Month: May 2022

Hey, hey, Lovelies! During this month of May, there were a couple of ‘holidays’ which most of us celebrated, the main 2 that come to mind are Mother’s Day and Cinco de Mayo. Now, I feel safe in saying we all celebrated Mother’s Day in some form or fashion as we simply would not exist without a mother. I also understand that Mother’s Day is hard for some as their mothers are no longer here and will be suffering in the same way, myself, next month when I don’t get to go shopping for my Daddy. Since I am pretty much a hermit at this point, I didn’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo as it’s too peopley outside for me and, well, COVID. In about a week, we will celebrate one of my favorite times of year, Memorial Day, when the pools open and I can begin to get rid of this pasty ass winter white I’ve been sporting for about 8 months and replace it with a nice golden tan.

Some may be aware and others may be oblivious to the fact that May is also Mental Health Awareness month. While I, as someone whose mental health hasn’t always been in the best shape, believe this shouldn’t just be acknowledged for 31 out of 365 days, I am happy to see that attention is finally being brought to this issue. Even though national attention is being brought to the importance of mental health, it’s still a bit taboo in some cultures and even more controversial in the different genders.

I know I sound like a broken record when I express how happy, grateful, and blessed I am to be a woman but it couldn’t be truer when it comes to mental health as I am able to freely speak about how I feel or even have an anxiety attack because I’ve over thought something so much my brain simply can’t keep up.

There are some people who believe that your mental wellness is your responsibility and, for the most part, they are correct as no one truly knows what’s going on in your mind except you and, most times, what causes the instability is even you don’t know what’s cause the imbalance. However, there are actions and words which damage you mentally and, before you have time to realize and heal those wounds, you have someone in your life who doesn’t understand or respect you are going thru something. Here’s an example of such: during the pandemic, I took the time to learn how to do lash extensions on myself and am pretty damn good at it but I also have O.C.D. and anxiety.

I spend about 1.5 hours doing my lashes, getting them absolutely perfect and they should last about a month but I have developed a tick of sorts which causes me to use my nails to pick each individual lash off, one by one. I have no idea why I do this; I just know when I’m sitting in the house vegging, have nothing to occupy my mind, I begin touching my lashes and searching for imperfections. When I find one imperfection, in my mind, they are all imperfect and I painfully pluck each individual lash off. My sister, GOD love her, has video called me while I’m in the middle of my tick, have about 4 lashes on one eye while the other is still intact, and gotten a good old belly laugh at my expense and that’s fine, y’all have read enough about her to know she’s been an asshole long enough to no longer faze me. Instead of talking to me to try to understand that this happens when I am mentally unhealthy, she suggested I get a fidget widget or have them professionally done with the belief that if I pay for them, I won’t pick at them and look like Kermit D. Frog by day 8 of installation, bless her heart.

She fails to understand it’s not a financial thing with me as spending a couple hundred dollars isn’t going to deter me as I’m sure I’ve spent more than that in supplies already thanks to my shopping hobby. This lil tick of mine is something I’m trying to understand about myself so I can grow some eyelashes again.

As some people know, I proudly consider myself to be the poster child for therapy as my first session was when I was 7 years old and have no problem getting a tweak here and there when I begin to feel ‘off’. Being such a proponent of therapy, I struggle to understand why others are so adamant about not getting some couch time to talk about feeling jilted and unloved when their sibling got 3 Oreos ® and they only got 2 which has affected them in some way their entire life.

There is a stigma on Black men seeking and receiving therapy that I don’t understand and, as a Black woman who treasures our Black men, it breaks my heart as I believe they need it more than any other ethnicity due to all they endure outside in the world and have to carry around inside.

I have taken on the personal task of working diligently on my mental health as I know it’s been the cause of the demise of relationships and I can own that now. Due to me being ‘the sensitive one’ who would cry when asked what was wrong, my family was conditioned to do whatever it took to not upset me and LORD only knows what that would have been from one day to the next. This wasn’t fair to them but I so love and appreciate them for protecting and sheltering me from things which would have probably sent me over the edge I was constantly teetering on.

While that protection is endearing, it also kept me in a bubble and away from the day-to-day shit that happened in and around the family; as a grown woman, I’m still treated like an extremely fragile piece of crystal who doesn’t feel as connected to my blood as I should and suffered a lot alone by choice. Even though I may feel a sense of disconnect, I know all I have to do is make one phone call and they will all be at my side, and some in front of me, to handle who or whatever is causing me discomfort.

I have found that working on my healing of the issues which caused my instability which was masked as misery and, in turn, expressed as anger now enables me to show up as an authentically nice person. I am not being fake, I’m just no longer weighed down by my pain and darkness. I find it funny that my boss doesn’t even believe I use profanity or drink and was taken aback when he heard me blow my horn in traffic! This is hilarious to me because anyone who knows me also knows I have quite the potty mouth, was taught to drink by my Daddy, and have used my horn so much I broke it and had to resort to using my finger until it was fixed. At nifty fifty, I am so settled into who I am and what I want out of life, I am a duck dammit!

Now, don’t get it twisted, while I may not give into the petty bullshit or immediately jump into revenge mode as I’ve done in the past when someone pisses me off or does me wrong, please don’t test me because the only thing stopping me from grabbing a throat at this point is the unwillingness to be Big Bertha’s bitch while wearing prison orange.

Recently, my sister and I got into it………..wait, that’s incorrect. There was a conversation, one of us received it from their perspective and it blew up into a one sided, 4 day long texting war. This situation showed me how much I had grown as I didn’t argue and kept my voice and tone calm as I truly wasn’t upset, I just wanted the shit show to be over. Due to our past, I’m going to guess that me calmly saying, “It’s fine” was some sort of trigger as it only fueled the anger in and caused her to spew nastiness for days on end.

In the past, I would have immediately been sucked in and gone toe to toe with her but my energy no longer allows me to behave that way. During this exchange, I took the time and responsibility to set a boundary, I recognized who and how she is and drew a line. Did I express any of this to her? Ummm, hell no as that would have only opened a whole new can of annoyance and that boundary isn’t for her, it’s for me, my sanity, and mental stability which I’m no longer sacrificing for anyone else, I’ve been thru too much and worked too hard for this peace.

Mental health is something everyone should be mindful of and get a grip on before it damages whatever they have left in their life. Yes, I understand everyone is not comfortable speaking to a stranger about their uncle touching them but I’m sure you have someone in your life who will lend an ear, shoulder to cry on, and arms to hold you that you feel safe enough to share your pain with who won’t judge or criticize you.

While I believe in therapy, I also know sometimes all you have to do to begin the journey of healing is say it out loud. You may not personally know me but know this, I am a very good listener who doesn’t judge nor offer unwarranted advice and am here if you need or want to share.

Hey, my Lovelies! Not too long ago, I spoke on red flags when dating at our age and I’d like to continue that conversation as I seem to have recognize and collect a couple more. Now, when I speak of these dating red flags, I can truly only speak from my perspective as what scrapes my soul may soothe yours and vice versa, I’m just sharing my take on the bullshit covered in perfume others are attempting to serve me. Go grab that spirited beverage, get comfy, and let’s get into it.

Being a mother, whose daughters are the only reason she is still on this earth, I refuse to deal with someone who is a parent but makes no effort in seeing, bonding, or even talking to their offspring. I’m not even going to ask for anyone to help me understand this behavior because, to me, it’s unacceptable. Yes, I get that the other half of their DNA is a total waste of skin but, what’s that got to do with the children? Oh, the other parent is difficult? So what! It is such an oxymoron to say you love your children but haven’t seen them in years. I’ve said it before and will keep repeating it until the dumb asses in the back hear me:

no child asked to be here, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to not make them feel like a burden. There was a point and time you were a child who didn’t ask to be here and, yes, you may have an absent parent as well but, how does that make you feel? Having an absent parent in your life growing up made you turn your back on your own seeds because you survived with only one parent? If you have seeds you don’t see, nurture, and pour into, forget my face and existence as I’ve already forgotten yours.

Next is time and the unwillingness to make it for me. Look, I am not asking for you to be up under me 24/7 as I fear that would turn into a homicide situation and prison orange is not my color. When I am interested in someone, I want to spend time getting to know them and, I’ll refer to the age-old adage of, you make time for what you want. I understand collectively we are busy taking care of business on professional and personal levels as well as having some alone down time, I’d never interfere with that as I treasure my own.

To me, if you are not making time to see me, you are not interested and this has now become 1 sided which means, it’s time for me to reclaim my time. It is very unattractive for anyone to feel as though they have to chase you when you clearly showed interest.

What is so hard about taking someone on an actual date? Yes, I am aware that inflation is kicking our asses right now which is why I wouldn’t suggest breaking the bank on a single date as there are plenty of things to do that don’t cost money. I will also admit that I miss dressing up and going somewhere fancy but also have the understanding it’s not an every date type of situation.

Hell, invite me over or suggest a movie and pizza night at my place so we can just chill and enjoy each other’s company. Well, this type of date would be after I got to know and trust you enough to let you know where I live but is still a good time had by all. If you are not interested in taking the time to date me, you’re not interested in remaining in contact with me.

When I meet someone and take the opportunity to get to know them, I learn the things they like to do, I pay attention to their interests, hobbies, and ventures. Now, while it’s true I don’t do a lot, I do write, that’s my niche and how I express myself and if a guy isn’t taking an interest in that, I don’t feel he’s truly interested in who I am as a person. I met a guy who is a Star Wars fanatic and I honestly couldn’t bring myself to watch all 90 movies to learn about it because it truly doesn’t interest me, I’m not even going to front on this one.

However, when I saw something related to this franchise, I surprised him with a little gift because that’s what brings him joy and I let him talk about the series because I noticed he lit up at the mere mention of it. I am not asking for input on my writing unless I specifically ask for it, I’m just looking for support by reading my blogs and buying my book when I take the time to write it. It is free to support someone’s interests and means the world to them but is a slap in their face when they’ve supported you and get nothing in return.

I am all about privacy in every aspect of my life and do what I can to ensure it in my relationships as what goes on between me and another person is not everyone’s business. What I am not comfortable or accepting of is being a secret.

Now, some will say they are the same thing but they are vastly different as when you are with someone and you’re both private about what you do, others know you are in a relationship, they just don’t know your business. Whereas you feel hidden or as your Boo is ashamed of you as no one knows you exist, even when you’re in the same room with them. If you can’t let it be known you’re with me then you will not be with me in any facet.

Going from communicating on a regular basis to going a week or two without hearing from your person. I will be the first to admit I have a rather jankety sleeping pattern as there will days I fall asleep and am dead to the world at 7 pm and other days I’m wide awake, scrolling social media at 2 am because I just can’t sleep but that doesn’t mean I’m ignoring a text or phone call. I am not asking anyone to constantly contact me but a simple Good Morning will do the trick as I didn’t wake up next to you and lets me know you are thinking of me when you wake up. While I’m on communication, let me state I appreciate a phone call from my person on a semi-regular basis instead of nothing but texting. Yes, to those who know me this is a little contradictory as I am not big on talking on the phone all the time but I do enjoy hearing my Boo’s voice instead of just having to get my glasses to read conversations via texts.

Maybe I’m just different but when I’m interested in someone, I enjoy hearing from them on a regular basis and will begin the process of overthinking when I reach out and get crickets in return. If you can’t maintain the same level of communication, please don’t start it with me.

I understand and have been told numerous times that someone is listening when I speak and, if I’m comfortable with you, I tend to talk a lot. While someone has claimed to have listened, there have been many times I’ve not felt heard by them. As I stated, I can be rather chatty but during that time, I am sharing a lot about what makes me comfortable, what I’m learning are triggers, or even how someone else’s actions (or lack thereof) made me feel. Here’s an example of me feeling heard: we are together in at a function and there are people there who have been less than pleasant to me which will immediately change my entire disposition. Now, if attention was paid during a conversation, he would see the change in me, understand I was uncomfortable and get me out of that situation or just come stand with me to reassure me I’m not alone.

A dude who will just go about his business and party while I’m on the verge of a panic attack isn’t there for me and never really listened to a word I said.

As I’ve stated before, the dating pool at this stage of life is shallow as ant pee and has a bit of poo in it, this shit is not fun nor is it easy and it’s taking everything in me not to fully embrace the spinster title at this point. Yes, there are good people out there, I would never deny that as I feel I am one of them but that also comes with the understanding that everyone has some shit with them. I am not perfect and am not seeking perfection in a mate, I am merely seeking someone who enjoys being around and with me, is a decent and respectful human being, and doesn’t judge me for my idiosyncrasies. If I meet someone with those qualities, we can be goofy together, and it turns into forever, great but I’m not forcing anything, just letting it flow naturally.

Keep your eyes peeled and don’t ignore the obvious red flags being waved in your face, you have too much to offer another person to settle for mediocrity.