so, I packed up, hired movers for the first time in my life, and said good-bye to the city I called home for two decades of my life. With the free time on my hands, I have also started writing my 2^nd book and am blessed that my new company has connections with a publishing company which is giving me more motivation to get it done.

When I tell you this 50^th trip around the sun came with a sense of calm, peace, and zero tolerance for the bullshit, I mean it with every fiber of my being and it is a feeling I don’t think I can formulate into words for anyone to understand. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person, taking everything said to, around, or about me to heart and then I would take the time to overthink multiple scenarios to make myself feel even worse for letting someone down by having a reaction to their behavior. Yes, I know, it sounds crazy but that was my existence for 49 years and, like magic, when the clock struck on my 50^th birthday, that way of living and responding simply disappeared. I have adopted a new mantra, feel free to embody and use it: I am no longer giving time, space, or energy to people or things that make me feel like shit.

As I stated, I’ve been emotional but not an over-reacting emotional person which means I’ve never caused a scene and shown my ass in public. Have I regressed and actually reacted purely off of emotion? I sure have and then beat myself up for letting someone take me out of the character I worked so hard to step away from. Due to being an overthinker, I have thoroughly thought out what it is I want to say to someone and am very clear in my words (word nerd), it is no longer my responsibility how what I say is received and perceived. Now, this isn’t to say if someone ask me for clarity on what I meant I’m not going to further explain, it’s to say that if you are in a shitty mood and try to attach it to me or my words, that has nothing to do with me, refer to my mantra above.

Even though I’ve been accused of being entitled, spoiled, and, my fave, a gold digger, I have never asked for anything tangible for my birthday, all I ask is that it’s acknowledged and am deeply grateful and appreciative of the gifts I do receive. Since I don’t ask for anything, it’s a challenge when people want to get me something because I have no suggestions for them because I don’t need anything. I used to jokingly, but seriously, say I wanted a Boo for every gift giving holiday but I’m really beginning to rethink that because I’m kinda feeling this dollar bill singleness phase of my life. Now, if the one comes along and matches my drive and energy, I will not turn him away, I’m just no longer focusing on that aspect as I’ve wasted too much time waiting for turds to turn into decent human beings.

I may be fabulously 50 but I’m not old and receive the blessing of every day I wake up on this side of the dirt because it’s a privilege denied many. To quote my Daddy: Calling me old doesn’t hurt me, you better hope you make it to this age because tomorrow’s not promised to anyone.